I snapped. I ran away. Now what do I do?

It sounds like you have set your boundaries. If you are not there, hubbie will figure out very quickly just how much work this is. It sounds like she does need in-patient care, and you are completely burned out. Bless you for lasting as long as you did.

You may have just done something you absolutely needed to do. Just focus on recovering. If hubby does not step up and do anything now that he can't just dump it all on you, and you get wind that her care is not any good, you can call adult protective services. Maybe he promised never to "put her in a home" but maybe if he had incentive to look into it he'd find out about home care support options that would have made it tolerable for you. It is sad he did not listen until you had to vote with your feet, but from the angst in your post, you hung on as long as humanly possible or reasonable and then some; you were being abused and now need to recover. Do not guilt yourself into walking back in there if nothing has changed.

You know the old adage of putting the oxygen on yourself before your child if on an airplane. I think it applies to this situation as well. You have to take care of yourself before you can care for others. I also think your husband has taken advantage of your good heart. You have drawn the line, stick to it or call APS as suggested to get her in to a home where both of you (mainly you) will get some rest.

Your husband sounds selfish, quite frankly. You poor thing. I can't imagine the burden you've been carrying. I pray you find peace and the healing you desperately need. Are you okay financially? Are you in a safe place? Bless you.

You might feel you snapped, but I don't know why you didn't a long time ago. Don't back down now. If you do your husband will not take your threats seriously. I think you think you've done something wrong but where I'm sitting, I get it. Good luck and prayers.

Bravo Mimsey! You've finally taken a stance - now stick to it. You now 5 caregivers on your side Time for hubby's wake-up call. He has been selfish and inconsiderate of your good nature. It's his mother - let him deal with it. Just take a deep breath and start convincing yourself that your personal health counts too. You need this break. I hope you are staying with supportive family members or friends. When hubby wakes up, you will have the upper hand. There comes a time when one person can no longer do it all, and promises to keep a loved one out of a NH just is not possible anymore. When hubby wakes up to this, I hope he will listen to reason. In the meantime concentrate on you!

Wow! This must be one of the toughest (yet necessary) things a person has to do! Courage, my friend, you've taken that very important first step. I know that you will have much to do and think about within the next few days, I wish you peace and happiness on your journey.

i agree with everyone else here. you made the biggest step by leaving. dont falter, and reclaim your own life and marriage if possible. the dementia care is nearly impossible for one person. hubby may feel like hes carrying his share by working hard to provide but chances are youre working even harder and with no recognition or appreciation for it.. hubby might be a good man but even good men need a kick in the balls every now and then..

STAY PUT! If your husband thinks he can pacify you with empty words, he will now know you mean what you say.

I'll add my support too...good for you mimsey!! Stay strong, don't back down. Eight years??!! You're a saint!

Mimsey.......first of all.....don't waste your energy on guilt....What you did, in leaving, took incredible courage, n for the first time in 8yrs...you put yourself first, which is what desperately needed to happen....It takes a very special person to be a caregiver.....A person with endless amounts of patience, long suffering, n above all else.....selflessness....which you have been. It's time that your husband see you for what you really are.....a woman who has sacrificed her own needs for those of her family.....Eventually, we all come to our breaking point, n need to draw that bold line in the sand....n that is exactly what you did.....You showed an incredible amount of courage, in leaving, n it seems from your post......it was long overdue...From your description of your husband n his unwillingness to help with his own mother,the situation needed much more than the spoken word n repeated pleas from you that you needed HIS help. Leaving him alone, to take on the full responsibility of his mothers care, is all that was left.......

