I snapped. I ran away. Now what do I do?

I, too, am concerned for not hearing from Mimsey for a week. I've been checking to see if she has posted. Her safety is of utmost concern and that would be a reason to report a post. It is our business as supporters on this site to care and a week with no post from her is worrisome. Mimsey, if you're out there, please let us know that you're o.k. We don't have to have specifics, but just to know you are O.K. We truly do care, that is what this site is all about and if you've been reading, there are many, many who do care. xxxooo with Love, Blessings and Prayers for you to be safe and cared for in your own right.

Mimsey,

Dear heart,
THANK YOU for rescuing yourself!

You set perfectly reasonable, firm limits on other's use of your time, resources & self.
Of course, others will not understand--at first...may get mad, may act out, etc...
...they want you to go back to the same-old-same-old destructive spot you had been in, to take yet more mistreatment.
It IS mistreatment, when those around you, who could help, don't.

STICK to your good, reasonable limits--
--otherwise, others will understand immediately, that you never really meant it about needing help, a break, relief, anything...and it kicks the door open for yet more abuse of you by others.
STICK TO YOUR LIMITS!

Frankly, even spouses who may otherwise seem sweet and wonderful, may not be so, as when under pressure in scenes like yours, they show themselves.
IF they will treat you like this under these circumstances, what will they treat you like when you need help and advocacy?

It seems caregiving elders at home, can often cause unstable partnerships to finally break.
OTH, it may help those who've been struggling with things over time, to become stronger, as we work through our issues more productively, prodded by the issues of caregiving stressors.

Please take care of YOU!
If you need it, get some good counseling, so you can learn better coping skills.
You can poke around online for many things that help...someone on this site posted about narcissistic mothers--it could be very helpful--could be someone else is narcissistic-- or not, if that's not what's going on.

{{hugs!}}

Let your husband do it and let us know when he packs his things and runs away too? You did the right thing. I would only take care of my own two parents , nobody else's EVER! After all they My in-laws ) & ( lol , I'm on my third set and have never even met these ones thank G-d) did not take care of me when I was a child . She has her son , your husbands Mother ( and no longer his wife ). My Husband has been wonderful with both my parents though , but they have been more parents to him for the past 20 years than his own ( he has not seen his own in 30 years). My Daddy was a Doctor himself so is my hubby. On August 20 , 2013 it will be 1 year since we lost my beloved Daddy. My Mummy is in a group home and my Hubby goes to see her more and takes her out for dinner at the club more than I do. So I guess sometimes the third time is the Charm ( well it has been for both of us ) It will be 19 or 20 years on July 30 , 2013 . Last year my daddy was so ill we forgot all about it. this year we will make up for it , big time! Hugs to You and I stand in Awe of how BRAVE you are . Do Not go Back , until something changes and not just words! Talk's Cheap!

you snapped and ran away......now you enjoy your freedom.......take a deep breath and enjoy yourself.......live it up......do all the things you couldn't do when you were tied down......you got away from the servitude of caregiving......ENJOY!

I came back to this question because I really wanted to know how Mimsey was doing and hoped that she had posted an update.

While we can all tell you BRAVO Mimsey for walking away, you have to live your life in whatever way you choose. Please just know that we are thinking about you and praying for you and the other members of your family!

God Bless You All!

I have written Mimsey personally as well as in this thread. No responses at all ! !

I don't know if there is any way to do something without opening a can of worms. We are all concerned about her welfare, and one person is concerned about privacy issues as well. I feel quite conflicted over this. On the one hand, I feel like I should try to do something. On the other hand, we are all adults and responsible for our own welfare, and this is a site to vent and share, and seek guidance from others. So far, I have done nothing except offer my suggestions and ask that Mimsey give us an update as soon as she is able. Maybe a week is not enough to arrange reliable security for herself, or maybe she went to a women's shelter where her privacy is very closely guarded (hence no communication lines). Who knows? I want to trust that she trusts her instincts to protect herself and won't go back to the source of her troubles. I'll just keep praying for her and hope for the best.

A lot of people post here one time and never return. I assume that Mimsey is one of them.

It's interesting how, with no further encouragement from Mimsey, we all JUMPED at the chance to tell a caregiver to get out and not come back. Do you think we might be living out our fantasies through her?

Of course - many of us are not in a position to walk out - I am not since there really isn't anyone else to take care of my husband. But if we are honest, there are many times that we would all like to do what she did.

LOL, Jinx4740, that was a mouth full! Fantasy! Go Mimsey, go!

Ditto that Jinx and Balexander! But we may also have put her in an awkward situation as for whatever the reason she may have returned to her home, MIL and Husband. And she never said she was physically abused, mentally and emotionally yes. As a past victim of domestic abuse..the physical kind, I know I returned to that situation a few times before I could no longer take it. If she has returned she may be embarrased to post. As with all that post here, we can only be supportive and keep those of us here in our thoughts and prayers.

Good point, Pekilove. She might've gone back for whatever reason and she doesn't want to "disappoint" us all. If you're reading this, Mimsey, some/most/all(?) of us do understand that sometimes what we want to do and what we can actually do are two different things. We only know a little bit of your story and I, for one, am in no position to judge. Just know we've been thinking about you and if you get the chance to pop in just to say 'I'm okay', please do. :)

If she has followed the answers to her post she may have been frightened off by the mentions of people trying to find her. She probably thought she was being anonymous with her post and was wary of being traced.

I'm so proud of this community for responding with such compassion! Mimsey did what she had to do. You all understand. Stay strong, Mimsey, set boundaries, work on your own health and your other relationships will find their proper order.
Take care of yourselves - all of you. You're the best!
Carol

Agree with Jinx4740 - Mimsey expressed and acted on something many of us have had. Maybe she's too busy taking care of herself to come back to the forum.

I think she came here, found that we agreed that her action was the right thing to do and, being satisfied, and wanting no longer to even think about the situation she left (good riddance), she has gone on her way. She's now free from the concern about all the stuff we put up with. I might just react that way myself. During the time my mom is in rehab, I didn't want to have to give any more time to worrying about her; she is in good hands 24 hours and day and why drive myself nuts some more with the 24 hour concerns I was carrying? Let it go and enjoy the time! And that's what I'm doing.

We can fantasize about Mimsey escaping as many of us would like to do - sometimes it's nice to live vicariously (if that is your only option). That may or may not be what happened but it's nice to imagine that she is "free" so why not let ourselves believe that.

Oh-oh-oh-oh! You ALL back me up! I can hardly believe it. I've felt so guilty. I've been reading through all these and crying and crying. I haven't been online in awhile except for a little bit of email. I have to go now, but I am much better. I'll tell all of you what has been going on as soon as I can get back online. Thank you all so very very much. You are wonderful!

Mimsey......thank God you're alright.......thanku for posting......As you can see.....you have many,many people that care n love you n are very worried about your safety....Please post again, soon, n let us know now things are going....I'm soooo grateful I was online when your post popped up....I feel much better now......much love, sweet friend.....Beck

Thanks for checking in Mimsey!

When you get a chance, if you feel like it, let us know what (and how) you are doing. As you can see, many people on this site have been thinking about you and wishing you well. We want what is best for you and will support whatever decisions you have made. Just try not to feel guilty about whatever it is that you have decided to do - you have already done so much more than anyone has a right to expect of another person.

When you get a chance, if you feel like it, let us know what (and how) you are doing. As you can see, many people on this site have been thinking about you and wishing you well. We want what is best for you and will support whatever decisions you have made. Just try not to feel guilty about whatever it is that you have decided to do - you have already done so much more than anyone has a right to expect of another person.

Yay, Mimsey! I just cried a little, too. I'm so glad you are doing better now!

MIMSEY, So glad to hear form you. I've kept checking in thinking about you and hoping you are doing well. As folks here have said, we can't run away and were living through you! Until you return to fill us in, godspeed in your journey. Jessica

WHEW ! ! ! ! ! MIMSEY IS ALL RIGHT ! ! ! ! !

Ditto on all the comments - we've all been wondering and I've been praying that you're o.k. So glad to hear from you, Mimsey, and I know from all the posts that it is good news for all. Only share here what you feel like you want to. We don't need details, just what you are comfortable with. Hugs/ oooxxx

Glad you're ok.

I know God watches over all of us Mimsey and I'm so glad to hear from you. ysic, southernyankee.

Words fail me when I try to express to you all what your support means to me and how much you have helped/are helping me. I’m sorry to have worried you by not getting back in touch.
I tried communicating with hubby via email. (I wouldn’t accept cell phone calls & kept my GPS turned off.) His only email replies were “Please come home.” We finally met on “neutral ground” at a restaurant to discuss his mother’s care. My position then – and now – is that I am no longer willing or able to care for her.
After a lengthy, strange, discussion (more like 20 Questions several times over), I finally learned that Hubby’s being so dead-set against placing his mother in long-term care has nothing to do with money, as he’s always claimed. His real reason is that he “wants her to die at home.” Oops. Impasse.

We finally compromised as follows:
When we (I) began caring for my MIL, we built an extension onto her house for us to live in. Our apartment consists of an office/study, bedroom, large bath, and double walk-in closet, with our own separate door to the outside. The office/study of our apartment connects to the hallway of the main house. When my MIL is out of her room, I am self-exiled to our apartment or the outdoors. When she is asleep or off the premises, I enter the main house to do things I must do there (laundry, cooking, etc.). I do not see her, speak to her, cook for her, take her to the doctor or the hair dresser, help her dress, pick out her clothes, try to get her to shower or change her underwear, administer her meds -- nothing. I don’t even respond to her if she sees me and speaks to me. I literally do not interface with my MIL at all. Period.

It sounds extreme. And it is. But it seems to be working. I no longer have constant stomach cramps and diarrhea. I think I’ve finally stopped losing weight. No panic attacks in days, and I’ve been able to stop taking Clonapin.
It’s not a perfect solution, but I’m willing to try it until the end of the summer. (I feel better setting a time limit.) I’ve been so cut off that I literally have no friends in this entire area. But, I’ve started going places on my own or with one or both of my sons. I’m trying to get my life back and keep my marriage, too, in that order. I’m not sure if that is even possible. I guess I’ll find out.

Hugs and blessings to all of you for being here for me.

Hopefully you have a place to go to... kids, siblings, etc. Whatever you do, don't go back till hubby has had a good long time alone with momma and figures out a solution. Find a job, Waitress? Front Desk Clerk? Checker at a Grocery store? Anything to give yourself purpose and some spending money. You also want your husband to know you are serious. A job, and eventually an apartment or room somewhere will help prove it.

I commend you! She is not your mother and not your responsibility anymore. 8 years is long enough!