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My parents (91 and 95) live with me and my husband. One has severe dementia and the other with medical issues and hygiene issues. My father has severe dementia and mother is the primary caregiver. I do other things like take them to doctor visits, get their prescriptions, coordinate care, etc. I have a full-time job also. Mother now has gotten ill and is not able to do all the things that she did for my father and so I have had to step in. It is difficult taking care of two people with different illnesses. Now I myself have gotten a severe cold and feel very tired. I have nurses come in to take care during the week but what I need is an aide to help with my father (showering, dressing, etc.). There are some things I do not want to do and father can become very angry. I try to keep the house clean and sanitized but it is extremely difficult because they don’t wash their hands and I am constantly cleaning the bathroom because there is poop on the seat and no one flushes. To me this is totally unacceptable, but I clean it up. My own granddaughter will be coming to stay with us since my daughter is going to have a baby any day now. I am concerned about all of us getting sick because of their lack of hygiene. I have tried to keep on top of this. Can anyone tell me what else I can do? Thank you all so much. This site has been very helpful.

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Dear demstress,

I know you are doing a lot and it is overwhelming. Given their escalating care are they able to move into a nursing home together?

I would suggest talking with a social worker and see what other resources in the community or through church could be accessed to care for your elderly parents. I took care of my dad after his stroke but after three years of managing the household and all his care including his showers, it did take a toll. I failed to see how the anger and resentment was escalating. I should have tried to find a better balance and asked for more help.

I hope you can get some respite soon. Thinking of you.
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Sounds like you have your hands full! Here are some random thoughts/questions. What does the nurse do and what is your mom's issues? Have you considered bringing a companion in to spend time with the seniors? (think an at home mom while her children are at school). Typically they charge less than the aides but can help with some of the steps. Have a BIG bottle of sanitizer handy and make everyone use it all the time. Ditto on lysol wipes for the toilet, sink, door knobs, etc. Get a BIG box of rubber gloves and use them for all of the hygiene tasks (and sanitize on top of that).
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Thank you all for suggestions. Mom has back issues and is in terrible pain. She is on a variety of medications and all have side effects so she is not functioning well. I have hand sanitizers everywhere and use Lysol wipes. But I feel I am not getting all the areas that someone touches. I will get a big box of rubber gloves. Father's care is different because he cannot do anything for himself and he becomes quite angry if you ask him to do something, like get out of bed.
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I don't know how anyone can do this.

Have you considered getting them into care? I know it's not easy but you could end up going down with this ship.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this situation appears in some form several times a day on this forum. There are ways to keep elders in your home but it takes money, lots of help, bathrooms set up for elders and good respite time to get away. Is this possible in your case?
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Thank you for all for your responses. You are all so kind and understanding. Bless you!
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The reoccurring theme that you're going to hear over and over on this website and many others is that you are becoming overwhelmed as a caregiver. But what I personally found is that when you feel overwhelmed you're typically about 90 days late in getting the help that you need so that YOU can survive. Get help. You cannot do this alone. You can't help them if you're dead.
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If they are unable to do hygiene then a family member has to do it. that means cleaning their urine and feces. That is usually the determination they go to a long-term nursing home.  Just because they are in a nursing home does not necessarily mean they will be well cleaned. Nursing assistants do it for the hourly wage.   As for home cleanliness, most families can't cope with that. You also have to make sure they are having a bowel movement at least every 3 days (preferably every 2 days)--which means they are on the road of getting impacted. If no bowel movement on the 3rd day you must administer a laxative.  That means giving laxatives and they just go in their diaper. For women this is especially ugly since the feces goes up their vagina and someone has to clean it out. They easily get urinary tract infections--so cleanliness is of the utmost importance.  That means someone is going to have to wash out their privates and very well. Sickening, isn't it.  Welcome to the world of caregiving. Keep WELL stocked with gloves, wipes, and if possible extend your handheld shower to reach the toilet.  And hopefully you have a strong back to lift and carry often dead weight. NOW imagine living this way as a WAY OF LIFE which can go on for YEARS and YEARS. 
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If your family cannot cope with cleaning poop and urine, and maintaining a bowel program, then you need to take them to a nursing home. If you have other helping hands -- consider yourself lucky.  Now imagine having to care for someone with Alzheimer's -- total care -- by YOURSELF with NO HELP.  The government won't help. Nobody will.
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Several thoughts for you.
Is Dad or Mom a Veteran? If so they may qualify for help through the VA. The VA has several programs to help keep people in their homes.

