How to keep from going crazy while caring for your mother & not having a life?

All part of caregiving! Hang in there!

First steps would be looking for a Private Duty Caregiver that can give insulin shots, monitor glucose levels, blood pressure, diet, etc., - Caregivers through agencies are limited per policies.

You can place a caregiver Ad with specifics on care needs and hours on Craigslist or Care.com, and make sure to check backgrounds, etc.

If you can schedule coverage for when you are off from work to get time to rest yourself, that would help you have time for yourself as you need to care for you too!

Let us know how it goes! Live-in care givers are the best to have, I have found as you do not have to worry about them showing up to work on time, getting back home on time for them to go home, etc. Just start time when they come in for shift, and when they are going home for day or two off, some like to live-in 24/7.

I can relate, I am taking care of my 82 year old husband. He has dementia. I started to paint again, watercolors mostly and that relaxes me! Also try to get out once in a while, get someone to sit for a few hours, it does wonders for you!

There are lots of stressed out caregivers out there, so take solice. It's because we want to do the best job we can that we can sometimes feel so overwhelmed. It is an extremely draining experience. I am a single mom, by choice, with two young boys and my mom is 94. As each year goes on she requires more one on one care. My boys can be extremely helpful. They are just old enough that I can leave them alone with my mom for a short period while I run to the local grocery store or take a nap. What I have also found helpful is that I got my mom Lifeline pendant. The kind that automatically registers a fall even if she doesn't remember or can't push the button. Although death is not imminent she is in hospice. Someone comes daily to bathe her, change her pajamas and sheets. A nurse also comes twice a week. It takes quite a burden off my shoulders. I highly recommend you talk with your mom's doctor about contact hospice and see if they can offer you some support. I have been off for the summer and have been able to spend much of my time at home. I go back to work soon and am becoming very anxious about leaving her so long by herself. But as you mention we can do anything with Christ who gives us strength. God Bless!!!

Thank you all for the encouragement. Tonight is Rough....I'm just OVERRRRR doing this. Just like alot of other people I feel trapped in this lifestyle of caregiving. .....sigh......... so this weekend & from now forward I'm on the hunt looking for the respite worker that can give shots. You have to be so careful and have to try & feel people out. I hope it will be referral from a friend. The agency I'm using for the M-F care - the case worker says MEdicaid doesnt cover skilled respite for insluin shots. I find that hard to beleive so I am going to push the Case Mngr nurse to apply for it anyway.... ugh I am so TIIIIRED of this. I can't go anywhere....plus I have my mom's dog too. .. it's a small toy poodle - 6lbs- but still ...when I;m in the car they BOTH are always in there....arrrrghhhh I am going nutzzz..... I go to Walmart at like 7am on Saturdays while my mom is asleep just so I can go somewhere by myself!!! ...........sorry....just had to Vent!!! I am going to work hard on getting the skilled respite run through & also to see about finding a private hire to stay on a weekend. Also I have an appt for Adult Day Care... She can go there on Saturdays...but I think she has to go a min of 2 days a week. I hope that is not accurate. She should be able to go 1 day a week.,,as long as Medicaid is paying what difference should it make????... twirll twirll twirlll... can I please get out of the Matrix???...lolllll

Mom is 98 and we just got home from the hospital today. The hospital thing is too long a story for here, but I understand about getting a life. I have some great friends - so great that they told her to come with me anytime we (my friends and I) go out. Mom, who is cognitively quite well, accepted these invitations and therefore, when I go see my friends, more often than not, Mom is in tow. I hate that because I want a life of my own. It sounds selfish, but I can't be defining myself solely as caretaker. I just can't and I feel frustrated and angry and then guilty because I truly love and respect and admire her. Oyoyoy - I'm done in.

I feel guilty too. My birthday was last week and some friends came up & we all went out - they didnt mind Mama being with us. She had a good time - I was glad that she enjoyed herself but I want to be able to go out with friends on my own. It's a catch 22 situation...... Well today Mom and I are going out shopping and for lunch..... I'm giving myself the month of August to improve my situation all around...all the things I complain about I'm going to try & resolve.....respite, applying for skilled respite etc..

