I snapped. I ran away. Now what do I do?

Caregivers need and deserve a break. You are a remarkable woman for caring for your MIL for 8 years! Now it's time to take care of yourself and leave the guilt behind you. Let your husband step up to the plate and take care of his mother. You are in my prayers; stay strong and stick to you decision and things will change. God bless you.

Bravo Mimsey. Set the boundaries. Let your husband see what it is like. I do not know if there are other sibilings but if there are where are they ? Wait your husband will be calling and when he does it is your terms and conditions. Don't get yourself a heart attack- that is why it is the best thing you did was to leave. Enjoy your mini-vacation but STAND YOUR GROUND. If there are other siblings make sure there is a meeting of the minds regarding the next move. I am going through this now and almost threw out my father-in-law and he knows he is on a banana peel en route out the door. Keep us posted on what happens you saint you. Hugs to you

Good for you, stay strong, nobody can take care of an alzeimer's patient alone. They need 24/7 care. She will be safer in a home. You sound like a loving selfless person. You took the right approach. Sometimes leaving is what it takes to wake everyone up. Good luck please keep us informed of your progress. I see you as a pathfinder. We all might need you to follow your example.

I have affirmed several answers here, but would like to add my own words so that you know there is strong support for you out here in caregiver world. NO GUILT.

Sandfox -
good point about the value of physical therapy as dementia progresses. I think I will try to get my husband to do it because I need him to be able to walk for as long as possible. But a point will come when it would be kind of ridiculous.

Don't feel too bad about "wasting" that time. You can feel that you gave it your all, did your best, and learned that you don't need to do it again.

I hope you have set aside an income to support yourself for this well deserved and definitely earned time off. From what I'm hearing, you were full-time caregiver which means you didn't have an income. If this is the case, go to the local Dept of Human Services and ask for help so you don't have to go back into this abusive situation. It will be far worse for you if you go back under your husband's terms. There are temporary shelters for abused women and though you might not think you are abused, you are. Emotional abuse is far worse than physical, I know, I've been emotionally/physically abused and had to run for my life. The physical heals fairly quickly in the grand scheme of things, the emotional abuse can take a lifetime. Go to your church, your friends, and to the government and get some assistance, both financially and for your health. God bless you and may the next phase of your life bring you the happiness you deserve.

Wow 8 years? Most don't last more than 5 years. Stick to your guns and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You earned your stripes.

Congratulations! I don't think you snapped. You just got to the point where you realized on some level that your husband wasn't going to follow through with his promises to "help". I hope you will be okay financially so you can wait this out and see what hubby is going to do, if anything. You are very brave and should pat yourself on the back.

I agree. You did not snap. You did the only thing apparently you CAN do because you were talking to deaf ears. Hang tough and stand your ground.

Mimsey, I am SHOCKED! You just blew your "Doormat of the Year Award" - (and you were so close, too! Tisk, tisk)

I'm being sarcastic, of course. You've put up with too much crap and been taken advantage of. Thing is once your MIL goes into a home, you may find she's so far gone that she *doesn't know and doesn't care*

I think most of us not only know our limits, but also deep down know when we've done all we can, as far as we can, because the other person is no longer capable of appreciating it.

Refuse to feel or accept the guilt - do NOT entertain it! Your husband ought'a be ashamed of himself - You're a bigger man than he is right now!

Prayers to you and yours!

Been reading the other replies - Ladies and gentlemen, fellow strugglers, this is more than I know but you have to consider that the husband is a no good bum who married a woman (Mimsey) for no other reason than an un-paid live-in nurse.

I could be wrong, and hope that I am, but if you look at the evidence, you have to consider it. (Watch your back, Mimsey! and check with a lawyer!)

Unikornfairy: My little personal note - I hope Mimsey is really "done" with the situation, not just taking well-deserved time off. I hope she never goes back to that neanderthal man she's married to! That aside, I want to commend you for outlining the practical aspects of how Mimsey (or any of us facing abusive conditions) can find resources to help herself financially and emotionally. They are the next logical steps after "What now?", having taken the first step to remove herself from the toxic environment she was living in. I pray that she is OK and soon has the opportunity to read all the wonderful advice and support we have been offering.

You go girl, I give you kudos for running away. I wished I could do that too, I am going 8 years with my own mother. Its hard and I know what you have been going through. My mom made me promise I wouldn't put her in a nursing home so I quit my job to take care of her after a slight stroke, and she couldn't be left alone. Now 7 years later she had a major stroke, bleeding stroke and had to be in a nursing home for 1 and half months. She is now home but I am more confined than before. I am like you Doc put me Effexor also but I am also going through medapause so I am miserable, absolutely worn out and very isolated from any friends because we sold our house so we could keep hers and move her back to spend the last few years in her own home. It was just getting to hard to to take care of both homes at the same time.
I am an only child so I have no one to lean on but myself. My kids live to far away and don't really understand anyway what this is all about.
I agree with everyone, take this time to find out again who you are and what you really want out of your life. You didn't say if you had kids or how old you are but now is your chance, so don't look back, just find you and take care of yourself and hopefully the rest will fall into place. Take care and good luck!!!!

Totally agreeing with everyone else, please hold your ground Mimsy! Let your husband take on the real responsibility as he should have in the beginning. I hope you are okay - please update this thread if you can and let us know how you are.

