Follow
Share

My mother's dementia and short term memory have been going for the past four years since I moved back in with my parents to care for them in 2011. It was manageable then, but my mother's condition has gotten dramatically worse in the past few months. Lately, she continues to ask the same questions over and over. Part of this is due to the fact that my father has been in a rehab facility since December due to a horrible UTI, although he's greatly improving and should be home soon. She constantly asks where he is which, I guess, is normal and I feel compelled to tell the whole story. Sometimes she doesn't believe me, but most of the time she accepts it. Lately she's been constantly asking where her son Charlie is. That's me. I try to remind her that I am Charlie, her usual reaction is, "Yes, I know that, but where's Charlie?". I can't understand this and I don't know how to answer it and she asks this, as I said, over and over. Also she asks where her parents are, if there's anyone else living with us in the house and other questions constantly. Yesterday I almost snapped because this had continued for hours on end, but then I felt guilty that I was feeling aggravated. I know it's not her fault, but I feel frustrated and then guilty with myself that I feel frustrated and don't have more patience. Yesterday I went over to a neighbor's house, a good friend who used to work in nursing homes, just to vent my frustration and I felt a little better. But is there any gentle way I can deal with this with my mother? Can I ask her to stop? To me, this seems cruel. I don't know what to do. Any advice will be welcome,

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

52 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Charlie I don't have a good answer for you, I just want to say you're a wonderful son. I can't imagine dealing with this day in and day out. My mom has no short-term memory, but is oriented in time and space and knows who's who. And I find her totally frustrating at times and I don't even live with her,so I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. {{{{Hugs}}}}

One thing I did for my mom, which only works part of the time, is to write in big letters (I printed off signs on the computer) about how old she is, how old her sister was when she died and any other question she is constantly figuring out. Like my brother had surgery yesterday and I printed out the details about that. Then I pinned those sheets to her couch, which is right next to her chair, so she can easily see them. I continually point to those answers and practice with her that they're there. But my mom can still read and process written communication, and I don't know if your mom can do that or not. I hope you'll get some good answers from others.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
No, you can't tell her to stop, but you definitely need a break, some time to yourself. You may have this in stereo when Dad gets home. To preserve your own sanity, hire a companion or aide to care for them at least one day a week. Make that YOUR day to recharge your batteries. You might even want some anxiety meds the first few weeks Dad is home, and shuffle mom off to adult day care three mornings a week, it will relieve her boredom.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Charlie, here's an article I found here on the website. Hope this is helpful.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-repeating-the-same-story-146023.htm
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Here are a couple of sites with in depth Alz information

Do a lot of reading...
http://tinyurl.com/oxb2a7x
http://tinyurl.com/phdkacl

develop a support network of other caregivers
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Charlie, many of us deal with the same thing. There's really nothing we can do except find an excuse to leave the room when it gets too much. My mother doesn't ask questions repeatedly, but she has been telling the same stories for five years now. It can be painful hearing them over and over again. I usually just listen, but sometimes it is too much, so I have to leave the room. I'm fortunate, because my mother doesn't need someone with her all the time. I can work or go out during the day while she watches TV. Being able to do that helps me keep my sanity. Having your me-time every day -- not just every week or two -- is important, IMO.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Jessie, when my Dad is in instant replay mode with his stories from 70 years ago, I found I was able to distract him to tell me a new story.... example, Dad likes to talk about his days in college, numerous stories that I have heard so many times I could repeat them word for word.... now I know that Dad, when he was in college, couple times he worked with Ronald Reagan when Reagan was a radio sports caster, and Dad can pull from his memory stories I hadn't heard which makes for a much more enjoyable discussion :)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Mom went through a phase a few years ago of asking the same question over and over. I thought I'd go nuts, but now that she doesn't talk much at all, I kinda miss it. She tells a few of the same stories over again, but I think it's just trying to participate in the conversation as much as anything. She does confuse her deceased husband with her son (my husband) sometimes. It's sad and we do straighten her out, but I'm not really sure if that's the right thing to do.

I wish we'd recorded Dad's stories, or at least written them down. He would tell of the Depression and the CCC and WW2 and we'd just roll our eyes. Now we're older and wish we could remember what all he would tell us.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Don't ask her to stop. Cruel or not, that would add a further exercise in futility to endlessly answering the same question - so, I suppose you could say, it would actually be cruel to you!

My mother has recently started doing this too, and so far I'm at this "oh-oh here we go" stage rather than bleak despair. Where's so and so, who brought the flowers, how do I know it's a begonia not a rose, did I "signal" (she means text) my brother about her hands. At least there's a variety of questions!

You sound as if you have a much longer fuse than I'm afraid I have. I might well be coming back to you for advice on being sweet to my mother.

It's interesting that she asks where "the other" Charlie is even when you've reassured her that it's you and she's accepted that. I wonder if she's not getting the question out straight? Could there be another person she means to ask about but says Charlie, perhaps, because you're there and that's the name her brain latches on to?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I wonder if the "other Charlie" is Charlie as a boy or young man - not the adult man she sees now. Like people who want to go back to their home of 40 or 50 years ago.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
What do I do about constant repeated questions? Give constant repeated answers. Sigh. Tough, isn't it? You can vary your answers if it helps with the boredom.

I don't think you have to repeat a long explanation every time. The short version is enough for repetitions 4 thru 21. Then start over.

Getting asked where Charlie is must be especially frustrating. Have you tried "Charlie went to the store"?

The other day my mom said to me, "I know all the other women in this picture, but I can't figure out who this is." I said, "You mean that attractive gray-haired lady? That is your oldest daughter Jeanne. That's me!" She looked at me and then the picture, very confused. "Oh. I guess I should have figured it out. All the others are my daughters, too." When she sees me in person and hears my voice she knows who I am, but I think it is hard for her to accept that she has a child with gray hair. Her own is still auburn (with a weekly hair appointment). Who knows why your mother knows that you are Charlie but also wants to know where Charlie is? Give her a soothing answer and try to distract her to another topic.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
My mom does the same thing. There isn't much you can do. When she asks where her folks are I tell her they're out right now. It's getting worse as her vascular dementia progresses. It is very frustrating but I try to remember that it is WAY worse on her that it is on me. Hang in there. Watch Teepa Snow's videos on youtube...they really help a lot.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I will say that every repeat of the same question doesn't get the same answer. I may start out with a longer answer and end up with the abridged version.
"Where's Bill?"
me: He went to pick up Jimmy and then they were going bowling
Where's Bill?
He and Jimmy went bowling.
Where's Bill?
Bowling.
'Course there's many more in between, but you get the gist.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
What really worries me is when she says "Where's Bill?" and she's looking at him, asking him. When he says I'm Bill, she say's of course.

I do agree that it's hard for her to see these old people and think they are her children. I think you may be on to something there.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Thank you all so much for your wonderful answers and support. I wish I could get my mom interested in TV or other activities again but it seems all she wants to do lately is sleep. When we make the big decision to be caregivers I don't think we ever know what we're getting ourselves into, I know I didn't. Thank God I do have some help and I'm also back in school which has been a blessing. And it's so nice to hear from others who are going through the same thing. I also suffer from GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and clinical depression which doesn't help, but I take medication and see a therapist twice a month. However, it's just knowing that I'm not alone that has been the lifesaver lately. Thank you, all of you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Hang in there, Charlie. I have GAD and clinical depression as well. Take care of yourself. Read the posts - they help a lot. People that actually "get it". Great advice from those that have been there, and done it. Wish I had found this site 6 years ago when my mom first fell ill. Occasionally you'll find yourself laughing out loud, sometimes you'll feel so bad for folks, mostly you'll see that you're not alone, and it helps to know that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My mom will ask me, usually nightly as we're sitting in our chairs in my living room, who I am. I tell her I'm her oldest daughter Cindy. She says, "No, you're not my Cindy." I sometimes repeat that I certainly am her daughter. Last night for a change, she asked me for my "papers" to prove it. Sometimes I tell her she's right, I'm sure NOT her Cindy anymore, that I've aged years and changed and not for the better. But I really try most of the time to find the humor in the constant repeating of questions. It can be very hard on a bad day. I head for my bedroom for awhile and play on my PC like I am right now, ha-ha.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I believe the only real option is to get used to it. Once you accept that it's going to keep happening, it does make it easier to keep answering -- over and over and over and over again. But it IS always disheartening and often upsetting when your parent doesn't recognize you or calls you by another name - but that's a topic for a whole new post...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I use the same tactics as txcamper. Less is better for us, and them. Obviously the answers don't process much, so any simple response is acceptable. You'll develop what I call 'the script' of go to answers that you'll respond with rather than think of an answer which is a bit easier on us. I also print out the days of the week so mom can look at it rather than ask.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My Mom said I was too old to be her daughter. She passed away before I tried this. Make a picture book of YOU. As a baby, first day at school, first bike, high school and on...so she can 'see' how you have changed (aged).
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Charlie, you need a break! Your mother is going to continue to ask questions over and over, and either you deal with this or you get some help to deal with her. Dementia robs the brain of memories, and she will not retain the memory of the answered questions, and will want to know again, and again, what the answer is. Do not go into a long explanation, just say your father will be home soon, and "Charlie" will be home soon too. Try to get more time to talk about how you are feeling with others. It is good to get out of the house every day even if it is just to take a walk. Hang in there. We are in this together...
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Charlie, the worst thing you can do in my humble opinion is to argue with your Mom. I know the frustrations you feel, for I too take care of my 85 yr. old mother. Although she hasn't been diagnosed yet with Altzheimer's or Dementia, she too will ask the same question 100 times a day. When she asks you "Where's Charlie at?" Tell her, he'll be along later today or maybe tomorrow. Don't try to correct her by saying "I'm Charlie" it will only confuse her more. As for the questions of where her parents are, tell her they are resting now. Maybe don't tell her they are dead, because this may make her worse. These are just a couple tricks I picked up years ago when I worked in a nursing home and dealing with the elderly. Now I'm using my skills to deal with my Momma. Nothing is easy Charlie, but I agree with the others that you need a break.