First off, this is the best forum! It has so helped me to deal with resentment for the situation I have found myself in. I am 70 yrs old, recentIy widowed and am a 24/7 caregiver for my 93 yr old Mom. She had been quite sick and a 3 month recuperation turned into 3 yrs. I have been frustrated, mad, irritated, depressed and much more. I recently found this forum and have found HELP!! I also realize now to look for what is good. What I took for thinking my mother was still trying to "improve" me, (I was the non conforming child) I now know it is her only way to show appreciation (it's all how you look at it). Instead of resenting my brother (45 min away) and my sis (17 hrs away), for still having their lives be normal, I now see how hard they try to do what they do. Money is not an object, they will do anything they can do to help. We are looking into someone coming in for another day off for me. My brother comes 1 day a week and I have an entire day off, which is glorious!! My sis comes at least 3 times a year and stays for at least 10 days. I can do whatever I want. No, it's still not the best situation. It's still 2 strong willed women (1 being unable to do much of anything for herself) trying to cope in the real world. Her biggest problem is keeping her opinions of my children and grandchildren to herself! We struggle with that one! In the near future, we are taking to the road with the RV. She is excited about that. My thought, why sit here and resent her because I can't travel so just go and see how it works out!
So hang in there it isn't what we expected our lives to be, but with a little help we will all get through it. My prayers are with all of you, for each other and for our aging love ones.

Connie, I so agree with you - it's all based on perspective. I have 7 siblings. For Years, I resented that it was only me and dad caring for mom (Alz). Just this late May, I found this site. Good thing, too. Because with the burden/stress of now caring for bedridden dad (stroke last year), I had mistakenly, foolishly thought that my siblings will help now that I have 2 bedriddens to care for. Nope!

June 1st, I had literally given up asking, begging, threatening fam for help...even alerting them of the finalized details of my suicide plan. I had given up and even set up the date for Friday. But, there was also a part of me that did Not want to die. So, I remembered this site, got on it and posted for Help.

I will say that between commentors here and my one-time therapy, that I had to accept some very hard advice. You hit it on the nail - all based on Your Perspective.

1. My family does not care for me. Therefore, I need to care for me. (therapist)
2. My siblings have the Right Not to Care for parents. (Hard to swallow at the time)
3. To avoid the constant stress/depression of fam Not Helping, I need to separate
myself from siblings. Very difficult to do but it does really work!
4. We - you and I - Chose to Care for our parents. If we did not, we wouldn't be
here.
5. Times like this, only Other Caregivers can appreciate and understand our
stress. And can give us Excellent Advice.

How we respond to the advice is how we will handle the stress of caring for parents. It won't lessen the load, but it will help us with US. I need to be really careful of the "me". Because I'm still suicidal, I need to keep alert to the pressures. I just recently had a bit of depression and one regular commentor on this site noted my "lack" of comments. It was she who alerted me that I was again going down the "depression" path. I had even posted on my thought of the day: Life Sucks!. You would have think that would have alerted me that I was going downhill.

So, I'm just saying, it's very important to re-adjust your perspective - daily! You all take care! (Connie, go for it - with the RV trip!)

I am caring for my 82 year old mother with dementia. She never lets me out of her sight and the only time I have by myself is a shower or when she takes an hour nap. I have to sleep with her every night because she says she is scared. I get to go in my bed with my husband on sat and sun from 6am to about 9am. It seems like my life is on hold. Its really hard to keep her happy all day. It really helps to know that Im not alone in this caregiving thing. I try to enjoy everyday as best I can.

