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My mother has always been a stubborn, I am always right, my way or no way, type of person. My father passed away in 2005. I am the only living relative she has other than my two daughters. My mother is a fall risk and falls 3 to 4 times a year. She always goes to the hospital and some bone has always broken in the fall as she has severe osteoporosis also.

She would come to my house to recuperate after each one of these falls after coming out of skilled nursing. She would stay with me anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks depending on how she was and then she would go back to her own home.

Three months ago was completely different. She never did recover and her dementia got even worse where I thought it was completely unsafe to have her alone at her own home.

Really didn't want her to live with me (I have always loved her, but her unwillingness to hear any other side of a discussion has made it impossible to enjoy her company). Now, with the CONSTANT questioning over and over and over again and her REFUSAL to use the walker inside the house has made me despise her. I know she can't help the dementia, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me at all. She asks the same things over and over again and gets pissed off if I tell her the truth. When I put the walker in front of her she pushes it away and tells me to stop treating her "like a child" when I beg/demand/bargain/plead/explain for her to use the walker so she doesn't fall. She tells me she doesn't need the walker and the doctors are wrong because they don't see her everyday, so how do they know?

She IS very appreciative of all the things I do for her, everything from getting her dressed and undressed and bathed and laundry and everything, everything, everything. Those who do it, know.

I feel that I have it twice as bad because it's not "just" the dementia (which is impossible to deal with), but it's also the fall issue. She doesn't remember ANY of the at least 8 times she has fallen. None of them. And STILL insists on not using the walker. I feel she is being very selfish (I know. I know. She can't help it because of the dementia) because it's me that has to suffer too when she falls as I have to go to the hospital and "donate" five hours of my time there waiting and waiting for something that could be avoided.

So, here's my questions:
1. Regarding using the walker, should I continue to insist (and then have subsequent and frequent arguments) that she use it, or should I just point it out to her that she should use it, and then take the very real risk that she could fall.

2. I have a deep, dark secret. Yeah, probably not so much anymore. I hate her. Okay, I hate the dementia. But really, the two are so tightly intermingled right now that they exist as one anyway. I wonder when she will pass away so that I don't have to go through the minute by minute torture of 24/7 care of someone who is physically disabled and mentally disabled. Clearly, I am a piece of trash daughter because I should be praying for her to stick around forever..and I'm not.

3. How do you fight the anger/resentment? It doesn't help that I am an only child and completely and utterly all alone with this. She expects me to do everything for her, and I do, but I feel very angry at her not helping herself (think: walker!) and very resentful that I have to do this alone

I promised her I would never put her in a home. It would break her heart if I did. I'm going to do this for as long as I physically and emotionally am able to. Just trying to see if anyone has any golden nuggets of advice.

Thanks!

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I would treat her the way I would like to be treated when I am in her condition and if you cannot do it, please find someone that can.
Alz Poem...
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand

I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.

Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold me, Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.

Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.
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Omgoodness we have the same mother. Mine is not at all thankful for me not one bit. My mother left my brother and I in a mobile home with no lights, no water and no gas to move into a hotel with a man when I was 13. Talk about pissed off. Im pissed off. I wrote this long story about it. When I tried to post it. The page wipped it all out. I wish I could help you but im at the end of my rope. Im considering walking out on her like she did me. Just thought it might help you to know you are not alone.
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I would put her in a home myself. Let them deal with her aggression. It's too much for you to monitor that 24/7 and clearly she won't cooperate with the walker which leaves the burden on you and also the "liability" for her falling.
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I know you wrote this in 2013 and it's almost 2016 but I just read your post and you made me laugh. I had to laugh because I'm going through something similar with my mother now and am feeling the same way. I know I'm not the only one with these feelings now. Thanks for this. I hope your mom is at peace today along with you.
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karen, its enough to start a nun effing. some old timers are totally self absorbed and will never understand the modern complicated world that you live in. i dont know what to tell you except i know that a person will only push you as far as youll let them. youre being too negotiable. convince your elder that youre not to be dismissed and you are making the decisions and she is full of shit clear up to her eyeballs. practice your maniacle faces in the mirror if you have too but overall let her know that you are about half hinged. a person suffering with dementia is difficult to reason with. the only thing they seem to understand is someone slightly crazier than they are. im not suggesting abuse here, im suggesting an overwhelming degree of control. your elder is seeking a controlling influence whether they realize it or not.. they have trouble making decisions. you need to step up and become the decision maker even if all your decisions arent perfect.
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karen, some old people with (or without) dementia do not appreciate their limitations. They think walker is for some old person, not them. They can walk just fine without the walker. Most of the time they do, but it is catastrophic when they do fall. Unfortunately, when the mind is confused, an elder does not consider the possible consequences. All they know is they do not plan to fall. It is usually pointless to try to tell them that no one plans to fall, that it is why it is called an accident. Sometimes the best we can do is say that the doctor says they have to use a walker, and that we are just following doctor's orders. This usually doesn't work, either, if an elder is dead set against using the walker.

I found that it is easier to get my mother to use a rollator than a walker. Still, she will not use it in the house. I am glad that she will use it anytime she goes anywhere. We never leave home without it. She won't use a cane, but she will use a long walking stick -- the type used for hiking. I think it's easier on her back and feels more sporting.

Much of the problem in taking care of our parents comes from their feeling loss of control. Their feelings may mirror our own -- they might resent that need us in order to stay independent, while we resent them for the same reason. Ideally a pair should be able to work out a nice system of mutual need. Many or most times that doesn't happen, however, so one side feels put upon by the other.

