How to keep from going crazy while caring for your mother & not having a life?

I am taking care of my 87 year old mom solo as well. She has dementia, heart and other health issues. Each day is a test of one's patience and strength. Most of all I miss the mother I used to know.

I had to read Paula 2024's message three times to make sure it wasn't me that typed it. I am a diy'er, a loner and 63.I am looking at some home care or home assistance possibilities and even looking into setting up some kind of time exchange group with other caregivers in the area to help each other out, but since we are at the stage where mom doesn't want to be more than 2 feet away from me 24/7, I am not sure it will work out for her. I have no words of wisdom to share, but here's to each of us for doing what we can for our loved ones for as long as we can.

Rioblu, You may able to find a place that will give u some respite break for a few hours a day. For instances, have u check the website where u can look for a Alzheimer's in your local area to help assist you with your mom special needs?
The both of you could check that area out n I would also see if they have any funds with their "Caregiver Time Out program." Their is a time waiting list so the sooner the better to get on it. I waited for about 3 -6 months n now I get a little help n take my mil to a church for 4hrs one day a week. I could take her for 4 days per week yet,t that would be like trying to pull her teeth. I appreciate the one day a week for 4hrs. If u can get her out the door n at a place a couple of times, who knows she may enjoy herself. You really need that break even if it is a few hrs. Good luck.

I the loan caregiver of my mother 90 years. She still thinks she can live alone after breaking both hips and last year her wrist. I moved her to live in my house with the understanding we would try to make a go of it with options. Lots of tension at times because of hearing aids and then trying to explain things to her. She does not have any mental problems outside of being real stubborn. I set up an appointment with a real nice care facility so the director could explain the options of the facility and also in home care etc. At the same time I made appointment with a counselor who deals with the elderly. She says she does not want to talk to anyone. ?? She is still able to make her own decisions I have power of attorney. I am at my wits in trying to deal with the situation. I do not want to be mean just want a break from the situation. I live out from town so day care is not a option. About ready to pack her bags. Any body feel the same way. What can I do legally?

I am taking care of my Mom, my sisters have moved out of state and my brother shows up twice a month for a total of one hour a month. We do pay for companions and home health aides to come in and sit with mom while I am at work. I really miss just being able to go grocery shopping which I have no time to do anymore and I also feel isolated, and the sad thing is to get a babysitter for mom costs almost what I make an hour. I really have felt the need of this site this past week, so glad that it is here.

My granddaughter who lives with us pleads with me to get a hobby or just do something else than sit around with mom. I tell her I want too, but mom needs watching. When I do go off in the house by myself and do something, mom either follows me around or does something that gets me upset and I feel bad she gets in those fixes. Granddaughter works outside the home. Sometimes it is like no one understands what 24/7 care actually is.

they do have a insulin pump i dont know how it works something to check into.i know how everyone feels.evething was drop in my lap with my mother-in- law. i do everything. plus my husband isnt in the best of health either. plus i work. i didnt relize about dementia and lying and their hurtful lies that are no where near the truth but that is real to them and the sad part is her kids want nothing to do with her.i do the best i can each day sometimes a cry helps but not all the time. once in a while i have to kinda thro a little hissy and it seems to get her attention then she behaves for a while take care

Care giving 24/7/365 for dementia parents is very stressful to say the least. We had my MIL for two years and it was by far the most difficult task I ever took on. We have always had a wonderful relationship over thirty years.....however, when she was told she had dementia and could no longer live alone we decided to move her into our home. Within months I realized I had taken on a very big responsibility...... no help from any of her children and I had to learn to draw boundaries and become like her parent......that was very difficult for me. unfortunately it all became to much for me with no help and she was requiring more and more attention. I had to make the very difficult decision of placing her into an assisted living home two weeks ago.....I only wish we had done it sooner. She is much happier and my husband and I can start enjoying our lives again . I know it works well for some families however, sometimes it is just not the best thing for everyone involved. When we as caregivers become tired, resentful and no time to take care of ourselves then we are of no good to our parents. Its definitely a very personal decision not to be taken lightly. Since her move our relationship has improved immensely..... living with someone and spending time with that someone is totally different. I feel like I can once again be the daughterinlaw that she deserves!!! She's well cared for has new friends and I'm not the enemy for having to tell her constantly what she needed to do or not do. God bless each one of you.....care giving truly is one difficult undertaking. Just always remember you are not alone and first and foremost take care of yourselves...you will be of no good to anyone if you don't. Take care and God bless!! K

