I live next to my in-laws, and I was near the point of filing for divorce in the fall over enmeshment. Instead, I divorced the situation and have put distance between myself, his family, and responsibilities that ought to belong to his siblings instead of me. His mother has been sick from pancreatic cancer for 4.5 years. The chemo has taken its toll. In October, she was told to stop since lesions had grown. Because then she had gone a month without chemo, they allowed her to try it again. Sometimes she can’t get it due to her labs, but now it’s been more consistent, and she will have a scan in a week to see the effect it’s had on the cancer. She has fallen and my husband had to leave at 11pm one night, couldn’t get off the toilet, etc. Very weak, frail, needs diapers, slurring words, etc. One of his siblings said she wanted to shield her grown kids (grandkids) from this because they had studies. That made me upset. Well, my kids live next to it! We can’t! My daughter said she wished it was all over with. Living in the shadows of this negativity has taken its toll on my kids. My husband is the helper. We have four kids, ages 8-13. My husband knows I regret living next to them, but it’s too late now. I told my daughter it was okay to wish it was over with. The kids have seen a lot, and I know other kids go through this stuff, but I wish we had distance. I am also mad at doctors. The chemo will never end. There is no finish line other than death, and it’s clearly making it all worse. She is at least using a walker now. Most don’t think it’ll be a long lasting problem because of the cancer type, but it’s been 5 years. It’s so depressing being so involved in it. I personally don’t get why doctors would continue to give chemo against their own advice to her. I am just waiting for more bad things to happen. I would understand if it were going to cure her. I’ve said enough. It’s been depressing and I feel like her illness has been our main focus.
You don't have to be her caregiver or make your kids take backseat in your life because your MIL needs a caregiver. There are other solutions than moving to another place or you being her caregiver. Live-in help (that she and your FIL pay for) can be moved in with them. Or if a live-in isn't necessary, hourly paid help. You don't have to do it.
Have a talk with your husband. Tell him that you and the kids cannot continue in this situation. That either another arrangement is made for your MIL, or you will be taking the kids and leaving.
It's kind of hard to blame your husband's siblings for their feelings, isn't it? I don't want my adult kids to experience this either. YOU don't want YOUR kids to experience it. Even when they are adults, you'll still think of them as your babies and want only good things for them. And you do know that you can take yourself, and them, out of this situation. You considered it and decided against it. You have weighed all the factors and continue to weigh them: your husband's conviction that he must do this; whether your MIL can be convinced to "give up" and whether anyone is willing to try; how determined you are to remain in the marriage (or at least living together); how much harm it's causing the kids. Once you've done this and decided you're going to ride it out, you have to find a way to live with it in the meantime. Counseling might help. Support groups might help. Posting on this forum might help. Hopefully it can help to reframe this as a choice, which it is, rather than something being forced on you.
I do agree 100% with drawing the line in the sand that your children will not be conscripted into housework or elder care. I don't think your husband is thinking clearly (which is understandable).
So you don’t really know what the doc says or how he presents her options . Sounds like MIL may be near the end of getting any chemo offered .
A few months before my father died , when his cancer came back with a vengeance the oncologist told us he could only offer palliative care , no more chemo , radiation , or immunotherapy.
I did not realize that my father wasn’t sure what palliative care meant . Dad did not ask the doctor any questions.
I was driving Dad back home and he asked me what it meant . He wasn’t surprised , I think he did know , it was just he had to process it .
My aunt died from pulmonary fibrosis while insisting to the end she wasn’t dying. She died and her opinion didn’t matter about that.
DO NOT ruin your children’s Christmas by making them clean up old lady dying from cancer urine. I can’t think of anything worse for them and it shows how messed up this is— what this journey is doing to your husband.
Plus, excrement from poison chemo drugs? He has really lost the plot.
I promise you it’s all ending soon. 5 years is about as long as she can go. She is at the end.
I have one friend who is an oncologist and he will do that but he will also tell them there is a time to live and a time to die and they are dying so they really need to think about the quality of life. He has zero issues with telling people they are dying because they are.
Hang in there. It might happen very quickly when no one is expecting it.
Maintain your boundaries , including not involving the children . They are too young for this disruption , and too young to gain any lessons from this situation .
Many people accept any and all treatment to the bitter end despite the poor quality of life . It’s difficult to watch and natural to want the suffering to end .
Long term illnesses of parents are disruptive to marriages, which is partially why you wish your MIl would stop treatments . Your husband should be setting up some hired help and setting some boundaries as well with his parents .
You are absolutely right that you are allowed to shield children. You only have a few years with your children before they leave home. You are right to want a good life for them.
