How much of your family (in your household) did you take in consideration when caregiving?

I completely understand what you are saying, and I don't think you are "wrong" in the least. You have to have a life of your own. If you let them, some seniors will consume your every breathing moment. My 75-year-old father is in ill health (my mom died years ago), and he is living with my husband, 8-year-old daughter and me. I am an only child, so my daughter and I are his only living blood relatives. He can walk, prepare simple meals (such as pour cereal from a box) and toilet himself. I established early on that there are boundaries. If he has a true emergency, that takes the lead. However, if he wants me to run an errand that can wait versus something I have already scheduled for my child, she takes priority. My dad wanted me to stop being her Girl Scout troop leader so I "could devote more time" to him. He has every need taken care of--maybe not at the second he wants it, but within the same day. I told him no--my daughter needs me. She will never be this age again, and I am not denying her a childhood. We will make this balance work, but not at her expense. He also wanted me to stay home from a family vacation and let my child and husband go 1,000 miles without me. Again, I said no. His doctors have said he can travel (in fact, they encouraged him to). We are taking him with us. He does not want to go, but I told him that without a medical reason, there is no reason for him to deny me a trip with my husband and child. (It is our 10th anniversary this year, too.) Yes, my dad throws tantrums, but I can, too. It's hard to listen to and stressful, but I am not giving in. Quite frankly, my daughter is better behaved at 8 than he is at 75. However, I can deal with it. His needs are completely taken care of. He has to learn that he can't always get his way the minute he dictates an order. (An example--I "need you to go to Arby's right now" when there are plenty of other foods to eat in the house.) My poor mom lived with him for years and knew what he was like. Before she died, she even told me not to let him run me over, and that I needed to stand up to him, or he would dominate everything forever. Like you, I am not in the best of health. I worry that he will put me in an early grave and I won't live to see my child grow up. I am doing everything I can to be here for her.

My mom recently went to live at an assisted living facility with memory care. I just couldn't take care of her - she was very demanding, and very needy. My elderly aunt told me to think twice before bringing her to live with me because it would only get worse. I feel so much better now - I visit once per week (I still work full time even though I am 64 years old). I feel I am entitled to a little bit of peace in my life. I searched long and hard for the right place for Mom - its quite expensive but we sold her home to pay for it. Now I worry less about her, and feel I can spend my attention on my husband who didn't think my mother was part of the marriage bargain - neither do I - its not fair to him.

Wow, quite a story. Sounds like you still have A LOT of issues with your own childhood, what your experienced with your mother, the lack of attention to you maybe, the lack of gratitude, and your mother putting your grandmother first.

Now with your husband, all I can say it is his relationship with his father, who clearly sounds like he has dementia or some kind and should be in a home. I say that because it mirrors my father's behavior before he went into a NH home, then he plateaued and is now there long term, not accepting of his fate.

I guess all I can tell you is to talk to your husband, tell him how much you see him suffering and see if you can get him to lighten up his load of caring for his dad. Hire a caregiver to come in one afternoon a week. Use that time to go out to dinner or a movie with each other, or just sit down to dinner at your own home and have a conversation. Sometimes it is the little things that can help people see the light and then they want more of their own life back.

I have been caring for both my parents who live down the road, (Dad now in NH), but I do all the laundry, the groceries, meds, haircuts, church, listening to all their complaining etc...My Dad has nasty angry dementia but now on the right meds, is calmer, (sometimes)! My Mom - she didn't care her parents as they aged, her sister did for 40 years!!! Can you believe that! My Mom led the life of a socialite and now she is excepting me to to do EVERYTHING for her. There's no magic bullet but my husband said to me about 6 months, "I want you back, honey. I don't want us to lose our 50's with you being so miserable and exhausted. I miss you...." he was right and I started making some changes in my schedule. I now put my own family first. It's still very hard but no where was it written that I had to give up my life (which is what you did and what your husband is doing now), because they fed us and educated us, so that our parents can ruin our adult lives. He your FIL doesn't get a lunch, tough. He'll live. See if you can convince your husband to go over just once a day, or hire someone to do it. I hope this has inspired you to change it up.

xoxoxo -

SS

P.s I love my Mom and dad. My siblings have disappeared from the scene. No help in three + years. I had a nervous breakdown and that caused my change in thinking.

