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I have care of my husband, 60, brain cancer/dementia, my father, 92, and step mother, 92. Where my father and step mother are somewhat able to care for themselves my husband is declining rapidly. I work 40 hours a week to get by. I have some help not much but catch myself just in survival mode only. My work is somewhat suffering, home is falling apart, and as others have stated same questions over and over and over again. Enough, Thank you for listening.

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It can help to reduce or eliminate caffeine (coffee, tea) etc. Speaking for myself, I was not able to do it "cold turkey" and plan to try cutting back gradually every day. I've done some searches on-line, and reducing/eliminating caffeine can help with energy levels.
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Hi All,

I tried something that helped me a lot and may help others. I took a yoga class that focused on meditation. I spoke with the yoga instructor after class and told her that I had been waking up in the middle of the night, every 1.5 to 2 hours... for YEARS!!!!

She said... 'your breath is always with you'. That helped me a lot last night. The first two times I woke up with stress in my chest I jumped up out of bed as I usually do and tried to settle back to sleep. Finally, the last time I woke up I remembered... my breath is always with me... I tried to focus on my breath. In and out, breathing slowly, feeling my chest fill and my stomach rise, and then lower... I fell back to sleep and slept for 4 hours straight.

I am hopeful this suggestion of meditation, focusing on our breathing... because our breath is a miracle and it is always with us, will help.

Bless all of you who are so giving and loving. I hope you know you are not alone... in this journey.
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Amen, Eddie:)
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Keep building that support network to restore a sense of balance before you end up in a straight jacket. For the moment, the only escape from the madness is your job, so don't cut the hours.

In caregiving, we often find ourselves going back and forth from reality and insanity. Reacting instead of responding b/c we dropped our brain somewhere. It's understandable, then, when neighbors refer to us as nuttier than a fruitcake.

After this chapter in your life is closed, you'll notice a resilient caregiving survivor that's not afraid of what comes your way b/c you've been through worse.

You are, after all, a Superwoman that makes the people around you want to be a better person and a better human being. Thank you.
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Thank you, ChristinaW. When you awake early in the am with nothing but darkness, no where to go, no one to talk to, it is easy to see only the bad. Sometimes even the light of day doesn't dispel the fear, despair or loss of hope. Thank you for your kind words. Today is just not a good day.
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Dearest Scared,
You are stronger than you think. Get your focus on the pinpoint light in the distance and see it get bigger and brighter. Start formulating plans for your life after caregiving.
NOTHING lasts forever. Imagine this difficult situation is a box or a block of time that you must be in for a limited time to learn a lesson. Think about what that lesson may be-- why are you in this dreadful scenario and what goodness can you gain for yourself to make you a better person?
If you can compartmentalize your specific caregiving experience and tell yourself unless you take the steps to find your parent alternative care, you will use it for good and growth. You cannot let it or the person destroy you. You must turn it around for your good. What do you think? Blessings, dear one xo
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I wish I could detach but I can't. The only answer you get from doctors is more pills and counseling...and I can't afford either. I don't think there is such a thing as coming out the other side sane. By the time it's over, the caregiver has no love, feelings, emotions or life left. IT's all been sucked out of them by a disease that has eaten away at their loved one as well as them even though they might be healthy according to doctors.
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We try to become everything to everyone and it is ok to not be that. I needed someone to tell me that it is ok not to feel so responsible to everyone. So give your self that permission. Next thing that I had to figure out the hard way is what is my exit plan. At what point do I need to be realistic and what do I really need to take care of. who can I ask for help from and for who...yes that is ok too! The next thing that I had to learn is to let go....I can't control what is going to happen in ten minutes from now nor ten days from now. This is especially true with declining health of your parents and your husband. This was big for me because now I can actually find humor is some of things that have happened and I can roll with the punches. The last piece of advice is you need to take care of yourself. I know that seems so selfish when you look at the sacrifices that your parents and your husband has made perhaps even for you or for their family. The truth is IF you don't you won't be able to go the distance.
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Your life is going to kill you. If you cannot command help from your family, call the local Office on the aging and tell them your situation and that your parents need help that you are unable to render. Anybody would see that what you are saying is the God's Honest truth. Nobody can do what you are attempting to do and do it well enough. Everybody on this forum has been in extreme situations for months or years at a time, but your situation takes the cake. Divest something.
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I wouldn't want to reduce my work hours because I really need that time away from my husband. It also helps me to be reminded that I am someone who is respected for my professional knowledge and experience. I see my work hours as a sort of vacation from my more demanding job of caregiving. I would feel even more stressed if I worked less.
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When I was the sole caregiver for my dad with Alzheimer's for nearly 5 years, I needed to work full time. There is no such thing as balancing the two responsibilities, while trying to maintain a reasonable home life.
Had I not needed to work during that time, things would have been much less stressful for our whole family. After about a year of always being pressed for time, I gladly sacrificed my full-time job, and reduced my hours to 20 weekly.

I urge you to consider reducing your work hours, if possible. I'm assuming your parents have Social Security retirement and perhaps other income from pensions and your husband has Social Security disability payments as well. Slowing down your pace will benefit everyone involved. Take care.
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I can't begin to imagine what you are going through or how you are doing it. You sure are a stronger person than I. Do try to find some help through an agency...try your local area agency on aging, the Alzheimer's Association, the VA, the local church, somewhere...I know there is help out there...but it takes a lot of time and effort to find it...just one more thing to add to your plate, I'm afraid. But keep your chin up, eyes open and accept any help you can get! Take care and God bless.
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PLEASE, PLEASE ASK for HELP! And PLEASE DON'T think as Most Caregivers do... that they CAN get by, and will SOMEHOW make it through!! I'm Not here to Scare You but Many times do Caregivers think that 'because' they're "Caregivers," that they're SAFE from illnesses, even if because of the fact that they're Depended upon. NOT the case. I'm asking you to PLEASE call a Church for help! Call Anyone and Everyone! And do yourself another favor- "Don't" ASK your loved ones for Permission to do this. If YOU are the one who has to handle all this, then this Help is for YOU, just as much, maybe even more than it is for Them!! My comfort, my prayers, and my very heartfelt Compassion goes out to You. I only wish I were a neighbor so that I could pitch in for You.. whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. And one more thing... Should 'Anyone' Ever Offer their Help to You, PLEASE just thank them and "Take them up on their Offer!!" It will Not only Help YOU in So Many ways, but will also make them feel good as well. Don't forget, in general People love to feel needed too. And so it's really a two-way street, a Gift for them, a Gift to You. Take it.. And, God Bless You.
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JeanneGibbs' Number One Tip for Retaining Sanity:
RESPITE
Find a program with volunteer respite workers. Hire a reliable person who can sit with your loved one, from an agency or from people you know in your community. Encourage a family member or one of your loved one's friends to help out.

To retain your sanity and your personality you CANNOT spend 24/7/365 with an ill person no matter how much you love them. You need breaks. It helps to have a job away from the home, to interact with other "normal" adults, but work can add its own stress to the mix. You still need respite time to recharge your own batteries. At least some of the respite time should be "me" time. Doing errands doesn't count.

There are other things you can do, but the number one essential is to take breaks from the constant caregiving.
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You are remarkable! You are an angel. As others have suggested get help. You cannot continue this path alone. You can only help others when you are well. We are no good to ourselves or others when we are emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I pray that you do what is best for you. I, always, believed that if there is a heaven angels like you certainly have a reserved place. I pray for you and all caregivers.
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I think you are doing amazing things.

I hope you look back over at each day and feel like you have been a precious contribution to everyone and everything you have done. I hope you feel good and blessed that you have been such an angel!

Each interaction, each good thing you do... I hope you are proud of yourself and can feel very, very good about it. At the end of a long, long time of that you will have a huge pile of good things that will make up your very kind life.
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Your question is " how do you come out on the other side without being completely crazy?"
Don't look at the other side because you are not on the other side yet. You are "here" now. Take it day by day. Your strength builds gradually, your ability to endure grows gradually. Yes, get help. Your job outside of the home will keep you In touch with "normal." You will not be crazy, you will be remarkable. Please get some help to come in. xo
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Dear you are really dealing with a tremendous amount on your plate. You really should ask for help. It has taken me about a year and a half to get to the point of where I actually ask for the help that I so needed. Please do not take on this burden alone. Don't wait until it has completely overwhelmed you, do it now. Your love and devotion are only as good to them as your emotional and physical health are. Please take care of yourself and your loved ones will benefit from the care that you can provide them without being exhausted mentally and physically. Prayers going out to you and your family.
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Wow I thought I had it bad! Angelmaker and ejbunicom you are both carrying a heavy load. I had two here but one, my brother in law just went to a Veteran's home. I just had a knee arthroscopy and I was totally prepared for it. All food cooked ahead of time. Of course it did not go as planned. I was nauseous from the pain meds so I had to stop taking them until the next day. When a friend brught me the anti nausea med, I asked my husband to get me a glass of water. I was shocked that he didn't have a clue about what I was asking! He is even worse than I thought mentally. Physically he is really pretty good. He just has no clue about what I am talking. I would suggest church, friends, family all be contacted for help as well as state or county help. Take ALL that they will give you. Was either of the older folk in the service. Their plan is fabulous for taking on new patients. Good luck with everything. I haven't really asked for any help yet, except for a couple of meals when I was down with the surgery. At any rate my surgery was last Thursday. It is Sunday and I feel great today.....no pain meds needed. I have just started going to support groups for AZ caregivers. I have gone to only one.
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Your situation sounds very stressful. I wouldn't be so quick to say that someone else's situation is worse than yours because your situation sounds very difficult. Why is it that you do not have any help with your mother's care? If she has Mediciad, she is eligible for many services at home as well as for nursing home placement if she has so many illnesses in addition to dementia. If not, there may be respite services available to you in your area. It is no wonder that your marriage is in trouble, given the fact that your mother's care is so consuming of your time and causing you such distress. Have you and your husband gone to couples therapy? It may also be possible for you learn to drive if you can get someone to watch your mother while you take lessons. Unless you live in a place like NYC where there is excellent public transportation, driving is a really important skill.
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I am so sorry for you, your situation is even worse then mine and I am losing my mind, I already take 6 mg of xanax a day, full time caregiver for my 75 year old mother who lives with me and has dementia and many other diseases, My husband wants a divorce, I don't drive, I am scared to death. I will keep you in my prayers and would appreciate you keeping me and my mom in yours, hugs
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Thank you I will give it a shot. Times get tough trying to juggle it all. Only one sibling, man, not much help. My kids try when allowed. Glad there is someone out there who understands the multiple problems involved.
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You have more to cope with than most people, since your relatively young husband is so ill and your parents in their 90s! Can your siblings do more for you parents so that you can concentrate on your husband? It seems he's declining the most at this time.
I'd suggest that you contact the National Family Caregivers Support Program in your state. If you type your state name in your search engine and then aging or another similar search word, you should find caregiving and the NFCSP program. Some state's use a slightly different title but every state has a program. They can be very helpful. Maybe they can find a way for you to get some respite.
Take care,
Carol
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