Now....it seems to me that the most important thing before you is your own safety...Hopefully, you're with friends or family that can be of emotional support to you, when you need it most.....Your final question in your post.."Now what do I do?".........Well, start by taking a deep, deep breath...n embrace the fact that you deserve this time, alone.....no guilt......just accept that you left.....n for ALL the right reasons.....You are important, valuable, n beyond worthy of taking this time for yourself....It won't be long before your husband realizes just how valuable you are, but that's not the most important part of all this .....What's important is that YOU realize your worth as a woman, wife, caregiver......Take this time to honor yourself......As caregivers, we don't think to honor ourselves, becuz we're always giving everything we have, to others.......You are a remarkable woman, having shown such strength, long suffering, selflessness, n commitment n loyalty to your family.......You have shown tremendous grace in your love n kindness to others.....Now, it's your turn......Begin this next phase of your life with your head held high, n be proud of all that you have given.....I admire you for leaving your situation ......n putting yourself first.....There are so many caregivers that you have helped to find their own inner strength , n many of us wish we could reach through cyber space, n give you a long, heartfelt hug......Me, being one of those caregivers..... Stay strong......n take as much time as your beautiful heart needs, to find yourself ......Everything will work out, just as it should..... In my opinion.....you're remarkable...........Hugs, hugs, n more hugs..... You're going to make it through this.......with all the grace that you always had to begin with.....Blessings........Beck

You have gone above and beyond the call of duty! Bless you for staying as long as you did! Past time to take care of yourself. Breathe, relax and know you did your very best. We are all here for you!

You did exactly what you had to do. Being the care giver was killing you. Be aware that there is still a lot of responsibility once the patient is in a nursing home, etc. Do not take on anything that you do not want to, like visiting every day.

What you have done is merely the act of self preservation---fight or flight finally erupted in your mind. You have every right to take care yourself---FIRST! I would have done the same thing. Your husband is a clod----he has detached himself and put all the burden on you, caring for HIS mother. I would have seen the divorce lawyer years ago. You've done more than enough and let him carry on without you.

Since you have escaped stay away. You have what you need to take care of yourself, seems like your husband has not thought about your needs and well being for a long time. Let him take care of his mother and if you want to see him, go out with him on dates and get to know him again and see for yourself if this is really the kind of man you want in your life, you may want another life of your own.

what do you do now? Stay right where your at until husband puts ML in care unit or she passes, like you said......good luck....don't doubt yourself....your doing the right thing.....

And more support coming from me. Caregiving is a difficult task and for heaven's sake it's his mother not yours! The fact that he continued to expect you to carry the burden in caring for his mother is....(fill in the blank). If you have a place to stay do so and heal. I was working full time when I got married and the marriage was a disaster from the start and abusive. I saved as much of my paycheck as possible each payday because my plan was to leave and I did. I have been happily divorced for years. The ball is in his court regarding his mother. On a recent Dr Phil show, not that I am impressed with his work all of the time, he spoke to a couple have in=law problems. He looked at the young man and said "you are responsible for your people" and then turned to the woman and said "and you are responsible for your people." And I believe this to be true. Dont ever come close to snapping again over another person unless its your child; the fact that you are taking medication and still needed to run away speaks volumes. The stress had reached its peak. In most cases, medication will help us cope but in addition to medication there has to be changes/solutions to the issues causing the stress or eventually the meds themselves, intended to help, don't. Bless you for caring for your MIL for so long. Please keep us posted as to where you are and how you are doing. Take a time out and don't go back until you feel better or unless and until.

My husband didn't participate in his parent's care either. He used his job and office hours as his excuse although he was able to go hunting and fishing every weekend. I finally got in his face and said: "YOUR PARENTS ARE DIEING!". and like a bolt of lightening, it hit him! Then, every weekend he was there for his parents and I didn't see him for months (so to speak), but he did wake up to the facts.

Add me to those supporting you. Bravo to you! I read somewhere that guilt is anger towards inward. Please take this time to take long long long walks ALONE, enjoying nature - nature which is healing you. It will take a long time to undo 8 years of slavery you endured. In the meantime, your husband will find out - if he hasn't already - just how life-sapping it is to care 24/7 for someone else. Do NOT listen to his empty promises and ONLY go back when he has arranged for other care for his mother. Bless you - I doubt I could have lasted 8 weeks.

