Follow
Share

My mother has always been independent but recently she had 2 falls and has been in and out of hospital and rehab facilities for most of this year. She is 89 and insists on living at home despite the fact she is physically not capable. I don't have any siblings to help so have been very busy collecting clothes and things for her hospital stays, driving long distances to visit, taking care of her finances, now shopping etc. She is mentally competent but refuses care givers & said theres no way she'll ever go into a care facility. I work 4 days/week so don't get much time to myself. I'm fed up and burned out and annoyed that I'm expected to do so much. She is grateful but I still feel resentful because my whole life is just work (paid and unpaid). I have depression and anxiety issues which probably make it harder. My husband is supportive but I feel I need to set up some boundaries to protect myself from breaking down and need to stop doing so much. I like reading about others experiences as it makes me feel like I'm not the only one out there.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Your health and husband come first. You will need to politely inform her that you cannot keep doing what you've been doing and that her perception that she is "independent" in her home is an illusion because you are pulling the strings everyday and from near and far. Tell her that your worrying about her every minute of the day is also wearing you out (yes, guilt her). Then tell her what the options are and that there are no others. I'm assuming you have durable Power of Attorney for her? If not, you must get this figured out. FYI I'm also an only child. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm an "only" too. Boundaries are necessary. In my case, my parents are very abusive so my boundaries are very strong. Whatever the situation, you need to do what is best for yourself first. Enlist the help of a local Senior Center or other agencies that help seniors. Research it on the internet because they're out there. Catholic charities (you don't need to be Catholic), churches, the library, your county or city chambers of commerce may be able to help find these places. They can take over so you can get back to living your life. My therapist (I also have depression) says that I am not responsible for my parents. In my case, they're so toxic, they are on their own and that is ok. I suggested agencies to them then stepped away. They fought it but I held my ground and they eventually started using the services on their own.
It's up to you, as it's your choice to how involved you want to be. Put guilt aside and do what is best for yourself. There are resources out there who can and will help her. I hope this helps. I'm not a selfish person but in my case, my parents were very, very manipulative and abusive. They are fine, living their lives. I just set them up with help and stepped back.
Good luck to you. I know it's hard but you can do it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Of course you cannot continue to do this. Mom, if she wishes to stay at home, will have to have caregivers to do this work for her. Tell her that you are not available to do this anymore, cannot even begin to keep up with your own life, and are too far away. Help her to arrange for hiring care givers to help her.Let he know that when she is unable to do this she will need to go to Assisted Living. This isn't really a "choice" any more, either for you or for her. It is not something to "like" or "dislike". It is the way things have to be.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter