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Mum was admitted to hospital 3 weeks after hearing she had terminal lung cancer. She insisted I didn't return but the doctors said it was time for me, as only daughter. Spent 2 weeks caring for her, "putting affairs in order" (GP's words), talking with specialists involved, helping her in any way I could, setting up open communication routes with everyone for when I returned to Japan.

After discharge, I fought on her behalf for her to stay at her beloved unit, however, four nights later we both came to the hard acceptance that she couldn't cope alone, even with daily nurse visits and services such as; shopping, cleaning, taxi, emergency pendant, pharmacy delivery, OT. By this time, pain management drugs, and her condition, were taking their toll on her cognitive ability which frustrated her, understandably.

Mum's relationship with her family broke down over the last ten years. While caring for my 84 yr old Japanese MIL, I worried about how my own mother would cope in her elderly years, so last year contacted her. I can't deny that I don't still hold grudges, which do flare up now and then, but for my sons' (8 and 11) and her sake, we tried to move forward positively.

This sudden visit, I met mum's best friends, Val&C and Graham&L. Val explained they'd been advised to set up an EPOA, so they printed one off the internet. We all agreed revoking the existing one was best.

I had reservations about Val but mum trusts her and someone needed to physically be there after my return to Japan. Val would visit daily demanding to know what I had done, doing, how she was to be involved. Her behaviour was erratic, rude, competitive, and upsetting. For mum, I bore it, and tried to get around her interventions even though I felt Val was using coercion on us by her constant verbal battering.

We printed another short form EPOA off the internet, where mum, Val, Graham, and I signed, with a very clear verbal understanding, I thought, with mum's consent, that I would deal with the health side, she the financial stuff, and Graham as a back up.

As I feared, mum was back in hospital a week after me leaving. The facility, that she loved, wasn't available yet. I was back in Japan, trying to keep in touch with doctors etc. and monitor mum's condition, skyping her every day via the ipad that I had gotten for her. Instead of news, I was hearing of Val's intervention. A horrible feeling of helplessness and frustration, so reminded Val of our agreement, but she said she was being a friend and they were approaching her as she was an EPOA. Eventually, I called her and got angry, asking her to stop. She was damaging the progress I had achieved with the Facility etc. with her calls, often to the wrong people. She hung up on me. A common tactic, like stomping away while trying to talk with her.

She obviously told my mum, though denied it, as my mother sent me a scathing e-mail saying not to upset her friends. Mum sent an e-mail to Val, reporting how she told me where to go. It was wicked, cruel and so hurtful after all I had done for her. Two days later she was transferred to palliative care. She skyped me, screaming and shouting how could I do this to her, is this how I wanted her to end her days. After calling the nurse, I talked with Graham, from Japan to Aus, to say she is very upset, please help her. Over the next 2 days, when I called, she was cold and nasty.

Mum was transferred to the facility, the one I'd worked so hard to get her into, the next Monday. I sent flowers and a card of love but have been reluctant to call or e-mail as her hearing aid bothers her, then she gets upset and angry again with me.

I told Val not to contact me again as I could not function by her "working together", as she put it. She responded in her usual manner, childishly. Threatening us with more work to get her off the EPOA and executers of the will, and reporting it all to mum, who by this stage is really deteriorating. Graham and I ignored her, hoping this would be an end to her meddling and upsetting. But, then she starts again, taking over everything.

Graham has been wonderful, calming mum down, helping both her and me get through this difficult time. Now poor Graham is getting Val's spiteful attention. Oh, and I'm being sterile apparently as I refuse to respond to her! Graham and I have been in constant contact, continuing to help mum both from my and his side of the world, working in unison so mum sees her last few weeks in comfort but his resistance to Val is wearing thin.

This woman's intervention is horrible but mum sees her as a good friend. I refuse to have contact with her or while she is around, which is most of the time now.

My family will go back to Oz in 3 weeks. Can I risk all of us being hurt by this behaviour. Mum said the other day she doesn't want the boys to see her, however, I feel it's Val talking, to get to me through my children. Grahams sadly tells me any day now.

Any suggestions on what I should do?

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I feel for your situation - being on the other side of the world makes this even more difficult for her. Is there any way you can fly in to see her before she passes? I think if that is possible you need to consider it. Sounds like your Mom is frightened about everything that is happening to her, and rightly so. You might also consider drawing up a Durable Medical and Mental Health Power of Attorney. I don't think you can get that on the internet. I believe you have to go to a lawyer for that. I truly wish you the best of luck.
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What an awful position. As my mom's sole caregiver, I know how stressful it can be. I'm not defending Val, but she may be overwhelmed and has decided to blame you for her own feelings. Whether you come back or not isn't about Val. It's about you and your mum. In another unrelated decision in my life, I had to decide what I would regret more. It sounds like you need to decide what you would regret most: Going and having your mum angry and distant, possibly dealing with Val...or it could be all good. If you decide not to go, know that you did your best. It's hard enough to take care of everything related to my mom when she's in the same town as me. I can't imagine how hard it is to manage and turn things over to others in another city or country. Unfortunately, you are the only one that can decide. Think about what is best for you...and what you'll regret more, going or not going. Good Wishes.
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Yes. Regardless of how you feel, you will never have any kind of closure unless you go see her. I went to see my father before he died, and we have really not had much of any kind of relationship all my life. He told me he was a bad father, and I did not excuse him as it was true, but I got closure. You will always wonder and regret not going. It may not be a pleasant experience, but, it will give you closure one way or another.
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I agree with all of these helpful people. If at all possible you should go and see your mum. That's what this is about.

If you don't go, you may wish you had after it's too late. Expect frustrations and expect that your mum will be confused.

I've seen circumstances where a person manipulated the dying elder and it's one of the most vile things people can do. However, there are things that are out of our control.

Being so far away has got to be very, very hard. Try to see your mum and have some time alone with her just to hold her hand and let her know that you love her.

I'm glad you wrote and we hope that you'll check in again and let us know how you're doing.
Carol
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I have to agree with Panamacarol, Exhausted Momma and Debi 1306 (who always has a ear for those that need to be heard).
Do take their advice, I cannot add anymore than they have.
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Oh and cannot forget to mention Carol "Expert Advice" I agree with her words, especially being there for Mum.
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I feel sad at the difficulties, at a time that is so stressful anyway. By the way, I have often found, in my experiences with home health care, that arguments erupt towards ending life - children return from far away and everyone feels they know about certain pieces of care, and everyone feels it's important to not be casual at this time, but to bring precision at this time of worry and risk. When children come from far away - travel issues also make them extra tired, so arguments happen. Staff who work with elders come to understand that.

Battles between care-giving people of different styles and locations are widespread, but my advice to you, is to look harder for ways to work with Val.

Examine your anger and fears more closely, maybe through journaling. You feel hurt and rushed when she bosses and jumps in instantly - but it sounds like you are not clear on what it is that you feel - judging someone for an aggressive style is easy, many will agree with you, but will it solve issues? Kindness and encouragement are the pieces needed here. Maybe you could journal about your impressions of feeling rushed, and recognize that your rush to solve administrative issues, may mask your wish for reassurance from others.

Some care-giving places have a daily log and maybe if Val put her impressions there, you could catch up with them without feeling that she is jumping into the middle of precarious agreements you worked so hard to set up, and tell her this is where she needs to write her reports. Or maybe send you a preview email before talking with any professionals. Many professionals will understand her style and your worries, and will listen if you tell them you have a different view.

I come at this topic from so many angles - and my biggest impression is that elders want kindness most, not only between them and their direct family, but among people around them, in their daily lives. When struggles were immediate, those people showed up, and it hurts your mom to have you battle with Val.

Seems to me that with illness the world of elders contracts, and long past relationships may be close (I felt joy when I picked up the phone, if I heard my brothers' voice, even if they were hateful to me, and saw me as aggressive.

Sometimes loving the voice is all the elder can really manage, and serious illness is a time for children to drop relationship goals and memories, and just work to show explicit love and appreciation and maybe laughter, in every conversation. For the complexities are many, and we must forgive ourselves and each other as we struggle to address them. I've been with many dying elders, and find the reassurance, hug, hand squeeze, laugh, all help them.

The medical issues will resolve in their own ways - I know the challenges of the details. I managed the care for my disabled brother over 38 years, and my other brothers found me aggressive. It wasn't so much that I was aggressive as much as that as the close up person, I noticed trends, and had experiences with the outcome of trends, that professionals and distant family even, miss.