Michsoph - great feedback. I think we are in a similar place, except I still have both of them with demands. But I think your way too; if it's not an emergency, they can wait. What's frustrating is that every time I call my Mom, just to check in, she gives me a list of things to do. I say, I'll get to it when I can. I used to jump and get it all done. Now, I go to the bank for her when I go to bank. I get some things at CVS for her when I go for myself and so on...

I think this sentence you wrote, "He has to learn that he can't always get his way the minute he dictates an order," is such great advice for joycews. Hit the nail on the head! We're not ignoring these responsibilities that we have assumed; we're just managing them.

xo

-SS

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

A few thoughts. My own Dad was very, very strict and never home. He was an only child and felt the universe revolved around him. When we grew up, after an abusive situation with him, my brother committed to being the opposite of my Dad's example.

So, my brother is healthy (he will not be a burden on his own children), he is a loving father and an amazing husband. He is a great uncle, to a point. He believes we all are accountable for our own good health. While there are some medical conditions that are hereditary, there are MANY that are induced by too much fat, sugar and lack of exercise. How accountable are we for taking care of smokers and drinkers, etc?

My brother expects us all to take good care of ourselves and to treat our bodies like the temples they are ...

That's just my way of sharing one example of a person who grew up in an awful situation and determined that he would be different. He works every day to make good decisions, his wife helps my brother when he lapses back into behaviors of disrespect for others that he grew up watching from our Dad.

Make choices. Sit down with your husband and decide what kind of people you want to be and what you both believe and put yourselves and your own family first. Your children will be your family for many, many, many years after your parents are gone. Your parents made choices in their lives and cared for you... hopefully. Now it is your time to care for your young children... at least that is what I think.

For a few years, after my kids were grown, my elderly mom fell ill and I cared for her. It made me quite sick to dedicate my life to caring for her, but it was only a few years and I wanted to be a good daughter to her in the end and I was. I could do it without sacrificing my children. I lost my career for that time, but I am going to work to get it back.

I hope this is hopeful and helpful to you. You are not anything but a blessing. It is a miracle of life that we are all here and we should honor that miracle by being kind to each other.

It sounds to me like your mom's mom was quite selfish and unkind. That's sad, but it doesn't mean that you and your husband need to perpetuate things. I think our parents get very, very scared as they fall into ill health and get older, and nearer to death and that comes out in sometimes ugly ways. We need to understand that, but if we fall ill too... then there will be no one able to help anyone. You and your husband have to stay healthy for your kids.

Your children are in your lives and your home for only a few years over the course of you long life time... think about it... don't waste that time. The kids grow up and go very, very fast. Cherish that time. It goes fast!

When a person marries they leave father and mother and cleave (Bible terms) to each other. Yes, they respect and help parents but their family wife, husband, children come first. This is the bibical order.

Doedoe1237, you nailed it!!!!!!!!

doedoe, AMEN now if I could live this verse. I have grown children, one with 2 children in Montana, one on the east coast. My husband and I are living apart for me to help my mom. He's in North Dakota and me in CA with my mom. Mom is a quiet non demanding, well kind of, she hints until something gets done...lol We have talked and talked about our situation as a family. We are all in agreement I should be with my Mom. My only problem is my siblings don't understand why I need to go visit them a few times a year. I am living with my mom so she doesn't have to go into assisted living and actually feel good about myself and my loving family to understand our decision.

doedoe1237, before getting to read your post I was already getting ready to post the same two verses. I believe there is no better guide to living a life well lived than the Bible. Michspoh1 seems to live out these verses. I think she has given some great examples on how to balance family and caregiving. We shouldn't neglect our parents but they shouldn't consume us and our families.

I think it is an honor to take care of your parents if you can. It is hard at times and you have to incorporate help by maybe involving them in day care programs and community lunches by church etc and activities. If you can hire a caregiver you trust part time that will give you a break. If you make it a family affair and all live together that makes it a lot easier too. Then running back and forth from one house to the other. If they do need to go into assisted living make sure that you let them help you select where they feel the most comfortable empower them in the decision making process even if they can't totally make the correct the decision let them feel apart of everything and then visit when you can and advocate for them in assisted living for their health care and for what they want and need never let the ball drop because assisted living never makes up for family. God Bless.

I am not being flippant with you, but God never promised us a rose garden. Your parents should have instilled a sense of responsibility in you. I am sorry for people that this didn't happen too. Seems there are a lot of just me people today. When times were harder, that is what you did and taught. A lot of children are being taught life is all about them. They miss the mark on life. They either do not support or abort their own children, especially if they are not perfect. I fear life was hard growing up for you. Did anyone sit down and explain what was going on to you? Seems you were on the outside looking in. You should of been more included in your moms thought process. My own daughter has a son with down syndrome and the two older girls adore him and helped with him all the time.
Your husband is doing what he feels in his bones is the right thing to do. You can schedule time for just the two of you. He may feel overwhelmed too. Do you have counseling at your church? You may want to try that. You can learn why you feel the way you do. I so hope you join with your husband and understand his sense of duty and love. I take care of my mom with dementia at my house and my husband helps. It was very hard at first, but a way of life now. We do not have any small children. You may want to include your daughter in these family talks. But you must talk to each other. A family has to support each other. Even if it is just sharing on this sight. I pray the best for you and your family.

I feel your pain. Having a mother that was sick from when I was a small child as well, about the age of 6 I can relate. She would be in the hospital for asthma related issues and ask my dad to bring be in the room so that I could see all the tubes in her. She would always tell me that she would not make it to her next birthday, at that time she would have been 38. She is now 85 and still each year tells me that asthma patients don't live long. She now cares for my stepfather with advanced Alzheimer's and she too in my opinion has some signs of Dementia. I lost my job 2 1/2 years ago during the economic turn after 30 successful years in banking and decided it was probably an sign that I needed to help my mom and step-dad although I had been doing it for many years prior all while maintaining my job and having my own family life with an extremely understanding husband and assistant caregiving young daughter (she too was thrown into the role by my mom from age 6 on up). I now have a mother who continues to control my every move, won't let us leave the area for anything without throwing fits and consistently uses her sickness to make me feel guilty (although she has had no asthma for years). I have tried to get back into the work force, but have been unsuccessful due to being out of work so long and being older (52). We have our own financial issues now because of this, but my mom who makes more than enough to survive feels that it is my place to be there for her all the time. All I can say is like you, this is not worth sacrificing your own life and your own family. Each day I work on my own self-worth and each day I move a little more away from her. Although I love her and my step-father, I can't give up on the rest of my life for her selfishness. It's not easy, it's a journey, but you have to keep believing that you have done all that you can and you are a good person for that.

The bottom line here is that no matter how much you don't want to do it or say you can't care for someone, you end up managing somehow because there is no other choice other than just letting them fend for themselves & die on their own. I nearly drove myself to an early grave but I finally found a balance. I'm lucky because my parents have enough money to manage.

This is a huge problem in this country & will only gets worse. We have an aging population with limited resources & to make matters worse we have lot's of technology & drugs to keep us living way past our expiration dates, even if we are miserable the whole time. Every situation is different but people DO get old & sick & need care. Someone has to tend to their needs & it's usually a family member unless they are rich enough to afford paid care. There are people with no family, friends or money for caregivers, they often end up on the street, sometimes it's their own fault but often not. Either way, it's a problem we face as a nation that is not going away.

We are all human which means our capacity is limited. When you have done all you can, and then your health, your other family obligations, etc. start suffering badly, then it's time to put the older relative in a good facility. If everyone has to make compromises, then so can the patient. This is why there are really good care facilities. I am a Christian and I am all for caring and self sacrificing, but I also believe that God raised up professional caregivers to do that job when we no longer are effective.