I hope I was some what helpful to you Charlie.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
When my mom was still at home, I got the opportunity to help with her care. It was for a few weeks at my dads passing and then getting her set up for state aide for the NH. She had sundowners and the questions were an everyday nonstop cycle. Well we would give the same answer most of the time. But we are children(adults), and it was amusing to make up different answers. Mom was waiting for her dad to pick her up to go home, why was he so late. He was fishing, working late, at a fire(he was a fireman). She barely heard the different answer. Sometimes it would prompt a follow up question. But within the minute it would be back to where is he? Telling her he was dead and had been since 1979, only upset her. Good luck . I suggest lots of reading on the dementia/ memory loss subjects. And try to remember this to shall pass. I hope you dad returns home soon.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Sadly, that is what happens with dementia. Mom has been like that for the past four years. Its like living in a big loop on a tv show - over and over and over. I sometimes feel I am in an Abbot and Costello skit "whos on first". All you can do is continue to answer the same questions over and over. I know its maddening and it makes you angry and frustrated, but keep in mind that each time you answer, it stays in her head only a few minutes. Each time she asks it she thinks it is the first time she asked it. The brain is a weird thing - certain topics and thought stick there and a person continues to ask or talk about it, but any response about that topic - doesn't stick, only the topic itself. Sometimes it helps if you write the answer down on paper and your mother can read it over and over again until it maybe sticks. At times it helps with Mom, other times she throws the paper away, as if she doesn't want to know. Reason goes out the window with dementia. Believe me - you are not alone - there are thousands of us caregivers going through the same thing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Yes, the repetition is so hard to deal with, and you're always experimenting with what is going to work each time around. I have been intrigued by my mother (87 - short term memory loss) who actually will on occasion redirect the conversation before I can finish an answer to her repeated question. Does she not want to hear my answer for the umpteenth time, is she not listening, or did she already forget she asked the question? It is so frustrating when one day she is sharp as a tack, and the next totally lost. I used to argue with her, but soon learned it was not productive, especially when the same issue would come up two minutes later! I have also realized the importance of validation mentioned by other posts. I liken her confusion to the times I've fallen asleep for a nap while it is light out and waking up later than I wanted in the dark. It takes me a few minutes to orient myself. Unfortunately, her mind does not do that anymore, and needs to be reminded that it is a certain day and time - often. The reassurance is comforting.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My mother did the same thing: looking at me and asking where Chris was. I soon realized that she was looking for 13 year old me and I just came up with answers that were logical for me at that age. It really is kind of funny to be talking about myself in the third person (it's important to keep a sense of humor!) In addition, she would worry about her mother (who passed away in 1966) and that she might be lying on the side of the road somewhere. Instead of telling her that she was dead, I reassured her that her mother was fine and ask why she was looking for her. Based on the answer, I would come up with plausible explanations of where her mother was and try to turn the conversation in another direction. She enjoyed doing large piece jigsaw puzzles (even though I did most of it as we talked) and that helped to distract her sometimes and gave her a sense of fulfillment since she would always tell me that she put most of it together herself (lack of memory does have its bright spots). Also, working on 300 piece puzzles was much less frustrating for me than trying to watch tv with her when she wasn't able to remember the story anymore, needed the volume turned up, and talked during the show so I couldn't follow it either...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
One "benefit" of repeated questions is that you get to try out different answers each time and see which one reassures her the most since she never remembers any of the prior answers... I tried to patiently answer each question as if it was the first time I was asked and just appreciate the fact that I still had her around to ask the questions (she passed away in 2013).
Now I am going through something similar with my father (88), but his only problem is that he has NO short term memory...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
The others are right-- you can't do much about it as far as she is concerned. The only one you can help is YOU. Figure out short answers which you think may satisfy her. Then distract her! Don't feel guilty about messing with the truth a bit-- you are hurting no one by doing so, and may hurt yourself if you don't figure out a path that will give you peace. Definitely allow yourself some time away every week, even if for a couple of hours. Look for a support group.

Another annoying thing is the repeated stories that can get on a loop. Phone calls from my mom in assisted living go this way most of the time-- and it's hard to listen & hard to interrupt.
It's tough, but hang in there & try to see the humor... We may all be there someday if we live long enough!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I have Transient Global Amnesia. When I have an episode, I ask the same question over and over because the answer doesn't get into my long-term memory or my short-term memory. This can get very annoying for those around me but for me it is terrifying. My friend decided to list my questions along with the answers so I could read it and they wouldn't have to keep repeating the answers. Although my long-term and short-term memories slowly come back, we all found this list of Q& A to be very helpful.

I hope this can work for you and your Mom.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Watch Teepa Snow videos. She may be really able help you. I know how hard it is when they always ask but stay calm and always answer it like it's the first time hearing it. Good luck and stay positive
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
We put a large (3x4) write on/wipe off whiteboard on the end of the kitchen bar that's visible from most of the home. When questions are asked more than twice, we put the answer on the board. We include the day and date plus any doctor appts. When the questioning continues, we simply ask, "what does the board say?". Now dad goes to the board first! :-)
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter