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I'm hired caregiver has been over 4 years for 93(w/f) has 5 children.... One of her daughter came see her almost every days and I get along with her very well!! But now I do have 2nd thought. Why? out of town daughter (OTD)called me " You should not tell my C/her mother about her passed parents" that makes her mother sad.... Because I keep the logs when I'm with her and report all our activities (most of the time good things not she had bad behavior) I fell I don't have to please with them but I do like to have good relationship, I told her daughter that it's not anything wrong to tell her real story of her parent's passed about over (father 50 years ago, Mother 25 years ago).....My C couldn't remember what I said to her, I just don't like myself for apologize to C's daughter, but I did...... OTD is Speech Therapist, she is advising me to how to approach Dementia mother?

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gave me permission to do Q and A about C.
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Yes JoAnn, each time my C has a Dr's appointment I'm with my C, C's in town Daughter all of us in same room and her daughter gav ..... Dr THINKs my C has dementia....
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If client brings up a parent then allow them to talk if it doesn't upset them. Don't u bring up th subject. One thing u said is u don't tell them the "bad" things. You need to. If not u will have a problem if they or the doctor see a change and not be aware of it. There r good days and bad with Dementia. A doctor needs to know both to make an informed decision. Keep up the good work.
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STP: You're very welcome!
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Thank you everyone for nice suggestions to my post, yes I'm hired caregiver for my C. I have been in this business quite long time,it doesn't mean everything that I do know how to and/or what do... Thank you again!
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STP: It is not your call to inform your client that her parents have deceased. It is the out-of-town daughter's. You must abide by the out-of-town daughter's wishes.
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I must agree that in my experience continually telling someone that their loved ones are gone is stressful, can lead to anxiety, and if there are memory issues serves no purpose. Redirect your patient with the above suggestons and allow her to keep her fond memories alive. It is different if someone is insisting they be contacted etc. but that not being the case maybe spend more time reminising with her. It is an activity that brings most patients joy. Any healthcare professional will tell you that it is not always in the patients best interest to be continually told the in your face truth. That is not advocating lying but being the kind and gentle soul is sometimes the best avenue. The daughter in healthcare is, in my opionion, on the right track and has dealt with this issue many times. Step back and remember that you are, in fact, paid help and the family clearly gets to run the show unless they are being harmful to the patient. This should be a non issue. Best of luck and continue to be a patient advocate.
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Regardless of who is paying, why keep telling someone their loved ones are dead? I went through that with my aunt, and she would ask dozens of times during each visit, about multiple family members. Each time, it was like she was hearing it for the first time - she would be devastated, and want to know why no one told her so she could have attended the funeral. I can't even imagine receiving such devastating news over and over, like the movie Groundhog Day, which only causes confusion, pain and sadness. For what purpose? If she is losing her memory, all those reminders will not bring it back - it just causes misery. I remember my pastor asking me to help her when she visited a friend of mine who was caring for her sister, who was dying of cancer, with huge cysts all over her body. The sister would talk about all the things she wanted to do when she was better. The pastor kept saying "You know you are going to die, don't you, and you will never do those things again." I was horrified. In all her pain and at the end of her life, the only thing that made her life worth living was those comforting thoughts, no matter how unrealistic they were. Why take that away? Since that time, I learned that it is best to just assure them that everyone is all right, that they will be visiting in the near future, whatever it takes so they do not worry (after all, they will forget shortly after). Dementia, and all the other end of life ailments are cruel enough without adding more sorrow and pain, especially since there is no point in telling them the facts - it only causes confusion and pain, and you are there to help make her comfortable, not the opposite.
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My mom has advanced dementia - just change the subject if C asks about her parents. How did OTD even find out you told C about her passed parents? C might even get more confused if you change your story now - whether she remembers or not.
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If the person has dementia and thinks their parents are alive, telling them they are deceased would only cause more trauma. There is no use in telling them they are deceased because remember, this is a dementia patient you are dealing with. It just resurfaces unnecessary pain and trauma.
Follow the directions that the family gives as unpleasant as it might be.
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Mom is almost 96 (next month) with CNAs in the home 24/7. Over the last few years, we've noticed she frequently has dreams about the past including people who have long passed (mother, father, husband, siblings), and if she suddenly wakes out of a deep sleep, she thinks she's still in the dream until the CNA or I remind her that's she still in her own home. Once we gently reminder her those people have passed, she'll say "that's right." Mom seems to enjoy these dreams, and if I were religious, I'd believe the loved ones spirits were really close to comfort and prepare her to pass beyond the veil. If they frightened or agitated her, I'd act differently.
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I agree that there's no reason to spoil good memories with "facts." You sound like a fantastic caregiver who really cares but you weren't in her family for years so you can genuinely say "I'm not certain where they are" or something similar when they talk about someone who you know died years ago.

