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My parents (91 and 95) live with me and my husband. One has severe dementia and the other with medical issues and hygiene issues. My father has severe dementia and mother is the primary caregiver. I do other things like take them to doctor visits, get their prescriptions, coordinate care, etc. I have a full-time job also. Mother now has gotten ill and is not able to do all the things that she did for my father and so I have had to step in. It is difficult taking care of two people with different illnesses. Now I myself have gotten a severe cold and feel very tired. I have nurses come in to take care during the week but what I need is an aide to help with my father (showering, dressing, etc.). There are some things I do not want to do and father can become very angry. I try to keep the house clean and sanitized but it is extremely difficult because they don’t wash their hands and I am constantly cleaning the bathroom because there is poop on the seat and no one flushes. To me this is totally unacceptable, but I clean it up. My own granddaughter will be coming to stay with us since my daughter is going to have a baby any day now. I am concerned about all of us getting sick because of their lack of hygiene. I have tried to keep on top of this. Can anyone tell me what else I can do? Thank you all so much. This site has been very helpful.

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I don't know how anyone can do this.

Have you considered getting them into care? I know it's not easy but you could end up going down with this ship.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this situation appears in some form several times a day on this forum. There are ways to keep elders in your home but it takes money, lots of help, bathrooms set up for elders and good respite time to get away. Is this possible in your case?
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The reoccurring theme that you're going to hear over and over on this website and many others is that you are becoming overwhelmed as a caregiver. But what I personally found is that when you feel overwhelmed you're typically about 90 days late in getting the help that you need so that YOU can survive. Get help. You cannot do this alone. You can't help them if you're dead.
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If they are unable to do hygiene then a family member has to do it. that means cleaning their urine and feces. That is usually the determination they go to a long-term nursing home.  Just because they are in a nursing home does not necessarily mean they will be well cleaned. Nursing assistants do it for the hourly wage.   As for home cleanliness, most families can't cope with that. You also have to make sure they are having a bowel movement at least every 3 days (preferably every 2 days)--which means they are on the road of getting impacted. If no bowel movement on the 3rd day you must administer a laxative.  That means giving laxatives and they just go in their diaper. For women this is especially ugly since the feces goes up their vagina and someone has to clean it out. They easily get urinary tract infections--so cleanliness is of the utmost importance.  That means someone is going to have to wash out their privates and very well. Sickening, isn't it.  Welcome to the world of caregiving. Keep WELL stocked with gloves, wipes, and if possible extend your handheld shower to reach the toilet.  And hopefully you have a strong back to lift and carry often dead weight. NOW imagine living this way as a WAY OF LIFE which can go on for YEARS and YEARS. 
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Several thoughts for you.
Is Dad or Mom a Veteran? If so they may qualify for help through the VA. The VA has several programs to help keep people in their homes.

You can call Hospice to find out if either is qualified for Hospice. This will get you help a few times a week to help shower and dress Dad and or Mom. (Whatever one is on Hospice) In addition to that there will be a Nurse that will come in to check vitals. The supplies will also be ordered as well as any equipment that may be needed. (Hospital bed, transport equipment, wheelchair)

Are you paying a Nurse to come in to care for your Dad? Does he really need a Nurse? I hired a CNA to help me care for my Husband. I found the two that I hired through the local Community College. The College has a Nursing program and I contacted the Director and ask if there were any recent CNA students that were looking to work privately. She gave my name and number to a few and I have to tell you the two I hired were the best caregivers that I had in the 3 years of having paid help.
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If you mom or dad is a veteran good luck getting that help. They go by *household income*. You have to be dirt poor to get some kind of help, which case you can just go on Medicaid which means nursing home placement. Be careful whom you hire. IF THEY HURT THEIR BACK, or just claim to get injured they can sue your estate because it allegedly happened on your property. If you hire people go the agency route -- that way the facility is licensed and insured for workman's comp.  Hospice is probably your best bet--Medicare pays for that but they must have a diagnosis of dying in 6 months and be Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) status. 
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Dear demstress,

I know you are doing a lot and it is overwhelming. Given their escalating care are they able to move into a nursing home together?

I would suggest talking with a social worker and see what other resources in the community or through church could be accessed to care for your elderly parents. I took care of my dad after his stroke but after three years of managing the household and all his care including his showers, it did take a toll. I failed to see how the anger and resentment was escalating. I should have tried to find a better balance and asked for more help.

I hope you can get some respite soon. Thinking of you.
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Sounds like you have your hands full! Here are some random thoughts/questions. What does the nurse do and what is your mom's issues? Have you considered bringing a companion in to spend time with the seniors? (think an at home mom while her children are at school). Typically they charge less than the aides but can help with some of the steps. Have a BIG bottle of sanitizer handy and make everyone use it all the time. Ditto on lysol wipes for the toilet, sink, door knobs, etc. Get a BIG box of rubber gloves and use them for all of the hygiene tasks (and sanitize on top of that).
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If your family cannot cope with cleaning poop and urine, and maintaining a bowel program, then you need to take them to a nursing home. If you have other helping hands -- consider yourself lucky.  Now imagine having to care for someone with Alzheimer's -- total care -- by YOURSELF with NO HELP.  The government won't help. Nobody will.
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Wow, being a mom myself; all I could think about was your going to have your second grandchild. Not to be harsh, but it's time to embrace life. I don't know how old your grandchild is, but your home doesn't seem to be a good place for small children now.

How long have you cared for your parents? I took care of my mom with Alzheimer's for 2 years in my home. When the incontinence issues became bad and the cancer diagnosis came along, I knew it was time to place mom. I know this can be overwhelming but maybe you should talk to someone who can help you. Someone who knows what other options are out there for your parents. Be honest with yourself; how long do you want to be a caregiver? It also sounds like mom needs more care and that you are getting burned out - understandably. My mom has deteriorated rapidly mentally and physically. She is now under hospice care and I am so glad she is not in my home. I love her, but I could not provide the level of care that she now needs. She has declined a lot in one year. The same may be true for your parents; better to make plans now while things are still manageable.

Get your parents assessed; she what the professionals think. A social worker or a geriatric care manager should be able to help you find an alternative solution.
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I live with both of my parents too, 87 my mom, 86 my dad. Dad with memory issues and heart disease, mother with cancer. Please Just don´t do it all alone, it simply is not possible. Many things will get out of your control. And you will start having feelings of resentment. Do look for any help. More hands are required.
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