So, I can worry more often, fuss over details, disrupt others' train of thought, underestimate others.

But I knew from growing up in a battling family, that the battles are what undermine hope and faith and relaxation - and undermine health. It is not the loudness or expressiveness of battles that hurts children, it's when they are not seen as resolvable, or cannot be put into a kind and humourous context..

So I worked to TRY, to find ways to get past the horrible battles with my brothers, find some conversations we could share. Say Thank You more often, say, I need to go, if it's going on too long. Since I could not talk with my brothers about care issues, when their approach was administrative, but mine was from watching close involvement and helping - I sought and found some other area of life to talk about with them, in their expertise.

It helped. Just trying to be nice helps, even if there are failures in the process. And once in a while we could complain to each other about our styles, but just complain once, and drop it, and let the other person do something to correct their side, and praise them or thank them when they did.
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Don't show your boys their grandmother in her terminal state. What will be gained by it? Thank Val for her "help", but you would prefer she not interfere with the medical issues. Talk to your mom as you will not have much more of a chance, and this will soon be over. Take care of your sons, yourself, and go back to Japan knowing you did the best that you could do. Your mother will have to live/die with her choices...
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I was in a similar situation with my own mother. We were estranged because she had a 'caregiver' who swindled her out of all her money before she died. Her 'caregiver' was trying to con everyone in my family for money (which never went to my mother's care, but to god knows where... at the end he was reselling her food stamps, to buy cigarettes and alcohol). She would never acknowledge what she did what the caregiver was doing to her family, so going to see her for the last time, there was no sense of 'closure' like everyone says is important for the living person to get when a parent passes. Most of the time, I don't think people achieve closure- I think the grudge matches continue most of the time. However, even if you were just in Japan and were not satisfied with the interaction you had with your mum and there is still a chance you can end on a good note, you have to feel you tried. Do you bring your kids when she asked you not to? That's a tough one, as it could freak the kids out more that a little if they don't want to and your mum isn't behaving. Good luck. Its really hard.
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You can't control other people, just contact your mother and assure her that you love her and that you will assist her in any that you can, and wait. Just keep in touch she will change in time.
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After reading the other posts, all I would say is, keep it simple. Do not expect much and go with the flow. Let whatever relative is in charge of her care deal with it and stay out of it. You can offer to help if you want to, but try to find the closure that you need.
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My Mom is a nightmare & I live with her! But I think it important (no matter how difficult she is) that I say goodbye when the time comes. I didn't have that opportunity with my Dad. He died in the middle of the night unexpectably.
I wonder if that EPOA is valid. She signed it while on strong meds (I assume). Ignore the email & her friends. Just let her know you love her (whether you do or not) & maybe suggest we BOTH forgive each other (because your Mom sounds like mine, who is NEVER wrong, especially now that she has Alzheimer's Dementia. And someone said "she will change in time." I don't agree with that. She's too old & difficult to do that (I KNOW that from my experiences with my mom). My ❤️ goes out to you.
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Ally, I'm confused by your profile. Does the Alzheimer's/Dementia refer to your Japanese MIL? And where are you permanently based?

You're not going to like this. I think you should step back. This is why.

Your mother insisted that you should not return once you had had news of her terminal lung cancer. Partly, no doubt, it was because she "didn't want you to worry" (yeah yeah, don't they all say that? How, exactly?) but also, possibly, it seems to me, because she had a shrewd idea that things were going to pan out as they have in fact panned out. That is, with a brief reconciliation followed by hassle, aggravation, hurt feelings and flaring tempers.

Remember that it was her doctors whose bright idea it was that you should involve yourself closely once more. Doctors can be as sentimental and prone to relying on stereotypes as anybody else. Normally, yes, one would expect a dying woman's child to be the one to call on: but does anybody here actually know of a "normal" family? It sounds as if your mother grasped the situation better.

I suspect that your mother agreed to the various attempts at a working POA arrangement because she did not want to reject you. That's a good thing: underneath everything, she loves you and cares about you, she doesn't want to shut you out. But what she doesn't need is wrangling and arguments. She is ill, tired, dying. What you can offer her now is not practical support, but acceptance and love. Nothing else matters much.

Let the people who are there on the ground deal with logistics and arrangements. Spend the time you would have spent on things like that either speaking to your mother on the phone or, if she's not up to that, writing to her. You can email her via Graham, ask him to deliver hard copies. Try to be kind, but don't be dishonest. Think Nelson Mandela - truth and reconciliation - not Pollyanna. Give her as much comfort as you can. Never mind thanks or praise or appreciation, most mothers want to know that their children are going to be ok. If you can truthfully tell your mother that you know she loves you, do it.

Ignore Val. She's nothing to you. Be civil as you would be to any stranger you don't happen to have taken to. And stop blaming her for things. Her impression of you was founded on your mother's opinion. She wishes to help and protect her friend. Make of that what you like, but don't imagine that this current situation is all her doing.

Eight and eleven, the boys… Hmm. This is very borderline. Terminal lung cancer is not pretty. Taking leave of their grandmother is important. I'd suggest you think extremely carefully about the pros and cons of their seeing her; but very heavy on the side of the cons is the fact that your mother has told you not to take the boys to see her. You should respect her wish.

If you still want them to, though, get her agreement to the visit. You can take them with you and settle them with books or games in a lounge or reception area while you ask her: tell her they're there and she has the option of seeing them if she wishes. But you've no right to insist on her receiving visitors, and any conflict during a visit would add fear and misery to the boys' sadness at seeing their granny as she now is, and their anxiety about you.

You say you can't deny that you still hold grudges. No one will blame you for that, I certainly don't. But you haven't got time for them at the moment. Long term, it would be good for the boys if you do address them. Right now just concentrate on what you want your last exchanges with your mother to include. You still have a choice about that. I wish you strength, and enough time to make some good final memories.
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I disagree with the advice not to take the boys to see her in her state. I think it depends on your family and how you think your sons will feel about it.

In some families, there is the thought that it's best to stay away from a terminal situation like this and to remember the person at their best. Some families feel having the more positive memory is best.

In other families, there is the thought that this is the last opportunity to speak to the person and that it's important to take it. Some families feel this provides closure.

I would ask yourself how you or your sons would feel about this in 10 or 20 years and make decision based on that.

As an example, I know that I occasionally hear stories about children who were traumatized by seeing a dying relative, but when my grandpa was dying, I had the chance to give him my toy to play with to help him feel better (I was about 4, at the time, so I thought I was doing something important) and I'm glad to have that chance to have that final memory of him. But I really think it depends on your own situation.

If you do decide your children should or want to have a last visit, I would tell her they want to see her and be insistent. Point out that she does have the right to be left alone but they do have a right to see her and see how she reacts to that. However, if she is not going to let them into her room, I would think that would be kind of awful for them. I would not put them in that situation, probably, if she made it clear that that is what she would do.
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My brother would not drive 25 minutes to come and see Mom when she was at home hospice. We knew her time was short. She was so sad and hurt about it, can you imagine being a parent and all you want is to say goodbye to your child? Yet he refused. They had always had a tense relationship and my brother held weird grudges. He also didn't attend the funeral. What he did by turning his back on her is unforgivable. You would be surprised how healing it will be to kiss and hug your Mama before she passes from this world.
And my brother... yeah, he regrets it. But it's too late now.
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While I usually believe in honoring the patient's wishes on whether to bring the boys when she said not to if she has temp. or long term dementia it is hard to say what is right. I had extended family that wanted to come from out of town to see my mother before she passed. Mom would not have known who they were anymore & was mute from the trache. I am an only child & while she would have loved to see any relations while she could enjoy the visit she would not have wanted anyone to see her like that. So I respectfully asked them not to come visit. I said she enjoyed you when she was young & you were young. She would want you to remember her that way, not this way. It was hard for the relative to understand but she respected my wishes which I knew would have been mom's wishes. Only you know what your mom would wish if she were still like she was. Each person is different. I would want them to see me in any condition. My mom & I were different that way. I also didn't want mom frightened or wishing she could speak to the person in the rare instance she would remember them.

