Contribution to household expenses. How do others handle this?

Hi, I just moved my 87 1/2 year old mother into our home. Before she moved in she was adamant about paying: rent, her phone bill, personal care products, medications, supplemental insurance, and contributing $50/wk for groceries. The rent she pays is exactly what she was paying at her previous subsidized apartment, $307/month. We’d always paid her cellphone because it was on our plan but she has taken that over as well. My mother lives off my dad’s SS and her own small pension; she is by no means well off but she is adamant to pay for her own expenses. I hope this helps.

Question, what does your Mom do with the rest of her Social Security? I am assuming she receives more than $100 a month. Is she is saving it so she can will it to you at her death?

Here is what worked for me many years ago when I lived with a relative and didn't know my contribution was not enough. (Airhead phase in my youth.) I knew they'd gone to meet with their accountant. They said "Our accountant says we have to collect rent of $___" So of course there was no offense taken, they made it clear they needed this money. I'd say tell your mom that you got this advice from an advisor or accountant. That way it's clear it's not you being difficult or anything, it's someone else's expert information that will keep all of you on track together.

You should be keeping 80 percent or more of her income without question. She lives in your home for free, she gets free caregiving service and everything else.
If she was in a nursing home or assisted living they would be taking ALL of her income and leaving her 60 bucks a month spending money. They'd also take her house and whatever other assets she may own. Explain it like this to her.
You are not doing that. Taking 80 percent of her monthly income is generous on your part.

Diapers alone cost about $100 a month. Gloves and wipes are expensive too. Those cost extra.

I’m curious about what she has been doing with her money. If she has been putting any away and ever needs more care than you can give, that will mean she has essentially created a fund for you to pay that facility. Expenses are out of your pocket now and into her account so they can be paid to someone else later. I am not advocating or suggesting trying to keep her from paying her way in the future somewhere else and relying on Medicaid programs but if she doesn’t have the money to pay her way now she legitimately qualifies. I don’t know about your state but there are states that have programs that help her pay her way at your house too. She might welcome the ability to pay her way and feel more independent but even if she doesn’t the logic in her paying her living expenses (that’s not even addressing the care) so you aren’t paying them later (either through the current arrangement or out of pocket because of the way money was exchanged) should make some sense to her. You know better than I if approaching it from a financial need for your family or the proper way to protect her money is the best way to go about it and actually if you wanted to remove yourself further from the suggestion you could say that you have been reading that the current financial arrangement may be detrimental for the future and it might be wise to see what an elder law attorney or financial adviser, social worker that specializes in this area thinks about the current set up. Take the “plan” off of you and be her advocate letting someone else tell her how unfair to you and unwise it is for her to only be contributing $100 a month to the household.

My situation was a little different, as my Mom was very willing to help us out financially but my husband and I were hesitant to take her money, knowing that she would need it down the road for memory care. Since I was POA and handled all her money, my sister came up with the idea of using Mom's debit card every other time we went grocery shopping. Mom was happy to do this and even paid for other small household expenses from time to time. I'm sure this still wasn't an equitable option financially but it worked for us and I was so happy a few years later that we had preserved Mom's bank account enough that she could afford the memory card she so desperately needed.

Cleveland Clinic has a rating program called: OhioHospitalCareAssuranceProgram(HCAP).As a participant in the HCAP Program, they offer emergency and other medically necessary services in their hospitals free of charge if you are a resident of Ohio and either (1) you are currently an eligible recipient of the General Assistance or the Disability Assistance Programs or (2) your income is at or below 100% of the Federal Poverty Guidelines (the FPG).

Unfortunately, not all locations of the Cleveland Clinic, nor their individual doctors participate in this program.

Debt collectors will call you to try to collect the debt. They have no compunction to stop, even if you do not have the ability to pay.

I would not recommend doing a debt settlement, primarily because that will result in a taxable event for the forgiven or cancelled debt.

Based on situation, you would be eligible to file a Chapter 7 Bankruptcy and wipe out all the debt without having a taxable consequence. It does appear on your credit report for a period of 7 years for a Chapter 7 and 10 years for a Chapter 13. However, there are ways to rebuild your credit after filing a bankruptcy. I have had clients rebuild their credit score and purchase a house within 2 years of receiving a discharge

I specialize in Chapter 7 and Chapter 13 bankruptcy. I am in Cleveland Ohio as well. Best wishes.

$100 is not sufficient when you are providing a place to live, heat/air conditioning, electricity, water, and from the sounds of it, 24 hour care--because she's always with you. I am sure it is an uncomfortable conversation but you need to say, "Mom we're challenged here with rising costs and utilities." And tell her you need her help. $100 in groceries today is probably 9 or 10 things depending on where you live.

Imho, your mother should be contributing more than a mere $100 a month.