If you were in your MIL’s position and were afraid to die, you may be wanting the chemo too. But the question is, would you charge your children with your dirty diapers in order to achieve that gaol?
Almost five years living with pancreatic cancer is a miracle within itself. My mom was diagnosed in 1988 and died five months later.
I know it's hard for all of you. I don't have any words of wisdom to help ease your pain.
A friend of mine was in remission for 4.5 yrs and then it came back with a vengence and took her. She again decided to fight, to no avail. Your MIL has her reasons to soldiering on. It's not our job to judge it, just to decide our involvement which it seems you have done. Please don't miss this opportunity to allow your kids to learn wisdom and grow emotionally from this first-hand experience with their Grandma. After my 3 sons (in their teens) helped with my in-laws they had a lot more compassion for people in general and elders specifically. It also gave them a glimpse of what it might be like for me and my husband (their parents).
Exposing kids to the realities of suffering and death doesn't always scar them for the worse. How did people survive it "back in the day"? IMHO it made people stronger. I don't blame you for wanting it to be over as it is excruciating to helplessly watch people suffer. May you gain wisdom and peace in your heart through this experience.
My mother told me it was one of the hardest conversations she had to have with me, to tell me she was tired of fighting and was ready to let go. She was afraid of what my reaction would be. When I told her I fully understood what she was feeling, and would ultimately support whatever decision she made, she opted to end all life prolonging treatments.
It was kind of ironic with my mom, because I never voiced an opinion for her to fight on "no matter what". But it made her nervous to approach me and express her desire to let go.
Bingocat, has anyone in your husband's family had a real conversation with her as to whether or not SHE wants to continue treatment? An honest conversation where she can express HER wishes and not focus on what she thinks her family might want her to do? It's a terribly hard conversation to have on both sides, but maybe it would be helpful to your husband's mom and family. Because if she is under the impression that they are pushing her, even subtly so, to continue treatment that is making her existence miserable, it might help to let her express HER wishes without guilt or recriminations.
I’m glad you’ve backed off in this. My only advice is to try to do so further, divorce your emotions as well, don’t encourage or ask for updates, don’t have your children hear anything or have them visit. Protecting yourself is never wrong and I wish you peace
However, all that said, you really did once step back and stay out of this. And I would highly suggest that you continue to do this. Surely it is clear now that whether chemo kills her, or whether her pancreatic cancer kills her, she IS dying.
You are also aware that she wishes to continue this fight despite it being recommended that it is hopeless and is robbing her of quality of life.
However, that is ENTIRELY HER OWN CHOICE.
As to hubby, it is HIS CHOICE in how to proceed as well.
So basically, you didn't ask us a question here, and that's good, because there is no answer. Rather there IS an answer. Your MIL is dying of Pancreatic Cancer, and of the side effects of the chemo used to give her more time. You will never have an answer as to which took her life, but one will, and that will be very soon. Meanwhile, follow the WISE WISE PATH you already chose, which is staying out of it. If you are able to offer sympathy or comfort to hubby or ex hubby if that's where it is going, then do so.
As an RN I have chosen, in this my second bout with breast cancer, just what I will take and what I won't. Chemo is off the list. I will die, if that's where this is headed, but I won't do chemo. It's a personal choice and that's what it has to be. When I first had cancer in my 40s, four decades ago, I DID do chemo. That was personal choice at that time, for that age, and again--personal choice. The opinions of others, honestly, at such times, are only confusion, and are not needed or wanted unless they are asked.
Wishing you good luck. All of this is particularly difficult in holiday seasons when the onus and burden is on us to "be happy" and to "make merry".
Yes it is hard to see a decline. But there can still be joys in life. Not everyone is having joy, though. There are definitely people who aren't having any good quality of life. I think of the many animals I've had and how and when they died. There were times I had to euthanize them, and it was sad to lose them, but worse to see any suffering.
So I don't know, but for me, I wouldn't want to close any doors for myself if I could still enjoy things. If I couldn't, that would change the equation. I'm not saying either of you are wrong in any way, I'm just saying that it's interesting to think about this especially when we can't really get a good read from the elders if they can't express themselves well to us. Also when there are no obvious signs of pain and distress. It's a lot to think about for our own futures.
Just remember, you have to be of sound mind when you sign papers asking to be euthanized for an incurable disease, if that's legal where you live in the US. If you have already developed dementia you can't sign the papers.
My mom is 97 years old and has dementia, congestive heart failure, and various other ailments. She lives in an assisted-living facility and receives hospice care. The hospice nurse said recently that mom might live another 3 years like this. My heart dropped. It's very depressing.