My mother has always been a stubborn, I am always right, my way or no way, type of person. My father passed away in 2005. I am the only living relative she has other than my two daughters. My mother is a fall risk and falls 3 to 4 times a year. She always goes to the hospital and some bone has always broken in the fall as she has severe osteoporosis also.
She would come to my house to recuperate after each one of these falls after coming out of skilled nursing. She would stay with me anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks depending on how she was and then she would go back to her own home.
Three months ago was completely different. She never did recover and her dementia got even worse where I thought it was completely unsafe to have her alone at her own home.
Really didn't want her to live with me (I have always loved her, but her unwillingness to hear any other side of a discussion has made it impossible to enjoy her company). Now, with the CONSTANT questioning over and over and over again and her REFUSAL to use the walker inside the house has made me despise her. I know she can't help the dementia, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me at all. She asks the same things over and over again and gets pissed off if I tell her the truth. When I put the walker in front of her she pushes it away and tells me to stop treating her "like a child" when I beg/demand/bargain/plead/explain for her to use the walker so she doesn't fall. She tells me she doesn't need the walker and the doctors are wrong because they don't see her everyday, so how do they know?
She IS very appreciative of all the things I do for her, everything from getting her dressed and undressed and bathed and laundry and everything, everything, everything. Those who do it, know.
I feel that I have it twice as bad because it's not "just" the dementia (which is impossible to deal with), but it's also the fall issue. She doesn't remember ANY of the at least 8 times she has fallen. None of them. And STILL insists on not using the walker. I feel she is being very selfish (I know. I know. She can't help it because of the dementia) because it's me that has to suffer too when she falls as I have to go to the hospital and "donate" five hours of my time there waiting and waiting for something that could be avoided.
So, here's my questions:
1. Regarding using the walker, should I continue to insist (and then have subsequent and frequent arguments) that she use it, or should I just point it out to her that she should use it, and then take the very real risk that she could fall.
2. I have a deep, dark secret. Yeah, probably not so much anymore. I hate her. Okay, I hate the dementia. But really, the two are so tightly intermingled right now that they exist as one anyway. I wonder when she will pass away so that I don't have to go through the minute by minute torture of 24/7 care of someone who is physically disabled and mentally disabled. Clearly, I am a piece of trash daughter because I should be praying for her to stick around forever..and I'm not.
3. How do you fight the anger/resentment? It doesn't help that I am an only child and completely and utterly all alone with this. She expects me to do everything for her, and I do, but I feel very angry at her not helping herself (think: walker!) and very resentful that I have to do this alone
I promised her I would never put her in a home. It would break her heart if I did. I'm going to do this for as long as I physically and emotionally am able to. Just trying to see if anyone has any golden nuggets of advice.