Caring for elderly parents is so similar to raising children. Don’t you agree?

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Caring for elderly parents is so similar to raising children. Don’t you agree?

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When raising my kids, I had a beautiful poster that had a lovely picture of Noah’s Ark in my home.

I love art, so I was attracted to the lovely image of the huge ark with all of the animals. I also love nature and was attracted to the beautiful depiction of the animals but what made me buy the poster was the message of the inscription on it which was, “We’re all in the same boat...So, let’s keep it afloat!” How true, right? I framed the poster and I loved it.

The message resonated with me deeply. I used it as a visual image to relay to my children that we were a team.

I raised my children to know that parents and children need to work together.

It’s also how I am desperately trying to make this current group of people who are caring for my elderly mom succeed as a team which consists of myself with doctors, nurses, rehab facilities, home health, social workers, family members, whoever is involved in caring for her as a team.

I am finally accepting that I simply cannot do everything alone for mom and relaying that to her as lovingly and best as I can.

Parents rely on us just as our children did and while it’s very similar in one way, it’s vastly different in other ways.

It takes awhile for some of us to catch onto this message. Many of you tried to explain this to me!

Sometimes we miss things due to being overwhelmed, afraid to feel we failed after trying so hard, maybe even some pride, whatever the case may be...who knows?

It’s trial and error. It’s individual and has to be tailored to our own needs. There isn’t always a simple solution to things. There are so many variables.

Kids and elderly parents are sometimes impatient, can be demanding, stressful and exhausting.

I sometimes feel that aging parents actually expect more than our young kids did. Seems like we are able to explain things more easily to children than aging parents. Some parents have extremely difficult challenges, special needs. Some caregivers have the same with ALZ.

We needed breaks from our kids which made us better parents in the long run in order to be refreshed and refueled. The same is true for caregivers of the elderly. One huge difference for me is that we ourselves are getting older and have our own concerns with health, finances, etc.

What are your thoughts on this? I’m curious to know how others feel. Where am I on point and where am I off base?

All answers are welcome, not just deep thinkers like me, be sarcastic if you wish. I have those days where I feel like I don’t give a rat’s a**! Be funny if you like, some things elderly people do make me crack up, even if it’s sad. Some caregivers are extremely funny. A sense of humor is important. Be sweet and melt my heart.

Answer any which way you like. In other words, just be yourself. Be sincere.

Also, how do others feel about outside support, professionals who care for the elderly? Do you feel it’s a calling for some?

Or do you feel it has become more of a ‘money making’ business? Let’s face it, aging care, just like child care for working parents has become a huge ‘profitable’ business for most. From what I have seen there aren’t near as many ‘non profit’ companies.

I know that I have tons of questions. Just chime in where you feel you would like to contribute to the discussion. Thanks!

Caregiver Support Family Caregiver

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My mom told me that she wants one of those mini computers (IPad, tablet) because everyone has one now at her AL. It reminded me of years ago when my stepson was a teenager trying to talk me in to buying him a cell phone, "But everyone has one" he sulked. I'll probably get her one. Have to get dad his own because he will want one if she has one. Lol.

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That’s funny! Do you think she will use it? Do you have one she could borrow to try out first?

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Stupid auto correct is crazy on my phone. One time my daughter called me after reading a text and asked if I had been drinking! LOL. She said, “Mom, you don’t really drink but are you drunk?” I can’t understand that text. It was crazy. I was driving and I dictated the message and when I read what it wrote I cracked up! No wonder my daughter thought that I must have been drunk. I never used that feature again. But even just typing my phone screws up.

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NeedHelp: Yes, that's why some people opt for Long Term Care policies, some have Medicare Supp, some are lucky enough to use private pay for facility housing or some just have to go on Medicaid.

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True.

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Thanks MayDay,

I have asked her to go to the nail salon for a pedicure. You’re right about the podiatrist, they do it too. My husband’s grandma used to go to the podiatrist for toenail trimming because she couldn’t do it herself anymore. This was years ago before the nail salons popped up all over the place!

Know own what I just thought of though? Some salons have had issues, bad issues with staph infections. That would be bad for an elderly person like my mom to deal with.

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When I go I tell them to leave the cuticles alone, don't cut them push them or wreck them.Now I have arthritis? or bumps around the cutilcles. MY daugter sees this, and tells me why she does her own....Now I have ridges on my nails... Another reason to go to a place that listens...Im in late 50's and yoga is my next step, I don't think I can it in a position long enough to do a half way decent job on my toes, let a long that I need glasses to read, who know I will probablly snip off half my toe!!

