This is a long story but will try to get to the point here. My parents were very controlling when we were growing up. We were not allowed to choose our own friends or hang out with anyone that had "money". We were constantly threatened by our mother with belt whippings from my dad when he came home from work if we didn't do what she told us to. We always were a problem to her. We did all the housework while she sat watching her soap opera's on tv all day long. (I mean all day) We grew up in a time that kids were to be seen and not heard. Christmas's at our grandparents were a nightmare on the way home. Dad was always ridiculing my grandparents, and looking for hidden meaning to every word my grandparents said. We didn't dare to enjoy ourselves on the trip, We'd be yelled at and told to shut up. Mom always tried to talk him down. It never worked so the arguements started between them at that point. As we got older we all dreaded the holidays. When we were in high school we were always watched like a hawk. At outdoor school events (ice cream social) my parents did a drive by when I was headed home. There was a girl they didn't approve of and they saw me stop to talk to her. I was lectured, told I was not telling the truth, called a liar and grounded for what?? Stopping to answer the girls question. She wasn't a friend, I never had anything to do with her. Fast forward. After graduating HS, we did as we were told if we wanted to stay at their house. We got jobs, went to work and came home. We were only allowed to go out on the weekends with what money we had left after paying our rent to them for the week . Back then after a 40 hour week I paid them $50 a week for room and board and was left with $38 to get back and forth on the next week. Anyway. I was working full time, an ad was in the paper for another job. I called in some personal time and went to apply for it. The next day I was fired for it. My parents accused me of quitting and were mad as heck over it. Not my fault. The supervisor where I worked was friends with the HR at job I applied at. Needless to say I was accused of being a liar again. No trust from them whatso ever. 18 was the magic number for them. They threw me out of the house and I lived on the streets at that point and living with what few friends that I had for a time. I ended up joining the US Army. Loved every minute of it.
NOW...... Dad is gone, mom is in a nursing home and I am to the point I want nothing to do with her. She constantly tries taking credit for the person I am today. Constantly comparing everything I do well to it being something she taught me (not true) Constantly wanting a pat on the back for forcing me out of the house at 18 because she thinks she did the right thing. Constantly and I mean every conversation she reminds me that she is my mother, (your old momma this and your old mama that) Constantly telling me that she is "happy I care for her" and constantly trying to manipulate me with guilt trips and blaming everything on dad. She wants everyone to feel sorry for her. The pity party she has been giving for herself has gotten to the point that she can't keep her stories straight. She is a different person with everyone she meets, Her siblings, her care takers and Us her kids. We are each treated to her different personalities and told different things from her. We have to call the nursing home repeatedly over the things she says. Anyway sorry about the venting. Don't know if anyone will have any answers to the problems I have but Thank you anyway :-)
I'm the oldest of 4, I have 3 brothers. I moved far, far away and the 'rents are my brothers' problem. They had a very different upbringing than I did. They were little princes and all 3 are failures. I'm the only one that's made anything of myself. I put myself through college (parents paid for my brothers) and my focus is on my husband and kids, not my parents. Though every couple of years they show up here, 2500 miles away, unannounced. Weird. One time we were away on vacation, lol!
Anyway, just know you're not alone on the crazy parent train. Do you have siblings that can carry some of the load? Honestly, even if I was the only child, my parents would get nothing from me in the way of care. Your mom has people taking care of her, she doesn't need you.
Be like me and walk away. You'll be glad you did. I'm so much happier without them in my life. I hope I'm not coming off as a hateful person. I feel like I'm pretty darn nice and helpful in general. I have great friends who are a positive influence and my husband and girls (16 an 21) are absolutely awesome. I just do what I have to do for my sanity in regards to my parents. Nothing good will come of having a relationship with them, only pain. Sometimes you have to take care of your self and your own mental health needs. You aren't a bad person for that.
There are lots of great answers here. Listen to them. Good luck.
lots of pain. I hope you have allowed yourself lots of healing.
You have been given a lot of kindness and support here. You deserve it.
You also deserve to be free from the abuse, pain, and ghosts of the past.
Your mom is safe and cared for - and you don’t have to provide her care. How wonderful for you. Truly something you can be grateful for.
Forgive? When we forgive- we are literally letting go of the prison on pain. It’s for your benefit, not hers. It’s not about “ forgive and forget” or that
“ forgiving is accepting “ the abuse, behavior, or situation. Not in my experience- forgiveness is releasing the power they have over your emotions, responses, and reactions. She held you prisoner. She’s not allowed to be your jailer anymore. Don’t allow her that power. It’s easy for me to say, but very difficult to practice.
