My aunt is having knee replacement surgery. My cousin asked me if I can stay with her for a week or so until she recovers.
Mind you, I have stayed with this aunt for a week, unsuccessfully before. She doesn't listen to me or let me assist her, and gets aggravated with me when I try. I live five hours away and I work.
I told my cousin no. I can't this time. I explained that I work, cannot be away, and that my aunt and I frustrate one another. My cousin said she can't, as she has a family, and her sister works. I understand all of this, but they don't understand my situation. I told her to tell my aunt to expand the caregiver's hours so that she has someone there, since no one can stay. She said she will check with her and get back to me.
Meanwhile, I think my aunt is miffed at me, as she hasn't been picking up when I call her. I have limited my visiting time. I haven't been to see her in a month. Am I wrong?
Actually, why didn't Aunt call HERSELF to ask you? Hmm. I smell a monkey..
Aunt wants something. She instructs her minions, the local cousin/s. They take to the air like flying monkeys to pressure Tiredniece.
I'd try to take a light approach. Laugh at the absurdity..
What? Gosh No! I live 5 HOURS away! No I can't come stay.
Aunt will have to go to reahb or hire a fulltime aide.
Let's all lighten the mood & sing along.
"They tried to make me go to Rehab..
But I said no no no"
You have valid reasons for not doing this. You live at a distance and you work. There is danger in caring for someone who has just had surgery who doesn't listen to you.
If she falls, will she/they blame you?
In my family, we have this "thing"; whenever we ask a favor of one another, we preface it with "it's totally fine to say no". It's a nice touch.
There are emergencies in life; this is not one of them.
There is one in DH's lot that uses that preface "totally fine to say no" BUT then argues, conjoles, picks apart any reason to decline etc.
I learnt to say No then leave silence quite quickly.
This week was busy trying to twist my DH's arm to change his plans so didn’t have to change her own. (A fail btw).
"If wishes were horses then beggars would ride".
Tell your cousin to help Aunt arrange for a visiting nurse after the surgery. For my surgery it is required that someone stay with me for 24 hrs immediately afterwards. She will need to stay on a pain med schedule, and then take the other meds for the ensuing constipation. She could develop a post-op infection (again, I know someone who had this after replacement surgery and it wasn't pretty). .
If your Aunt has a history of being uncooperative with you, then I wouldn't touch this with a 10-foot pole. Just say you don't want to help. If you say you can't, then this opens it up for negotiation. You don't have to and you don't want to and for your Aunt's sake it will be better for her to deal with unrelated people that she cannot manipulate. If she has all her mind then let her have the consequences. If it's your cousin who is pushing for her to have this surgery, then let the cousin deal fully with it.
I read in this thread that you are her PoA? If she's uncooperative now, it won't get any better. Who decided this surgery gig without your input first? That's just wrong also. I'd resign. Help her find another PoA, even if it's an attorney.
You told your cousin “No”. There is no reason for your cousin to get back to you on this issue. The aunt needs to find another solution . If there is a POA and the aunt can’t make decisions , then aunt goes to rehab , gets hired help in or she doesn’t get her surgery .
If I was you I would not be POA for this woman .
Well meaning neighbours.. 🤔
Being a good neighbour means looking out for vulnerable neighbours.. but also staying on their side of the fence.
Raising concerns with a neighbour's family is one thing.
Being judgemental or telling that family what to do is another.
Bottom line is this:
Aunt is in charge of her own affairs - unless she is legally/medically deemed incompetant - then the springing POA becomes active.
If that point is reached, the POA can take advice from the medical team (who declared the POA is now active) to decide on such matters like rehab/respite/supported care options & sign for Aunt.
Holding POA does NOT means thr POA must provide the hands-on care themself.
I think Aunt's neighbours & local cousins have their right to their concerns, they may mean well, but it appears they don't understand how a springing POA works.
It is immoral & illegal to strip people's rights away without proper legal authority.
Aunt decides for herself - makes decisions, wise or poor. End of.
You've explained to cousin why you can't and won't do it. No further explanation necessary.
Aunt will have to agree to either rehab or an increase in caregiving hours.
Refusing rehab is a big mistake and could result in her not being "independent" (the big self-foolery) afterward. Refusing rehab is yet another curve in the downward spiral.
See All Answers