Contacted by cousin regarding caring for my aunt post-surgery. Am I wrong to say no?

Tell her lots of people either go to rehab or book a short stay in assisted living after getting new knees or hips.

Aunt seems to have two daughters. Explain to me how one having a job and one having a family exempts them from caregiving, while you, who also has a job are being called upon to caregive? I must be missing something. Aunt would really do far better in rehab for a week or two after knee replacement.

I love how she has a family, and her sister works are adequate excuses but you having a job isn't. Why does she need to get back to you? To let you know you don't have to jump in because they found someone else? You already gave her your answer.

Your cousin asked. You answered.

You have valid reasons for not doing this. You live at a distance and you work. There is danger in caring for someone who has just had surgery who doesn't listen to you.

If she falls, will she/they blame you?

In my family, we have this "thing"; whenever we ask a favor of one another, we preface it with "it's totally fine to say no". It's a nice touch.

There are emergencies in life; this is not one of them.

No you're not wrong. If your aunt requires that much care after knee surgery she can be placed in a rehab facility until it is safe for her to be home on her own.

Stop calling. No is a complete sentence, so you don’t have to list all the reasons why.

It’s not your problem to solve. You already told them you can’t and since they re fully formed adults, it’s up to them to figure out what they are going to do.

I bet cousin expects you to do it because you went to stay with her for a week once before. You must have been the only one willing at that time to do that. No other family members will do it.

You've explained to cousin why you can't and won't do it. No further explanation necessary.

Aunt will have to agree to either rehab or an increase in caregiving hours.

You did good. They need to realize that your not the solution. So Aunt is miffed at you, let her be.

And I would get that letter sent now telling ur Aunt u will not be her POA. And again, send a copy to everyone. Really, I think as long as you are down as her POA, you will continue to get calls. Ur family seems to think POA means ur at Aunts beck and call thats not how it works. Make sure you keep a copy of that letter so if Aunt does become incompetent, you can show u stepped down and its not your fault she didn't make the change.

No, your not going to make anyone happy, that goes when you stick up for yourself. Again, you did good and keep it up.

I'm scheduled for knee replacement on Aug 8th. This is a major surgery and she will need to follow PT exercises before and immediately after the surgery or she may run into more complicated medical problems (like blood clot -- and I know someone who had this happen). She will need to get up and walk right away in order to lessen this possibility.

Tell your cousin to help Aunt arrange for a visiting nurse after the surgery. For my surgery it is required that someone stay with me for 24 hrs immediately afterwards. She will need to stay on a pain med schedule, and then take the other meds for the ensuing constipation. She could develop a post-op infection (again, I know someone who had this after replacement surgery and it wasn't pretty). .

If your Aunt has a history of being uncooperative with you, then I wouldn't touch this with a 10-foot pole. Just say you don't want to help. If you say you can't, then this opens it up for negotiation. You don't have to and you don't want to and for your Aunt's sake it will be better for her to deal with unrelated people that she cannot manipulate. If she has all her mind then let her have the consequences. If it's your cousin who is pushing for her to have this surgery, then let the cousin deal fully with it.

I read in this thread that you are her PoA? If she's uncooperative now, it won't get any better. Who decided this surgery gig without your input first? That's just wrong also. I'd resign. Help her find another PoA, even if it's an attorney.

It is enough that you can't and that you have said that you can't. Don't expect to have everyone end happy. They are stressed and overwrought. Just tell them you are sorry.
You are right to do what works for you and what makes aunt happy. If your visits didn't make her happy--and you let us know they didn't--then why would you expend that energy.

Aunt will likely go to rehab. They will keep her more or less time, and she may require some temporary placement, but this isn't really your problem. You can sympathize but you don't need to feel responsible to fix it.

What? Don't be too hard on yourself. You gone way beyond most people could or would ever do. Plus you can't do it this time because of work.

As cousins you both need to let her orthopedist or discharge nurse if you get that call know. It would be interesting if she tells her doctor that she has help post op. That this will be an unsafe discharge. It seems like aunt is even refusing rehab which she can qualify for. Otherwise leave it for aunt to figure things for herself. You might want to contact the other cousin for a united front.
Aunt is having her own tantrum by not picking up. If you worry about her then you can call her local social services for a wellness check, especially if she is a fall risk

Why are your reasons for not being able to do this less valid than your cousins reasons for not being able to do this? 😑 Imo, your cousin is 100% out of line even asking you. She's the one who's wrong, not you. Trying to unload her mother off on you over and again is the utmost of nerve! The answer is NO each and every time and if that means you let all of her calls go to voice mail, so be it. She seems to think being pushy and up in your face will achieve the goals she's looking for. Don't crack. Stand your ground and get this albatross off of your back once and for all.

Her not wanting rehab does not equate to your needing to provide care at home

"If wishes were horses then beggars would ride".

No. You do you. Neither aunt nor cousin is your responsibility.

Refusing rehab is a big mistake and could result in her not being "independent" (the big self-foolery) afterward. Refusing rehab is yet another curve in the downward spiral.