What do you do now? The best you can do- just for today. You are responsible to your life and your identified family. You are not responsible to her- she’s in a place where she receives care, food, and safety.
what others think? Honestly, who cares? Your peace is between you and your higher power ( mine is God). That relationship is the most important for me to keep my mind from spinning off to unhealthy places. The rest really doesn’t matter. I cannot control what others think or do, I can only control what I think or do. The rest...Who cares?
Give yourself kindness. You deserve it.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and finding a solution that works for YOU. Kudos to you for turning out to be a good person and thank you for your service to our country.
Caregiving can be done from afar.
Or if it’s best for the child they do not have to assume any responsibility.
I don’t see the point of allowing the parent to have the satisfaction of belittling their child.
I definitely don’t see the point of caring for someone that the emotional connection has died.
Why do anything if your heart isn’t in it? Who really benefits from this action?
It’s a nightmare.
She is in a nursing home they provide her care.
Put your boundaries in place and stick to them.
I have gone through a lot of emotional distress over Mom's absence of warmth and affection: confusion, resentment, frustration, anguish. Feeling "less than." Feeling conflicted, feeling undeserving of love. One and a half years of therapy helped but didn't resolve my conflictedness. I finally (finally!) was able to come to terms with the emotional neglect when the epiphany dawned on me: Mom was totally unequipped for parenthood. Somehow, some way, something happened in Mom's childhood that left her in a state of emotional arrest and scoring very high on narcissistic traits. I'm not absolving her of responsibility, but I do forgive her. It didn't happen overnight. Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. And for what it's worth, I wasn't a perfect parent either. I let God, and let go.
Wishing you a similar kind of peace. (((Hugs)))
She is a kind person. I think deep down she knows now she may be a burden as she is bedridden in a NH facility having previously been in an AL one before a septic infection further lessened her quality of life.
She wasn't overly maternal but tried. I am her only child. Our mission now is to figure out if she can always remain where she is or if I have to search for another facility that might accept Medicaid down the line if we start off paying private pay. She slowly continues to go downhill yet hangs on not showing realism about her condition. Her life has been filled with unrealistic expectations.
Your thoughts on this matter are all sincerely appreciated. Thank you so much!!!
Wow! Just wow!. You are so impressive. I think you truly went out and "created" your own, amazing life! Your childhood story is horrible, but you certainly did not allow it to stop you.
I don't have any answers, but perhaps focus on this: She's safe. She's clean. She's fed. She's probably receiving more mental stimulation than we realize. She enjoys creating some drama.
If you feel like communicating with her, then do it. If you don't, then don't. Maybe just send her little cards in the mail to somewhat appease her... I heard from a friend this works better than imagined with her difficult mom.
You have done enough.
Also, thank you so much for serving our country!
As for your mother taking credit for any of your success in life, it had absolutely nothing to do with her. In fact, you made it IN SPITE of her, not because of her and if it will help you get some of the closure that adult children of abusive parents need, then tell her so. To her face.
If you want to sever all ties with her and have nothing to do with her, then you should. Don't have a moment of guilt over it either.
If she would see her own child put out into the street and homeless because they turned 18, then she is a shameless, selfish narcissist, and I don't mind saying so. You and your siblings were not a priority in her life. You are now because she needs you. Her selfish needs make you and your siblings relevant to her life now. You don't owe her anything. Parents like yours when they get elderly think they can rewrite history and all the abuse, hurt, and pain they caused and are guilty of disappears and somehow never happened because in their old age they want everyone to be one big happy family. It doesn't work that way.
If she's soliciting pity for herself in the nursing home, then let her have it. Pay it no mind at all.
You have to find a way to forgive her though. Not for her, but for yourself. You don't have to ever see or speak to her again. You don't have to take any more responsibility for her either and none should judge you for it, but forgive her.
Forgiveness is a hard to accomplish. You may even benefit from talking to a therapist about it. Try to find forgiveness for her and then go on with your own life without giving her a thought. If you want to stay involved with your siblings in her care to ensure her welfare then you can still do that without interacting with her. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
My parents were not abusive, but my OB was, so I lived in constant underlying fear of being molested at any moment, night or day. Even when confronting my folks about it (OB was in jail due to child abuse and they asked me to testify on his behalf. I was itching to do so, but did tell them what I would be saying. Dad believed me and was devastated, mother, to this day, calls me a liar to my face.)