My husband crammed his mother down my throat in the middle of his kidney transplant. I did not want her here. We have never gotten along. This has killed my marriage, When my husband got sick, I was there for him but when I needed help, I drove myself to the hospital and was left alone there in CCU. He only has time for her. If she ever dies, we will have no marriage. We don't have one now.

I believe those, who choose to care for their elderly parents do so, unconditionally. We are only here because our own parents sacrificed and did without so we could go on to become healthy, functioning adults. Parents do not tell us blow by blow, what they had to sacrifice or do without so we had a better childhood, granted noone is perfect. In reference to your grandparents and father in law, their behavior is symptomatic of dementia, it alters their behaviors as does alzheirmers. I have been looking after my father, age 81, for two and a half years, this includes, making breakfast, supper, washing, drying, ironing, dusting, vacuuming, housekeeping on a daily, weekly basis apart from working a full time job. My father repeatedly tells me I do too much, I tell him, he gave me seventeen years of his life laboring in a construction company 40 to 60 hours a weeks so that my siblings (5) and I could have a roof over our head and food to eat and I NEVER heard him complain. One day I won't have to worry about him but for now it is nothing compared to 17 safe, loving years he gave me. God gives me all I need to keep looking after my father. Blessings to you.

Dear Clove57, Good luck to you. I have been taking care of my hateful Mother-in-law for 17 years now with no end in sight. I wonder how you will feel after that amount of time. I truly do wish you luck. You are going to need it.

It is so hard to balance your time. My kids are grown now so at least I don't have any children. But just when it should be my husband and my time it seems it is my time and my mothers. We don't have the time we should, but he understands. He keeps saying to me you are a good daughter. So I guess my job is taking care of mother. When we get together with our grown children I seem to be missing out on the fun as I am usually somewhere in another room caring for mom. I do really miss out on the family fun and don't get to enjoy the times. I don't want my life to go by and feel like I didn't really live. My mom is somewhat demanding and wants to occupy all my time. Right now taking care of mom is my job and I am trying to find a balance between taking care of her and taking care of me.

My story is as long and painful as yours! I won't go into details because really, as I heard once, it really doesn't matter what people DO. The details aren't that important. It's more WHY they do them. I would say to you that this whole thing, which is common as the sun rising in the east, is about the lack of proper boundaries in a dysfunctional family. I totally agree about living life in the Word, but I know there are so many abusive people who will twist the Bible and take things out of context for their own purpose. That's why it is so important to really get to know the whole Bible - a daunting task - and prayer is important to when reading and digesting God's meanings. The first commandment is also the most important and if we can get this one right, everything else would fall in to place. Love God with all your heart and all your mind. Have NO other gods before him (and that includes your parents). I would urge you to get into a good Christian counselor (I stress the word 'good'. There are many bad ones, Christian and otherwise out there). You can honor your parents in many ways, but giving them your everything to the exclusion of your spouse and his/her needs, your minor children, who God gave to YOU to raise (and He expects you to do that well) is not right. There is a lot of manipulation of God's dictates to His people, including things like 'submission'. (I have a close family member whose sister in law currently is going through a meat grinder emotionally and we all fear for her physical safety because her very fundamentalist Christian pastor has advised her to 'submit' more to her abusive husband, saying that her 'strength' is what's ruining their marriage! He has left out the part in the greater context where Christ tells wives to submit and tells husbands to lift up and honor their wives, loving them as their own bodies as Christ loves His church. So it gets very twisted up in many ways when humans start fitting singular passages or words to their own purpose.
God LOVES us. He doesn't want us to be harmed or abused or mentally at the end of our ropes. If a parent is demanding and pushing an adult child to this extent, this is not Godly behavior and that adult child is NOT obligated to do whatever that parent wants. Honor your parent by holding your tongue when you could really unleash it, by making sure they are safe and have good health care and are well fed and clean. Be as kind as you can be. But you do NOT get 'points' for allowing anybody - ANYBODY - abuse you.

Just to add a few thoughts. Take them for what you will. First of all I firmly believe in the dominance principal in human relationships. Parents are used to being the alpha's in their relationships with us because they brought us into the world. My father is an especially alpha type and doesn't want anyone to tell him what to do. However, something interesting has occurred since he has gotten into the nursing home. He was very agitated upon going in. He actually scared the staff with his aggressive behavior. My father was an angry and bitchy man his whole life. His wives were submissive and such. Well, they promptly put him on meds that are used for bi-polar depression and the change is amazing. He is laid back, happier, less fussy. I only wish he had been diagnosed earlier in his life. He would never go to a psych on his own but since he is in the NH, he just takes what they give him and it's wonderful! Remember, once we reach a certain age the things we used to produce like dopamines and serotonin decrease and might be altogether missing. Also, this demanding, clinging behavior has got to be a result of nearing the end of life. For some reason people want to feel that they are important and as valuable to their loved ones. However, the demanding father who wants to call the shots sounds like he does need to adhere to boundaries.
I can't understand the way these parents seem so ungrateful for what you are doing for them. It may change but my father is always thanking me for every little thing I am doing for him. It makes a difference. This fit pitching is ridiculous and childish. That would drive me batty.
The other thing I want to add is that I believe our american society has an illness about the elderly......and about attention. It sounds like everyone in families go around worrying about how much attention they are getting from one parent and making a huge deal that one parent is unable to be there all the time for this period of time. Sure I think the OP's and her mother spent an excessive amount of time at hospitals and the like but she was also gaining very important lessons about how you treat someone who took care of you when you were growing up (assuming she did). and even if a parent didn't -such as in my dad's case, I am showing by example to my own kids how treat someone. Even showing my parents how they should have treated me. Also, there is too much emphasis on children demanding from their parents. In fact, it seems more and more that people in our society are only concerned about themselves and don't even understand the experience and value of sacrifice. Sacrifice isn't just for the person you are doing it for- you also gain an experience of what it's like to give. I get so tired of hearing people wanting this and wanting that and using guilt to heap on parents but especially mothers when they don't get what they want(time attention etc.). If kids have to sacrifice a little of their parents time so that they can take care of their parents in a balanced way (not the boundary-less way), then they too are learning to give and that is a valuable lesson as well. It should be framed as such and taught that this is the way we should treat each other and frankly, you are showing them how to love and how to treat YOU when you age. That's what I'm doing with my kids. Of course, as a single mom for many years, my kids know that they traded some lessons for different kinds. I mean no disrespect here. much love. BG

Joycews Looks like you married a man who does the same thing you were doing growing up and continue to do. You are the one who makes choices for yourself, and only you know how to resolve it. If you don't want your daughter continuing in your footsteps, show her another way to live. You have choices now that you are an adult and you can make different choices for your child. If your husband doesn't appreciate what sacrifices you made in the past then he has every right to choose a caregiver present for himself, but you have every right to say enough is enough for you and your child. No one should be forced to witness caregiving. It is supposed to be given with love, respect and honor, but when it becomes a threat to one's own well-being, then you have to make a choice. My best wishes you take charge of your life and your daughter's.

You're NOT cold. And I really don't care what anyone says. My family "dropped" my 35 year old brother off at my house. I had no idea, until I said I would go to the store and pick up some food and be right back. I get back and everyone is gone except my brother, who is dying and may have a year to live. I received NO help from my mother, two other brothers and sister. My daughter lost her bedroom for the weeks he was at my house until I could find him a good facility about an hour away. And during the time at my home I continually missed work because he was going through changes which scared him, so he'd call me at work and ask me to come home. He even yelled and cursed at the receiptionist if she couldn't find me, so I always told her where I'd be. I visited him every weekend, took him places, and my family still couldn't be bothered. When he passed, I called all my family and asked them to help me with his funeral expenses, no one could. Years later my mother in law winds up in a nursing home. We never got to know each other that well because I was continuing with my career in another county, so she didn't care for me. However, I was the only one in my husbands family that visited her every week for two years, NO ONE in her own family ever came. At the 2 year mark my own mother got sick and moved to Reno so my sister could take care of her. (she asked my husband and I to move her, we did.) My mother never had much to do with my sister and I, or the three boys for that matter, after we all left home, but she knew my sister was the only one she could get to care for her and do what she asked. My husband took over going to see his mother every week, and I tried to help my sister as much as I could. Three years later, April of last year, my mother passed, then in September of that same year, my mother in law passed. Neither family ever helped with the funeral expenses except my sister, myself and my husband. It's hard yes, but you need to give yourself "my time", no matter what. It could be any amount of time you need, just let it go, say "Sorry, but I can't be around for X amount of time, period", and then follow through. When I was beside myself working a stressful job and visiting my brother every weekend, I broke down and called my sister and yelled at her, telling her I didn't care what she was doing, she would see our brother just once to give me a break. She visited him once, then he passed. We ALL can only do what is mentally and/or capable of doing before we start to shorten our own lives with the ultimate stress that comes with that part of life. Every single person needs and deserves "my time". Take it.