I JUST FOUND THE SITE AND I AS MOST OF U ALL R A CAREGIVER OF A FAMILY MEMBER I CARE FOR MY MOM WHOM LIVES WHITH MY HUSBAND AND OUR 3 BOYS 7,16,20 AND THEY R ALL A BIG HELP TO ME WITH MY MOM WHO IS IN A WHEELCHAIR AND HAS MANY HEALTH PROBLEMS..I HAVE BEEN A CAREGIVER TO MY MOM SINCE MY DAD PASSED AWAY IN 2007 ,SHE LIVED BY HERSELF FOR 2YRS AND THEN SHE STARTED GOING DOWN HILL I GO TSITTERS TO COME AND STAY WITH HER TO HELP ME AND MY OLDEST BOYS OUT WICH WE TOOK TURNS STAY WITH HER THEM AT NIGHT AND I WAS IN AND OUT DURNIGN THE DAY WHICH SHE WAS OK DURING THE DAY..I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO WERE IN THE SAME PLACE AS ME AND MY FAMILY TO TALK TO ..IM FROM ALABAMA 42 AND GOING CRAZY FOR HELP...

Mommao, I am near but not in Ala yet Columbus Ga. However, I don't have the fortunate of having any kids helping me out with the mil. I can get her once n a while to go to a church for 4hrs once a wk. However, since she has been having stomach issues, the only thing I can get her out is at the dr's office n lab work. Hopefully, tomorrow I will know more. She seems to be getting a little better slowly at a time. 47 n holding. ; o .
Thanger, I fully understand the 24/7 thang. Someone told me the reason my mil follows me everywhere is that she feels comfortable with me around as if I am her security blanket. From what you have mention it sounds the same, sorry. I call my mil sometimes my shadow. Yes! It can get very irritating. As other have said, "care-giving is NOT for wussy!" So, keep coming back n go to the topic area if u have not yet called, How are you doing the caregiver" something to that line. & "Grossed out just caught mom brushing her hair with my toothbrush."
Kooski, I feel sometimes packing my own bags n never coming back. Does she Alzheimer or Dementia or just old age n stubbornness.? Not sure you can do anything if she is mentally able to make her own decision. However, I would suggest talking to a social worker n letting them know your concern for her own Safeness n see what they suggest. You still have a life too.
Bigkatie, Good for you for no-one should have to deal with this if it is causing more problems than helping. You can only do so much n you too have your life to live. I am so glad that u took those necessary steps n now can get back to living your own life with your family.
I have been going out of my wits with the mil for when something is wrong with them it seems the Alzheimer's gets worse. At least it seems like the new meds r working but slowly. Hopefully she will get back to her own meanness self.
I hope everyone has a good day today.

Lildeb....thank you for your kind words! My heart goes out to all the caregivers.....it truly is a very difficult road to travel. I wish you the best....remember to take care of you as well!! K

Im the primary caregiver for my mom also. Until recently I was trying to do everything without much help but her dementia is getting more severe and had to make these choices even though she fought me the whole way. I have cared for my mom for so long either financially or medically that she depends on me the most which is normal I have found out. Was able to get help from state to get adult daycare and some homecare. This basically covers when I'm working. I work a very stressful job with inconsistent hours I have even thought of quitting to just take care of her. I try to get away when I can just even if its for an hour and do some shopping, go to casino or take a walk on river....hang in there!!!

