Christmas. Any suggestions?

How is everyone in a family working themselves into a lather anyone's idea of celebrating the birth of the savior of mankind?

The moral of this story is similar to all the rest of the stories on Earth: You can't please all of the people all of the time. So stop trying so hard.

You have a brother who 'won't get over it' if you don't do things precisely HIS way. Then I suggest you all go over to HIS house where he can do things precisely the way he wants to, and that ends your obligation to bend over backwards to accommodate his desires. If, btw, he works full time, he certainly DOES 'have the money' to buy 'catered' food such as pre made mashed potatoes which does not constitute 'catered food' but pre made foods we ALL buy at the grocery store so that nobody is slaving over the sink peeling potatoes for 2 hours or a hot stove boiling them. #Truth. You're not 'stuck' doing anything you don't choose to do willingly. If you don't want to do something, decline politely. And whoever doesn't 'get over' will still live through it, I guarantee you that.

Insofar as your mother's wishes go, the woman has dementia. Her wishes will change on a dime (trust me on that), so now, she's no longer in charge of making decisions, YOU are. That includes paying her bills if she would like your continued help in living with her, etc. Which also includes putting up Christmas decorations. That's up to you, and should not have anything to do with 'guilt' regarding how much spare time you have, but what you WANT to do. You don't need an 'excuse' not to do your mother's version of decorating, nor should you feel the need to call yourself 'selfish' for not wanting the stress of The Holidays when you've already taken on the huge stressful burden of moving in with your mother. Whoever doesn't understand that stressful burden has never lived with their elderly, dementia-stricken mother before. #Truth again.

Whatever you decide to do here, should be YOUR decision and yours alone. Whoever doesn't agree with you doesn't have to; it's not necessary that an entire family be in 100% agreement with one another over 'holiday festivities' and how they're carried out. Christmas is Jesus's birthdate and something tells me, He doesn't care if the potatoes are boiled on the stove, purchased in a carton at Safeway, or skipped altogether for a PB&J sandwich at the kitchen table. We get so busy with the details of making the festivities perfect, that we forget the reason for the season in the first place.

Best of luck.

You should have your brother read this post because you've explained yourself pretty well.
If everyone wants to help with the holiday decorating, the cooking, and the cleaning, then pull out all the decorations and do it up. Not if they don't though.
Tell your mother these EXACT words as kindly as you can:

'Mom, I think it's a great idea that we should decorate for Christmas and celebrate. I know you can't do it yourself and I'll help. I can't get out all the decorations or do all the cleaning up, but I'll certainly help'.

Then stick to your word. Don't let her guilt or scapegoat you into become a seasonal slave to her dream Christmas. If she can't respect your boundaries then don't do anything for the holiday.
My mother always ruined the holidays for me since I was a little kid. I was never allowed to enjoy them because they were always just about her depression and how much work she had to do.
Then as I got older the holidays were basically me driving myself into exhaustion doing everything while at the same time making it look like she was doing it.
Then I met the love of my life. A nice Jewish man and I converted. Christmas is coming and my elderly mother has been bringing her A-game with the guilt-tripping. I told her that I'll be doing Christmas day like a proper Jew. Having Chinese food with my husband and son. The rest of my family can do Christmas for her.
If your mother won't be reasonable and understand that you're not going be a holiday slave, then maybe you should light the menorah, get some Chinese food and the family can have a Jewish Christmas.
I remember the first year I did this with my husband and his family. We were just dating then. It was the best "Christmas" I ever had.

Maybe her last Christmas, maybe not. The last post I read on here, the parent died at age 106. Can you handle 15 more Christmases? For now, you could just say no. What's she going to do, call the Christmas police? Maybe she'll call other family members, and they'll say no too, then at least you're not the only bad guy.

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but sometimes I wish they would just cancel Christmas. It always brings about so much stress for me and I know for a lot of people. It's supposed to be about love and joy and yet every year it gets more commercialized and that just adds to the stress. And then add to that the unrealistic expectations that some people have and you've got a perfect recipe for disappointment.

I think you should do what makes you happy. Period. If people get hurt that's their problem and is on them.

Put out a few of her decorations.
Pay for cleaning help. A lot of companies will do a one day.
Make a few dishes only if you want but order from a restaurant or grocery already cooked.

Scale way down to what you feel up to. Use paper everything this year. No one can do the huge holidays that we used to.

Mom will get over it.

Sounds like you’ll be in charge of cleaning out all this excess Christmas stuff when Mom’s gone …. Can you use this year’s exercise of going through it to also organize some of it? I mean as you’re pulling it all out, is there a box or two (or 10) you can mark in such a way that when the time comes you’re able to know it’s all junk/things you don’t want so you’ll be able to get rid of it quickly/easily? Alternatively, get a new box or two and put the most special items in there and those are all you keep when the time comes. Organizing all of it doesn’t get easier after we lose the parent .. it only becomes a more painful chore. You could instead organize it with her (in her chair watching, no doubt) and save yourself one task later. She doesn’t need to know you’re thinking ahead - she just gets to see you enjoying her treasured items/memories with her which is probably what she wants this Christmas anyway.

fresh market does a lovely holiday meal you can pick up the day before and reheat. Get the thicker/fancier disposable dishes and focus on her potential last holiday vs the burden on you. Can your brother drive you guys around to look at Christmas lights? I know all of this is easier said than done but you won’t regret bringing joy to her and your family.

say no. Growing up my mother did the bare minimum for holidays. Little to almost nothing. At about age 60 she became a holiday decorating junkie. About 40 boxes of stuff and 3 large trees. She expected me to spend 2-3 days putting up stiff and more time taking down and storing. I did it 2 years with no help but a lot of criticism. then I said no more. I started giving stuff away to grandchildren who were setting up houses. She complained. but by that time she needed more help with other things and she realized I could step back completely.

I would put out a few important decorations and that’s it.

I know you said you don’t have money to get aspects of the meal catered, but it’s still expensive to buy everything at the grocery store. My family has ordered Chinese food on Christmas in the past. It was easy, inexpensive and everyone loved it.

As the host, you can decide what to do. Absolutely paper plates! If you do make something, keep it simple or do potluck.

If brother doesn’t like your plan, he can host! Don’t let everyone steamroll you. Sending love.

Last year my husband and I started a new tradition: we just trim the tree with lights, no ornaments! Its simplicity is beautiful (we started making donations of ornaments and Christmas decorations to our local thrift store boutique). See if you can order a package meal through a gourmet grocery store or restaurant) and be a guest at your own feast...........we're doing that, this year.

Life has taught me to pivot and not get stuck in my ways.