Caring for diabetic double amputee parent. Has anyone done this?

Thank you for the update, hopefully she heals well. I can only imagine how mentally difficult the coming months will be for her, not only losing her legs but her independence. A positive attitude will go a long way, not just for her but for all of you. Good luck.

In my opinion, look at your children. Tweens and young teens are at risk for self-image issues. They need as much as you can give them. I know you want to do the right thing for your MIL, but if I had three young-ish children, I would want to be available to them as much as they need, especially since so much of the country is still not "back to normal"; so they may have much more limited interactions with children of their own ages. You can still get them very involved in caring for and loving grandma. Visits, cards, playing games if she likes games, etc. But they don't need to be face-to-face with possibly gangrenous legs. (My own mother had leg ulcers from when I was four years old, and they were horrible. She had a lot of health problems. As a child, it was frightening and guilt-inducing -- I wanted to be able to help, fix it! -- to see someone you love with honestly horrible problems and be unable to deal with it. If they love her and are wired like that, it could be very hard on them.

Imho, you are not equipped to take on the level of care that your MIL will require.

His needs qualify him for a skilled nursing facilty. Talk with a adminstrator and He or She will give you info you need.
She must be strong and have a healthy mind. After surgery she will get some rehab in a facility or home. The rehab person will train you if you decide she is to remain at home. Do not involve the children in any routine care. They can bring what she needs once in a while. Children may develop a "caregiver mentality",,,but not now. If you do not have a caregiver mentality you will tire of "doing chores". That is o.k. and it is a need for someone to come in and help. Always maintain the healthy relationship you had before the disability.

I have a friend whose Dh started out with diabetes, which he refused to deal with and within 3 years he was a double amputee, wheelchair bound and had taken over the living room & dining room with all the medical supplies he had to have to function--including 2 kinds of 'lifts' as he was over 300 lbs and his wife couldn't move him.

So, in their living room was his bed, the lift OVER the bed, bedpans and urinals on full display, a bedside commmode for '#2's" and basins and such for all his washing needs.

He still has a level of gangrene and he is constantly in and out of hospitals, losing a little more of his legs each time.

Not to be gross, but the smell is so awful--his wife comes to church and you can smell HER b/c he smells so awful. She simply cannot keep the smells at bay.

He routinely fires aides, (he's a nasty guy, at best) and leaves his wife in the lurch, scarambling to find help.

I do not know WHY she has kept him home all these years trying to make his life what he wants---guilt? love? (if that's it, sure isn't apparent) kids want him home? IDK. He's in his late 70's.

He would receive MUCH better care at a VA home, which he qualifies for. Moving him to go to a dr's appt is an all day affair as they live in a split entry home (like ours!!) and naviagting those stairs is really, really hard.

I don't mean to be rude or judgy--but this guy is likely to live for many more years, he seems like the kind who would live to be 90, despite awful health. I feel so sorry for his wife--who really carries 99% of the burden. She's completely burned out and my heart breaks for her.

I would think this is a very long process of healing and care. Also, at 72 they would need all around care. My personal opinion but I can't see this person taking care of themselves at all. It will be very difficult for you and your family. I do know of a family member in this situation and the elder did not move from their chair all day but they had maids and caregivers. You will need help with care.

I haven't done this before but it sounds like you have it all under control and your mom is luck to have you.
I would think it would be like a bedridden loved one that won't be able to get out of bed without help but she should be able to dress herself and do everything else she did before having her feet amputated.

I would also have cameras installed in the home so you can watch her 24 7 while you are away.
The main thing about Caregiving is to have help so as not to get burnt out.

Prayers

It really depends on how well her surgical wounds heal and how mobile she is now. If she heals well, she should stay in rehab until she can navigate with prosthetics or a wheelchair. If she can't handle prosthetics, she may need you to do a lot of lifting: from bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to toilet, wheelchair to car... Lift devices help.

❤️🙏🏽 I cared for my husband who was a long-time diabetic. He went through a kidney transplant and later both legs amputated below the knee. (One one year and the other the following year or so). He was VERY independent and driven to do all on his own. Our house was 200+ years old...NOT very ADA compliant! I worked full time but kids were grown and out of the house. Eventually he did well with his prosthetics and even was able to drive again using hand controls. BUT...he was in his late forties/early fifties (??). (he has since passed....I’m now a caregiver for my elderly parents).

Good advice in previous posts. I would also consider her temperament and how she would adapt to living with an active family. My parents had difficult adapting to me coming to live with them—and I am 63! (I am actually moving out tomorrow!). As good/noble it may seem...offering to take her in....it will be much more than you bargained for.

Do seek outside help on assessing your home and advice like the nurse above gave. Before each amputation, they tried saving the foot using wound vac and oxygen chamber therapies. Our dining room was turned into a hospital room. The process took over our lives...it isn’t like recovering from a routine surgery.

Best wishes as you decide.

What is her current living situation? Are there other oprions besides living with you? If only one leg is taken now, the other one is probably so marginal it is only a matter of time. Her current personality and willingness to care for her self is a huge factor. If she has been a non compliant diabetic to this point, she may continue to be. Her dietary needs are going to be an issue. Amputee care is ongoing issues as well. You don’t just remove a leg, strap on a prosthesis and keep going. The stumps must heal and shrink before they can be fitted. Skin care is very important as is adherence to cleanliness or sores can develop. If it is bilateral, then to go to the bathroom she either needs to put on her legs use a wheelchair and be able to get in and out of chair onto toilet or used a bedside commode or bedpan. Someone will like be up to help her every night.

I am a nurse. I am not saying this cannot be done but it is a huge undertaking that could go on for 20 years. Amputees can and do live full lives but it is a struggle for them and their personality and strength of will are huge factors. I am concerned you don’t understand the enormity of this. I am sure your husband feels obligation but this will be an enormous long term commitment. How will you leave her to go on vacation. Your whole lives will revolve around her.
if there are any other options, please consider them.

I feel so much for you and your family.
My family went through a nightmare and I am sure what happened is not the norm.

My mom was 78. Due to circulatory problems, she needed to have her leg amputated below the knee. She seemed pretty matter-of-fact about it ahead of time but couldn’t face it after it happened, and fell into a depression. Then the stump started dying, so her leg had to be re-amputated above the knee.

Mom had always been independent but was now looking at not driving, not working in the yard, not living alone. She seemed overnight to succumb to dementia. An avid knitter and reader, she was now unable to concentrate long enough to stick with anything. She died a few months after the operation from a 3 day bout with a cold that turned into pneumonia. I think the fact that she felt so helpless is what ultimately killed her. Maybe our case was extreme, but don’t hesitate to get her counciling if you need to.
Good luck and hopes go out for a good recovery!

I had a friend that had a amputation below the knee. She was pretty independent and could easily transfer from wheelchair to couch, chair, etc. It takes upper body strength. How is MIL in this department? If she's not strong, she should start working on building up NOW. It will make her rehab quicker and easier.

Will she be interested in becoming independent or want you to do everything for her?

After surgery, she should definitely go to rehab for PT/OT. She should be able to do a lot for herself, if she has the desire/need to do so. I would set some lines in the sand for things she MUST be able to do for herself to come home. Like using the toilet. Like getting in and out of bed alone. Things that you do NOT want to have to be responsible for, things that will make her more dependent upon others for simple things.

She may be wheelchair bound. Can your home support this? Will she be able to get things in the kitchen, etc.?

I agree, this is a lot of caregiving. I had two friends who lost a leg. They were never able to wear prosthetics. My GF had a scooter chair my other friend was in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. Both had very very good spouses.

There will be a lot of lifting. Even with one leg. I would make sure I understood what was involved in her caregiving. How much of it the family may be expected to do. You may need special transportation for her.

Begin by getting an OT to come to your home to access it for her needs, but IMO you don't have a very realistic idea of just how much hands on, physically demanding personal care she will need.