20yrs ago, we split the purchase/remodeling of a house with my parents to facilitate taking better care of my mom who was wheelchair/bed-bound. 3 of us and 2 of them. All bills (including groceries, housekeeper, property tax) were split 3/5 and 2/5 until my dad was irritated over my need for air conditioning in the summer. We then paid 3/4 of the electric bill. My parents were not destitute and could afford to pay their bills.

It will be an embarrassing and uncomfortable conversation, but sit her down and thank her for what she has been contributing and that has been helpful, but things have dramatically risen in price the last couple of years. Have receipts to show her what things now cost both in her supplies, her clothes, hair cut or done, medical, doctor appts., and food, so she knows that you aren't trying to take money from her. Just let her know how much more you are asking from her. Be ready that you may have to negotiate with her. Don't get upset just talk it out in a calm tone and you might have to take less and if so revisit in 6 months again that you are still short and asking for a bit more. At age of 86, she should have a named POA and if so have that POA or you reimburse you for your expenses on her behalf. Another option is get a credit card in both your names (but don't let her know you have it for a low balance $500) and have it automatically attached to her checking so at anytime you make a purchase for her it is placed on that card and automictically taken from her account. My brother did this when my mom who had Alzheimer's who knew still what was going on most days. He continued this until she passed, for her doctor copays, clothing or whatever she needed that the memory care center did not pay for such as, hair cuts, podiatrist coming to cut her finger and toe nails, etc. For your mom keep receipts and show her monthly when she gets her banking statement what you bought for her so she knows you aren't "stealing" money from her. If at some point if she has to go into a facility what they charge will be more than her social security, so she won't be getting any monies except for $50 per month spending money in most states that she can use to get her hair cut or done, or whatever else she would like to spend for.

Whatever you do, do this with the help of an elder law attorney. They know how to write up a legal contract so that the money paid to you is transparent and acceptable to any future long term care application process. Using a third party, like a lawyer changes the dynamic of the discussion too. It might make it easier as he or she explains the way it is usually done.

She should be paying rent comparable to a 1 bedroom apt in your area and a portion of all bills. A hundred dollars is nothing.

"It's a little uncomfortable..." So is childbirth, but it happens. Most issues take a deeper drive when ignored. Be brave!

Maybe it would be better to calculate what the household expenses are for everybody living in your home. Consider rent/mortgage, utilities, property taxes, food and household needs (what you buy at the grocery store every month... Divide this number by the number of occupants in the home and you will have the cost per occupant or "roommate".

To make it fair, consider how much your mother had to pay in medications and treatments, She should pay for her own supplies - toiletries, incontinence supplies, medications, dietary supplements in addition to an amount for moderately-priced meals (check frozen meal prices as a gauge). Consider adding transportation costs for her appointments and travel needs to financial burden. You will then get a true cost for her to live with you. Please do not take all her money, but allow her to have a little spending money so she can treat herself and buy small gifts for others.

When you have calculated the costs, opt for a family meeting instead of just a demand for more money. Show mom what her costs are for her own needs. If you are happy getting that amount of money, ask that she contributes that to her own care. If you need a little more coming from your mother, you can show her "roommate share" - but only do this if she can afford it. If she can't afford that amount, ask how she would like to contribute to "family needs."

No where can she eat for $100 per month...that equates to a little over $3.00 per day.  You are supporting her and unable to claim her on your taxes.  You need to be compensated for her care.  That amount could easily be increased to $500 per month and that would barely cover her food.

When/if your mom ever needs to go into a nursing home, they will take all of her assets, so she is not "saving" for anything. 

Have the conversation with your mom.  Be prepared with real numbers from outside caregivers and facilities if she gives you push back.  She may not have a clue what things cost.  Everyone thinks because it's family that it ought to be free.  If we were talking about letting a family member stay for a couple of weeks or even a month or two while recuperating from a surgery or waiting for an apartment to open up, staying for free is not a big deal..but 8 years!  No way.

I agree with the others that $100 a month doesn't cover her expenses, even though it was the amount initially agreed on. What if you had a family meeting and explained to her that the cost of living has gone up so much in the last few years that it's becoming hard for you to provide for her in the way you'd like to? Maybe you could write down (or show her the bills) the amount you have to spend for utilities, food, etc... and ask her if she would be willing to help out a little more. If she asks how much you would need, make sure you have a number ready so it's not vague. Best of luck with this!

$100 isn’t enough to be considered help.

Was her spouse a vet that served during war? If he was, she could qualify for assistance.

Call Council on Aging and express your concerns. They can lead you in the right direction to apply for help.

Best wishes to you.

If you are truly in need of more income to cover expenses, what can her income afford? Maybe total up all of the utility bills and divide between number of people in the house and ask her to kick in a little. Just tell her costs have gone up and you need some help. If you don't need the help, leave it alone.

Well, factor in laundry, housekeeping, transportation, entertainment, medication administration and an AL gets +/- $4000 a mont in fees. Your mom is getting a great deal!

