How do I suppress my anger and resentment against my 81 year old mother who has moderate to severe dementia?

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My mother has always been a stubborn, I am always right, my way or no way, type of person. My father passed away in 2005. I am the only living relative she has other than my two daughters. My mother is a fall risk and falls 3 to 4 times a year. She always goes to the hospital and some bone has always broken in the fall as she has severe osteoporosis also.

She would come to my house to recuperate after each one of these falls after coming out of skilled nursing. She would stay with me anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks depending on how she was and then she would go back to her own home.

Three months ago was completely different. She never did recover and her dementia got even worse where I thought it was completely unsafe to have her alone at her own home.

Really didn't want her to live with me (I have always loved her, but her unwillingness to hear any other side of a discussion has made it impossible to enjoy her company). Now, with the CONSTANT questioning over and over and over again and her REFUSAL to use the walker inside the house has made me despise her. I know she can't help the dementia, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me at all. She asks the same things over and over again and gets pissed off if I tell her the truth. When I put the walker in front of her she pushes it away and tells me to stop treating her "like a child" when I beg/demand/bargain/plead/explain for her to use the walker so she doesn't fall. She tells me she doesn't need the walker and the doctors are wrong because they don't see her everyday, so how do they know?

She IS very appreciative of all the things I do for her, everything from getting her dressed and undressed and bathed and laundry and everything, everything, everything. Those who do it, know.

I feel that I have it twice as bad because it's not "just" the dementia (which is impossible to deal with), but it's also the fall issue. She doesn't remember ANY of the at least 8 times she has fallen. None of them. And STILL insists on not using the walker. I feel she is being very selfish (I know. I know. She can't help it because of the dementia) because it's me that has to suffer too when she falls as I have to go to the hospital and "donate" five hours of my time there waiting and waiting for something that could be avoided.

So, here's my questions:
1. Regarding using the walker, should I continue to insist (and then have subsequent and frequent arguments) that she use it, or should I just point it out to her that she should use it, and then take the very real risk that she could fall.

2. I have a deep, dark secret. Yeah, probably not so much anymore. I hate her. Okay, I hate the dementia. But really, the two are so tightly intermingled right now that they exist as one anyway. I wonder when she will pass away so that I don't have to go through the minute by minute torture of 24/7 care of someone who is physically disabled and mentally disabled. Clearly, I am a piece of trash daughter because I should be praying for her to stick around forever..and I'm not.

3. How do you fight the anger/resentment? It doesn't help that I am an only child and completely and utterly all alone with this. She expects me to do everything for her, and I do, but I feel very angry at her not helping herself (think: walker!) and very resentful that I have to do this alone

I promised her I would never put her in a home. It would break her heart if I did. I'm going to do this for as long as I physically and emotionally am able to. Just trying to see if anyone has any golden nuggets of advice.

Thanks!

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I’m so glad I’m not alone in the same feelings y’all told. I’ve accepted that the next few years will be a horrible nightmare with a couple of tiny specks of good. Thank you all so much for your candor. My Mother has bad stage 4 vascular dementia and repeated falls and, so far, only one broken hip.
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Having operator failure here. I’ll try again.
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I had to tell our elder that we loved him and wanted him with us. But if he could not follow the rules and bath every other day and wear protection, and accept help from a nurse, he would have to go into a home, he shaped up immediate
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I feel your frustration, I too am an only child, I care for my 73 yrs old mom with Vascular dementia, she resided at a residential facility for 6 yes before it closed & she came to live with me, you're not a trash daughter, just overwhelmed, I chuckled when I read that because I too have felt that way about myself, as one of the readers wrote, try being more assertive, you & mom have swap places, your her guardian now.
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Omgoodness we have the same mother. Mine is not at all thankful for me not one bit. My mother left my brother and I in a mobile home with no lights, no water and no gas to move into a hotel with a man when I was 13. Talk about pissed off. Im pissed off. I wrote this long story about it. When I tried to post it. The page wipped it all out. I wish I could help you but im at the end of my rope. Im considering walking out on her like she did me. Just thought it might help you to know you are not alone.
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No answer to help but I have been trying to find how to get her in a home. The dementia does get worse. Just wait, U think its bad now- U are in for a eye opener. I actually hate my life listening to repeats, accusations and hostility day after day. What gets me is when a relative comes in and makes judgements on U. Thats when U really blow because they only come over for an hour twice a month.
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Sounds like my situation , so don't feel U R only one. i am so fed up that I just want to drop her off somewhere
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Loulou, many of us here know exactly how you're feeling. My mother will go downhill for a while, then get better. I go back and forth between thinking death is near and that she is going to live forever. I've told my mother I would stay with her until I wasn't able to care for her anymore. Now that I am getting old myself, I wonder which one of us is going to pass first.
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Wow it's like you are writing for me here. So brave of you to admit what I, and I am sure many of us feel. I have conflicting emotions towards my Mother now as I am expected to show her the care and tolerance she failed to show me as a child and that resentment seems to be surfacing the more she deteriorates. Also, she was always quite egocentric (I really wanted to type selfish but that seems so harsh). Sometimes I think she is 'acting up' on purpose just to be awkward or annoy me.
I never wanted to be a caregiver and never had children.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder and cope very badly with stress
And I basically really hate myself for being so angry at her!
This is really terrible, terrible, terrible to admit, but I am more patient, tolerant, caring, attentive, whatever!, in public or in front of my friends than I am in private. I can't tell anyone how I feel, I think they would be disgusted with me.
She was also diagnosed with stage 4 terminal lung cancer in February and given 6 months and has just had another scan and X-ray and they are delighted with her lack of deterioration, I'm not! God that is so bad and selfish. I just have this hate inside me but also I pity her terribly as she looks so lost.
Thanks for letting me admit this here, so hard and so sad.
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Karenp and I could be clones! I wonder how she and her mom are today. I just joined this site out of desperation and find it amusing and heartbreaking at the same time that so many are experiencing what I am. I think at times I'm going to scream and two minutes later I'm asking God to give Ned strength and patience and to forgive me. In z word... It's a mess with no answers in sight.
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