How to deal with family member who came to visit her mother once in awhile, and advising me how to approach her?


I'm hired caregiver has been over 4 years for 93(w/f) has 5 children.... One of her daughter came see her almost every days and I get along with her very well!! But now I do have 2nd thought. Why? out of town daughter (OTD)called me " You should not tell my C/her mother about her passed parents" that makes her mother sad.... Because I keep the logs when I'm with her and report all our activities (most of the time good things not she had bad behavior) I fell I don't have to please with them but I do like to have good relationship, I told her daughter that it's not anything wrong to tell her real story of her parent's passed about over (father 50 years ago, Mother 25 years ago).....My C couldn't remember what I said to her, I just don't like myself for apologize to C's daughter, but I did...... OTD is Speech Therapist, she is advising me to how to approach Dementia mother?

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I agree that there's no reason to spoil good memories with "facts." You sound like a fantastic caregiver who really cares but you weren't in her family for years so you can genuinely say "I'm not certain where they are" or something similar when they talk about someone who you know died years ago.

It's true that the family, or whoever pays you, directs the care. You are to be admired for trying to get along with them for everyone's sake. It's too bad you can't be cloned.
Take care,
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I'm sure you are an experienced, compassionate caregiver who wants only the best for your charge, but family trumps paid help every time. Just smile and agree to what she wants, I'm sure there are lots of other things to talk about.
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Family members direct the care of their loved ones. No matter your intentions or experience, if family members ask you to avoid certain subjects, you should avoid them.
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What if the client brings the subject up?

I also sympathise with the point that the out of town Speech Therapist daughter isn't there to observe the caregiver's interaction with her mother and may not be the best judge of what will satisfy and reassure her in the moment.

But who's paying? Who is your de facto line manager? I'd ask that person for guidance whenever you come across any difficulties like this - with five children potentially chipping in, you're bound to get conflicting instructions sometimes.
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I can relate in a way...It is wonderful that their mom has such a loving caregiver as you..I can see that you are a blessing to the lady you are helping.

My thinking is along two lines, actually three..
First: continue to do what you have been doing about talking with the old lady about anything and everything.

Second : When family says don't talk about this or that, smile and say "of course."

Third: talk with her about school days when she was a child. Then when you write in the log book, you can write "We talked about a lot of things including her school day experiences when she was a child." In case you happened to talk about her long-deceased parents, you could choose to "forget" to write that in the log book...

In my opinion "forgetting" to write every single detail in the log book, or even hiding what is talked about is a good thing, so long as what you do talk about makes her happy..

Final thought: In my opinion it is NOT worth it to argue with family. Rather than seek out who is the boss among them for clear guidance, just take it all in stride, smile and say "ok" when family says this or that, continue to love on their mom, and be proud that you have such a good heart.

Grace + Peace.

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Ask the daughter who visits almost ever day to discuss this with her sister. As you said, their mother doesn't remember their deaths. Wow, 93. I am caring for my MIL who will soon be 88 and is beginning to have dementia. I don't know what we will face in the future.
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Thank you Jeanne, you are right... this type issue are "It's not my business" and no reason to explain to my C anyway... When I had since start working with her at the time most of the time my C could ask/tell me so many wonderful thing and her family history... but now she can able to say one or two word together.... actually I did surprise my C said " I would like to go see my Daddy" ...I would use my common sense to keep my C happy. and her family also.
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Churchmouse brings up a good point. When there are several family members involved it may not be possible to please all of them. Turn to the person who hired you for guidance.

OTD is Speech Therapist, and they often deal with persons with dementia, because dementia affects speech and the ability to swallow. She may have had considerable training in handling dementia issues. And she may have done reading and attended seminars, etc. since her mother was diagnosed. You cannot dismiss her concerns on the grounds that she is "only a speech therapist."

It may surprise you to learn that avoiding the topic of a loved one's death is often recommended by experts, including some on this forum. The person with dementia will not remember the explanation and it is painful at the time. Why cause pain for no reason? If the client brings it up, "Where is my mother?" change the subject or be evasive or flat out tell her something that will please her. "Your mother is enjoying herself today."

If you were taking care of my mother and I heard you were making her sad by insisting on telling her the "real story" of her parents death, I would first ask you to please stop. And if you continued I'd raise holy hell and try get you fired.

Sorry. But family gets to direct the approach taken to these kinds of topics.

You need to follow the guidance of the person who hired you. But keep in mind that other family members can influence that person.
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You can read the advice of one of our compassionate and experienced experts about this subject, here:
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If the person has dementia and thinks their parents are alive, telling them they are deceased would only cause more trauma. There is no use in telling them they are deceased because remember, this is a dementia patient you are dealing with. It just resurfaces unnecessary pain and trauma.
Follow the directions that the family gives as unpleasant as it might be.
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