Has caregiving contributed to the loss of your marriage?

Yes. Oh yes. It is really hard to be a grown up spouse, lover, adult at the same time as being an adult child AND the parent to the declining parent all at the same time. Something has to give, and unfortunately the marriage is the casualty in too many cases. We nearly lost our marriage due to my husbands father moving in with us, and are still by now means out of the woods yet.

I made up my mind early on that I would not sacrifice my marriage, health or sanity in the caregiving process. We had a few rough times while Mother was here but it wasn't because of her....it was the siblings; their behavior and lack of respect.

As a culture we do not support caregiving. We lose our social network because no one wants to hear our caregiving battles. Tv is about looking younger and doing stuff for yourself--the polar opposite of caregiving. I am grateful of i have time to use the bathroom, my clothes are not ironed and who had time orenergy for makeup. So if you put all these issues together keeping a marriage going is not easy. However my husband treats my parents as if they were his, but we have been together a long time with a lot of faith.

Do you know that scene in Indiana Jones ,where he has to have faith and walk across the abyss in seemingly thin air? ... That's how I feel.
my mom is nuts and in pain, my siblings won't help, my relationship has not talked to me in 5 months. I'm trying to reach the other end of this passage without falling.

Yes, i am finding out who my allies are, and aren't, when the shit hits the fan.
At least now I know what I am made of... and yes, I'm tired, and really pissed off, but I am proud of myself.
I'm just doing the best I can, and you know what? if what's his name leaves me because I'm taking care of my sick parent, then good riddance.
Now there will be room for some new fresh air in my life.

No, if anything, it's making our marriage stronger.
I chose to marry my husband, Bob (rather than another handsome fellow named John) 33 years ago because he was strong in painful situations. I was in college when my brother died at the age of 26, and it was my friend Bob who held me when I sobbed and then rocked me to sleep that night. The next morning, Bob drove back to my place from across town, helped me pack, picked up my airline tickets, withdrew $200 from his bank account so I'd have spending money, drove me to the airport and then walked me to the gate. He was also standing there when I returned.
My boyfriend, John, who was told my brother died before I heard the news, never even called me. When I called him and asked him why he bolted, he said "I didn't know what to say."
We all have acquaintances who can't handle life's lowest moments and highest hurdles. They may be great when life's a party, but they're not the best marriage material.
Bob is STILL my stalwart supporter and shield. Are we tested and tried on a daily basis having my mom living in our home? YOU BET! He retired in December. Now, in the time of our lives we thought we'd be spending weekends on the beach or traveling, we go nowhere together and feel tied down. He may mumble at times, but he's not bolting.
John, most likely, would have moved out by now.

If your cousin's marriage was already troubled I doubt if the mother's arrival caused the break up. They were probably already at the point of breaking up anyway. A lasting marriage would be able to accommodate the change. We have tons of marriages failing and I doubt if most of them are from caregiving.
Generally people just shouldn't have gotten married in the first place--often to
unlike.

Elizabeth

I found my Fiance used Mom as an excuse a lot but in the long run It was a favor, a sign of his character!!! Glad I saw his true colors before I moved in and married him. Sometimes being alone sucks but I am happy as I have no one creating unnessecary drama in our life..there will be time later for someone when time and person is right...I have learned so many lessons caregiving, I will not allow unhappiness in our life..the best lesson of all I will carry thru the rest of my life!!!

It seems like me and my husband have been through it all and we've already survived. Caregiving is just another feather in our hat and so far we have managed to survive. It's not the fact that it has been tough on our marriage, but caregiving is the toughest thing ever to go through. We have NO life except the company of each other. Mom has been with us almost 3 years and each day gets tougher, but we manage to survive. Trust me caregiving will definitely test a marriage to the limits! We try to laugh off the "funny" things Mom does, but then again, they are not funny, just sad. But, it is one more thing to make you stronger. Prayers and Love to all caregivers out there. It's a rough life, but can either make you stronger or weaker. I have chosen stronger, by the hardest!

Caregiving can definitely strain a relationship. My husband and I are undergoing an unwilling separation. He went to be with his Dad as he died of pancreatic cancer. We had also decided we would move there when he graduated from college. He's staying there and I'm still here caring for my Dad who has Alz. and cancer. My husband is supportive of me caring for my Dad, but 1200 miles is torture. We are so lonely for each other and so tired of this separation. I saw him at Christmas, but we can't afford frequent visits. We both go up and down between resigned/supportive and depressed/angry. My faith in God is being shaken along with my marriage being strained. Caregiving is not for wimps - you need courage, support, and more strength than you imagine is possible. Good luck to you and God bless us all.

No. I would not choose my Mother over my husband. She would not have chosen me over her husband (s). It may sound harsh, but I can't imagine throwing away a marriage to take care of someone. I have no experience in care taking. My mother is thriving in the NH.

I think it depends on the specific situation. One friend went through his MIL living with them, but said she was "delightful" and clearly had a long, good relationship to help get through the tough times - and his wife quit working to be there for her mother. In my case, we married in middle age, the little history my husband has with my mother is not good and she is a very stressful person to start with, so we have agreed she will not live with us. We both work very demanding jobs and have little enough time together. The large amount of time I send on Mom has already made my DH feel like he comes second in my life (and this was the case before dementia bc she has always been so needy), so I don't think it would be fair to him to ask him to give up any more of our life for a difficult and self-centered woman with many needs.

I don't think the in-law moving is the problem. Maybe, there was no conversation or discussion before hand. That would upset me if things were already on the outs. Sometimes, there are people that we marry who are more takers than givers. If caregiving is a possibility, better make sure you married a giver, etc. and there are discussions, a meeting of the minds and so on, before hand. Otherwise, expect trouble. Everyone's lives change.

During the first month or so of my Mother moving in with us, my husband bit his tongue to no end, and instead of us fighting, I understand his frustration with stuff that she does, so he tenderly tells her in a joking fashion of the things she does that irritates him, and she is not aware of those things, so now that she knows, she steers in a different direction and complies., i.e., pick up after yourself, make your own coffee, don't expect, expect, expect to be waited upon, say good morning when you walk by, acknowledge someone's presence, etc. I could go on, but the point is she lived alone for 8 years and did not have any social skills, and now she is re-learning them and actually is in a better mood and feeling more uplifted. I don't know the last time when someone actually cared about what she had to say, and now that we listen, she is excited and happy and acts really young.

Yes in my case being a caregiver for my dad who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's did destroy my marriage over time. When my dad came to live with us he was in the early stages of the disease, now that he is Stage 6 and over time I've had to spend more and more time with my dad. He has been with me for 6yrs now and I knew nothing of Alzheimer's when he came, but with help from outside people (not family) I learned. He was in and out of the hospital for 2 strokes and then had surgery for an ostomy. That required more of my time and I could tell with each time he would get jealous because I had to take care of him. I knew my husband was the jealous type, but never thought he would become like that while I helped my dad. I felt like I was being torn in 2 directions and trying to hold on to my sanity at the same time, but never once was the man that I married there to help me. Not even go to the doctor appointments with me. If my dad fell down I had to pick him up. I felt so alone and asking God why me. Well 6 years later and No husband now, my dad is still with me and will until God calls him home with my mom. When you ever come across the same thing and notice from jump that there is resentment, then it's time to look at who's more important. God has been there for me and because of all that I learned I was granted a Pell grant to go to school to become a nurse. That's why God chose me. My calling is to become a nurse. Caregiving is hard and trying, but my dad was a wonderful father and he deserves the best I can give him and I will never leave him for anyone. If a man comes into my life and can't understand then hit the bricks, cause there's one out there maybe 5 yrs from now, but there is a man out there for me and he will be there like a true man should be. Remember if it wasn't for our parents we wouldn't be here, so when they need you be there.

I sometimes feel like my husband is jealous, like the attention is taken away from him, especially during social hour from 5pm to 6pm. If he does not have the floor always, he is irritated and rolls his eyes. I find that quite annoying and terribly selfish.