Hello all. 53 yrs old here taking care of my mother who is 77 and is rapidly declining with A.D. We brought her to live with us this past October and was not prepared mentally, emotionally, physically for her rapid decline. For the first month she was somewhat okay and then whammo! Within 4 weeks we bought security locks for doors and windows, cameras, faucet guards (due to her turning water on then leaving) portapotty for her bedroom, etc. She is not at the point of wearing Depends yet, but she now is forgetting to wipe after having a bowel movement. My husband and I have a manufacturing company and I handle customer service calls from our home. Having the cameras set up in the house where I can monitor via my computer has been a Godsend. I thought I was going to lose my mind right along with my Mom the first couple of months. Yet, even with all of things we bought/installed, etc., it is still stressful. (but much better than it was!) My mom is at the point where she can't do simple 25 piece puzzles. 98% of the time she doesn't even know who I am. I found she loves classical music playing, old movies, and certain game shows. Even though there are days it is a pain in the doopah I make sure she doesn't nap. At night she gets Ativan and she sleeps soundly. During the day she has what I call "sun-upping" and will pace, repeatedly going into drawers, etc. I have said to my husband that it reminds me of when our kids were going through the terrible twos and having to get into everything. I have brothers who do not care about her so there is no help from them I have a wonderful husband (thank God!) who will give me help and needed breaks. I have much compassion for those of you here who do not have the help because of the stress this causes even when there is relief.

My best wishes are with you. You are so young to be going through this point in your life, too. I am 57 and Mom is 94 and right now as far as I can tell it is dementia and sundowning and "sunupping". My Mom has me so confused and the doctors confused as well. Just every "whipstitch" we are going into the ER for "recharges" and bouts with pneumonia. We all absolutely think that she will not make it out and so does her doctor, the POW she gets another burst! Her mobility is limited so I really don't have to keep an eye on her constantly, thank goodness! I know what you mean about "wonderful, caring husbands". Mine is always "MIL sitting" so I can have a little breather. I can't be gone for any length of time and I do my grocery shopping at night when I tuck her in, but I want some "US" time. That we do not have anymore. It is to the point now, that we can't go anywhere together. Mom is to the point that she can't tell if her Depends is wet or not, so now I make bathroom trips with her and the wiping part has now fell on me after the bowel movements. And, making her wash her hands and use hand sanitizer, also. She takes 2 fluid pills and I have to make sure they get in her before noon or we pee, it seems like a hundred times, of an evening. She goes to bed early, usually, and she gets up every 15 to 30 minutes to pee. Her sleep pattern is messed up from her hospital stay, so I think she just lays awake and thinks she has to pee, but at least it isn't in the bed! I am NOT allowed out of her sight and now, when I tell her what I am doing or going to take a bath or going outside, she can't remember for any length of time or she will come on the hunt of me, if she is able. I needed to hit the hug button for you, but didn't realize that I hadn't until I had already typed all of this. But, you do need lots and lots of hugs for all you do. You are a good daughter! This place is great to vent, because everyone cares! My best to you!

Thanks Chloe for your kind words. You are still a young chicken yourself! My Mom also has congestive heart failure. I have a laptop on my nightstand with the volume on so I will not only see her in her bedroom, but hear her if she gets up. I do not know about the rest of you, but I always have some anxiety upon waking up whether it is in the middle of the night or in the early morn, that I am going to find my Mom had passed on during the night. There have been a couple of times that I have awoken to see her in the same position she had been in 5 hours prior and then of course I am seeing myself like Shirley Maclaine in Terms of Endearment wanting to go in and pinch her to see if she is alive or not just so I know if I can go back to sleep or not. So I zoom in with the cameras to "check" her breathing cause Lord knows, I do NOT want to wake her up before I have to! (smile) I do cut her back on fluids after 5 pm and it seems to have helped on her frequency of pee trips during the night. As I said, I feel like I am reliving the toddler years with my kids all over again. There are some really fun and cute moments with her. She seems to LOVE Marie Osmond on those Nutrisystem commercials. Heck, she gets off of the chair or couch and runs up to the TV to try and shake her hand. People are real to her now while watching. The other day Dances with Wolves was on, and she walked up to the TV and tapped Kevin Costner on the shoulder saying"Excuse me" but immediately followed with "Oh, I am sorry, you're in a conversation" due to him speaking to "Stands with a Fist" LOL. Then of course the wolf scene she was oohing and aahing trying to pet it. So sweet. I love those moments with her.

