Anyone have a caregiving assistant who WON'T go away? Advice?

Joycews- This is stalking and the woman sounds like she has some sort of mental problems. Call the police right now. File a report. Ask them to help you file a restraining order against her and if she violates it, you can call police and they will arrest her and she will face the judge. Also, ask the lawyer to file against the agency. They brought this unbalanced woman into your father in law's life. Do this right away. Women like this one can actually harm or kill him and maybe even get it in her head you are keeping him from her and try to kill you. Be safe! Call them now!!!

This woman is a wack-job. Period.

You should not contact her for any reason. Not to say 'thank you', not to say 'go to hell' and not to say 'leave us alone'. Call the police and file a report. Do not let your fear of a reprisal keep you from contacting the authorities. Whatever you're doing to stop this behavior is not working. Let the police handle it and share with them your fear of reprisals.

I am a home healthcare nurse and I work through an agency. Yes, we get close to some patients. It's the nature of the business but when I am done with a job because my patient is going into a nursing home or family is going to care for the patient I will SOMETIMES give my patient a kiss on the cheek and I wish the patient and their family luck. And with a warm and genuine smile I am out the door. Of course I still think about previous patients, how they're doing, etc. but I would never, EVER contact a previous patient or a family for any reason. I don't even have their phone numbers nor do they have mine. Everything is done through the agency. If I am running late I call my agency and they call the patient. The agency should always be the go-between between nurses and patients. There is such a thing as being over familiar. Just as a patient can sometimes cross a line if we've been working together for a long time, so can the nurse. This person obviously has a problem with boundaries and it's not your job to teach her--it's a job for the police. I cannot stress this enough.

As far as this loon trying to track down your FIL in a facility this is where the HIPPA law can come in handy. A facility should not be giving out information on your FIL and with this crazy bitch running around, tell any facility your FIL may be in what is going on so they can be extra vigilant.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Not all home health nurses are like this. I would complain, again, to her agency. If this is a reputable agency they will not want this loose cannon creeping around giving them a bad name. Email the agency your complaint so you have a record of it and call them to complain as well. Talk to the owner of the agency or whoever is the superior. I would also talk to the Director of Nursing at the agency. Rattle as many cages as you need to.

This is stalking and that's against the law. Please get the police involved. File a restraining order. Don't think a lunatic won't observe a restraining order, you never know. Plus, you want to take all steps available to you. You mean business and she needs to know that. You don't want to get down the road and have someone say "Why didn't you ever file a restraining order?"

Being a caregiver is difficult enough without having to deal with this. Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this. But be proactive! Make your boundaries and limits crystal clear. Good luck to you, Joyce, and keep us up to date.

I would go to the police. This could be called elder abuse, I think. Have them keep an eye out for her car. If your town is small enough they will do it. My husband had to fire a guy at his work -for putting cleaner in another workers coke- and he threatened my husband and his boss. He did it in such a way as not to be tracable. When they told the city police where the office is ( of big city ) they blew my husband and his boss off but when we told our local police ( small town) they were all over it and posted a cop at the end of our development for awhile.

We also told all the neighbors to be on the lookout for the car and the man. -well, the police came to our driveway and the neighbors were starring so we kinda felt like we had to tell them what was going on but it ended up making me feel better knowing they were looking as well. The kid-he was rather young, did not end up doing anything-Thank God-but I still worry though it has been years.

I would call the cops and I would document everything that this woman does that is weird. And try and get her taped if she calls.

This just is horrible that you and your father and family have to go through this. Please take this seriously. Good luck and keep us posted if you can

def call the cops!!!!

Joyce's, not to worry you further but you are right to be worried about filing an order of protection. But I think you should still do it but be very watchful during this time. Dr. Phil once said that a battered woman who leaves and files a straining order is at their most vulnerable then for being hurt in retaliation. Could be the same here. BUT I am a pretty suspicious person and I worry a lot but better to be overly cautious during this time than not.
If you are worried about your child take this person's picture up to your child's school and have them post it where all faculty can see and tell them she cannot enter the school! Schools are pretty locked down now anyway but just in case.
I think you need to file no matter the fears of retaliation but just be extra careful during that time. Most likely, though, any police involvement will scare her. Also , one must think about the other families she could be targeting. If you do not place her on notice with the agency she could harm others as well. Maybe she is already and would not know who filed the complaint? I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish I could be of some real help.

Heavens, no one has suggested talking with this woman - telling her explicitly that you have different caregivers now. Ask her why she thinks she should now be involved, or what she thought she meant to him. How long did she work with him, and was she the only one a the time, or were there others. And use kindness and just say that sounds sad, but tell her he has moved on. And if she continues then, tell her your father and you, as his family, want her to leave him alone. It can make such a difference to take a little time with someone - do you have any idea why she thinks she was special to him, or more so than some other caregiver? You can hear some of those things, and appreciate them, and just tell her thank you, maybe he was lucky to have her, but you have now moved on, and even if it may be hard (if she protests), it's the way it is now, and that you don't want to have to pursue it any further. Relationships happen during caregiving; misunderstandings happen and people are vulnerable. We need to learn, even if it's not the easiest, to set limits while also being direct, and curious, and listening - not have a closed mind that doesn't learn what's involved, and just call the police. Police should be a last resort, with understanding and care tried first.

