Are we caregiving too much for our parent(s)?

Yes, we caregive too much. No, your parents are not in denial. Nor do they want you to live your life. They want you to simply live your life "their way." Which means they make their choices and you sacrifice for them, upholding their facade of independence. They say they'll manage because they will. With you. The way it has been for five years. {{big hugs to you}}

This is the story of my life. They say they'll manage but they'll really cajole, guilt, and manipulate things to keep you where they want you. And as an only child, I bore the brunt of that.

And yeah, the VA may help but only if the ADLs are not met and they are home bound. As long as they don't need help eating, dressing, bathing/toileting, the VA considers them independent and encourages them to stay "in home."

When my dad turned 90, he told me the best thing about being old is no one could tell you what to do. You could do what you wanted until circumstances put you somewhere else.

And a year and a half later, that's just where my relationship with him is. He lives "independently" until his independence lands him needing skilled care or he can now longer perform ADLs. In my case that may be sooner than later: I run my butt off ('tho literally and sadly it's not getting smaller) handling everything for him, making sure he's healthy and safe, only to get a text finding out he's been 30 feet up on an extension ladder scraping paint off a gutter! Yes, I have someone to paint in the fall, but he "just wanted to do it and didn't have any problems."

It infuriates me to know how much I have sacrificed for my parents the last 10 years, especially the last year and a half with my dad to have him cavalierly make decisions like climbing an extension ladder. Yes, we caregive far too much.

Yes, indeed. These days we are. Advanced medical technology and pharmas have increased life expectancy quite a bit. What was once a few years of caregiving has now become a decade or more. We are allowing ourselves to think it will be like it was when we were kids (at least if you are of the baby-boomer generation) with an elder living a few years at home with attentive family members surrounding them. When there was a major physical crisis, then they went to the nursing home where professional care was. The decisions, labors, and tears were then out of our hands for the most part and that was ok --- THAT's what we've got to understand. We do not have to be a substitute for a nursing home/assisted living environment! We have been tricked into thinking it will be brief and beautiful with lots of happy memories. Sorry folks, it's been 19 years, there is only one happy memory and I coordinated it. I have to jump through hoops to keep a bitter elder happy and safe. She will not agree to end of life decisions and because of this she gets taken to the ER with all the medical stuff done to her. She doesn't want it but won't be adult enough to make the arrangements. She is considered competent because she can recite her birthdate and a few other facts. She practices these before her doc appt so that no "competency" issues are asked. Other important issues, she could care less -- others better make sure they drop everything and do them for her or there is hell to pay. 19 years is too long, too many years of asking if she'd like to do some nice things and she'd say no, maybe some other time. When I'm back to work, then I get the phone call that NOW she wants to do something -- she does it to pull my chain -- she knows I've just used my vacation time. Anyway -- back to topic. The ER events, the must-fix now, the appointments, the drives, the dinners.... years and years and not appreciated. Oh, and the hazardous things they do -- my elder is an alcoholic; there are a lot of scary moments. No, it is not worth it to turn your life inside out. I thought it would be about 3 years and it's been 19 for her as a widow. Before that she was still high-maintenance, but I didn't have to carry a load of "to-dos" in my head every single day because dad was there. Folks, don't get tricked like some of us do. We try at first because we think we are doing the right thing. Talk with an elder planning specialist about many things before you commit to doing it on your own.

Onlee, my father tells me the same thing: "You worry too much." I tell him I have to because he doesn't!

At age 91 my father was also up on a ladder, in a garage, removing fluorescent fixtures. He had one foot on my car and the other on the very top of the ladder. Given that the fluorescents were being removed, there was no other light. Garage door had to be shut because it was January.

I thought I'd have a "cardiac event" before he finally got down safely.

He repeatedly told me he learned to do tasks like that safely. Standing on the top of the ladder (not the rung, but the ladder itself) is not doing something safely.

My father too exercises, on a limited level, but that doesn't reverse 95 years of life and physical degeneration.

It's taken years for me to control the anxiety he generates.

Honestly though guys can you ever imagine "us" being like this one day? so stubborn thinking we can do it all? i dont have kids but i think id quite like to be in nice NH than bothering to shuffle around and do things when im old and crappy! as long as theres a bar and sky Tv i think id rather be in a NH than living on my own not coping. Well who knows? I just cant imagine me wanting to be old and crappy living on my own and not wanting help?

You know, we caregive so much we don't maybe know when to stop trying to fix what isn't broken yet, & worry about our own lives that may be (like mine) totally in need of repairs! blou

bloujeanbaby, how right you are.... I know my life needs fixing. My parents are healthier than I am, they get to sleep through the night. What is wrong with this picture?

Onlee, it's good to read that someone else has a father who insists on doing things he shouldn't. Not that it's good that they do it, but it's comforting to know that others are dealing with the same delusion that men in the 90's can still do what they did in their earlier years.

Oh my gosh Onlee and GardenArtist, what is it with ladders and these guys... my Dad does the same thing, too. All these Mr. Fixer Uppers who still think they are in their 40's and 50's, who don't want to spend money hiring someone. I feel like hiding all the ladders.

bloujeanbaby, I know exactly what you mean. But the guilt has rented space my head and I can't seem to evict it.... example, today my Mom needed a new battery for her watch and she didn't want me to take it where I usually get our watches fixed.... went someplace new.... the cost was doubled, so now I am so worried she is going to complain when I give her the watch and the receipt. I will probably lay awake thinking about it tonight. I am trying so hard to shake the guilt feelings. I keep telling myself, it's just a watch, and I can easily give my Mom the cash for the repair. She and Dad sometimes still think stuff cost the same as it did in 1970's, and they are shocked when they get the bills.

I've gain some new confidence after being on this website. Gained some fears, too, about what will be next coming down the road. I just need to keep putting one step in front of the other.

I agree with pamstegman about finding a caseworker for them. In the meantime before you move, you could try "backing off" on the help as long as they are still safe to let your dad see that he truly does need help. If and when he does realize this, you can then have a heart to heart talk about how much it would help YOU to know they were being looked after and cared for when you move. Sometimes taking the focus off of them and putting in on yourself helps them not be so defensive. Kudos to you for all you have done for them! We always take for granted those who we love the most. (( ))'s!