Sujean, my mil is similar to your mom n she is 80 with Alzheimer's. I cannot go to the bathroom no more than 15 minuets or she is wandering around hunting me down. She feels comforable around you n you r her security blanket. However, my mil is able to sleep in the room we fixed for her n we put night lights in hallway n leave on the bathroom light on at night so she can see her way around n not be so scared. Not sure if you done that if it would help. She also has an adjustable light in her room too n r room is right down a short hall too. Can u find out what is scarying her so that she will feel comfortable to sleep by herself or is she in the late stage of dementia n that is why she scared? Maybe someone else can help you with some suggestion as well.

Lildeb, When my mom visited and stayed with me before the dementia she slept in this room by herself. We do have night lights in room and hallway. She sometimes wakes in the night and wonders what some shadows are. I had to remove the rocking chair because she could see things in them. Also I had a fan ceiling light and she could see people in it so I removed it and put another light. She wouldn't dress in her room because the people could see her. She was abused somewhat before I rescued her and very insecure. She is getting stronger month by month. We watch tv in bed and I use my laptop, she falls asleep and I just chill until I can fall asleep. Just hard to get any personal time. Thanks for your reply.

Sujean, you are too sweet n I can see from reading your post that you are trying to let her feel as comfortable as can be n in the process you know you are giving up some personal time. Small steps at a time n maybe she will eventually be able to sleep by herself. Removing the items that were causing her to see things or people that were not really there was a great idea. I will have to remember that one in case I ever need to fall back on it for my mil. I try to make her feel comfortable n at home as well. I put a lot of her photo albums n her stuff on her walls n let her hang stuff around in her room. It use to be my computer room so now i just use my laptop unless i need the room to make copies from my ole computer. Maybe it won't take too many times n she be sleeping on her own that way you will have more time to spen with your hubby.

lildeb, When she arrived at my house she was not in a very good condition. She was only 97 pounds and now I got her to 120 pounds. She is great condition now, so I have begun to make a little more time for me. Last night we went up to our room and watched tv at 8pm. At 10pm she usually turns over and goes to sleep while watch tv. I told her at 10pm I was going to start to go downstairs for 2 hours until midnight and then I would be back. Well, at 11pm I was the one who needed to check in on her. She said she was fine. I kept the light on the end table so she felt safe. It felt good to have time with family and give her some independence as well. I finally went for my physical today and the doc said exercise. Oh boy, I didn't want to hear that. Also drink more water instead of diet coke, now that is taking away my only devise. For now the diet coke is my friend. Got a laugh at life because it is what it is. Take Care of Yourself.

Take it from me, do whatever it takes to give yourself the respite time you feel you need. Although I tried to find find help, the pressure got so overwhelming for me and now I'm trying with everything I've got to regain myself and its by far not easy.

When you hit the point its even harder to find help or people that care. I even tried making a post on this site to see if anyone has been through what I'm going through but only 3 people cared enough to reply. (and I thank them so VERY much for their replies!)

My point is, please do whatever you can to make things easier for yourself. I dont wish whats happened to me on anyone.

Jasmine, if other people are like me, they did care enough but had just not been through the same thing.Twelve years is a long time! I looked again at what you wrote, but still couldn't think of anything useful to say. But we do care. We're just in different stages of burnout.

Thank you JessieBelle. I'm sorry if I hurt any ones feelings That was truly not my intent. I just feel like an absolute lone ranger right now and dont know which way to turn.

I just dont want anyone else to ever go through what I'm going through and when she said that she feels like shes loosing her mind I recall that feeling and wanted to fully encourage her to reach out on all levels to get the help that she needs.

Jasmine, I am so thankful to just be able to talk out my feelings and know that many understand what I am going through. This is just so great that there is a place to chat and be able to help each other. Back in the day when they said there would be a computer in every home, I said that will never happen. So with the computers come the ability to reach out like never before. I look forward to reading the posts.