Yes, your cousins that are there need to call the surgeons office and tell them no one in the family can be there for after care. Two out of 3 cousins work, one being 5 hours away. The other has a family to care for. That she will need to go to rehab and maybe have in home care when she returns home. If one of them won't do it you need to.

This happens alot where an elder will say they have help when they return home. "Oh yes, my niece will be there 24/7" Niece shows up to take Aunt home and finds she is designated caregiver. (Discharge does not follow up to make sure that person has agreed to do care) The person picking another up is taking on the responsibilty of care. No help once you take that person off of Hospital property. So make sure that cousins ask what has been set up for her care. They are not to take her home if propper care has not been set up. Its an unsafe discharge. If she refuses Rehab, make discharge aware that there is no one to care for her. They are not to be giving out ur phone# either. You r not POA yet and hopefully will be stepping down.

Its nice that your Aunt has nieces and maybe they help when they can, but none of you should feel you need to care for her. As a single woman with no children, she needs to look into how she can care for herself. Finding resources to help her. Office of Aging can get her started.

“Am I wrong?”

That’s what being an adult is all about. You must decide for yourself.

How many cousins? Could the care work be distributed *equally*?
(This suggestion is perhaps for next time since this time it does seem that rehab makes the most sense. Rehab/SNF sucks eggs but is presumably less grim for those who can see the light at the end of the tunnel.)

I say that you stick to doing your guns and kindly say NO WAY!! I have made way too many mistakes bowing down to guilt and feelings of obligation that have now completely turned my world upside down. Thank God it was only for 15 months and not 15 years. Time and time again, I let my mother manipulate me into doing something I didn't want to do. You came to this site for answers as I did. I found support and a backbone to stick up for myself and I will never back down again. Please don't do something out of guilt or obligation or whatever other weird family dynamic that "others" place on you. Just say no.

I thought of something else. You are POA (I think..) but even if you are not, tell cousins we will hire someone to care for her 24/7 until she's recovered. That way none of you cousins need to do something that none of you want to do. Does she have money???

Oh the constant pressure these folks keep up!

Actually, why didn't Aunt call HERSELF to ask you? Hmm. I smell a monkey..

Aunt wants something. She instructs her minions, the local cousin/s. They take to the air like flying monkeys to pressure Tiredniece.

I'd try to take a light approach. Laugh at the absurdity..

What? Gosh No! I live 5 HOURS away! No I can't come stay.

Aunt will have to go to reahb or hire a fulltime aide.

Let's all lighten the mood & sing along.

"They tried to make me go to Rehab..
But I said no no no"

Are you wrong? Hell, NO, girl! You need to let the old gal get over herself. And when she calls you, just let it ring ring ring. Jesus, some of you people posting here are just aching for martyrdom.

You aren't officially POA (and HCPOA?), correct? You've been told that you will be POA? Am I remembering this correctly?

You are still running the show, if cousin will call you back to let you know if the current caregiver's hours can be extended for post-op care at home. Is this what you want? I'd thought you wanted to extricate yourself completely from aunt's management as imposed on you by the cousins.

What would happen to aunt if you weren't ANY part of this? What would happen to aunt? Do the cousins do anything for her? Does aunt arrange for the payment of her current caregiver and bills? Who takes her to medical appointments?

Are you taking the reins in getting appropriate after-care set up for aunt or not? I think that as long as you are involved in any way at all, that the cousins are going to end up dumping the decisions and expectations on you. Do they all still assume that you will be (are?) the POA?

“ I told her to tell my aunt to expand the caregiver’s hours so that she has someone there, since no one can stay . She said she will check with her and get back to me .”

You told your cousin “No”. There is no reason for your cousin to get back to you on this issue. The aunt needs to find another solution . If there is a POA and the aunt can’t make decisions , then aunt goes to rehab , gets hired help in or she doesn’t get her surgery .
If I was you I would not be POA for this woman .

You are not wrong to say no. I understand that you care about your Aunt and want to help but in your previous experience it hasn't gone well. It's not your responsibility and you have every right to say no. I know that can be easier said than done, OP, but you aren't doing anything wrong.

"Her neighbor told me.."

Well meaning neighbours.. 🤔
Being a good neighbour means looking out for vulnerable neighbours.. but also staying on their side of the fence.

Raising concerns with a neighbour's family is one thing.

Being judgemental or telling that family what to do is another.

Bottom line is this:
Aunt is in charge of her own affairs - unless she is legally/medically deemed incompetant - then the springing POA becomes active.

If that point is reached, the POA can take advice from the medical team (who declared the POA is now active) to decide on such matters like rehab/respite/supported care options & sign for Aunt.

Holding POA does NOT means thr POA must provide the hands-on care themself.

I think Aunt's neighbours & local cousins have their right to their concerns, they may mean well, but it appears they don't understand how a springing POA works.

It is immoral & illegal to strip people's rights away without proper legal authority.

Aunt decides for herself - makes decisions, wise or poor. End of.

Nope, absolutely not wrong!

Let your aunt be miffed if that’s how she feels. Be more concerned about your emotional well being.

You aren’t responsible for how she processes changes in her life.

If you have taken care of her in the past unsuccessfully, why would you risk repeating the same thing?

No.