I have a similar situation. My Mom is a brittle diabetic and has dementia. My Dad passed away 4 years ago, and Mom couldn't live alone due to the diabetes so we moved her in with my husband and me. Then she developed dementia. I lost my job so I am able to stay home with Mom. Luckily she can check her sugar and does her own insulin injections, but she would not do them if I didn't get everything ready for her to take (as well as prescriptions). I was able to get respite help of 5 hours per week through our county's Office on Aging. The aide helps Mom with showering, etc., and I am able to go to the grocery, etc., during this time which is a help. My husband and I were finally able to get away for 2.5 days a couple months ago but we need more time away! We hadn't done anything like that in 3 or 4 years. A good book to read about dealing with situations if "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy L. Mace--you may find some good tips in there! Best of luck to you!

I am in the same boat. The sole caregiver for my Momma. She is 92, with high blood pressure, curvature of the spind from arthritus, her bones hurt bad sometimes. She is unable to walk since February 2nd her birthday. She is very weak. She has a good mind and is a blessing to me. We take one day at a time. I took a leave of absence to be with her. I am an only child and 66 yrs old. We can do this, GOD will work it out.

I totally agree and understand. I am taking care of my mother-in-law who is going to be 96 of July 4th. To help myself, I started taking Lumiday = natural mood stabilizer. AND IT REALLY HELPS ME! Also, I am going to decorate for her birthday. Maybe a special decoration in your place can lift you, too! I have purchased monitors that I have placed in different rooms so that I can hear her every move. It took me a while, but I finally am able to tell when she truly needs me or not. I do Pray a lot and get peace through knowing it is "my turn." God bless you during this trial you have and know there are others out there who understand.

I have a couple of siblings but I am the only care giver. I understand what you mean about going crazy and you really do need to find someone to give her those injections just so you can get out into "real life" again even if it is for a couple hours. I go to see a therapist which helps greatly and my daughter and I try to leave the house on the weekend to go to a movie or lunch or swap meet, really anything that gets us out of the house. During those times my older sister is in charge of Mom.

Sometimes when it gets to be too much I retreat to my bedroom or watch a movie but that is still not a real substitute for leaving the house. Perhaps you could find a therapist that makes house calls. There are free ones through the City of Los Angeles and I am sure other cities as well. Having someone to speak to and vent, is priceless!

I have Hospice come in Mondays and Thursdays - no they are not JUST for the dying - they give my 95 yr old mother-in-law baths, check her vitals, sometimes change her sheets and take care of nail grooming issues. They are priceless!!! I find that just having them over and talking with them, you find you actually have adult conversations with them and sometimes those conversations are on "normal" things! They also send out a nurse twice a week to check on her and check her medications - SOME of the meds THEY provide and there is NO cost to us. They deliver the meds to your house, too, the same day or the next day! I can't tell you enough how wonderful this program is!

While they do the bath thing, I may sit and read some or just lay down and shut my eyes! Or I may go outside and weed which is very therapeutic for me!

If you live in a house and can afford to get a bird feeder that holds bricks of seeds, that is a lovely way for you both to sit and possible talk about the lovely birds. Those birds can be quite entertaining!

Anyway, if I think of anything else, I will write. God bless you and yours!

I am so sorry for your story. Like you, I have my mother at my house. I still work and the stress of all of it is about to do me in. I finally came to the reality that at this rate she will out live me. I finally made the decision to move her somewhere else. Fortunately I have other siblings that want to help. She however, does not want to go anywhere but my house. It is horrible. Is still in the Moderate stages and has good days. The problem is now everything is a fight because she doesn't want to go. the guilt is overwhelming but its what is best for both of us. she is not safe alone and I can't do 24/7 care for her. I know that your mother would say to you if she could, take care of yourself too. I promised my mother a long time ago I would never put her in a nursing home. The reality now is that she just may end up there.

