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This will be long. Last year mom had partial hip replacement, has COPD, bad back. She rehabbed at my home but ultimately went back home. Thought she might want to move to senior living (no help included). She really pushed around July b/c she thought neighbor guy was stalking around her house at night setting off fireworks (we saw no debris). She was fighting with his mom and doesn’t speak to them now. Fast forward she decided not to go to senior bldg....now we have cameras outside so she will feel better; now she says he won’t be there b/c he knows she has cameras. I should also say I can’t ask my mother why about anything, she doesn’t eat right, won’t take our advice, is very ungrateful. I’m an only child and my husband and I have been helping my mom since I got married either financially, house stuff, medical stuff and everything else too. Dad gone now 25 yrs. when dad was sick, husband had to help cut grass, etc b/c their finances were messed up. I am furloughed right now but last year was the tipping point; I started not feeling well & still investigating things (maybe adrenal fatigue-too much stress). Daughter had baby right in the middle of mom’s hip issue) so I was working, visiting her in the rehab and checking in on my daughter too. Now we are grandparents to 5 little ones under 3 (son & wife had twins in June, another stressor) so we get asked to help out on occasion (which is fun but there’s always mom and her needs). I’m exhausted & the fighting my mom does with me & husband is a contributing factor. I mean there is a long list of things we told her she shouldn’t do and in the end she hurt herself which in turn took time from life to deal with it. Right after my daughter got married (2 days later) she asks me if I’m having an affair. When I ask where she came up with that, I get oh don’t worry people know they talk....WTH...I’ve been married for 37 years... that whole story blew up & we didn’t talk for almost 3months. I can check her camera outside now so a friend came over and they were sitting on her porch after being in the house for a few minutes...she starts talking to friend about me & my husband. I was hurt, husband angry. We get calls if the sound goes out on TV b/c she pressed wrong button, calls at 9:45 pm last night b/c she wanted to see cameras outside but couldn’t get it to work. She didn’t apologize for talking about us and never does. Won’t get meals on wheels which then puts burden on me to “make sure” she’s eating right. I arranged for comfort keeper to help me out but instead all my mother wants her to do is take her out to eat, not help around the house like I wanted. We pay her bills, make dr appts, take her to dr appts, to get her hair done, take her food, shop for groceries, do her laundry, etc pretty much everything. She won’t give us POA & refuses to even think about assisted living. In the last 14 yrs I can’t even tell you how many times she’s been in the hospital and rehab b/c she was falling & not being careful. What should I do? This situation is making me sick. I’m seeing a doctor on Monday re: adrenals. She wants to say oh you’re just stressed out...agreed but it’s because of her. I’m stuck being an only child what options do I have? Any advice? Sorry this is so long Please no judgement this has been exhausting and going on my entire life. I remember her fighting with her sisters, my uncle told her to get out of his house and my dear dad said she was going to kill him first and said she thought she was miss America! Now I think she is going to kill me but she blames everything on everyone else.

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You’re giving your mother the illusion that she’s living independently. By providing all she needs it enables her to believe the charade that she’s doing fine on her own. Unless and until you draw some boundaries for yourself and your well being, she will never see her need for help and change. I hope you’ll prioritize your own self care and step back from hers. You’re no good to her until you do that. She needs to see her needs for what they are, without you coming to the rescue
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cosmicgirl61 Nov 2020
I have told her that in our arguments that she’s really not living independently if everyone does everything. I have said she should be in assisted living and she equates that to some of the rehab facilities she’s been to and will go down fighting. She can’t afford a single room either at one & would never share a room. Now that I’m furloughed, I couldn’t contribute to the cost either right now. TY for your insight.
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In Aug 2019 you wrote: "She CANNOT live with me!"

So now she is, and you regret your decision. Are you willing to take the necessary steps to get her out?
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cosmicgirl61 Nov 2020
No she isn’t living with me. I know that much...I can do a rehab here and there but she can’t “live” here. Yes, I’m still having these issues with her. I thought getting a Comfort Keeper would help but mom only wants to get out of the house. Last nov I ordered mom’s meals (meal delivery) so she would have something handy...she said she didn’t like them & didn’t want them. I was trying to get the burden off of me with these two decisions.
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Sorry, I am a bit confused. You say that your mom rehabbed at your home, considered independent living, then went back home. Where is home? Or did she move in with you?

Sorry, maybe I need more coffee! Did not sleep well last night.

If she is living with you, is it due to not having a place for her to go because of Covid?

Otherwise, if placement is possible, please remove this misery out of your life. All of us desire for things to work out positively with our parents but sometimes they don’t. Sad but true.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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cosmicgirl61 Nov 2020
Last year June she had to have emergency partial hip replacement. Rehabbed at a facility for 21 days couldn’t go home by herself so she came here. After she went home b/c we couldn’t take it beyond 6 weeks, we filled out the paperwork for senior living...it had a waiting list. After what she thinks is a stalker she called senior living & they had an opening. I called, we visited, she thought about it for a weekend & changed her mind. So we are back to taking care of the house and her. The only plus lately is that I re filed for survivor VA benefits and she did end up getting it so now we don’t have to pay for everything she needs...that happened late in 2017.
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Only child here, too, so I know how this sits on you and that you feel responsible for everything. I won't share my whole story but I will tell you it has a happy ending. After YEARS of drama, and me trying to fix everything - preparing food, fixing the house, providing entertainment, and having my dad tell me I was his greatest disappointment - we finally had the moment that I just decided that I wouldn't do this anymore. After a very minor catastrophe when he finally realized he couldn't do it by himself and I wasn't going to continue to help, he begrudingly agreed to move to assisted living. He moved within the month and my life has been completely changed. My blood pressure, which had been out-of-control high, is now stabilized at a reasonably normal level. I can talk on the phone or visit with him (pre-covid) and we have enjoyable conversations. I can drop by with his favorite foods and he appreciates them. The first step is BOUNDARIES and realizing that you can't change their behavior but you can change your behavior and reactions. It's not easy as we've all been programmed to be helpers, to do everything we can to for our parents, to look for their validation but we have to change that thinking. They need to feel the consequences of their actions and decisions without us stepping in to make it right. Until they realize ON THEIR OWN that this isn't working they aren't going to change, an no amount of explaining or talking will make them understand this. They have to experience their real world, not the world that we have been propping up. So, step back from all your enabling and let her world have a small collapse. Check out assisted living places in advance so you can act quickly when you get an opportunity to get her moved, and if she refuses to move then realize that she has made her decision and it is not your responsiblity to make it work.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
Yay! So happy for you.
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I setup do not disturb on my phone to start at 7:30 every night. In addition I completely block my moms calls now because I just can’t deal with her at all. But the do not disturb is helpful regardless. For me the ringing phone is such a trigger. The toxic demanding messages are a trigger. After years of family drama I have no energy left for it. Many hugs and good luck. Get some rest and let your mind and body heal.
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No where in your post did I see the word "dementia". I'm assuming she hasn't always been this way? Or has she? The imagining of stalkers out her window is a giveaway, as is her telling fantastical fiction about you having an affair. If she is changing into this exhausting person I think you need to step back and realize she is having cognitive issues and you can no longer interact with her as her old self. If you are her PoA take her to her doctor to get a cognitive evaluation so it's in her records and you know what you're dealing with and can respond appropriately.

If she has always been like this, then she "has issues" and as others have suggested you need to identify and reinforce strong boundaries. I'm also an only child and my mom has always been single and basically followed me wherever I moved, using me as her best friend (although she's not mine). She even suggested herself as my off-campus roommate in my freshman year of college (!!) She's not as "bad" as your mom but still the boundaries are the only way our relationship functions without me losing my ever loving mind. Also embracing the fact that I am NOT responsible for her happiness, I'm not her substitute spouse or her entertainment committee. You are not your mom's "retirement plan" since you weren't asked if you wanted this responsibility. She's a fully grown adult who made choices in her life and didn't plan well and must now live with the consequences, some of which are that you will not be orbiting around her. I wish you much success in protecting your heart and health and making wise choices for you and your husband's future.
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cosmicgirl61 Nov 2020
Oh my mom said the reason you have children is for them to take care of if you. My mom is the middle of 5 sisters and her older sister took care of my grandmother. I try to tell her how long I’ve been at this; she tries to tell me how she took care of her parents-not! I told her once on Labor Day weekend not to go to an outdoor picnic maybe 6 years ago. It was going to be extremely hot and bad air (she has COPD) she goes anyway-I get a call from her saying she was in the ER b/c she felt like she was going to pass out. These kind of things have happened multiple times-same scenario different occasions. TY for your concern!
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You are not only in the sandwich (between two generations, the older and the younger) but it is quite the messy sandwich. Too many condimints. You really need to unload some of this.
Your Mother is ungrateful and seems to get no pleasure in your being there, so I have to ask, why are you? It this simply a matter of lifelong training in which Mom abuses and you keep trying, hoping that some day there will be "You are such a good child; I don't know what I would do without you?"
I honestly think that the place for families often enough is several thousand miles away. They can have their children, you can visit as loving grandma, but they remain taking care of their own lives and their nuclear family. With a troublesome elder, same thing.
Have you and your husband considered a move to Alaska and beginning a new life?
I think realistically, all kidding aside, it is time to buy a book like Boundaries, and reading it through. There are none in your life and the stress is killing you. Recently a Forum member returned here to tell us of a dreadful illness; she started by saying "Caregiving can LITERALLY KILL YOU". It is very true.
Please take care of yourself. I am sorry for all the grief. Move away from troublesome people. If you choose not to, then understand that you are making a CHOICE. It is never an easy choice when it comes to family, but it IS a choice.
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cosmicgirl61 Nov 2020
i will get the book and read it. Thank you! Once a nurse friend asked about my mom, her age, how she was getting along said wait it only gets worse and every year does! My FIL in contrast, 94, lives alone, gets lonely but appreciates anything that anyone does for him. Although we are not his caregivers b/c we don’t live close.
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Your mother obviously suffers from dementia, if you haven't already figured that out by now. Get her out of your house and into a Memory Care or regular Assisted Living because enough is enough. Whether she 'wants' to go or not is irrelevant............you have to tell her she cannot live in your home ANY LONGER because it's no longer possible/feasible for her to do so. Come up with a list of reasons/lies/whatever that you need to, and then look around for places where she CAN live.

I am an only child too and made the decision long long ago that NO ELDERS would be living under my roof, period. Thank God I stuck to that decision because my mother is almost 94 and more than they can even handle at her Memory Care ALF. Soon she'll need Skilled Nursing and that's fine too...........I'll apply for Medicaid to get her placed in one.

Some people are just TOO toxic to have in your life 24/7 and that's the truth. Pat yourself on the back for taking care of her for THIS long, and then issue the choice to her immediately; which Assisted Living residence would you like to move into, mother? A B C or D? Give her a bunch of brochures and let her pick the place.

If she threatens to kill you, call 911 and have her transported to the ER for psychiatric evaluation. Again, enough is enough. Nobody has the right to ruin your life. Nobody. Don't be willing to allow it.
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cosmicgirl61 Nov 2020
She isn’t living with me currently. I feel like she is having some cognitive issues. Her older sister turned 98 recently and does have dementia. I looked at AL facilities last year after her surgery. If she was kind and grateful I fill like I could handle it but she literally acts like we work for her! I was so sad to hear her talk about me like she did and when I called her out on it she didn’t even apologize 🙁 I know I have expectations I shouldn’t! TY I appreciate your input!!
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Wow! You have to get some help with her. Stop doing so much and set some boundaries. Clearly she has dementia which is sad but do not allow this situation to make you sick and ruin your life. She is too much to handle. Good advice below on getting her into MC. Get help from PCP.
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