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Maybe if the child was Baby Hughie and his pet was Marmaduke.

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In raising my children I always knew they were progressing and the milestones would be positive - crawling to walking, new words, learning new things and so on. With my mother and mil I recognized the physical, mental and emotional milestones would go in reverse. They did and that was hard for me.

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This is so true!

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Ever try saying “Because I said so and that’s final!” to your parent?

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Oh that’s funny! Actually, I have had to tell mom that. Because just like a small child she will say, “Why?” I only say it when I reach the end of my rope.

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One time when my oldest child was a baby she was crying and crying. Being a new mom, I was concerned. She had been fed, diaper changed and so forth. I couldn’t figure it out because she was NOT a fussy baby. I took her to the pediatrician and he examined her closely. She had scratched her eye with her fingernail. He told me that the eye heals quickly and it did.

My mom does file her fingernails.

That isn’t an issue but her toenails is another story. She has developed this fungus thing that we treat and fights me to cut her toenails. I get afraid of ingrown nails. It’s those little things that I wish elderly parents would take more seriously and cooperate a little more with. I have to talk her into letting me do these things for her. She feels like she is a burden and I understand that. Hard to feel dependent on others and feel like they are bothering us.

I tried telling her to think of it as a ‘spa’ treatment. Didn’t work because she never did any pampering on herself like that. I wish she would go in for a pedicure sometimes but she won’t.

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go with mom to get a pedicure and an actual spa day. If she doesn't, the foot doctor, sorry, lost the medical word for foot doctor _ brains--

the foot doctor may give her a free toe clipping....

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Do all you can while they are Alive, They cared for you when you were a Child, Growing up and Now it is your Turn for Yes, Like us, A child once and now Again, My friend, They Are by Far....God Bless for Writing, Love you.

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Some do become as helpless as babies. It’s very sad. Hard for them and hard for us to watch. It does become exhausting for them and us. It takes a lot of effort for mom to do minor daily things. Heartbreaking.

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Llama,

I know, so expensive. I am scared of the expense too. Mom has been in my house since 2005.

That’s why I said it’s big money for the facility. Sad because sometimes there isn’t a choice. Look at what drugs would costs if a person did not have insurance! No one can afford to get sick!

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NeedHelp: Okay, but you did say "aging care," which I did provide for my mother and never took any money/pay. Yes, I agree -
facility care is going to eat up money rapidly!

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I am glad that you realize that you cannot do this alone! That is HUGE! You will fail every time if you don't get that needed respite. "A money making business?" Good grief - no- my mother lived in poverty wage all of her 94 years so no, I wouldn't take a penny from her for caregiving.

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Llama,

I didn’t mean a money making business for us the children caregivers. My mom doesn’t have money either. I’m speaking about facilities.

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gdaughter,

The greeting card comment is so funny! So many times I have picked up greeting cards and thought, oh my gosh, this sentiment doesn’t fit. Who writes those things? It can take awhile to find the right card for the appropriate situation.

If we on this forum put our heads together to write greeting cards applicable to our situation it would be very interesting, right?

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Yes. Mam has tea parties with invisible friends; chops up bananas and fruit to little pieces and drinks through straws - during. She has massive temper tantrums and gets angry when contradicted. She has no impulse control. What more can we say?

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Yep! Sort of like a second childhood in an odd sort of way.

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The only sense that raising kids and assisting parents has been the same to me is the 24/7/365 responsibility to know the child/parent is being taken care of. With the children while generally agreeable to anything reasonable, I was always the final decision maker. Most of the time with my parents, I was just the person who presented solutions to various issues/problems and had to talk someone into deciding to pick one and actually take an action. Even after I became my father's guardian and definitely made several decisions in his best interest he did not agree with, I continued to _attempt_ to negotiate with a broken brain for mutually agreeable options. Dealing with Dad was kinda like dealing with a teenager... someone who often had no clue and yet was absolutely sure you were always wrong!

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True!

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With children, you are moving to the goal of healthy, mature, contributing adults.

With older adults, you are supporting their health, independence, and dignity. It looks the same considering that you are using problem-solving techniques and relationship-building skills to achieve healthy lifestyles.