OP, apologies to you. I somehow had another question from a GRANDCHILD stuck in my head, and realize now that your question is about your MOM who is living with you. I had thought it was your GRANDMOM with you, and you were wishing your Mom would contribute more; made a gummy mess of my response to you. They don't give us an eraser, so I am out of luck ridding our world of my silly response. Ignore my post below and chalk it up to my mistake. I agree with all other posters as to their advice to you.

Whatever you do please do not call it rent. This creates a taxable income for you.

She would be paying her share of costs. She pays whatever dollar amount monthly and it is allocated towards her share of living expenses. If your utilities are 600.00 monthly and 3 of you live there then she pays 200.00, groceries are split the same way, unless she has specific dietary needs and then she pays 100% of that expense. It is okay for her to pay you for her room, you would calculate what her square footage is, divide that into your mortgage and add property taxes and insurances to that and that is what she pays as her share of cost.

If you drive her around, you can do it a couple of ways. She can pay mileage at the standard IRS rate or she can buy the gas or pay the insurance. Whatever works for all of you.

She will not be penalized if she needs care that ends her on Medicaid. They expect people to pay their way, it is the transfers of large sums of money right before someone files for Medicaid that causes problems, not the cost of living expenses.

If she is going to live with you why not charge her 400.00 a month? Why can’t she pay her portion of the mortgage, utilities, phone, food, etc?

where would she go just paying 400.00 a month ANYWHERE???

I say charge her. Or have her live someplace else.

The easiest time to start this discussion is prior to moving in together. But if in 8 years her contribution has not gone up, then it is time to address that.

Groceries are much more expensive now than 8 years ago.

I am like G1954, divide the expenses and allocate an equal share to her. Now if you have a mortgage, she should be paying a portion of the interest, not the principal. If she does not use the internet, then of course she will not pay any of that, unless you are using it to managing her care.

It is a tricky subject to embark on, I agree.

How and when did you come up with the $100 a month for groceries? If it was quite some time ago and it's just never been revisited because it never came up, you may be pleasantly surprised and your mother may be perfectly content to discuss an update.

But the first thing must be to add up. You can go for the percentage figure Grandma54 suggested, lots of people do; but if you don't like that idea another possibility is to figure out what amount (roughly) your mother adds to your household budget - how much extra does she cost for electricity, water, phone, food, wear and tear, what have you?

What's pretty certain is that living with you is going to cost her less than living by herself anywhere else. And nobody ever promised that once you're over 75 everything is free! So don't feel bad. It is actually more disrespectful to treat your mother as though she's some kind of helpless wet behind the ears infant who's never heard of the cost of living than it is to ask her to discuss household budgets.

Your Mom needs to save for her old age unless you want to end caring for her. We should not be monetarily supporting our seniors unless we can afford to do this without taking funds we will need for our future. Your grandmother has no other expenses? If that is true she can easily afford to pay more. Just be certain that this is proved by receipts so that if she buys her own supplies and contributes to heat and groceries it is stipulated what is spent and for what. Otherwise should she move into care she would require proving she wasn't gifting you. See an elder law attorney if you want to charge full room and board which will take likely her social security funds in total so as to find out how to prove, what you must claims to IRS and etc for your own and your grandmother's care. Remember, this care you have taken on is your choice, not your Mom's choice. Do let her know your costs and encourage her to save for her own care; tell her you won't be doing this again for her.

$100 seems like nothing...she likely eats much more than that.

Does she have a warm bed and a place in your home? Does her living with you mean you have greater needs for utilities, etc?

When mother moved in with YB family, they decided she'd pay for the cable, since she had to have her 'shows" so she contributes about $150 to the family budget.

Then she started cranking the heat up to 80 in midwinter, and needing to be driven everywhere she goes, she got a cell phone, which is bundled into YB's monthly acct....all in all, he feels she should be paying closer to $400-$500, but she only gets $2800 a month. That's not bad, as she really only has medical bills, but her living with YB's family has stressed them financially.

All us sibs slip YB some cash a couple times a year. He had to go to PT work in order to care for mom.

When she dies, all the rest of us sibs will simply sign 'our' inheritances over to him. It won't be much, and he can never be made whole---but after 24 years of her living there..he cannot bring up a 'raise' from her.

I will add that she routinely spends $1000 a month on garbage from catalogs.

Technically you could charge her for a portion of ALL household expenses.
If there are 4 of you in the house (including mom) divide gas, electric, mortgage, insurance, garbage, cable, food by 1/4 and she pays her 1/4 of all expenses.
Keep records,
If at anytime you need to apply for Medicaid these would be expenses that would be acceptable as it is for her care.
If you are physically caring for her you could also charge her for your time caregiving. I would write out a Caregiver contract though and indicate what you do and how many hours of caregiving you do. Set a rate that is equal to what caregivers in your area get. (this would be income for you so you would have to declare it as such)