Hi Rio:
I am an only child and have been caring for my mom for a year or so. She has Alzheimers and vascular dementia. Every day is a challenge for me.
I live through the internet and do a lot of gardening. I also have hummingbird feeders. You would be surprised at how much time you can spend just watching different aspects of nature. I am able to spend a lot of time entertaining myself being an only child. My husband is a jewel and makes dinner every day. Mom has good and bad days. With time you will be OK!
Hugs to you. Now we know what life was like in the old days! Tonio999

Jasmine, it's hard to respond to your discussion. I THINK I had a burnout in early June. Would becoming suicidal, and setting the date- be considered burn out? All I know is that I have been helping my dad caregive mom for 23 years (when I was age 23.) Then last year, he had a stroke and is now bedridden. Just this past June 1st, it hit me that I'm living in a prison, started crying in the restroom, and decided that I will kill myself on Friday. I will just need to make the necessary arrangements. But, a part of me didn't want to die, so I came to this site (which was a blessing since I only found it 3 days prior) and posted for help. I got very good advice and am hanging in there.

I have posted on several threads/discussions. I read your thread but since I'm still struggling to keep my head up in the water - I didn't think it applies to me. So, I didn't post. Sorry...about that...but sometimes, I try to not remember THAT day cuz it was one very scary time for me. Take care!!!

I am in a similar situation but I have help during the days while I go to work. however, I have found that the big problems and issue usually come up during the evenings. I have felt guilt, frustration, anger, resentment and then feelings of blessings that I have my mom here and am able to take care of her. You have the key, though... lean and trust in God. some days I know that's ALL I can count on. I am brand new to this website. sure I will be sharing more, but my heart goes out to all of you and I look forward to words of wisdom and encouragement :)

Sujean, I agree that at least their is a place on this site where we can see we r not alone. That we can Vent, Vent, Vent or just flap r jaws about r day. It nice to be able to connect to someone whether it's only one person or 20 for everyone. Like JessieBelle mention that, 'we r all at different stages of burnouts.'
Jasmine, You can also go to other areas on the AD site here to put up post where other people may view your post. Areas like, 'How was your day,' or 'caught mom using my toothbrush.' Just dropping a few lines in those areas can allow other people that may have gone through similar situation that can offer some advice or just a friendly chat. btw, welcome to the board if I have not already had the chance.
Toni999, sorry that your mom had both AD n vascular dementia. U r so right about the Mother nature stuff n how it can be entertaining. I only have one hummy this year but its better than none n I luv digging in the dirt too. You r so lucky your hubby cooks everyday, wow! Mine only knows how to make spam sandwiches n I cannot stand spam, yuck!

Bookworm, Your post on here sometimes helps us n we need you here as well as you need us so don't go do anything crazy. I have felt the same way n was plotting mine as well n then thought who world would take care of the mil? My hubby, yeah right! It can get to you sometimes n I do take a small dose of prozac for a few years. We r only human n can only do so much. That is why if anyone can get some sort of Respite care break or a few hrs break away makes a huge difference. Just seeing other people outside was awesome to me n now with this site is really great on days that I cannot get out because of the mil. I am so glad u r still on the site n didn't go through for how would we keep us all in check n look at u now, you r giving advice when u can n that is awesome. Hell, all us caregivers r all awesome n I think everyone needs to take a few minuets n pat themself on the back. For other people have no clue.

Haroldine, welcome to this site n it is a great place to chat, vent, n education. My time is in the evening time n I guess because I have dealt with stuff all day n it just builds up. I must had forgot to go outside n get in my car with the music loud n just scream to get it off my chest. it helps. Also for those who r new at this caregiving with someone with AD or Dementia their is a great book that I call it my second bible n someone from online here had mention it to me. It really help me to understand about the disease or at least sometimes for I am only human. ; )
It's called, "The 36-Hours," by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabin.
I reccomend it to anyone new to caregiving. You can get it at a bookstore or sometimes u can get it free from your local Alz.org if they have any left over.

How do I keep from going crazy? I have learned from here to buy headphone sets when the mil is whispering cussing moods. I have learned that everything don't have to be perfectly in place or in order for it will be their for me another day. : ) Hope these little tips out someone out n everyone can get a good night rest.