Good for you to realize that you are not a 24/7 nursing facility in 1 person. It takes burn out for many people to realize this truth. Just like it may take several trials to find the "right" babysitter for the kids, it may take several trials to find the right people for mom's and/or dad's support team.

You're on track, but beware that "adults" do not like to be compared to children as their independence and needs change. They are still "adults" even when they need more help.

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I know, I would never express these feelings to mom. Just a discussion with other caregivers on the forum.

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I would say not in the same league!
A child/teen, you can set healthy rules and boundaries, and you can give out reasonable discipline, Also, if cannot find one for free, if you have the money, you can get a babysitter.

Elderly can go against you because they are bigger, and they will use that. It is not to say it is right, because they should want to make it as less burdensome as possible for their caregiver, and understand the sacrifices their child or younger relative is making. They may be the elder adult, but they not understand that caregivers have higher say, like, an older employee with significantly younger boss. Just be grateful to not be in nursing home or assistant living if caregiver is not abusing you. Finding someone to give you a break to even go to the store is impossible for the average caregiver. You are fortunate if you can hire a sitter for elderly paying them! Hiring a sitter for youth is not nearly as difficult if you can pay them if no one will do it for free.
I cannot really put it in words, but I say, not in the same league, even if you feel similarities. However, kids get to a certain age where, unless special needs, can do more on their own, and you get some time for yourself when they are teens and wanting friends time, or can watch themselves as you nap. Caring for elderly is far more physical and draining than raising more than one youth. The 24/07 on call is far more than 24/07 on call raising youth, with the youth, at least at some point, you get a full night sleep unless they have a special need that might wake you or will wake you. Also, when the young one can do something independently, you can expect them to do so, but if an elderly can do something independently but refuses to, they will use age card or what have you to get out of it.
I hope I am making sense, and not talking in circles!
Bless those who are reading this!

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Perfect sense to me!

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Honestly, I do not agree.

Yes, there are similarities in the work and strategizing but caring for an elder is sooooooooo much more complicated.

They have driver's licenses.

They have cars.

They have check books.

They have credit cards.

They can use the phone--often.

They have legal rights as adults.

They can call lawyers and say they they need representation. (OMG! That almost happened to me when my mother was looney.)

They can completely misunderstand situations but sound perfectly rational when talking to: the police, the area agency on aging, the Elder Day Care, ahem, a lawyer....

In our case, I saw the handwriting on the wall and I went to the police first and told them that my mother, who insisted that I drive her car, would probably call and say that I had stolen her car. She did that very thing about three months later. But they had all the information on their little hand-held computer. All was well. If I had not told them in advance????? Then what?

Bottom line: Caring for ANYONE is a big deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big responsibility! No matter the age!

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Oh so true. Some people choose not to have kids because of the responsibility. I get that. Some feel the responsibility of caregiving to the elderly is just too much as well.

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Need help with mom; I agree Love the comment We are all in the same boat I love the teamwork idea I always said to my kids THERE IS NO I IN TEAM ,MANY HANDS MAKE LIGHT WORK ! I never heard the Noah's Ark saying that's the best ! Yes Yes yes we do need a break you said it best !!As for home health care whew the physical therapist is only here 15 min and a physical therapist assistant 30 minutes for the amount of money they charge !! And some the nurses that have come to see my mom !! How do they pass the exam to be a Nurse? Some times they do not even have a blood pressure cuff ! We have 1 nurse more interested in our lives and animals than my mothers health asks the same questions over and over and over again we decided to stop the home health for my mom because we felt like they charge WAY TOO MUCH TO HER INSURANCE for the amount and quality of care! And Hospice they keep sending new people just when 1 gets used to us and auntie they are switching it up again.... I'm grateful to all healthcare workers its a hard job !

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Yep, home health is full of details. Going through is for the fourth time now with my mom. They want mom to weigh everyday just to record on her paperwork. That is nuts to me because she has to weigh on a hard surface, tile floor, let go off her walker with balance issues and risk another fall. That’s just ridiculous.

I said no, they can weigh her when they come if they want because they are better qualified at handling the falls due to being medical professionals. We have enough bills for ambulance rides to the hospital from a fall, but most importantly I don’t want mom to become seriously injured from a fall due to her trying to balance on a home scale! Doesn’t make any sense to me. Her weight stays relatively the same anyway. She’s tiny.

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Yes, I feel the same way, and I was a step-parent to a 5 year old when I married and became an instant "mother" with NO support from my husband who thought just because I wasn't a REAL mother, that I didn't know a thing about raising a child. Well, a lot of what I predicted came true. I do the best that I can with taking care of my mother and rely on what I learned in school and through my work years to help me do what I can for her. However, there are a lot of similarities that I only sort of came in contact with when I was a babysitter to little ones under the age of 5 years old so that I can, in some way, relate to what it was like to deal with an infant. I didn't "have" the child, but even adoptive parents or foster parents get a better rap than step-parents do even when the step-parent is full-time, hands on. There were a few people who told me that since I was there full-time I WAS his mother, but they were few and far between in understanding. I just tell my mother that no one else in the family has stepped forward to help her, and that I am all that she has whether she likes what I do/say or not, and that she has to deal with me just like I have to deal with her. The little spats tend to go away after a day or two, so we survive.

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Debbie,

That’s just sad. That had to be hard on you. We all have unique circumstances.

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For the humorous side:

Although my mom is in a care facility, I've occasionally had to help her with toiletting, ie. when she is at a doctor's appointment. One day she mentioned how she hated that she was having me have to help her with this. I simply replied, mother I'm sure there were a hundred more time when you helped ME with this when I was little. We had a good laugh.

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Yep!

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People who think that caring for an elder is the same as caring for a child must either never have raised a child or had a parent they've needed to step up for.

My 5 kids all GREW UP AND LEFT HOME. Married, educated, intelligent and thoughtful people. I have 14 gorgeous grands whom I take care of as much as I want to--I have been a huge part of their growing years (7 are still quite young) and I also have been hands on with 3 aging parents. There is no real way to compare.

I had energy in my 20's and 30's---now in my 60's I have much less. I can still do what needs doing, but taking one of the "families" for a few days alone is daunting. Trying to help out care for my FIL, dad and now my mother---it's apples and oranges. For one thing, as mouthy as my kids could be--I was still mom and firmly in charge. And when I am with the grands, I am Nonny and still firmly in charge. With my mother---forget it. She's often angry and petulant and VERY manipulative. And while my kiddoes were essentially 'raised' and smart enough to make decisions and be trusted by the age of 8 or so, I've been dealing with mother for 63 long years. Sometimes OK and even fun, but I am tired of her, and she's sick of me.

I imagine it's different for everyone. You really cannot control to a great extent, how gracefully you age, but you can try to not be a PITA for your kids.

Personally? My experiences have been 100% that caring for a aging elder is not even in the same ballpark as caring for a child.

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Yeah, but just referring to the similarities of both kids and parents being dependent on us. A lot is vastly different.

I do feel like mom is helpless like a baby at times.

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When is the last time you had a hot meal or a hot cup of coffee? Mine always gets cold before I can eat it! Sometimes, I end up up ditching my meal and not bothering with reheating or eating it because I lose my appetite. Right?

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Hi Need help with Mom,
I ssoo understand about cold coffee and warmed over meals...until recently. Had to make some changes.
Of late I have not started my 81 year old Mothers wake up and routine until I take a little time for me.
I was putting every bit of my effort into 110% care.
Warn out and almost weary with it all...I just said that if this is going to work I would have to find a balance. Started with a schedule change.
Coffee...then wake Mom up...
Moms feedings 9am...1pm...snack 3pm...supper 6pm. Scheduled my meals 30 minutes before hers except supper which I try to never miss with my husband.
For almost 7 years I have pretty much put Mom first...but after reflecting on how it has effected me and my relationship with my
husband I knew I would have to
tweek schedules and review new ways to give quality care and keep a balance at 61 years old.
So far so good and Mom is still getting 100% good care...and I get to keep my hair.
Just had to take that first step away from feeling GUILTY, revamp schedules and keep telling myself that if I don't take care of myself...who will I be able to care for? Nadda no one.
Of course there are times where Mom has to come first in some occassional circumstances but that is to be expected. It's a given.
But where I can control my time I do now.
And what a huge change in my life as a caregiver it has made.
I pray you are in a situation where you can put yourself first when you can for your own wellbeing friend.
Take care!