We ALL go through absolute crap at times in life. Some of us are dealt a worse hand. If we are LUCKY and SMART, we get out and don't go back, involved and hands on. I do not 'do' for mother. Used to--out of a sense of perverse guilt that I no longer feel. She will often say how having kids was just hell on ice. She likes a couple of us, and adores a couple. And totally disses the last 2.
I see her when I want and do what I feel I can do without causing myself to have a meltdown.
She did the absolute minimum to keep us alive---did what SHE wanted and what she KNEW would be seen by the world, not what we NEEDED. I've had my braces off for 50 years and I STILL hear about how expensive they were. She paid for ONE pair of eyeglasses when I was 8 and expected them to last until I got married and could afford my own. It's amazing none of us died of childhood diseases, she only took herself to the Dr., not us, unless we were fevered over 103 or one of the grandmas got involved.
Some women should NEVER have had children and she was one. So selfish, so completely inward thinking--one would think that by age 91(!) you'd have a little self awareness.
She is lonely, she doesn't have but one friend, and no one in the family really reaches out to her. I'd feel bad, but she really brought all this down on herself.
The WORST thing she can say to me is "oh you're just like me". Other than being short, no, no I am not.
I am a huge disappointment to her and I know it.
My cousin gets plenty of family judgement (not from me. Never from me) because she has nothing to do with her mother who has been in a nursing home for the last two years. She has dementia and her husband who was her caregiver died. My other cousin (her sister) tried for a little while to have mom with her. They ended up doing an ER dump and the hospital placed her. Neither of them has ever been to visit her in the NH. They grew up in horrendous abuse from both of their parents, so who can blame them. One thing I disagree with you on though. Cheryl60 does not owe her parents any credit or even the slightest nod for her own success. She made it in spite of them not because of them.
It sounds like you and I could be sisters. My childhood was almost exactly like yours. Very verbal and abusive mother. After my parents divorced my mother chose not to have anything to do with us 3 kids. I tried to keep some contact for a year after the divorce but was plainly told to go away. Period! (That's putting it nicely.)
That was nearly 30 years ago and my mother still doesn't want contact with any of us. Her choice. Now, she's getting older and if it ever comes down to me making a choice for her care, I'll pick a nice nursing home, put her in it and leave her there. I'll make a visit once a month (maybe) and I'll leave her alone.
Sounds harsh, but she chose her life and she chose not to be a part of mine.
When my husband died years ago, I got heard nothing from her. No flowers, didn't come to his funeral. No card, nothing. She called other family members to see how I was but never call me personally.
After that, I was done. No more.
Limit your visits and don't believe all of the sympathy calls from her, it'll drive you crazy. You've been abused enough when you were young, you had no choice and you don't have to put up with it in your adult life.
Take care of yourself now. Enjoy your life now. Its your life. Not hers. Don't let her get to you. You've been thru enough.
Decide what you need to do for your mental health. At a minimum i think you need to pull back from so much contact. She is in a nursing home being taken care of - don't run interference any longer.
Decide how much time you WANT to spend on the phone. Cut off entirely? A brief call once per week? The balance between your mental health and the guilt you seem to feel for pulling away. For me, i call my mom once a week to check in on her and chat. As soon as she starts in the manipulative stuff (every week she tries the same @#$#), i say "I love you mom, gotta go" and hang up. Take control of how much time you invest for your own health.
She is your mother but that does not mean she gets to own you any longer or have you fulfill HER expectations of you.
Good luck!
In an odd way, maybe she can take credit for the person you are today. Her suffocating parenting of your youth caused you to seek an escape from that. You joined the military and found yourself a partner for life. The only thing left to do is to divorce yourself, or at least reduce your contact, from your mom. There is no joy in your visits. In fact, I can imagine you leave after your visits in a state of anxiety and stress. It may be time to express your feelings, your emotions, and even the contempt you had in your early years for her abuse. Don't be angry, just state the facts. So if you want to break it off, do it.
I am now 63, I was 28 when I was told by a therapist that I needed to feel able to do this and had a right to do it. It made me give up therapy - I did not feel at that time, and never have felt that I had the right (morally) to do something that I knew or suspected would hurt or damage the person who had caused me so much harm. I have no inclination to act in a way that causes retribution or revenge, because I know that that simply makes me as bad as her, and I have no desire to behave in a way that makes me in any way like her or lowers my own standards and morals in the way I act towards others. Ignore, cut off communication, leave to live her life without me and her grandchildren - she made that life, but not to bring return the abuse in any way that makes me responsible for any aspect of her life and how she feels, that is her responsibility, I am not taking any of it on, especially for something that will not make me feel or be any better but which may actually do the opposite.