My father is 86 and has vascular dementia with Parkinson's. I moved in with him about two years ago and was not prepared to experience such heartache and pain. My husband and I try to maintain our marriage through it all and have learned how to adapt and cope with all of the issues associated with this type of mental impairment. I can tell you it has not been a happy or easy time for us at all. In the bible there is a passage that describes how Christ can sweeten the bitter experiences in life. If it were not for my faith and my husband, I would have never made it.

I just have to add spouse/partner, family or friend I agree when It comes to taking on this CG responsibility and s%^t hits the fan as mentioned above you really find out who your true supporters are and who is just hot air and say things to make them feel or look good!!

My husband of 5 years and I have taken on caring for my mom in a retirement home 15 min. Away. She is far worse, mentally than I imagined. She called me today to come over and find her some underpants. I bought her new ones recently and they weren't where I thought they were. I think most are in with her laundry, which she hasn't given to them in a couple weeks. (I am guessing)
I cleaned out her dresser drawers and brought her winter things home with me so only what she needed is visible. I spent 4 hours with her yesterday and hoped to be with my husband today, but still spent two hours with her. I feel like my husband wished I could stay home today also. I'm hoping my caregiving doesn't come between us, But am also determined to not let that happen. She can't afford a NH. she gets $1188. a month from SS. A nice NH here in St. Louis is $3,000 to $6000.00. We are helping to pay for her rent now to make her savings last longer.
One day at a time.

Joycews, you have probably picked up on the differences in these comments. The ones caregiving with the loved one in a NH, ALF or retirement home are more likely to see caregiving as no threat to their marriages. Those caregiving in their home or living in the loved one's home are more likely to have serious, marriage threatening issues. That makes sense. Privacy, uninterrupted time with the partner, stress levels, boundries for all involved would be bigger issues for those who do their caregiving in their home. The lesson is, if the marriage is shaky or becomes shaky in the course of caregiving, put the loved one in some other living situation. Does that sound about right?

Absolutely true. My mom and I have even talked about us not being happy living together. She agreed. She may not feel that 3-5 days a week doing her bidding,
But she doesn't want to cause marriage problems. She had been thin most of her life and is now 20 pounds under a good weight, but says she doesn't get hungry. The only time she eats good is when I go and entertain her while she eats. We would bicker and fuss and disagree about everything if she lived with me. (where do you go, who did you see, why were you gone so long, you left me alone too long. Etc.). To do this right I need to find someone who will visit her twice a day or at least once a day. She keeps messing up her night meds and taking them morning and night. I call and discribe which ones and what day it is and she STILL takes the wrong one. She can't keep it clear to follow the days on the pill box. She has a morning box and one with NIGHT in big letters. Can't get it right when I open the box and say take the ones I'm the open box.
We've come a very long way in 5 months, but had a year of trying to get her moved closer to me. She needed it far worse than we could see just visiting one or twice a WEEK. Every story is unique.

I would have to say YES to this question. Although my situation is a little different the end out come cost me. I had to move 700 miles away to care for my only sibling, my sister who had terminal cancer. Although I came back home on occassion for a short stay my husband was alone. My sister passed away Jan.19 2012, I spent almost two years up there with her. I returned home March 2012 after things were complete, not knowing that there was anything wrong my husband passed away May 14 2012 of an anuerism. Yes it cost me dearly and I was on a very emotional roller coaster. I am just now getting my feet up underneath of me. I have no regrets for taking care of my sister, however my guilt lies with having to leave my husband for so long and then to lose him all together. But we have to live with our life choices for the good or bad.

angelwhyspers, I'm so sorry for both your losses. It is very tough to feel like you need to be in two places at once. There is no good solution and no end to the guilt no matter what you decide. May you find peace and comfort. God bless you.

ANY relationship dysfunction or problems that existed prior to bringing any other person needing caregiving, into the home to caretake, at any level,
....will add greater strains/stresses to the partnership.
The stresses of having a dysfunctional other person in the home, just ratchets up stress--sometimes really epically.

IF your partner has been a good one, ya might wanna consider -keeping- that partner, over your elder [if one or the other has to get out from under your roof].
IF your partner has been big or constant problems before your elder moved in under your roof, -maybe- it's time to let the dysfunctional partner go.

Caretaking can be traumatic to the caregiver, yet might still end up a good thing. OTH, sometimes getting the elder moved OUT from under your roof, --no matter how traumatic the move-out is--can be a real blessing .

The experience of caretaking, whether under your roof, or while elder is in a facility or their home, always provides lessons.
And as someone mentioned above, caregiving -REALLY- lets the caregiver know, without any doubts, who their true allies are!

Seems like, the greater and longer an elder has dysfunctional before needing any level of caretaking, MAY be a predictor of how screwed up the family members get, over issues that develop during caretaking that elder.
For "special" elders, who have actively avoided being diagnosed or properly assisted all their lives, ---their adult kids REALLY need to stick together---,
or that elder WILL shred whatever's left of family relations.
Unfortunately, those will likely be the adult kids who fail most, to be supportive of each other;
they have been adversely affected by the disturbed parent[s] all their lives--and lack some or all functional family skills themselves: these become easiest targets for a dysfunctional elder messing their minds and emotions.
By the time [IF] those adult kids figure out what the elder has been doing
--IF they ever do---it's too late---they either point at one or more siblings believing it's their fault,
or, one or more will separate from the rest, to protect themselves from further harm from siblings who believed lies their elder told---
Dysfunctional Elders often do ANYTHING to keep control over things; consequences of their words and actions never occur to them,
OR, they are so anguished /guilty at their own inability to control their own behaviors, that they cannot admit to anyone what they did--which blocks any reconciliation happening.
Then it gets to be too late.

Moral of story? Put legal and other ducks in a row -before- needs arise.
Waiting for a crisis to happen to handle things then, makes a bad situation so much worse.

My heart goes out to you who have had to be separated from your partners, to provide caregiving. Caregiving is hard enough, with 2 adults to share the load!

Please be gentle with you--you had no way of knowing how things might turn out at any given time---all we can ever do, is make the best choices we can in the moment, to do the best we can at that time.
None of us know, exactly, how those choices will turn out--only, that we did the best we knew, then.
There's no wrong in making the best decisions you could at any given time.
No guilt!
The best we can do is hold each other gently in our hearts, unconditionally & compassionately, whether together or apart, & no matter how far apart.

{{hugs!}}

I was divorced already when I began this journey, but I can tell you that I would not have been able to do this and be married at the same time. This job is all consuming and I do not know any man who would be willing to be neglected all the time. I feel horrible that my daughter has had to put up with it and still does.

my marriage blew up 14 yrs ago and it did have a little to do with caregiving. i was on a hepc treatment that for all the world felt like someone was pulling the marrow right out of my bones. as i sat in the middle of the bedroom floor rubbibing my own legs my ex sat on the bed glaring holes thru me. i decided at that point that she was an uncaring shunt. only later i learned she had a crank habit and was boning everyone in the immediate vicinity. no sour grapes here, im better off without her dishonest ass but man i needed some caregiving at that time and that alone was enough to wipe our shaky marriage out..

My husband helps his parents but inadequately and apathetically. It turns out that my husband's true colors are that he avoids problems, is not good in crises, and is lazy. He's depressed. His father thinks my husband is taking advantage of him. I have been very supportive but my attempts to help have been rebuffed.
My marriage might have fallen apart anyway but the caregiving situation has not helped it.

My friend married her fiance despite knowing that his mother, who has Alzheimer's, lived with him.

Been remarried 5 years, (both widowed for years). He had his mil for 30 years! ,before wife and mil died months apart. My parents had an apt in my home, I assured him I had no intention of having her live with us EVER. She had agreed.
She is now in senior living. Only short come is no help with meds. Even tho I call in the mornings, seperate the morning from evening meds she frequently gets it wrong and sleeps all day. But I'm so thankful I don't have the 24/7 care. She won't hardly do anything for herself even there, so I still do a lot for her.

Captain - what a shunt she must have been, and dumb, too, not to appreciate you.