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Even though I agree with much of what you say, I don't agree that caring for our parents is like caring for a child. When we raise children, we are preparing them for a future without us. There is optimism and hope while performing the sometime exhausting tasks of being parents. Everything we do is to help them be better adults, but right now they are merely children and still in need of being told what is right and wrong. It is not that way with our parents. They have lived their lives as adults, most of those lives were lived fully and quite wonderfully, and they are still adults. For many of us, it is our job now to help our parents face the end of their lives with dignity. I know it's hard to do that. When I'm cleaning the toilet of my my mom's latest accident I am brought to mind of when I did that for my children as toddlers...but my mother is not a toddler. She is a fully sentient adult who would be embarrassed if I said, "mom, can you sit on the toilet all the way" like I would have to my children. The fact is, there are more caretakers in this situation than ever because the boomers are living longer and there's more people with dementia. Our children are watching us care for our aging parents, and how we model that will be how our kids will care for us if that time comes. Do we want the children we raised to treat us like little children, or perceive us that way? If the answer is "no", and it will be for most of us, then we have to stop looking at our aging parents that way, now.

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That’s the hardest part. We know it’s always going to be a decline from here on out.

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I disagree in part. Although caring for children and elders can be equally exhausting and overwhelming, and cause us to want to run for the hills, in my opinion they should not be treated equally. When our children are young, we can "make" them do or not do certain things. We can make our children take their medicine or go to bed at a certain time. Our parents we cannot. We must remember our parents are adults and have the right to make what we think are bad decisions. What are we going to do---ground them or take away their electronics? Don't get me wrong, I will do everything in my power to keep mom from stepping in front of an oncoming car, but if mom wants to eat hot pockets for every meal, or wear wear mismatched clothes, so what? We must pick our battles and afford elders as much control over their lives as possible.

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You make very valid points! Yep, it is a bigger challenge in many ways.

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Caring for an elderly parent is similar because our parents often behave like children. In my father's case he behaves like a spoiled child at that. A month ago he angrily banged on the table when he thought he was not going to get any more soda. When it comes to food especially, he is demanding and then does not eat any of it. In fact when it comes to most things he wants it RIGHT NOW and will yell and scream until he gets his way.

I am a single mother of 3 girls and he is far more challenging than they ever were. They try to please me whereas he tries everything in his power to prove my lack of worth and to show that he is still "in charge". With children you can re direct or talk to them. There is no reasoning with him or talking to him even though he is extremely spoiled.

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Too much,

I have those issues with mom too. Almost like a one upping deal. Hard for them and hard for us.

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I led my kids into life and my mother into death. The "caring" part was the same, though.

Aging care in Mom's last SNF impressed me with their attention to her needs. She was always practical and settled in really well. Not once did I hear "when can I come home?" after her first admission into the hospital concluded.

With Spouse, and leaving out emotional issues, the physical issues of handling a 235 pound person are far different than wrestling with a noncompliant child of 40 pounds. I can't do it.

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Pronker,

It’s tough. Very tough! I brought flowers and restaurant gift cards to hospice staff after my brother died to show my gratitude to them.

Hardest jobs ever, no matter who does it, if its home care or facility.

Mom was just in SNF for rehab and they are short staffed and many work double shifts. I couldn’t do it. They care for many different people with all kinds of issues. Whew! Very demanding!

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The same can be said about a spouse. I didn't have children for a reason and now I have a husband (with Parkinson's, dementia related to Parkinson's and clinically blind) that is as dependent on me as any baby / child. The good news - with most children - they are light weight - they get older and grow up - out of whatever stage they are in. With an adult, we only know it will decline and get worse for both the patient and care partner.

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i completely agree with your answer

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I loved reading what you had to say. To get off the subject for a moment have you ever tried writing a book? I think you have the skill. Are you a female or male?

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Hahaha, it would be too long! Too much crap in my life. but thanks.

I am a 63 year old southern lady from New Orleans. Married over 40 years to a great guy, two grown daughters, caregiver to mom with Parkinson’s.

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I agree. The roles switch. I care for my 68 year old mom who is critically ill now but I have been caring for her for last ten years. Really hands on, for last two. They depend on us and its like the responsibility role switches place. But also, as they age and especially with sickness they become child-like. Mostly they just want and need attention. To feel loved. As the adult child its so difficult to watch all the changes and deterioration in our aging parents. Nothing more gut-wrenching. My mom use to go!! She did everything and I can't imagine how hard it must be for them to lose their vision, hearing, mobility, etc. So I agree that the role does switch and they do become more child-like. But, we all know in the grand scheme of things, they let us know who is who!!

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Justme,

I agree. It’s the hardest part, watching them suffer, you said it so well...gut wrenching! Best wishes to you. Hugs!

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Caring for elderly parents is so similar to raising children. Don’t you agree?

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