How can you change your parents' constant negativity and unappreciativeness? (is that a word?)

Remember these two things. 1. You can't make someone be something they aren't. You can't control them. 2. You CAN control how you respond to the comments and how they make you fee.
When she points out the least little thing, say "Mmmmm that's too bad" or "That's unfortunate." or "What do you know." then exit the room. EVERY time she does this. It's her, not you. It's not the way you do things at all. It's her. Her glass has become half empty instead of half full. Take the high road and keep on keeping on. You can do this

Oh boy is your post hitting home today. My 95 year old mother in law just came home today after 3 weeks in rehab. The whole time she was there she was whining and complaining about everything and everyone. It was great not having her here but we still had to go visit her every day and handle all her medical issues. It was hardly a break. You'd think she'd be glad to be back in her own room but she just picked up where she left off and added to it. She does nothing for herself. We do everything. The most she can do is feed herself and shuffle a few steps to her bedside commode. I know she's miserable and tired but good grief she's not happy unless there's something to complain about. She calls us in her room over and over. It's cold, it's hot, I want to lie down, I need to use the commode, when are my next pain pills, I'm bored. We don't do anything right or fast enough in her mind. We are responsible for all of her misery and when we say something to her about it she gets passive aggressive and tells my husband he doesn't love her. That just sets my husband off.

It's so hard to be patient and understanding when they show no appreciation for what you do all day every day and night. Ours is such a needy, negative woman and we are just not equipped to give her the amount of attention she demands and take care of everything else. Don't feel bad about how you feel. There are a lot of us down here in the trenches with you. I wish I could give you some stellar advice. We were told to take 3 deep breaths in those situations before you respond to them to help calm yourself. It works if you remember. Sometimes it just feels better to scream or slam a door. She's deaf so she doesn't know. The dog just thinks we're crazy ;-)

Ditto... But, I think it's because they are (obviously) in a different world due to their age. They're not the same people they were when they were 'younger'. They wish they could do it, and I think they 'think' they are doing it 'through' us. In other words, they are living through us... I do think underneath it all they are very thankful, but have so many things going on in their minds... and, possible fearful in aging... God Bless all of you in this situation... Be kinder on yourself so you don't get sick... xoxoo...

Headset and some good music? Ear plugs? I even have started watching movies with the headset on so I can ignore the complaining and enjoy the movie.
It's great if you can ignore it, but I'm the sort of person who kind of absorbs other peoples' pain or irritation, so it is very hard to not let it affect my mood.
You have my utmost sympathy, Flowergirl. Wish I had better advice.

Some people are just negative by nature. Mom will be 84 at the end of September and is in excellent health. Yesterday I called her to see if she was informed of the sex of her grandaughter's unborn child. I was waiting for my daughter to give her the exciting news.Since she did not mention it, I figured my daughter had not had the opportunity to tell her grandmother. So I said nothing leaving it to my daughter to share the excitement with her grandmother.

All she talked about was the past and how poorly she was treated as a child and what a victim she is. Same story, different day. After our conversation my daughter called me and I asked her if she had told her grandmother the good news. She said yes, she had talked to her twice. I was not surprised. Mom did not mention one word about her new great granddaughter. It was the excitement of the entire family but she never mentioned it. It wasn't about her.

Negative, selfish, totally uninterested. And this is not age related.

Your post hits home for me today, too. My mom loves to complain. The food is too expensive. Too salty. Not salty enough. It gave her the runs. That doctor's appointment is too early. I need a different haircut. I should dress differently. That table should be moved. And so on ... There's always something being done wrong. It's annoying but little can be done. Sometimes I just shrug and say, "well, I like it that way" or I say, "you can do your things your way and I'll do mine my way."

If I throw my two cents in, I think it is lack of control. Fussing and critisizing little things can give a sense of still being in charge. "See there are greenfly on the roses AGAIN"
It conveys the impression that when she was in charge and powerful no bug would dare set foot in her garden. Maybe ask for her advice????????????"What did you use to spray them with Mom? That helps to validate her as a person and still valuable. Easy to make suggestions when not in someone elses situation.

I'm interested in your indignation that your daughter accuses *you* of being negative! Ditto. But to look on the bright side, my irritation with my mother's constant focus on the miserable, the faulty, the offensive in everything she beholds has stopped me doing it so much. Our search for something, anything - please God! - that will bring a smile to their little old faces does force us to seek out positives. I can't speak for anyone else, but I do have to admit that that might not always have been my everyday habit cough cough...

Oh yes the little ladies light up when there is some gossip or bad news about someone else. This used to bother me greatly because my Mom never was gleeful about others misfortunes but boy has that changed. She delights when I do something that she thinks is wrong or not good enough. I just ignore it but she moved into AL 3 weeks ago and I worry about the impression that she will make on the residents who are still "with it" mentally.

Must follow this question. My Mom is the same way. Will write more at another time. Just got in. Thanks!!