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Mom is 82, resides alone in a rural area. I live nearby thus much but not all falls to me in caregiving. Our family dynamic has been she favored my brother and his family. To the point of buying a house, free for them about 15 years ago. My understanding was he helped mom out handyman type situations. (I wasn't included in the loop.) Fast forward to now.


Mom has lost her filters and is hateful,mean and disagrees to bathe, change clothes etc. Only if my brother comes, will she go along with him, most of the time. He resides over an hr away and works FT and has a lot of vacations and other things he does. Brother gets frustrated with me because I can't get mom on board with something and blames me frequently for his having to drive down to take her to the Dr or Groc. Etc...


Last month, after he and I had words over the situation again, I ended up in the hospital for a week. UTI and mental exhaustion. Burnout. (I'm a retired nurse but as always, my care comes last. Even my mom expresses that. Yep. Lol..) Mom runs me down verbally and accuses me of stealing frequently. She was not openly kind or loving towards me thru the years but this abusive nature has left me completely empty. Especially if my brother gets on my case about helping her.


He recently became her POA and moved $20,000 into his name only. She insisted that I was stealing checks and buying food. Which I had to laugh about. I wasn't but he and she were shopping and she forgets. Or she gives him funds, then I take the blame for the transaction. It got insane. I have recently tried to explain to him and her how I feel about their treatment etc. Typically, he says nothing. Mom will mock me and tell me what a jealous hateful daughter I am and "poor pitiful you" and get hateful. For almost a year I have tried to set up a contract to work for her and receive small pay as I have as a nurse. Only to have her refuse to pay me or something like that. He tries to ignore the fact that I should even consider being paid. Which is hurtful because he plays up the Golden child image which denegrates me to her.


Today, I can barely get my mind going I'm so despondent and just ready to give up.


My children are far away in other states and are weary of hearing about Grandma. Especially my son, "it is just drama and he doesn't want anything to do with it". When I was hospitalized, I thought I had a handle on this. Now a month later I'm struggling so very bad.

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Turtl,

I agree with the others. You need to remove yourself from this situation. Your brother has been given the responsibility (POA) to deal with all this. Under the circumstances by all means let him do it whether he wants to or not! Let him pay the bills, use Moms money to repair Septic or anything else.

He’s a busy guy. Tough. Let him figure it out.

I also agree, go visit your kids. But, don’t go on and on about grandma. I suspect it’s not that they don’t care but that they are tired of hearing the same story and you are not taking any steps to change your involvement.

Save yourself. Get out of this mess now.
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I really feel for you. I live in Scotland and my mum lives with me. I love her very much and am very lucky to be an only child. I really do understand the manipulation though and the emotional blackmail, I feel, will get worse. I seriously hope you don’t go and live with her as omg she could throw you out. If you are not her named carter (I’m sorry I don’t understand the American initials) but your brother is. I agree with the lady who suggested you take a holiday, however, I also get that when you come back things could be a lot worse. What I can help with is if you do spend any money. Keep every receipt and document it! Especially if there is an inheritance. Inheritance tax is massive in this country and America. A normal sized family home is enough to be charged the 45% ! It is important for you. However, I think your brother has his eyes on the prize and is after money, what a shame. If its a big job, I imagine the sceptic tank is dear, get the brother to pay from the money he transferred from your mother. Did he pay tax on it? My heart totally is with you as I understand you love your mum and don’t wont to just leave her but are trapped like a hamster on a wheel. Good luck and please take a holiday.
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JoAnn has an excellent idea! Talk to your children and make arrangements to visit for a week (or two). This will give you time to relax and think things through with the help of someone who loves and cares about you. Let your brother know you'll be leaving and if necessary, find help for her while you're gone. You NEED this break. Please consider this - it would be so good for you. I'm praying that God will give you wisdom in making decisions and strength to follow through. 💙
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You have been praying for guidance. You have come here and are getting it. Start to distance yourself. When Mom calls and needs something, tell her you can’t help now and to call your brother. Start to walk away. Start your plan.
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You just have to stop as others have told you. This could be compared to an addiction. If you want a different life which you indicate you need to stop what is causing all the problems. I realize she is your mother but from what you say it has amounted to being in name only. A true mother loves and supports her offspring for life. I have 3 grown children who are independent but I am always concerned about them. When we talk we end the conversation with saying I love you. 2 of them have provided me with grandchildren all of whom I love deeply. I have worked until recently but didn't really have a career but I am fine with that. Raising them has been my life and that has been enough for me. It's very sad but in my opinion you really don't have a mother or as I already said you have one in name only. You deserve a life without abuse but only you can make that happen
I hope you find the strength to do this
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It sounds like you are a caring, dutiful daughter, but your Mom and brother are taking you for granted. If you feel it is important to help your Mom, then do it on your terms. Decide what you are willing to do, and then tell your Mom. Set boundaries! I had to with my Mom. Telling Mom I could only help her certain days of the week was empowering. It gave me back some control over my life and my sanity.
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I sincerely hope you’ll remove yourself from this abuse entirely. Move away, perhaps closer to your children if that’s a good situation. You’re not going to ever change this dynamic, time to enjoy life and save yourself.
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Well, it's time to go visit those kids. Maybe move near one of them. Let brother be responsible for Mom. Transferring that 20k is stealing. If Mom ever needs Medicaid that 20k will have to be paid back for her care or there will be a penalty.

You do not deserve this abuse. Believe me, you r not the only one on this forum who isn't going thru the same thing.

Your health is not worth it. You will never please these people. Take back your life.
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Call your brother. Tell him that he can have total control - you are through. This is a demeaning and abusive situation and if you don't remove yourself, you will suffer emotionally (you already are) and physically. If the possibility of inheritance is keeping you in the picture, then you need to check with an attorney to see if it is secure and then move on. Please! No one should be treated the way you are being treated!
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turtlrunr avatar
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turtlrunr Sep 2018
Thank you dipandjdeb. I'm so emeshed with her I have trouble with objectivity in the situation. I do concur this has set me back recently. Mom keeps asking me to move in with her and I'm praying for guidance and wisdom.
Additionally, she could easily kick me to the curb and I'd be homeless !! Not a good idea.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness and timely response.
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Walk away. Thus is abuse and gaslighting.

Again. Walk away.
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turtlrunr Sep 2018
Gotcha...keep trying and get reeled back....was actually hoping to hear from you as I have been following you for a few years now!! Appreciate you and your insight. Ty
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Please stop letting these people abuse you just because they are family. Since Mom has designated golden boy as her POA, let him take full responsibility. Visit Mom for a hour or two every week and take her some treat like an ice cream sundae. If she starts verbally abusing you then remember some appointment and leave. Take care of yourself and go visit those kids living in other states!

BTW: If your brother used POA to transfer $20,000 to himself then he is guilty of elder abuse and could go to jail. Once he became POA, Mom's gifting should have ended.
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turtlrunr Sep 2018
TNtechie, thank you for your comments and suggestions. APS actually is in the picture as of a couple of weeks ago.
Orginally, I was out of the money loop and was under the impression that a spend down was in process. But I am so weary and exhausted from all of the phone calls from mom to come and help her get up or something. Then I get there and the power is off or the septic tank system is not working or......and I am supposed to help in addition to "pay for it". I am worn flat out.
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