I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories because it has helped.
I did want to address a couple of things brought up. One poster had mentioned that perhaps my parents did not explain to me what was happening and I was "looking in" as an outsider and did not understand responsibility. I wasn't an outsider but an active participant. My mother was not well when she was doing all of this and had some very serious medical conditions going on from being legally blind to a ruptured disc in her back and later renal problems. By the time I was 11, I knew how to write a check and balance a checkbook and knew what all the bills that needed to be paid were. By the time I was 12 I could explain to anyone who asked in great detail every surgical procedure that was done to my mom or grandmother. At 15 I was put on my parents lock box account. I helped feed my grandmother, had up to my elbows in adult diapers (at one point we were up to 14 changes a day and sometimes that was with 2 diapers on), I took a leave from my job but I had to maintain full time status in college or I would lose my healthcare insurance.
I sacrificed. I had cousins who would send me postcards from a vacation while I sat at home waiting for the next crises. My dad saw my mom's sibling in a grocery store and said they would like to take me on a small vacation but we had no one to help with my grandmother. He looked at my dad and said, "wow, that sure is a tough spot to be in." I was awared an honor in college but could not attend -- I had a funeral to go to.
I understand it is important to teach children love, sacrifice and responsibility -- but why is this lesson often taught to just one child or one grandchild? I know there are a couple of post from only children and I understand that is totally different but my mom had a sibling who lived one mile away. My cousins were in the same house and older than me (one by almost 6 years). My aunt did not work outside the home. They had time for prayer meetings and church visits and would go out of their way to clean houses for people in the church and help them. My only conclusion is that is something that could be seen by others and receive praise.
My mom also took my grandfather in (for a shorter amount of time) and ended up in the hospital herself.
I have only came across one family that has ever done it right with caregiving and that was a lady with 3 sons. Each one would take her for 4 months each to be fair.
I just cannot wrap my mind around why a parent with two children doesn't sit down and say, "we are going to split the time of caregiving -- it is not fair to my children or grandchildren to live in hospitals, stay in the house for weeks and never leave." I do not understand why my mom did not say, "if I am going to do this...here's the deal."
I know my uncle and aunt didn't want my grandmother and she knew it but it was also not fair to us.
I feel if you can prepare your own meals, have enough energy to throw fits -- then do all that in your own home.
There are news stories about people who have been captured and lived with their perpurtrator for years to only be released into freedom. However it never makes the news when caregivers are in the same situation but held through obligation, guilt and someone who is physically violent toward you but they get a pass because they are elderly.
There are all kinds of government and church programs for children and elderly people but no real help for people in their 20's. 30's, 40's or 50's who are dealing with this. I rarely hear of people caregiving with young children at home. Most are in their late teens or grown.
I did want to also address my FIL -- it is not safe to have him in our home for 2 reasons: 1) he has put a gun to his stomach in the last month and threatend to kill himself as well as 2 weeks ago, he cut himself with a knife repeatedly on the stomach after my husband was 7 minutes late. 2) my husband has been told my FIL has an infection and he must wear gloves when around him. They said it is not to the stage yet of needing a mask. He does not wash his hands, light switches in his house have had to be cleaned from being covered in urine and feces and he also has problems in the past with herpes outbreaks and he infected my husband. The outbreak went from my husband's cheek into his eye and he recently received his second cornea transplant.
My FIL also has gambled away a significant amount of money that could have went to his care. We have had period of 3-6 months without hearing from him. He would not be in contact as much now unless he needed my husband and down deep I know that.
I do know the Bible says to honor your parents but I cannot find in my heart that God wants us to be abused (my husband was abused several ways as a child mainly by his mother and went to his father who called him a liar). I don't feel God wants us to essentially commit suicide by taking care of these people. I do not feel God wants us to expose our children to things that will harm them physically, mentallly, emotionally or spiritually. There is also a scripture about what should be done to people who do not protect children and cause them to stumble and it involves a millstone.
I see caregivers on here that have been doing this for 15, 20 or more years. Ours was 15. My dad once told me that I should move as far away as I could after high school. My mother continues to say she has no regrets and would do it all over again, even after her own mother looked up at her from the bed and said, "you don't love me." If mom didn't love her, she would not have put up with any of it. I once asked my mom, "you said you would do it all over again, but did you ever think of dad and I?" Needless to say, that was met with, "well, sorry you had such a horrible childhood" and more anger. Mom has said she knows she was treated right, but in her mind her parents are still one step from sainthood. I cannot understand that thinking.