You can call Hospice to find out if either is qualified for Hospice. This will get you help a few times a week to help shower and dress Dad and or Mom. (Whatever one is on Hospice) In addition to that there will be a Nurse that will come in to check vitals. The supplies will also be ordered as well as any equipment that may be needed. (Hospital bed, transport equipment, wheelchair)

Are you paying a Nurse to come in to care for your Dad? Does he really need a Nurse? I hired a CNA to help me care for my Husband. I found the two that I hired through the local Community College. The College has a Nursing program and I contacted the Director and ask if there were any recent CNA students that were looking to work privately. She gave my name and number to a few and I have to tell you the two I hired were the best caregivers that I had in the 3 years of having paid help.
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If you mom or dad is a veteran good luck getting that help. They go by *household income*. You have to be dirt poor to get some kind of help, which case you can just go on Medicaid which means nursing home placement. Be careful whom you hire. IF THEY HURT THEIR BACK, or just claim to get injured they can sue your estate because it allegedly happened on your property. If you hire people go the agency route -- that way the facility is licensed and insured for workman's comp.  Hospice is probably your best bet--Medicare pays for that but they must have a diagnosis of dying in 6 months and be Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) status. 
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Wow, being a mom myself; all I could think about was your going to have your second grandchild. Not to be harsh, but it's time to embrace life. I don't know how old your grandchild is, but your home doesn't seem to be a good place for small children now.

How long have you cared for your parents? I took care of my mom with Alzheimer's for 2 years in my home. When the incontinence issues became bad and the cancer diagnosis came along, I knew it was time to place mom. I know this can be overwhelming but maybe you should talk to someone who can help you. Someone who knows what other options are out there for your parents. Be honest with yourself; how long do you want to be a caregiver? It also sounds like mom needs more care and that you are getting burned out - understandably. My mom has deteriorated rapidly mentally and physically. She is now under hospice care and I am so glad she is not in my home. I love her, but I could not provide the level of care that she now needs. She has declined a lot in one year. The same may be true for your parents; better to make plans now while things are still manageable.

Get your parents assessed; she what the professionals think. A social worker or a geriatric care manager should be able to help you find an alternative solution.
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I think that your parents are beyond staying with you. Their needs are too much for you. Take a look at nursing homes or skilled nursing facilities and ask about a needs assesment due to the fact that they need more help than you can provide.If your parents don't like it, they have to suck it up, nobody likes getting old and needing help.
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You're right to be concerned because yes, you can get sick! It sounds like it's long past time for a family intervention and someone needs to give them a G.I. bath. When someone won't shower and nothing else works, i'm all for the G.I. bath, especially if the patient is in a mental state where you can't reason with them. When all else fails, G.I. bath rules!
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My MIL is 89 and lives with us and has Stage 6 alzheimer's. She also does not wash her hands. I used to stand outside the bathroom door to remind her to wash with soap but I was making myself crazy doing this. The other issue is that my husband is not bothered by this. So I used to ask him to sanitize her hands every time she came out of the bathroom but he would just get mad at me. So now, I just take the Purell bottle myself and squirt it in her hands. I also have cans of Lysol all around the house and spray everything myself. This is the only way to keep my sanity. I feel your pain.
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Call Adult Protective Services. They have the instant authority to place them in a Nursing Home with qualified care. You can't do it so stop hanging yourself out!
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I live with both of my parents too, 87 my mom, 86 my dad. Dad with memory issues and heart disease, mother with cancer. Please Just don´t do it all alone, it simply is not possible. Many things will get out of your control. And you will start having feelings of resentment. Do look for any help. More hands are required.
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It is not a good idea for mom to have a BM in her diaper. If you have given her a laxative, take note how long it takes to work and put her on the toilet. You can attached a long hose (like in the kitchen) to the shower or bath faucet (get a handyman if you can) and then you can "hose" her off where needed right as she is sitting on the toilet. Use wet wipes and gloves and put a pull up diaper between her feet as she is sitting down. She can get up holding a rail if you have one on the toilet or close by and then you pull up the diaper over her bottom. You can also use a liner inside the pull up diaper which you can then dispose of as needed. Hope this helps a little.
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I do feel for you demstres... I'm private care giver for 94 years old lady since March 2012, when I got hired by her family that time all of her family member thought their Mom is going to die soon... because she has been not eating well and always complaining about some pains, Make my story short, currently she is very healthy for 94. well her problems are her incontinence (both), wear disposable diaper and pad. Want to go bathroom so many times (ave 6 to 7 at day)and at night 4 to 5 times.
Actually she does forget she already used the toilet. And never had UTI. She is very lucky to have good 3 caregivers ... don't misunderstand I'm not super caregiver but me and two other do a very good care for our client, seriously so her family can go on their life. I understand that grow up toilet mess are not like babies, Can you hire someone (couple of caregivers for 24 hours round clock?) I don't know which area you are living... here in San Diego, care agency are very expensive!!! but you could hire private one like us... it is very negotiable rate... I'm planning to stay with her as long as my health is good, some night are sleepless so when she has nap I do the same ( I work 72 hours straight and no break ) Please take care of yourself first....
Sue
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