It has been a learning experience for me for the past 18 months taking care of my mother who is in failing mental and physical health. I know it will soon be her time.
The way I cope with all the problems is to do my best to be here and now. Because that is really all I can do. Anything else is just a story in my head.

I can handle here and now, I can't handle fears and what-ifs. Thank you.

ok my wife have denentia and i cant work all i do is wait on her sometime my brother come by we go fishing but i cant fish for keeping my eyes on her

I am the sole caregiver of my 87 year old mother and have been for 6 1/2 years with no assistance or family near. She is in excellent health other than some short term memory loss but has been acting out lately by running away from home when I do something she doesn't like and refusing to come back. I've taken her to several Dr's and she's been thoroughly checked out. Her doctor is adamant that she can stay alone but I worry that if she gets upset with something I say or do that she will run away from home again although she doesn't go far but she won't come back on her own. She is not lost. Running away was the way she coped with problems her entire life but now she's almost 87! I am currently working from home because of her behavior but I can't do it forever. Friends and family have consistently told me she's very angry but she doesn't show that anger to me and won't talk about anything with me. I wanted to take her to a Social Services counselor this week to talk about the things she is unhappy about so we can try and reconcile them but she ran away because she didn't want to go and I had to call the police. She hid in the woods and it took the police 20 minutes to get her out of the woods and into their car. Once she was home she acted like nothing ever happened and the fact that the police came was no big deal. I would like to put her in assisted living because I am burned out and tired of her behavior but she doesn't want to move even though she tells everyone behind my back how unhappy she is and that I am mean to her. I feel she is manipulating me and I am exhausted. I am 63 & working full time. I have done everything for her I can think of to do but I can't make her happy. I know that's up to her. Has anyone dealt with manipulative seniors? My next move is to seek counseling for myself.

Merrilou....yes the answer is YOUR COUNSELING.

In counseling they will maybe to teach you to see that you cannot change your mother, you can only change how you deal with her. It's the simplest, yet hardest thing to understand. Good luck to you.

Your Mom could get continuous glucose monitoring which would help you out when you can't be there. You can also look into adult day care where there are often registered nurses who can administer shots.

I am taking care of my 84 year old grandma. Both my father and my uncle are deceased. She has Parkinsons and some dementia. Although she has had 24 hour care at home for the past year, she fell and broke her hip recently and spent four weeks in a nursing home receiving daily physical therapy. They released her to come home and since that time, she has needed two caregivers to assist her getting out of bed and on and off the toilet. She also cannot seem to control her bowels right now. She always has someone with her and I am always the second person. With the exception of one evening throught the next afternoon, I haven't had a break. I cannot be with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I have my own family and two grandchildren I don't get to spend much time with. Is it wrong of me to want to put her back in a nursing home for a few more months of therapy, or perhaps even permanently?

verytired, of course it is not wrong for you to be figuring out what is the best way for Grandma to have quality care and for you to have a life as well.

One option would be to have a second paid caregiver. Can she afford that?

Going back to skilled nursing care is also an option. When two people or even more are needed for a specific care task, they are available. You would be her advocate, see that she gets good care, visit her often, and cheer her up, but not have responsibility for lifting, transferring, or toileting her.

Maybe with more therapy she would be able to come home with a single caregiver. Stay open to that possibility. But Parkinson's and dementia are both progressive diseases, and you can expect them to get worse.

What his Grandma's attitude about being in her home vs being in skilled care?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! In the same boat! I do not want to look at my annual social security earnings review. It's 0 for last year. Will be turning 60 next year. How does one explain this to the young people around? They hate Boomer's the way it is!

Thank you jeannegibbs. My grandma would rather stay in her home but we cannot afford two paid caregivers for long. She complains about having to pay caregivers $10 per hour and says half of that is sufficient. Her caregiver prepares her meals, bathes her, helps her in and out of bed, takes her to the toilet, wipes her and cleans her, does laundry and cleans the house. At this point I am always there because it is now taking two people to help her in and out of bed and to the toilet. One person holds her because she wants to fall over and the other wipes and cleans her.