Was it too much to take on, there is no instruction manual for things like this?

In hindsight, it really was too much to take on, wasn't it? Adding a person who needs fulltime care to the household without adding more caring capacity is extremely stressful.

But there was no manual, you didn't really know what you were getting into, and he's there now. Now what?

One approach would be to place him in a long term care facility that is staffed around the clock, and where the caregivers do it in shifts, not 24/7, and they get time off and vacations, etc. They've also had training and lots of experience. It sounds like FIL will need Medicaid to pay for such care. You and your husband can start the process of applying. If you do go this route, be sure your whole family visits often, calls, the kids send homemade cards and silly jokes, etc. If you don't have the burden of day-to-day care you may actually be able to form better relationships.

The other approach that could work would be to keep him with you, but arrange for additional in-home help. Again, it may be necessary to apply for Medicaid or some Elderly Waiver program meant to keep elders out of nursing homes and in the community when possible. Any income he has (SS, pension, whatever) should go toward his care. If that is not enough (as it often isn't) seek financial aid.

A place to start piecing together an instruction manual is to talk to a medical social worker -- perhaps at the hospital or rehab where he was treated for his stroke, or by calling the senior services agency in your county.

Good luck to you.

I have to disagree with the advice that it won't strain your marriage of you do it for the "right reasons." it's physically demanding, on top of raising four FOUR! little kids. Whatever the reason, if it gets out on you without real help, YOU will be strained. And that strains the marriage whether you want it to or not. Whether you have the "right" reasons or not, it means resources your four kids are getting now will be strained (and I don't mean money, but that, too, gets strained). Your job into raise those kids. Don't be afraid to put them first.

That said, I lived the advice about how much you already do without a manual. It's true. But don't underestimate how hard this road is, that you're considering traveling. There's a reason people don't get it until they live it. Don't let someone else's guilt about what to do now rule your life.

For both Leslie and Golfqueen I say what my daughter told about my mother. SET BOUNDARIES!!!!!! I agree with the answer that this situation will ruin your marriage and maybe you bringing up your kids. There are many of us in this situation. It is a sign of the times with our population aging in the US with longer lives we are living. It's really a two edged sword. But you have to choose your immediate family even though it may hurt both you and your husband. And get on the same page with your husband. Let him know what you go thru on a day to day basis. Apply for Medicaid as fast as you can. Is your FIL a veteran? They often have homes that are very good and only take from the veteran what he has coming in as income leaving a small amount for the veterans wallet. (to buy small items) These homes are run on a state level. Go on line to find one in your state. In NM it is not hard to do this. God bless you for trying, but you will kill yourself and maybe lose your marriage.

LesleaJ, thanks for posing this question, scenario. You have received many helpful responses--ones I have taken to heart. It will make the decision to place our mom (11 children) in a care facility where she can get 24/7 care a lot easier. I don't think it is selfish to NOT want to perform caretaking responsibilities when you have small children. I am single and I don't want to do it. It's way-y-y more than I can handle.

Leslea.....deciding to keep a family member in your home or whether to place them outside the home is a big decision and unfortunately if you decide on the latter sometimes a bit of guilt will try and enter into that decision and that is something that you need to be aware of and prepared for. The benefits in keeping them in your home versus placing them will help to make a decision and I found that writing everything down..pro/con...clarified things. Every single one of us were not prepared for the actual care giving....my husband and I both have medical backgrounds.....and after 2 years it was too much on me physically as I have a disability and we placed my mother-in-law in a nursing home. She has Alzheimer's and was a fall risk and it was a fall that prompted her move. I found that it was and still is okay to place in a nursing home. It doesn't mean that you have failed....it means that you care enough about your loved one to see that they have the best of care available. It isn't easy to care for someone in your home, especially when you have children that need you, and the elder care will impact your family to a great degree. There will be time spent with the elder that takes you away from a family function, time spent with doctor appt and the list goes on. And yes, it does have an impact on one's marriage. If both partners are not committed 100% to the care giving then there will be conflict. Take a look around this website....there are a myriad of helpful articles and comments and you will see that there are a lot of stressed out care givers......others say they don't have problems........so you are not alone in wishing for a "care giving manual"......unfortunately no one has yet to write one that gives the real facts. Regardless of which way you go with the care giving....additional help will be needed. If you think Medicaid assistance with finances will be needed then start the paperwork now as it can take several months to get approval. And just as something to file away....if you go the Medicaid route start making copies and document every single penny of fil's money that is spent on him. You will need to account for that....each state has their own guidelines for Medicaid eligibility. I'm sure you will make the best decision for all concerned.....Good Luck!

Nursing home, Everyone including the kids are feeling the streee in the house. Make the decision and follow through.

I don't think we're supposed to let ourselves go down to keep someone else up. We should know that if a situation is not working for us, its ok to make a change. There are many resources available as mentioned in many of the Post above, I hope you find the one(s) that bring restoration to your lives.

My grandmother came to live with my parents, my younger sister, and I when I was just 10 years old. The first few years, it was okay. She then began to develop Alzheimer's, but at first it was called dementia. My mother quit her job to become Grandma's full time caregiver. Dad had promised my Grandpa to take care of Grandma (It was my maternal grandmother) when he was dying. Later, Dad made us both promise to never make such deathbed promises regardless of who asked. It is no life for a child, nor an adolescent, to live with 24/7. My Dad finally considered leaving Mom. He never did, but ended up being treated in hospital for depression. We couldn't, wouldn't, have friends over. Grandma was incontinent, and no amount of cleaning her up got rid of the odor. Mom kept her sitting in a recliner in the living room until the last couple of years. She lost the ability to talk, but moaned and drooled. If you put your father-in-law ahead of your children, they will never forgive you for it. It's tantamount to child abuse. I'm speaking as a child who lived through it. I attempted suicide at one point, and went on antidepressants. I asked to be sent to boarding school, anything to get away from that. My Mom is developing dementia now. I do love her and will care for her, but my children are grown. Your children deserve better.

Just wanted to put in a good word for nursing homes. Of course they are all different - my mother is in a lovely one. They have activities all the time, residents can dine in the dining room. And there is entertainment almost every week. They have a concierge who goes around throughout the day to visit residents and ask if they need or want anything. I believe this service is only in nursing home chains. But it is such a plus.

She also can attend religous services on site. Nursing homes of the present are not nursing homes of the past. After visiting different ones; some are a lot nicer than others. Just need to research first. These are difficult decisions and not easy. You have to take into consideration, your own health and that of your family, especially if children are home. My MIL lived with us until she passed with alzheimers, incontinent - adult diapers - are a lifesaver and walking problems. So I understand all the problems that go along with caretaking in the home. Just need to make decision that is best for all concerned.

Leslie, no one opens their home to a disabled parent because we think it will be trendy, or fun. Talk to your husband about what would happen to dad if you don't step up to help. Look at the world through your spouse's eyes. Then take a look through your father-in-law's eyes. Is it a huge imposition on you? Yes. Do you have a tremendous amount to learn through trial and error? Yes again. Will it strain your marriage? Not if you all do it for the right reason. You are taking on your FIL to help your husband. He should appreciate this a lot. The gift you give your husband should bring gifts to you; not presents--love offerings. Putting the love in your marriage front and center, if everyone does the work, will improve your marriage, your quality of life, your husband's and your father-in-law's. It's a huge job, but it has a huge payoff. I know. I've been giving care, assistance and/or support to my disabled wife, mother-in-law, mother, step-dad and oldest brother for 17 years, and it's the hardest, most brutal, best thing that ever happened to me. Good luck. God Bless You.