As for the boys & their ages I would be careful how this might affect them. I wish you knew how my youngest was affected by my parents disease even though he was old enough to know them. It has affected the youngest to the extent he really hasn't gotten past it. Ask others that know the boys what they think.
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I have actually lost my youngest son because of how the trauma over seeing his Grandma like that has affected him. We had lived long distance from them & we had not seen them in a couple years while she was declining. My son was in college. When he saw her & continued to hear what the caring for her was like he slipped further & further away from his brother, myself & his Grandparents. We will probably never get him back as we are reminders of her decline. It is hard to know the extent of the bond they share with a grandparent & how these things affect them.
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Here is the first thing I suggest that you do is for yourself so that you can have peace within yourself is to let go of all the grudges that you have because unforgiveness will cloud your thinking. Make mends in that area and then come to the realization that this isn't about you are is it about the person you see in your way. It about your mother and realizing that at this time she no making the best choices because she sick and don't take it personal over what you still are holding on to. It going to make you humble not that you are week nor do you agree with everything that has taken place. It that what is actually going on at this point has to stop and one way it can stop is that someone has to do the right thing to settle the matter. Forgive your mother do all that you can to make the rest of her days here on earth peaceful for her. Reach out and ask her to forgive you for anything that she may feel that has been wrong coming from you. Then talk with the person who your mother calls a friend. Began to work together and let her do what she can to help your mother and you do all you can to do the same if you can't be there in the present of your mother then let her feel the support that she has. Knowing that when you make the major decisions for your mother you are doing for her good. And it not to hurt her but to see that she getting the best care. As far as your son have a talk with then and let them know that Granny isn't well and she very sick and she may not look like she did when they last saw her keep things real and to the point with them and see how they feel about her not wanting them to see her in her conditions. Once your children make there mind up if they still want to see her .Since your mother is refusing let them talk to her and tell her that they understand in there on word then she may change her mind. I will be praying for this family and I pray that peace and forgiveness and love is shared during these last days knowing that this is not always going to be this way and weather the storm and still show love and let love take over. If you do this then when it all over yo will have peace with yourself and not regretting anything that you should have done different. Amen
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This is certainly a difficult situation. It involves several people, however, the 2 most important are your mother and you.

My mother was a very difficult and demanding woman. But she was MY mother and I loved her. I promised her I would be with her when "that time" came. And I was able to keep that promise. I don't regret it. She would ask, "I am dying, right?". "Yes, mom you are, but I am right here". I was honest with her and I held her hand. Just before she passed, she opened her eyes and said, I need to hug my girls. She did and slipped away.

YOU are the daughter. Your mother may have said she did not want you there, but I think you need to do what YOU feel is right. Do not let people suggest that you stay away. You will not be sorry for doing the right thing.

My own experience is that my mother was afraid of dying alone. A "friend" cannot take your place in your mother's heart. She may be afraid to say that she wants you there because of her friend. Bottom line...blood is thicker than water.

If you do what you know to be the right thing, you will never regret it.
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Do what you feel is right in your heart. Ask your boys whether they want to be able to say good bye to their grandmother. Explain to them that her appearance may not be the same and she makes a noise when breathing and is using oxygen or whatever. They can see her after the funeral home has taken care of her appearance. They should also be encouraged to write her a letter saying goodbye or make notes or drawings to put in the coffin with her. Many dying people do not want others to visit because of their changed appearance but will speak on the phone so there are many ways to handle this. Any visits by the children should be brief and only with their consent. blessings
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I am really sorry about you and your mother at these her final days. You are reading the post of a woman who is now in charge of a sick with moderate dementia mother who was at times borderline abusive and cruel with her children long ago, especially with me being the oldest child. Now after years of estrangement as I see my mother become dependent, disoriented without her old pride and stamina, knowing that if I wasn't here for her she would have no one, my heart fills with compassion and love and I look upon her as a child. i keep telling my husband how I don't want her to suffer. I don't know when or how you and your mom became disconnected or estranged, I too have a daughter living in another continent, her life styles and traditions changed by marriage, job and distance from those who loved her so dearly. I don't know what my daughter would do if I were dying but I know what I did when she lost her second child, in my opinion due to doctors neglect as to what my daughter and her husband disagreed but I still got on the first plane I found and traveled half the world to be with her, though I hadn't seen her in years, did not even know the people picking me up at the airport, after 1 week of biting my tongue so I wouldn't disagree or upset anyone and because it was so costly for my daughter and her husband, my husband and I had the privilege of arranging for our granddaughter to rest right here in our hometown, everything was arranged by the time they got to the States, this was all done while biting our tongues, the years of tension, disagreement and all the stress we had been through led my daughter and our family to another estrangement right before they left. In a matter of weeks the loss that united us for a little while shattered our family in the end. I love and have forgiven my mother and I will be there to close her eyes regardless, with my mom it's about taking charge and caring for her the best I can. I will always love my daughter and it's sad because we have missed so much ever since she left but I would not hesitate to get on another plane and travel half a world if I had to, with my daughter I guess pain has shown me many things, for one, its sometimes not about who's in charge, who does the most or who makes the right decisions since these are different for everyone ( I though I had done everything right) but rather it's about my heart, what brings balance and peace, not just doing the right thing because it is what I should do but because by doing for those I call family and whom I love and forgive I find a greater sense of fulfillment and rest for my soul. I hope and pray you can do what will bring a measure of peace and closure to you. God bless.
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I was my father's live-in caregiver for seven years. My father and I never had a good relationship, and he even indicated he did not want to see me when my daughter jokingly ask if it was okay if we came back to the nursing home to visit him again. This was just weeks before he died. When we got the call that we needed to get to the nursing home, my daughter and I immediately went there. She sat with him from approx. 8 p.m. to 4:15 a.m. when he passed away. I was in and out of his room a couple of times, but he was out of it and didn't know I was there. I do not regret being there and was thankful that my daughter was by his side. We all have to make our own decisions, and I feel comfortable that everything worked out for us in the long run.