Hi Mimsey,
I went to care for my mother last Sept. At the time my alcoholic brother and my mother's significant were living in my mom's house. That made four of us. My brother was suppose to leave shortly within a month after I got there. He never did. My mother's significant was sick and not well, mean to my Mom and aggressive towards me. He passed within two months. My brother was abusive and played on my Mother's dementia and they both directed their abusive energies towards me. My mother began doing overt behavior towards me. It was a no win situation not matter how hard I tried or my good intentions. I thought when I left Santa Fe I would be caring for my Mom until she died but it did not happen that way. God's plan was different than mine. About the four month mark I started to break down. At six months, I realized the cycle was happening weekly. I called my other brother and sister to tell them I was leaving the end of the month and we needed to have a family meeting about our Mother's care. They came. In front of my Mother my brother asked me if there was anything Mom could do to have me stay. I said no. My brother and his significant volunteered to come. My brother asked me if I would stay another three weeks until they could be here. I said yes. We had my alcoholic brother And my Mother sign a document saying he would be out of the house in 30 days. My alcoholic brother left on a Fri evening. I left the Sat morning. And my brother and his significant came that afternoon. My vital force was leaving me and I could not make it stop. I felt like I was dying. And I was.
They have been there almost four months. My brother tells me consistently "how did you ever do this for as long as you did". And he'll say '"you had to deal with Chris Mom and Bob, how did you do it". My brother was angry at first when I asked for help. He would say things like, "how come you can't do this?" It was like even more bombardment. I was mentally shielding my arm over my head blocking energies all the time. it was very disconcerting to be asking for help and receiving the same abusive behavior only in a different form!
Long and short is Hooray for you! If you stayed you would have perished and no one would have lifted a finger. We must take care of our Selves. it does not mean we do not love others. You have taken great action steps. Nothing happens unless we do!
My Mom is now in an assisted living center thanks to the great efforts of my brother
and his beautiful significant. They are in the process of selling the house.
Let us know how you are doing.
I awoke with this thought this morning Mimsey, I am open and flowing, welcoming my Self and those before me in lovingness...
Stay true to You.

I think you have reached your limit and you need to take care of your health.
If your husband doesn't act, see if you can afford a place of your own. He will need to get paid help for his mother and at that point he may reconsider a placement especially if she is able to afford it. Either way, put your health first.
Elizabeth

You've done exactly what needed to be done...saved your own life. Stay strong and guilt free. If your husband wakes up and realizes what a burden you've been carrying alone, places his mother, there will still be more than emough caregiving to go around. If he doesn't see the light, then he and his mother deserve each other. Keep us posted!

another caregiver.....'i had enough of this'......we all go through this.........yes, it's sickening......it's life altering.......it's literally drives a person crazy.......it's a curse

Who can blame you for running away! 8 years is a long time caring for someone with little or no help. Now that you have set boundaries for yourself, stand firm until your hubby steps up. I have been a caregiver for only a few years, and I think of packing up and running everyday myself. BRAVO!! And, don't feel guilty.

no one knows the 'hell' a caregiver goes through....until they 'walked the walk'.....i don't wish it on my worst enemy

What do you do? Look after yourself! Please let us know how you are doing. Big (((((((((hugs)))))))))

Don't feel guilty, my husband is in the 1st stages of Alz and Dementia and I am very impatient with him when he doesn't understand or does something destructive. I don't know how you managed alone for 8 years. There are days I would run but I have no where to go and my husband has no other relatives that amount to anything.

I would love to run away, my mom is bedbound, no one will help, husband abandoned us for mistress, I don't drive, I feel for you, it is his responsibily, let him take care of it and take care of yourself, wish I had that choice, Prayers

To save your sanity, take her to adult daycare. Since I am caregiver of my grandpa (with dementia), that's where I take him whenever I need a break from him and so he can get his socialization and be around other people besides me. His medicaid pays for all his adult daycare expenses up to 5 weekdays, including his breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Search for daycares in your area or surrounding area and ask if they accept your MIL's insurance so you don't have to pay.

Everyone is saying the same thing here in that no-one is telling you that you did anything wrong. Quite the contrary, we are all telling you that you are to be commended for caring for you MIL for so long with no help from her own son and that leaving is likely to be the best (and only) thing you can do to change a situation which is damaging your own health. Get legal help if you need financial support from your husband but do not go back until other arrangements have been made for your MIL. (You may not even want to go back then but that is your call.)