Thanks Castle & Bonnie. We have learned additional information that this nurse was taking supplies to be used for my FIL and using them for other patients. The justification of why supplies needed to be shared we do not know but do know that these supplies were covered under insurance and my FIL had to pay out of pocket for additional supplies (we simply thought he was out, did not learn until recently they had been taken).
I was a volunteer for years at a retirement facility. I would have never dreamed to hunt a patient down or call other people in contact and demand answers.
My husband has expressed more than once his thanks and she even stated in a text message, "you are aware when his care transitions that I will no longer be his nurse?" He affirmed yes and thanked her again.
One of my FIL's additional workers informed us that she has been contacted one too many times, is feeling threatened and will be looking for a way to block her calls. We are possibly going to lose a good helper due to this emotionally challeged behavior.
My husband said that the last thing he should have to worry about at this time is holding her hand through this. If she is that emotionally fragile, I question her ability to stay in her profession. I do understand the attachment that forms but if this was any other profession (e.g. a teacher, police officer, employee at a hospital that could not let go of a person in their care) it would begin to raise eyebrows.
If she had not responded after nicely being told he is safe and well-cared for, "I am going to track him down because I HAVE to see him" then maybe our responses would had been different if she had just said, "wish you guys the best and tell him I said, "hello."
We have spoken to the person in partial charge of his care at the hospital and they were very concerned over this and encouraged us to contact police if her erratic behavior continues. They said it is a shame family has to be put through this.

Joyce,
With this additional information about the supplies being taken you really should get the hospital to step up the efforts to help you address the agency. This could well be considered medicare fraud. The agency is clearly liable and I'd be surprised if they condone this at all.
Get the hospital administration/social services/whatever, involved ASAP. Be kind and non-judgmental, just give them the facts as you know them which should include the strange "interest" in your FIL. Maybe the fact that your FIL is frightened of her/her family could be stressed.
Was your FIL in his own home before this hospitalization? Was she always coming to his home? Was he in AL? Sometimes the staff will borrow" personal care items when needed, but they are supposed to keep track and return the items.
Frankly, I don't think this is a police matter right now. You need to go through the hospital and nursing agency before the trip to the police. Document, document, document which includes any photos, statements from those who have been telling you about the nurse asking and pressing for information on your FIL. If you do have a meeting or talk with any one in authority or whatever about this problem...send a follow up email or note just to state what you talked about. Nothing is worse than thinking you have a verbal understanding only to find out later the understanding was not the same. So if you ask the hospital Social Services dept. to help your FIL in regards to the fear he has of the nurse/stalker...write it down and send to the person you spoke with.
Your family does not need this extra stress but going right to the police without more information may get you brushed off.
Unless, you have a pal in the police force that could intimidate her on the side!

Oh, and make sure you have sent her a registered letter thanking her for the service she provided ___date to ____ date through the __________ agency. Then say you have been concerned about the continued intrusion into your family at this difficult time so we ask you to not contact your family ...or something like that. don't be a vague as I've been. Send copy to agency, too.
Give it a chance? If she continues to pester your family, then you have to take further steps.
Let us know what progress you are making.
If she takes the mail out of the box, she is liable for great damage thru the USPS as she is violating those laws, too.
Gosh, good luck!
Bonnie

Document everything this "nurse" does, either by photos or paperwork. Tell her once in a certified letter to leave him alone and leave your family alone. Make photocopies of this letter. Send a copy to the agency. Go to your local domestic violence center for assistance, such as Your Sister type place. Then get a restraining order through the police and the courts. Notify the nurses association in your state after you have the restraining order. Have security notified where he is living as to the problem. It could be that she is a nurse imposter like in Seattle and Billings, MT. Now is not the time to be Nice.

@Castle -- hi, yes my FIL has not only asked her not to come by but to make matters worse -- she 100% knows that his caregiving needs has changed because she was the person who got her boss to sign paperwork for his care to go in another direction. I had mentioned in my original post that she had contacted my FIL and he asked her not to come over and that she is aware he had a new caregiving situation. It has been this way now for 4-5 weeks.
My husband has thanked her more than once for her help as the cargiving relationship was ending.
No, she was not his only caregiver. He was receiving help from another person at the agency (who could stay on and medicare pay, but this person could not because another group took over), four people from the new group, a friend and my husband.
As she was sitting in his driveway today, she flagged down a woman who lived not far from my FIL and who was helping him. She was pushy and insistant she be told an update. The lady assured her that he was being taken care of, his family is wanting privacy and that his home is being maintained by his son.
It was later this evening we learned she has taken it upon herself to being walking into health care facilities to see if my FIL is there.
She has brought her husband at one point to see my FIL on one of her visits and it upset him and he asked she not return with him. She developed a habit of coming by apart from her scheduled time, so we were not present to know what happened. She also mentioned a relative that was coming to town that was being released from prison and my FIL being elderly and easy to shake-up from numerous health problems got in his mind she was intending to bring this man with her as she had her husband. It took him the rest of the night to calm down.
She has not been his caregiver for years and being from an agency, she should have lots of patients to currently see and take care of.
I simply cannot understand why a person who is told 1) the patient is fine, 2) you are no longer their caregiver (you set up the entire switch remember) and 3) knowing without a shadow of a doubt that the family is requesting privacy anyone with even a small amount of compassion would put a family through this. Her "relationship" was as a paid provider through Medicare.