Has caregiving contributed to the loss of your marriage?

My father is 86 and has vascular dementia with Parkinson's. I moved in with him about two years ago and was not prepared to experience such heartache and pain. My husband and I try to maintain our marriage through it all and have learned how to adapt and cope with all of the issues associated with this type of mental impairment. I can tell you it has not been a happy or easy time for us at all. In the bible there is a passage that describes how Christ can sweeten the bitter experiences in life. If it were not for my faith and my husband, I would have never made it.

I sometimes feel like my husband is jealous, like the attention is taken away from him, especially during social hour from 5pm to 6pm. If he does not have the floor always, he is irritated and rolls his eyes. I find that quite annoying and terribly selfish.

Yes in my case being a caregiver for my dad who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's did destroy my marriage over time. When my dad came to live with us he was in the early stages of the disease, now that he is Stage 6 and over time I've had to spend more and more time with my dad. He has been with me for 6yrs now and I knew nothing of Alzheimer's when he came, but with help from outside people (not family) I learned. He was in and out of the hospital for 2 strokes and then had surgery for an ostomy. That required more of my time and I could tell with each time he would get jealous because I had to take care of him. I knew my husband was the jealous type, but never thought he would become like that while I helped my dad. I felt like I was being torn in 2 directions and trying to hold on to my sanity at the same time, but never once was the man that I married there to help me. Not even go to the doctor appointments with me. If my dad fell down I had to pick him up. I felt so alone and asking God why me. Well 6 years later and No husband now, my dad is still with me and will until God calls him home with my mom. When you ever come across the same thing and notice from jump that there is resentment, then it's time to look at who's more important. God has been there for me and because of all that I learned I was granted a Pell grant to go to school to become a nurse. That's why God chose me. My calling is to become a nurse. Caregiving is hard and trying, but my dad was a wonderful father and he deserves the best I can give him and I will never leave him for anyone. If a man comes into my life and can't understand then hit the bricks, cause there's one out there maybe 5 yrs from now, but there is a man out there for me and he will be there like a true man should be. Remember if it wasn't for our parents we wouldn't be here, so when they need you be there.

During the first month or so of my Mother moving in with us, my husband bit his tongue to no end, and instead of us fighting, I understand his frustration with stuff that she does, so he tenderly tells her in a joking fashion of the things she does that irritates him, and she is not aware of those things, so now that she knows, she steers in a different direction and complies., i.e., pick up after yourself, make your own coffee, don't expect, expect, expect to be waited upon, say good morning when you walk by, acknowledge someone's presence, etc. I could go on, but the point is she lived alone for 8 years and did not have any social skills, and now she is re-learning them and actually is in a better mood and feeling more uplifted. I don't know the last time when someone actually cared about what she had to say, and now that we listen, she is excited and happy and acts really young.

I don't think the in-law moving is the problem. Maybe, there was no conversation or discussion before hand. That would upset me if things were already on the outs. Sometimes, there are people that we marry who are more takers than givers. If caregiving is a possibility, better make sure you married a giver, etc. and there are discussions, a meeting of the minds and so on, before hand. Otherwise, expect trouble. Everyone's lives change.

I think it depends on the specific situation. One friend went through his MIL living with them, but said she was "delightful" and clearly had a long, good relationship to help get through the tough times - and his wife quit working to be there for her mother. In my case, we married in middle age, the little history my husband has with my mother is not good and she is a very stressful person to start with, so we have agreed she will not live with us. We both work very demanding jobs and have little enough time together. The large amount of time I send on Mom has already made my DH feel like he comes second in my life (and this was the case before dementia bc she has always been so needy), so I don't think it would be fair to him to ask him to give up any more of our life for a difficult and self-centered woman with many needs.

No. I would not choose my Mother over my husband. She would not have chosen me over her husband (s). It may sound harsh, but I can't imagine throwing away a marriage to take care of someone. I have no experience in care taking. My mother is thriving in the NH.

Caregiving can definitely strain a relationship. My husband and I are undergoing an unwilling separation. He went to be with his Dad as he died of pancreatic cancer. We had also decided we would move there when he graduated from college. He's staying there and I'm still here caring for my Dad who has Alz. and cancer. My husband is supportive of me caring for my Dad, but 1200 miles is torture. We are so lonely for each other and so tired of this separation. I saw him at Christmas, but we can't afford frequent visits. We both go up and down between resigned/supportive and depressed/angry. My faith in God is being shaken along with my marriage being strained. Caregiving is not for wimps - you need courage, support, and more strength than you imagine is possible. Good luck to you and God bless us all.

