I will try to be brief. I have cared for my parents since 2007. Father who is deceased since 2011 was 24/7 care. Almost Immediately thereafter mothers dementia in 2011 progressed. Brother( appointed in trust) fought for POA stating mom was incompetent but took 7months before MD would commit. I alsoat the start didnt think it was time,,but after 7months was. he visits prior maybe 2-3x/yr,lives 5hrs away. He didnt discuss with mom but financially stopped her from seeing accounts getting mail etc etc. The way he did it was rude and very disturbimg to mom. She was very active with her accounting.She no longer had access to her accts. Anyway her care became too much for me alone so we brought agency in. I had nothing but trouble with them and somehow my brother has beieved the agency over me,thinks all i do is complain and thinks i have an attitude (which i am exhausted i needed a vacation break after all this time.) We finally got started on remodeling her bathroom to better suit her that has involved 3bdrm 2baths kitchen,living room and family room new pool and hot tub also going in. I am a bit upset over this as it has made mom very uncomfortable x2mo moving her bed room to room etc etc. In the meanwhile he has filed for conservatorship with having me evicted and stay away orders. He was granted temporary cons. return to court monday. ,i was sent packing in one day after living their 11yrs and cant call or see my mom. im homeless now.. He had lawyers write a 4 page letter about me which accused me falsely of stealing money(never did) I have receipts for purchases, overdrugging my mom hiding pills drug seeking, and ststes my father wanted me out in 2006??? I dont knpw why he hates me other than he turning the house into his own but i cant fight with a lawyer on my side it will terminate any possibilty of inheritance. I cant dare chance that its quite a bit,but its my moms health im worried about. what do i do? go to court with my references from drs i have, receipts etc accuse him of lying which he constantly has and donated my belongings i cant even go and see whats left.. He turned control freak the minute my dad died.....im scared & lost i will never see my best friend again and im sure she is worried about me,she has dementia but knows me i hope its been 2wks.....If i get lawyer i contest the will indirectly and its his discretion to take me out of it.
There's just no other reason OTHER than psychotic the way I look at it. Motivated by greed? No...your caring for mom is most assuredly less expensive by FAR than any other arrangement -- be it nursing home or live-in 24-hour care.
It's possible your brother sees you standing in the way of professional care for mom by your motivation not to lose your place to live.
That aside, personally? I think you're screwed, frankly. You're homeless, meaning you have no money to retain an attorney. And, even if you COULD, you'd be fighting an extreme up-hill battle . . . to what end? "The judge" will be strictly looking out for your mom. Not you. Unless you could show that something your brother was doing was jeopardizing your mom's health or safety? It's a battle, in my opinion, you can't win.
You've sacrificed eleven years of your life to care for your parents. Sometimes, no good deed goes unpunished, as they say. It's time for you to put your life back together . . . let the waters calm . . . and, instead of 24/7 caretaking your mom, visit her as the loving daughter you no doubt are and brighten her days.
In life we have to make sure our own house is in order before we go questioning someone else's house.
At the moment, the courts have apparently come to the conclusion that your brother's belief that you have been living off your parents' resources and creating problems for your mother is substantiated.
Get yourself sorted out, starting as though you were in a parallel universe that didn't have your mother in it. Once you have found your feet and are back on this planet, where remodelling 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and installing a hot tub are not routine best practice in dementia care; and seeing as most mothers' wellbeing would benefit from the presence of all their children in their lives; you will find you get a more sympathetic attitude from the courts to any application for contact with your mother.
Does your brother hate you, really? Or is he anxious to keep you away from your mother because he has legitimate concerns about her welfare? The effect on you is the same - unceremonious eviction - but if the latter is true then the future is infinitely more hopeful, and change is much more in your own two hands. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you will find loving help.
You say you're sure she is being cared for, so that is one big worry out of the way. Or it would be if you hadn't earlier said that her health was your main concern. Which?
The rest of it - your brother's control of your mother's… well, life, really, and especially who is included in it; the management of the trust from your father's estate; your brother's future role as executor of your mother's will: these are all things that are yet to be finalised. There is potential for the future that is worth making a purposeful effort for (in a good way, I mean).
The main thing is, I'm not being heartlessly sceptical about everything you've described. You are a person in trouble, and I'm sorry for it. I'm also sorry to think of a lady with dementia missing the daughter who has been a constant in her diminishing life - that is a big deal, it would be good for your mother to see you, but only if your presence doesn't conflict with her overall care. It's just that I have a feeling that some of these troubles have been around for really a very long time indeed, and that your description of motiveless vindictiveness and naked greed on the part of your brother is perhaps not 100% accurate. Or at least not 100% of the story.
What happens now? What would help? Where can you go to find somewhere to live, support with recovering from (I've no doubt) the trauma and exhaustion of the last 7 or 8 years, along with any other difficulties, and perhaps opportunities for gainful employment? Set some SMART goals (acronym, not emphasis) and ask for help with achieving them. Turn to local agencies for support. Best of luck, and keep in touch.
Why weren't you POA when you started caring for both parents? My brother and I have joint POA.
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