Thank you frustrated2 for your thoughtful insight. As a devout, lifetime Athiest, I get a little annoyed at what seems to me like total nonsense and excuses for generally being bad humans.

Delbert, frustrated2 gave very thoughtful insight indeed. In fact, I was sharing that insight with my mom earlier during a good talk. I have been a Christian for 38 years and I very much agreed with frustrated2's insight. I don't know what my life would have been like without the Lord. I have encounted many however like frustrated 2 described and to be honest, it is not spiritually uplifiting when people do twist scripture to suit the purpose. She touched on many issues and was very detailed and that was very appreciated.
Everyone's stories on here are very much apprecited because it lets you know you are not alone and that you are not some evil, cold person.
As the years pass (especially in the last two years), my mom is coming around more and more that things that went on were not right. There is still that resistance though.
My husband is slowly getting there about his father. He will not stand up like he should and I had to take some matters in my own hands today. He dad is now in the hospital where he should have been weeks ago.
I have gotten upset today more than I should have and it has taken a toll on my blood pressure. Thank God for my little girl to keep me focused. :)

Yes, I agree with you joycews about other people sharing the load. The one thing I have noticed since I came to this website is the sheer number of caregivers who have siblings that are detached and seemingly could care less. I also have 2 siblings that have nothing to do with my dad because he "wasn't a good father" by my sisters standards. If I told you the things he did you might agree but I don't believe her for one hot minute, I think it's an excuse to not have to interrupt her entitled family and mess up her plans. I think they saying was that it takes a village to raise a family. I think it is so wrong to put all of the burden on one person. It isn't right.

You ask why people have a family if they are going to worship their parents. Guess what- your grandmother had your mother and after bringing her into the world, she took care of her when she needed it. Your grandmother WAS family, she was part of your mother's family.

When I was growing up, my parents took in relatives and even strangers in need. We had an elderly lady with us who was a hellcat but the rooming house she lived in across the street was sold and she had no family she came to live with us.

Let me introduce my own family. My mother would be so rude to me and say such hurtful things as I grew up. My father beat me with a belt and threatened me with a gun daily. I lived in terror of him. My grandfather molested me from the time I was born and it escalated to intercourse when I was 12. At 13 I feared a late period. He said if anyone found out, he'd kill me, my parents, and himself. My grandmother hated me for his incest and blamed me. I'd trade my childhood for yours in a heartbeat.

Guess what? That very mother and grandmother live with me now. My mother has multiple health problems and my grandmother has Alzheimer's and is violent right now. I have to lock all dishes, bowls, knives, etc in cabinets with key locks as she has cracked me and others with dishes and even tried with a heavy cast iron skillet. I can't nap anywhere but in my husband's and my bedroom with the door locked because she tried to strangle me with my daughter's jump rope.