Your parents weren't "controlling"; they were abusive. I think you know that, but "controlling" sounds more civilized. I imagine your time in the armed services (and thank you, by the way for your service) has left you with a bit of "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" mentality. That's an amazing attitude to have - except when it comes to your parents.
The small happenstance of an egg merging with a sperm might make one a parent; but it doesn't make you a "mom" or a "dad". That title comes to people who raise their children with love and affection (and those two things are NOT necessarily mutually inclusive), who provide their children with a nurturing and safe home, who support them, encourage them and help lift them back on their feet when they fail. Sometimes, as a mom or dad, you have to provide "tough love"; but your kids behavior should dictate that need, not your own irrational fears.
Your mom has said one thing that actually is true - just not in the way she means. The way your parents treated you HAS made you the person you are, because it seems to me that you have sworn to yourself you would NEVER follow in their example. You broke this horrible cycle of abuse, and for that you should be commended.
As far as dealing with "mom"- she isn't going to change. I'm sure you know that. So you have some choices to make. Cut her off entirely; there will be people who will tell you that. But that's a hard road to travel, regardless of how much she might deserve that. If you think you can do that, then that is *probably* best for your mental health. But if you don't think you can do that, then the mental and emotional gymnastics you will experience after might be as bad as dealing with her in the first place.
So, maybe it's time to seriously diminish the amount of time you spend with/talk to "mom". You can communicate with her nursing home in the event of an actual emergency - but dealing directly with her should be no more than a few minutes a week. And as soon as she starts to lay the guilt trip, hang up or leave. No apologies, no explanations, you don't owe her that. You do owe yourself a life free of the pain she has been so expertly placing on you. And you owe it to your family to be the happy, peaceful person that she prevents you from being.
I hope you can find a solution that brings you the happiness you deserve.
Mom made her bed, she can lie in it. She will not change, won’t ever accept she was a crappy mother. Just be glad you know better and have broken the cycle of abuse. You didn’t deserve such treatment! Mom, however, does. It’s sad for her that she wasted her life being so horrorible to her kids. It’s her loss.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Welcome to the forum. Glad that you found us.
Please don’t apologize for venting. We have all vented here.
My primary caregiver days are over but like you, I needed a place to vent during those frustrating times.
Some of us have remained on the forum hoping to help others with what we have learned. Besides that, this is a lovely group of people and we have formed a family atmosphere.
You will find people on this forum with similar situations to yours and others that are dealing with very different circumstances. We can all learn from each other.
I read your post and see an extremely independent person. Good for you! You aren’t buying into your mother’s delusional thinking, nor her ‘guilt’ pushing.
You can’t change her beliefs about what she chooses to take credit for in your life. Pat yourself on the back for escaping her gaslighting tactics. You aren’t allowing her to steal any of your thunder.
It sounds like she has been a manipulative woman for many years. I am truly sorry that you and your siblings endured this as a child.
Many of us have been through confusion and pain as children.
So, I understand that you are struggling with caring for your mom. I realize that memories are uncomfortable as well.
I would like to know if you are interested in monitoring from
afar without an emotional attachment. Or are you interested in not accepting any responsibility for her care?
I am going to guess and say that I doubt if you are hoping for an acknowledgment or explanation of her behavior in the past or present. Am I right?
You appear to be aware that she isn’t capable of facing reality.
There isn’t any excuse or justification for mistreatment of others.
Often it is cyclical behavior. Other situations are complete mysteries because they had wonderful parents.
Those who were mistreated themselves, sometimes do pass it on to the next generation.
Some people are able to find the strength by themselves to break the cycle, others need the intervention of therapy, still others due to various reasons seem to be a lost cause.
Although less common, sometimes there is healing within family members.
I certainly hope that you will find inner peace, no matter what the outcome of your personal family dynamics are.
If you aren’t necessarily looking for suggestions to cope with your mother and just looking to vent, I get it!
If you are looking for suggestions, I would say that I feel like you are dealing with this challenging situation fairly well.
I suppose that you could step back as much as possible and allow staff to do the bulk of the work. How involved are you in your mom’s care?
I wish you all the best as you continue with this difficult situation.
Take care.