When a person has dementia, it is important to give them a sense of control over their lives. I usually give two choices at a time -- do you want fish or chicken, do you want to go out this afternoon or tomorrow, etc. The good thing about having two choices is that has to be one of the other, with no room for an option that is not acceptable. Perhaps you could ask your mother if she prefers to use a walker or a rollator. If you think she will say neither, maybe it would be good to give a choice between a walker or a 4-prong cane. My mother is more apt to accept something if she feels she is part of the decision.

I could write a book, but I know other people will have some good ideas. Most people here know exactly how you feel. They call us the "sandwich generation." For some of us, it is more like the "vice grip generation." We are being squeezed.
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Karen, first of all I don't believe you are a "piece of trash" daughter. Secondly, I know how you feel being the 'only child' and basically "stuck". I'm my fathers only child, he is 70 and was diagnosed January 2012 with fronto lobe dementia. At this very moment I am trying to decide if I should seek guardianship. I have power of attorney but apparently in the state of Illinois unless you have guardianship even though he is crazier than a bed bug (sorry capnhardass!) he can make his own decisions - legally that is. He doesn't live with me so I don't have the added stress that you have and I sincerely feel for you!!! He lives in a highrise building that is for seniors and the disabled and due to his low income he has a "housekeeper" come in to clean and fix food for him 7 days a week for a few hours each day. He convinced his housekeeper to drive him 50 miles across state lines to his bank and cleaned out his checking and savings. This is the second housekeeper this has happened with - the first time $9,000 was cleaned out - he left less than $30 in the account. At that time I wasn't POA and by the time I saw the bank statement and the withdrawal which was like a month later he only had $1800 on him. This from a man that hadn't left his apt. in months - never found the other $7200. AND to add insult to injury this is what it took for the drs. to HEAR what I was saying that there was something wrong. A $9,000 withdrawal is what it took for them to hear me say - "hey something is really wrong - he isn't acting right". Talk about angry!!!! No nuggets of wisdom - but plenty of empathy for you!
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you are not a piece of trash daughter!!! you are in a vice grip, with no outlet. every day is the same as the one before. no wonder our resentments build up and overtake us. caregiving for someone 24/7 wears anyone down, and for me the anger/resentment comes from knowing there is no way out, except to go through.

i have instituted "non negotiables" and talk like a matron when we get to these issues, like : "you may not have coffee until your bowels have worked, we will be sticking to warm prune juice" (having an issue at the moment with holding it in) or, "we cannot go outside for a walk until you have your gloves on, here they are, put them on now". ( we have had a really cold winter).

it is working, miraculously. i feel like the bossy haridan from hell, but it is working, where suggestions, and please, and perhaps you coulds don't work.

would your mom respond to the 'matron' voice of authority, like my FIL does? its interesting that he is the meanest, most manipulative (sob) around and ignored me flat/ lied about me, but the minute i became authorative and " gave orders" he does what i tell him.

my FIL would not use the bath mats, and of course the inevitable happened, he fell and hurt himself badly. now, my matron voice says, its bath time, you WILL use the non slip mats, lets wash the hair now, and it happens.

re the walker, i have found the rollator is easier and lighter, and perhaps that is an issue here?

re his constant put downs and mean comments, i have started to just ignore them. taken me forever, but ignoring them, unless they get too bad, and then i say (matron voice), "we are not going to do this unless you can behave yourself and be decent and respectful"

part of me thinks he is responding to the voice of authority, like the doctors and nurses use. part of me thinks we have crossed some threashhold in his mind where he is realising he has now got parameters and borders to operate in.

with our parents, we expect them to be able to observe their own borders of behaviours, but with dementia, we have to become the guardians even of this, and patrol their borders for them.

i don't know whether this would work for you, but it is giving me some respite from the constant refusals and stubborness. but at the very least, please don't think of yourself of trash .... if we were honest with ourselves, most people on this forum have prayed or cried out in despair at some point for it all to please just END.

much love to you, xx
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Wow it's like you are writing for me here. So brave of you to admit what I, and I am sure many of us feel. I have conflicting emotions towards my Mother now as I am expected to show her the care and tolerance she failed to show me as a child and that resentment seems to be surfacing the more she deteriorates. Also, she was always quite egocentric (I really wanted to type selfish but that seems so harsh). Sometimes I think she is 'acting up' on purpose just to be awkward or annoy me.
I never wanted to be a caregiver and never had children.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder and cope very badly with stress
And I basically really hate myself for being so angry at her!
This is really terrible, terrible, terrible to admit, but I am more patient, tolerant, caring, attentive, whatever!, in public or in front of my friends than I am in private. I can't tell anyone how I feel, I think they would be disgusted with me.
She was also diagnosed with stage 4 terminal lung cancer in February and given 6 months and has just had another scan and X-ray and they are delighted with her lack of deterioration, I'm not! God that is so bad and selfish. I just have this hate inside me but also I pity her terribly as she looks so lost.
Thanks for letting me admit this here, so hard and so sad.
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Loulou, many of us here know exactly how you're feeling. My mother will go downhill for a while, then get better. I go back and forth between thinking death is near and that she is going to live forever. I've told my mother I would stay with her until I wasn't able to care for her anymore. Now that I am getting old myself, I wonder which one of us is going to pass first.
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