Prior to this, I took in my abusive dad and grandfather in turn when one had cancer and congestive heart failure and the other was dying of pancreatic cancer. Right now I also have a friend here, my best friend, who has been with us for 4 years and is dying of cancer.

I have a husband who I adore. We also had his mom with us as she was dying and we also cared for his dad when he had cancer. He and I have a family.

So, since we are a married couple with a family, should we just have forgotten those who brought us in the world as if they are no longer family? No. We can't. We're just not that kind of people. I don't know anything about a biblical order as we are Atheists but our moral compass does not include turning away from family and friends in need. Our family is more compassionate for it. Being raised in a family that cares for others is something that can teach patience and compassion to children- at least it did for me, my husband, and our family. In our country, older family members are often deemed unconvenient and disposable. My husband and I and our family just can't be that way.

Your mother sounds like a lovely compassionate woman who has her values straight and wanted to care for the mother who brought her in the world and raised her. I would be proud of her. Sometimes kids feel put out. They want all the attention on themselves. That's natural. We homeschool and have a lot of family time. We have a strong and healthy marriage and make time for each other. It's all about balance. It is fine to bring in a sitter to stay with the ones receiving care so you can go do things.

Just one more thing to add from my post yesterday morning. At the start of each week, I list my schedule for my dad (his doctor appointments, my trips to his house to clean it out so we can sell it--another story, since all of my mom's stuff--she's been dead for 13 years--was never taken care of, my daughter's schedule, etc. Then, each day, I reiterate the schedule. I tell him that I can run errands, but they have to fit into a certain time frame. (AKA--Don't tell me you "need" Arby's at 2 p.m. when I have to get on the road to pick my daughter up from school.) It's been a little better when I can give my dad specific times that I CAN help him, rather than when I can't. Of course, a true health emergency would call for a fallback plan. However, that hasn't happened yet, thank goodness.

Terim, thank you so much for sharing your story as I know that cannot be easy. Thank you too for the compliment to my mother, yes -- she is a very compassionate woman.
I never wanted all the attention to myself. I'm an only child and was not neglected in that way at all.
I have a young child at home (8) and will not bring a man in who has cut himself with a knife, put a gun to his stomach and threatened harm to others. I will not expose her to herpes and the serious infection he is carrying in his urinary track and on his legs. I know if he got violent and killed her or us, he would walk because he is elderly and can easily turn off and on his "confusion." I cannot justify putting a small child in any danger such as that.
I think it is beautiful you took in your abusers but I would have been visiting them in prison had I been raped. I just could not fathom having a rapist be it my father or grandfather around my children.
I remember a case in the news from a couple of years back about a mother who went to care for her elderly father. He had been in some sort of trouble with the law in the past and had some guy living with him that had been a sex offender. Almost his entire trailer park was filled with sex offenders but this grandfather told his daughter they were all swell guys who would never harm his granddaughter. Sadly, the little girl ended up dead.
I am all for helping family when they have had surgeries, recovering from an illness, etc. but when they have the strength to yell, scream, throw fits, attack people (and yes, that was all done in my house growing up), then they need to be heavily sedated so they don't hurt themselves and others. If that doesn't work, they need to go back home or to a nursing home.
No parent raising their child would ever put up with being cursed at, attacked, threatened or outright bullied in any way. Most likely years ago the child would have been disciplined by spanking or some other punishment. Not every parent has dementia or Alzheizemer's. Neither of my grandparents did. So why is it okay for the elderly to treat their children in such a manor and get a free pass because well...they are elderly and gave birth 50 or 60 years ago? Why should young children see their parents talked to in such a horrible way, threatened, hit and outright abused? If a spouse was doing such a thing to another spouse we would be told to remove a young child from such a situation because it was dangerous to their emotional and physical well-being. Yet when it is an elderly person abusing a mother or father, we are told that is character building so children do not learn to be shelfish.
Yes, children need to be taught the world doesn't always revolve around them but their has to be a better way than seeing someone die in front of them for years, seeing their parents abused or being afraid of the same things being done to you.