I’m a 68 year-old widow of six years caring for my 97-year-old mother-in-law. She has neuropathy or lack of feeling from below her knees to her feet. She continues to drive. She has had two claims in the last two years for ripping off a Sideview mirror, and ripping off the front bumper, which she said someone else did to her car. She lives in a townhome with a bedroom and full bath, upstairs and laundry in the basement. She’s very hard of hearing and has fallen numerous times in the last year - in 2020 she broke her arm after fall and has hit her head each time she falls. Every time no damage to her head except much bleeding and an huge bump and then she recovers. She was the victim of a phishing scam recently which made the bank shut down her online account and made her have her computer scrubbed. One day she says she’s ready to give up the car, the next day she’s not - one day she said she’s ready to look at senior living places the next day she’s not. We’ve seen about 6. Every day she says she just wants to die - she has hip pain, and a blood disease but otherwise is relatively ok. She says she does t want to be a burden but she is as I’m always on high alert. When my husband got sick with cancer, she changed her will so that my children are her only heirs- prior to that her estate was split between my husband and the children. When she falls or has a doctor’s appointment or messes up her computer or needs yard done or the car fixes, she calls me. I’ve been trying to get her to move to an independent/asssited living facility five minutes from my house as she lives 30 minutes from my house now and very often I have to run over quite late at night due to some emergency. She is starting to get very short with me. I don’t think she should be driving. I don’t think she should be living in a two-story dwelling. My daughters and all her family agrees. I’m all she’s got locally. She wants to maintain her independence and says “you think I’m stupid “. I know I am with my rights as her POA to at least make her buy, a life alert, a stair lift and a first floor laundry or at least hire a caregiver that will do her laundry do her shopping things like that. She does not want to spend the money. I’m worried that it will take her having an accident of a major injury and hospitalization and me, saying that I will not stay with her or take her into my home for her to have to get proper care. her primary care doctor will not take the car away. I’m having a geriatric doctor hopefully see her and assess her for ability to stay in her home and drive. But in New York State they really don’t do much to make a senior do what needs to be done Please advise thank you. While she is not generally unpleasant toward me , she more or less treats me like a slave where she thanks me, but I have to do everything out of the goodness of my heart, change my schedule. What complicates things is that I have a daughter 10 hours away who almost died in childbirth and has issues, including depression, PTSD, heart palpitation, etc. and really needs me and wants me to move there. Thank you for your insights.
Your POA does not mean your at MILs beck and call. Unless immediate, it not even in effect unless one or two doctors have declared her incompetent. Your respnsibility, if in effect, is to oversee her finaces and her medical wishes. There is nowhere in a POA document that says ur at her bech and call. She is ur MIL not ur mother. I would call Office of aging for an evaluation. Tell them your daughter needs you but u want to make sure MIL can do it on her own. If not, u need someone other than you tell her she needs to go into an AL because you cannot be there for her.
I think I see it now.
If I was the OP I'd also want to care & help my MIL, my children's Grandmother. To be honest, also, I wouldn't want to walk away & jepodize any potential gifts for my children.
I see this a one older lady, fighting to stay in control. Leaving a will can feel like a 'Social Contract' to ensure your family help you. But the expectations can get unrealistic (especially if reasoning skills start to fade). *Entitled*
I think this can be solved. With care. Maybe even without the Tough Love.
Arrange that geriatric needs assessment. Be neutral but honest. You have *Concerns*.
I've been theough this a few times now. Seen the *show-timing*, heard the *upskilling*. Sat quietly in frustration! Then blazed in in with a list - cracked the showtime open but put my LO offside, lost trust. I had way too high expectations of what could be achieved.. It took time to find the middle way - more neutral.
'Just the facts Ma'am'
Use an assessment as a starting point. A talking point.
Specific areas where assistance is needed can be highlighted. Then ideas & resouces to address eg;
- Driving is now unsafe (call it troublesome of you prefer a softer style). Would using a taxi work? Or a private driver? Miss Daisy style.
- Meals - prepackaged & delivered or collected by aide.
- Groceries - arranged by phone/net, delivered or collected by aide.
- Home cleaner/laundry/other small tasks.
Now if MIL can work with this, she may stay in her home for longer. The message is - It is up to her. Within HER power.
Be prepared for 'I don't need it'.
Be prepaped for 'But I have you'.
Or 'But I trust you'.
Kindky but firmly explain you will be leaving to visit your daughter soon. You obviously want to ensure she has the help she needs while you are away.
If she can reason this, good!
If not, it is time for the Tough Love.
A stay for MIL in respite care/assisted living while you visit your daughter would be an good start.
That is exactly what happened to my LO. Refused any alternative to family help, yet family needed to be away (surgery, injury, take a holiday). Doctor explained they had rights & could choose to stay home, yet as they could not look after themself, needed home help workers or went into respite care.
Does this make sense to you?
The OP lost me when I read that she is not in her MIL’s Will despite the fact she is her POA and doing the hands in work.
Not to say anyone should expect an inheritance but to be disregarded so blatantly is really disgusting in my eyes.
If MIL has an event, and she probably will to try to get you back home, you can deal with it from a more balanced perspective from where you are with daughter.
Don’t over think it. Pack a bag and go.
Did you even have time to grieve your DH?
I’m so sorry you are trapped in this situation. You are the only one who can make a difference in your life.
I’m not saying you should move. I’m saying you should visit your daughter and then maybe take a vacation where you have time to think about the next stage of your life. it will do you good to refocus.
To look at it from fresh eyes.
Then goals towards a re-set can be made.
Put her in respite care for a few weeks, go see you daughter and make a long-term decision when you come back. She can find an alternative, and safer solution, but you won't get the chance to go and support your daughter when she needs it again.
I know what I'd do.....arrange someone to watch now and then your mil and I'd scramble by leaps and bounds to be at your precious daughter's side!!
She also treated me like a servant, cleaning up her messes, and her dog's messes. (It was not housebroken.) No thank you, no asking, it was pretty much demands. If I had a chance to go back in time, I would not have been her caregiver. No amount of inheritance is worth the garbage I had to deal with during that year. You and your family comes first, be there for them.
Next, the car. No doctor will "take the car away." The best a doctor can do is lift her license. You need to do two things: make sure her driver's license is suspended and make sure the car goes away. Taking away her license will not stop her from driving if she intends to do so. The car could develop some mechanical problem. It goes to the "shop" which may be the home of one of your friends that she doesn't know too well. It takes a long time to repair (as in never) because they can't get the parts.
But then, who drives her? Well, nobody. Or a local charity that drives seniors. Or she might have to go to assisted living where they have drivers who provide transportation, included with the fee.
She WILL eventually fall or otherwise find it necessary to move to AL or memory care. How long can you wait? In the meantime, your daughter and grandchild are struggling. I know what I'd do.
You have no obligation to take care of her. You can do as much or as little as you choose. You won’t be getting your husband’s inheritance which I think that is pretty s****y on her part since you are caring for her.
If you do not want to care for her anymore, resign your POA.
It sounds like your daughter might need some help temporarily from you. You should make that happen. That’s important.
Lending a hand is caring, a gift, but there needs to be limits.
Obtain that geriatric needs assessment. That's a very good place to start.
Could MIL be left alone for you to visit your daughter, say for 2 weeks?
Then let her make them.
There is nothing you can do to change this.
Your daughter needs you. That is where you should put your allegience. Anything else is ENABLING your mother not to get the care she needs.
Push will come to shove and your mother will be hospitalized. We many of us "get that call". Then, with the help of rehab and social workers you can work on getting mother into care.
Whatever you do, do not attempt to take her into your home, or to move into hers.
Our parents owe us to take care of us whether they have us as their children by accident or choice. And we pay that forward caring for our OWN CHILDREN.
Your mother has had her own life and it is a long one, as well.
Let her go.
Cut the natal cord.
She wants to be on her own and is judged competent to be so. It is her choice and we cannot change the choices or poor decisions of other people.
Is your PoA active? I.e. did you read it to see what criteria is required to actually have the authority with her doctors and financial institutions? Often, they specify 1 and sometimes 2 medical diagnoses of cognitive impairment. If this hasn't happened, it needs to. There are strategies to get this done, so knowing this information would be helpful.
Options to stop her driving: you can report her anonymously online to the DMV. You will need her license # and dates/info about incidents that make her a dangerous driver. I've stopped 3 seniors from driving by doing this (and a 4th we removed their vehicle when social services told them they were not to drive). FYI my 96-yr old Uncle went through an intersection and got T-boned, killing his own wife. There are strategies for retiring her driving that are on this forum so search it.
Option for opting out of her hands-on care: you can legally resign your PoA, then back away from all your oversight and help. Then report her to APS as a vulnerable adult and they will step in (if they determine she is cognitively impaired) to provide the appropriate care for her. They will probably seek guardianship to do this.
Or, more likely, on her next trip to the ER you go there as well and make sure the medical staf know that she's an "unsafe discharge" and that she should be transitioned from there (or rehab) directly into a facility. You can do this if your PoA is active. Bring that paperwork with you. Her doctors all need to have copies, as does her banks.
Your first priority is your own family, you, your kids, your spouse. If your husband is being unrealistic about this situation, he needs to be brought onboard that you are just done working her circus. She's not independent. She's not reasonable. She's not cooperative. She doesn't care that it is burning you out. If it were me I would resign asap, but that's your decision to make.
She has other solutions. It will make you feel guilty at first, but you've done nothing wrong so please don't feel guilty. You can't do more than what you've been doing without paying a huge personal price. Her best solution is AL or MC. The caregiving arrangment has to work for the caregiver as well, or it's not working at all.
Don't do a damn thing for her. The next time she falls and calls you please tell her the following:
'Too bad. You should probably call an ambulance'. Then hang the phone up.
One of your kids can take over her POA. They are the ones who will benefit from her, not you. Or go down to the probate court in the town she lives in and have yourself removed as POA. You can do this. Many people think it's hard to remove themselves as someone's POA. It's not. Then let her know in plain language that if she really gets hurt because she's too cheap to hire homecare for herself, or because she insists on driving that she isn't coming to your place and you aren't going to hers. That you will NEVER take care of her for any reason even if she pays.
Then stick to it. Also, the next time she snidely says that you think she's stupid, tell her most emphatically that yes you do think she's stupid. Real stupid and selfish too. A 97-year old who's had accidents already is not only risking their life on the road. That kind of toxic stubbornness puts everyone else's safety at risk too. She's 97 and lived her life. Some child or 20-year old hasn't.
Don't do anything for her. You have to let her fail. Sadly, this is what has to happen so many times with these asinine elders who can take stubbornness to a level where it becomes dangerous.
Hopefully she won't get hurt too bad before she accepts homecare help and no one will have to die on the road because of her driving.
As for the driving write a letter to the DMV outlining your concerns, too many doctors are fools when it comes to the car issue, especially if it is a male, the ego interferes with their common sense.
Who has her DPOA? Any other children?
Your priority should be your children and grandchildren not a MIL and you of course.
You have taught her how to treat you, time for you to stand up and be counted.
Good Luck.
Are you her POA?
Technically YOU are not responsible for her if you are not POA. And if she is cognizant is the POA, if you have one, in effect?
Next time she goes to the ER make it very clear that
1. You are not responsible for her.
2. She is not safe at home.
3. She has no one to care for her.
Next time she calls you late at night for some "emergency" DO NOT go over to help her.
If it is an emergency she can call 911. If it is not "worthy" of a 911 call then it can wait until the morning or sometime in the next day or two.
STOP doing all the things that you are doing for her that make it possible for her to continue to live "independently" you are propping her up with the delusion that she can remain in her home.