You need to do what will give you peace in the end. You will never have a second chance under the circumstances.
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Yes, after she is gone you can't unwind the clock. Have empathy as she may be in poor shape mentally. Smile, be caring, and don't go into ancient history. Blessings on you and your mom.
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Well, certainly a lot of opinions and very worthwhile advice. Thank you everyone! I suppose we all know in our heart what we must do. I listened, even to the harsher comments :-)

I'm flying back tomorrow, alone, as mum asked the doctor to contact me to say she is deteriorating. Clearly she is afraid and I need to be with her. The doctor compassionately gave the facts, that mum wouldn't last until the end of March when we planned to return as a family, but didn't press me to come back.
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You be the better person and go to your mother. Somewhere inside of her she will be grateful. And you will never have to wonder if you did the right thing. :)
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I took every last chance I had to be with my Dad and I am not sorry I did. No matter what happened. Now there are no more chances to do that. Ever.
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Mum reached out and you have answered, you will be forever grateful that her message reached you. Blessings to you both
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Ally: I'm smiling since I read you're coming back to be with mom. I would have done the same, ignore all that has transpired for now at least and just be the daughter you are. Loving and supportive.
Make the moments count for you, you will never regret it. God bless you and keep you safe!!
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Allyoz, please don't listen to some of these commenters who apparently have no sense of how difficult/expensive and prohibitive it can be to deal with a parent from a long distance especially when intervenors turn out to be disingenuous dissemblers who thrive on creating conflict. At the end of the day, we have to survive in our own lives. If the parent decides to believe in the friend more than her only daughter, I think she has made her own choices. Even if feeble minded, your mom's heart told her t stick with her friend. If they have been friends for any period, your mom should be aware of her friend's true character. If she isn't, that's not your problem. Your mom has made a choice, let her live and die with it because she is the one who chose a "friend" over her own daughter. I have dealt with the same problem with my father. As I saw it, his dementia only served as catalyst to bring his true thoughts and feeling upfront. In reality, I always knew he (the Taliban) man did not have values similar to many parents. In the end I explained to him that if he wanted this cousin that came out of no where to take over his accounts, etc., I would butt out, but I didn't want him coming to me later or ever saying that I wasn't willing and ready to fulfill my role as his last living child. He first spat on the graves of my brother and sister and then said he adored the cousin. I said fine, walked away and haven't looked back. Parents make their own bed at some point and although we now live in a society that does not believe in accountability, I say let the parent choose. We do not have a duty to make our parents love or respect or honor us. If they don't by now they never will. Time is up. vipper
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Safe journey Allyoz. You are a wonderful, wonderful daughter and your mom appreciates you even if she is unable to show it, or pretends otherwise. You mean the world to her.
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