It seems like me and my husband have been through it all and we've already survived. Caregiving is just another feather in our hat and so far we have managed to survive. It's not the fact that it has been tough on our marriage, but caregiving is the toughest thing ever to go through. We have NO life except the company of each other. Mom has been with us almost 3 years and each day gets tougher, but we manage to survive. Trust me caregiving will definitely test a marriage to the limits! We try to laugh off the "funny" things Mom does, but then again, they are not funny, just sad. But, it is one more thing to make you stronger. Prayers and Love to all caregivers out there. It's a rough life, but can either make you stronger or weaker. I have chosen stronger, by the hardest!

I found my Fiance used Mom as an excuse a lot but in the long run It was a favor, a sign of his character!!! Glad I saw his true colors before I moved in and married him. Sometimes being alone sucks but I am happy as I have no one creating unnessecary drama in our life..there will be time later for someone when time and person is right...I have learned so many lessons caregiving, I will not allow unhappiness in our life..the best lesson of all I will carry thru the rest of my life!!!

If your cousin's marriage was already troubled I doubt if the mother's arrival caused the break up. They were probably already at the point of breaking up anyway. A lasting marriage would be able to accommodate the change. We have tons of marriages failing and I doubt if most of them are from caregiving.
Generally people just shouldn't have gotten married in the first place--often to
unlike.

Elizabeth

No, if anything, it's making our marriage stronger.
I chose to marry my husband, Bob (rather than another handsome fellow named John) 33 years ago because he was strong in painful situations. I was in college when my brother died at the age of 26, and it was my friend Bob who held me when I sobbed and then rocked me to sleep that night. The next morning, Bob drove back to my place from across town, helped me pack, picked up my airline tickets, withdrew $200 from his bank account so I'd have spending money, drove me to the airport and then walked me to the gate. He was also standing there when I returned.
My boyfriend, John, who was told my brother died before I heard the news, never even called me. When I called him and asked him why he bolted, he said "I didn't know what to say."
We all have acquaintances who can't handle life's lowest moments and highest hurdles. They may be great when life's a party, but they're not the best marriage material.
Bob is STILL my stalwart supporter and shield. Are we tested and tried on a daily basis having my mom living in our home? YOU BET! He retired in December. Now, in the time of our lives we thought we'd be spending weekends on the beach or traveling, we go nowhere together and feel tied down. He may mumble at times, but he's not bolting.
John, most likely, would have moved out by now.

Do you know that scene in Indiana Jones ,where he has to have faith and walk across the abyss in seemingly thin air? ... That's how I feel.
my mom is nuts and in pain, my siblings won't help, my relationship has not talked to me in 5 months. I'm trying to reach the other end of this passage without falling.

Yes, i am finding out who my allies are, and aren't, when the shit hits the fan.
At least now I know what I am made of... and yes, I'm tired, and really pissed off, but I am proud of myself.
I'm just doing the best I can, and you know what? if what's his name leaves me because I'm taking care of my sick parent, then good riddance.
Now there will be room for some new fresh air in my life.

As a culture we do not support caregiving. We lose our social network because no one wants to hear our caregiving battles. Tv is about looking younger and doing stuff for yourself--the polar opposite of caregiving. I am grateful of i have time to use the bathroom, my clothes are not ironed and who had time orenergy for makeup. So if you put all these issues together keeping a marriage going is not easy. However my husband treats my parents as if they were his, but we have been together a long time with a lot of faith.

I made up my mind early on that I would not sacrifice my marriage, health or sanity in the caregiving process. We had a few rough times while Mother was here but it wasn't because of her....it was the siblings; their behavior and lack of respect.

Yes. Oh yes. It is really hard to be a grown up spouse, lover, adult at the same time as being an adult child AND the parent to the declining parent all at the same time. Something has to give, and unfortunately the marriage is the casualty in too many cases. We nearly lost our marriage due to my husbands father moving in with us, and are still by now means out of the woods yet.