It is not easy to see a love one that was smart and active become with Denentia. He took care of his family for years. Now it is our turn to take care of him with our love and kindness. No one said it would be easy. I let him sleep if that is what he wants to do. and it gives me a brake. i agree GOD is always with us to help us get through things. I will be losed when he is gone. He is my husband

My mother is 86 and has dementia. I feel the same as you although I am only 53. Also have a husband 70 which had a brain injury 23 years ago. I work from Mon to Sat and have a carer for my mother during the day but do not look forward to weekends. Glad to be at work on Mondays again. Also feels guilty but sometimes it just too much. Hugs

First, get rid of the reverse mortgage if you can. That is the biggest scam for seniors as far as I am concerned. I dumped my mom's house while she still had a bit of equity. I also have a sister that won't help me at all, not financially or physically, I am expected to do it all plus work full time. Hang in there, at least you were able to get your mom on Medicaid. I wish I could, but they say she doesn't qualify. I am constantly worried about what will happen when she is no longer mobile.

Hi,
I have been living at my Moms house with my husband I take care of my mom she has Dementia for 4 years now. I go crazy sometimes too. She doesn't sit down some days . She tries to help with things but, she doesn't know what she is doing. I have to rewash dishes. can't get her to bath. I feel like my life is at a stand still too. I am 50 my children live in my house with out me.They are all adults 20's. I understand the feeling you are having I have cried too. What helps me is watching comic shows and laughing. good luck and please hang in there Linda

embrace " crazy " its ok in diverse circumstances. eventually you will feel empathy for those who cant stake the same claim. losers !!

Daycare has been a blessing for my Alzheimers mom. I only have 3 days approved for 5 hours. Also a lady comes on Sunday for 3 hours. We uses these hours for our church service. I'm so grateful to those associations like Senior Friendship and Senior Choice. They are a wonderful help. May the Lord bless them for their good hearts. There are lots of help for caregivers and loves one.

Nancy59: I just spoke to my therapist today about this very issue of daycare. Did you have difficulty in getting your Mom to go? My Mom has moderate dementia and we are just getting started with medication to control some outburst issues. I honestly think my Mom would have a good time in a day care where she could be busy or visit with some friends. She however does not leave the house, she never goes anywhere unless it is to the doctor's office or the cemetery to put flowers on her family's graves. Does anyone have advice on how I can approach or get my Mom to agree to go? I don't want to drag her out of the house every day but I really need a break and would like to even get a part time job just to do something different for a while. Are these facilities quite expensive?

My mother is the same, she doesn't want to leave the house. I approached her that it was doctor's order. I told her that doctor said it was very important to have social skills and make friends for a healthy mind. Besides the medication, was her social activities. It was part of the treatment. I learned the hard way not to let her know we are leaving for the daycare, she will never agree to go. Is like a child, as soon as she join the group, she has a great time. Of course with me is a different story. Those facilities are expensive, but you may apply with seniors associations or medicaid. Your mother need it, but you more than her. If I don't have this break, I would be in a mental institution.
Wish you luck with your search, please keep us posted. May the good Lord bless you!!!

This is not really a question....I guess I just need to vent a bit. My mother is 89 with demintia. My Dad and I are her primary caregivers. He`s 89 also, and i`m a man of 58. I live 2 hours away from my parents, but make the drive down every month and stay 2 weeks at a time just to give dad a rest. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. What bothers me most is that I have a younger sister that lives 10 mins away from them that cant really be bothered because her life is already "too busy." Starting this week...I will be staying with mom and dad for 3 weeks out of the month and it may go permanent in the near future. The real comfort I take is the fact that I have a very supportive wife. She tells me that this is what I need to do and that she is proud of me for it. She tells me that for now, she dont mind a long distance marriage, and that she will still come and spend weekends with me at moms house. I`ve felt very overwhelmed at times and was put on anti-anxiety meds. I really have no regrets....Mom was a wonderful mother to me all of my life and now it`s time to give back to her...I just wish that my sister would get a bit more involved instead of telling me that she has yard work to do!!!! Thank you all for reading my "Vent."

One of friend also have the same issue, but he find a place Luvida Memory Care where he admits her mother. They provide respite care services and nurses are available 24 hours and 7 days a week.