It's true that the family, or whoever pays you, directs the care. You are to be admired for trying to get along with them for everyone's sake. It's too bad you can't be cloned.
Take care,
Carol
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Most of us eventually gain the clear understanding that jeannegibbs stated so well. Whether you are paid or unpaid caregiver, questions about diseased family members will reoccur. The loved ones, of the person living with dementia, live on in their memory. No one can, or needs to, change that reality. There are many possible answers to the questions or references to diseased loved ones. "I do not know, because I have not seen that person for awhile" may work for you. Telling the person living with dementia the "bad news" and repeating the "bad news" to attempt to get them to understand is actually highly stressful to this helpless person. Needless agitation will result, and possible cascading symptom progression could then occur. Sad, but true. Therapeutic "dodging the truth" is part of effective caregiving that should be developed as part of a caregiver's skill set.
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I can relate in a way...It is wonderful that their mom has such a loving caregiver as you..I can see that you are a blessing to the lady you are helping.

My thinking is along two lines, actually three..
First: continue to do what you have been doing about talking with the old lady about anything and everything.

Second : When family says don't talk about this or that, smile and say "of course."

Third: talk with her about school days when she was a child. Then when you write in the log book, you can write "We talked about a lot of things including her school day experiences when she was a child." In case you happened to talk about her long-deceased parents, you could choose to "forget" to write that in the log book...

In my opinion "forgetting" to write every single detail in the log book, or even hiding what is talked about is a good thing, so long as what you do talk about makes her happy..

Final thought: In my opinion it is NOT worth it to argue with family. Rather than seek out who is the boss among them for clear guidance, just take it all in stride, smile and say "ok" when family says this or that, continue to love on their mom, and be proud that you have such a good heart.

Grace + Peace.

bob
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You can read the advice of one of our compassionate and experienced experts about this subject, here: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/whats-best-way-to-answer-questions-from-dementia-patient-203122.htm
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Churchmouse brings up a good point. When there are several family members involved it may not be possible to please all of them. Turn to the person who hired you for guidance.

OTD is Speech Therapist, and they often deal with persons with dementia, because dementia affects speech and the ability to swallow. She may have had considerable training in handling dementia issues. And she may have done reading and attended seminars, etc. since her mother was diagnosed. You cannot dismiss her concerns on the grounds that she is "only a speech therapist."

It may surprise you to learn that avoiding the topic of a loved one's death is often recommended by experts, including some on this forum. The person with dementia will not remember the explanation and it is painful at the time. Why cause pain for no reason? If the client brings it up, "Where is my mother?" change the subject or be evasive or flat out tell her something that will please her. "Your mother is enjoying herself today."

If you were taking care of my mother and I heard you were making her sad by insisting on telling her the "real story" of her parents death, I would first ask you to please stop. And if you continued I'd raise holy hell and try get you fired.

Sorry. But family gets to direct the approach taken to these kinds of topics.

You need to follow the guidance of the person who hired you. But keep in mind that other family members can influence that person.
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Thank you Jeanne, you are right... this type issue are "It's not my business" and no reason to explain to my C anyway... When I had since start working with her at the time most of the time my C could ask/tell me so many wonderful thing and her family history... but now she can able to say one or two word together.... actually I did surprise my C said " I would like to go see my Daddy" ...I would use my common sense to keep my C happy. and her family also.
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What if the client brings the subject up?

I also sympathise with the point that the out of town Speech Therapist daughter isn't there to observe the caregiver's interaction with her mother and may not be the best judge of what will satisfy and reassure her in the moment.

But who's paying? Who is your de facto line manager? I'd ask that person for guidance whenever you come across any difficulties like this - with five children potentially chipping in, you're bound to get conflicting instructions sometimes.
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Family members direct the care of their loved ones. No matter your intentions or experience, if family members ask you to avoid certain subjects, you should avoid them.
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Ask the daughter who visits almost ever day to discuss this with her sister. As you said, their mother doesn't remember their deaths. Wow, 93. I am caring for my MIL who will soon be 88 and is beginning to have dementia. I don't know what we will face in the future.
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I'm sure you are an experienced, compassionate caregiver who wants only the best for your charge, but family trumps paid help every time. Just smile and agree to what she wants, I'm sure there are lots of other things to talk about.
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