There is no way to enforce the point when push comes to shove that 'I mean business' if a person is not willing to hold fast to what they 'threaten' to do. Some things are deal breakers. A spouse has to come first to his/her spouse. That means BOTH people practice that, not just one. Otherwise it isn't really even a marriage. I USED TO BE a doormat. That was so long ago it now seems like someone else. I cannot even recognize that person and my life has done nothing but improve since then. But that transformation also included sticking to my guns. I am not saying to pout or throw temper tantrums if you don't get what you want. But things that you NEED -those are the things that the person who supposedly loves you and puts you above all others must see as something critical to the success of your marital union. Otherwise, you are just cheap help.
I am so glad you got all of the above support for your position. If your husband comes around, welcome him with open arms and make things better. I guess if that doesn't happen you have to be really honest with what you have - or don't have - in the union you entered in to.

Jesus, Mimsey really needs You right now. Let her know your love for her, and flood her heart with your peace, and your presence. You know all of our deepest thoughts and hurts and everything. Heal those areas that need healing, and touch the areas in her husband that also need to see clearly your purpose and plan for both him and his wife.Pour out your peace for his mom and let her feel Your embrace. Let them behold You Lord,You, whose love has no boundaries. I pray this in your name Jesus that's full of blessings, honor glory and power

Dear Mimsey, I just had to write to you. My brother in our family has explicitly said he does not want to hear about my mother's alzeimer's or how tough it is for me and my father. Your husband sounds as selfish as my brother-- and our culture accepts that all this difficult nurturing and caring is offloaded on women. I think it's DISGUSTING that your husband has done this. STAND FIRM MIMSEY. Enjoy yourself. Get your hair done. And let your husband see how difficult it is to care for someone with Alzeimer's. Hoping our genuine words here-- even from complete strangers will help you. Wishing you all very very best and keep us posted.

The most important rule of carers is to take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone killing yourself caring for another. I agree with all said before. Perhaps Husband will now realise how hard you have worked for 8 years and how damn difficult and incredibly demanding it is. For goodness sake its his mother! Dont you feel one whit of guilt at all - frankly your husband/family should feel some level of guilt at allowing you to get to this point. There is not doubt that situations like yours put relationships in stress but sounds like you have consistently appealed for help and got no response. Time to bail out and look after yourself. Take care and never doubt you are a good person who did beyond their best, way and above the call. Now lets see how your husband and other family handle it - should be interesting and perhaps validating.

Hi, I really feel for you. First of all your MIL is not and should not have been your responsibility. Helping is one thing but, dedicating your entire time or most of your time was inconsiderate. Good for you, find a way to take care of yourself. This should have never happened. What good would you have been for your husband with the burdens he layed on you. You did not marry his mother you married him. I'm sure this has changed you and hopefully you can focus on you. You are important to you and if he cannot understand why you did what you did by leaving, well, that's on him. I hope things work out for you and remember to keep your head up and strive for a better life.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got!
You probably have his attention now.

Someone once said something like this: the test of a man's mettle can be seen in a crisis

I just read your plight and say a big "AMEN" to all the previous comments. Your husband needs to be in your shoes and walk in them a good while. No one truly understands until they have experienced the joys and trials of care giving. Right now you need to be in survival mode to take care of yourself. Do whatever you can to sustain, maintain and help yourself get healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually. I will be praying for you Mimsey that Jesus will give you peace and comfort. He is truly our healer and deliverer.

Does anyone else feel that we should be concerned about not hearing from Mimsey for a week? I know this site is relatively anonymous and she may not have computer access, but she does give her city and state. Do the owners of this site ever try to report something to the police. She may have snapped in her own way, but I hope her husband hasn't snapped in a testosterone way! I worry for her.

Has it been a week? Thanks for raising this issue CarolLynn. Possibly Mimsey went back to the unfortunate living situation. I know I had several false stops before finally leaving an abusive husband. Nothing to be ashamed of. Such dependency can be the result of years of evil manipulative conditioning by him. God bless and protect.

I wondered about that as well Carollyn there was another thread where a lady was seriously considering suicide and I wondered it someone was checking on her or how to contact an ADMIN on the site. I mod on 2 sites and we are quite actively concerned and try to track down anyone with that kind of post ... I guess every site is different, but it is scary when all you can do is pray.

I too wondered about that Carollyn. I have been praying that she is faring well. It is so hard on these sites to maintain the difference between empathy and sympathy. We all know what she is feeling and going through. I am amazed at the compaasion shared by the members on this site. I will continue to send positive Mojo to Mimsey and keep her in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you all!

I guess we'll have to wait it out a couple more days but then get admin involved. They are the only ones in a position to know her IP address.

you people......it's none of your business.....what she does........going as far as telling
the site administrator......so they can get her IP address.......what country do you
think this is russia........some of your people amaze me in the worst possible way!

I have no advice except you have to fill your cup up before you can fill any one else's, and yours is empty. Rst and gather yourself back to health and then see how your husband has done with HIS part of helping. You are an absolute saint for what you have done, since I SO understand, I have been caring for my MIL for nearly 10 years as well as my Brother in Law. NO other family support (have 5 kids) not one of them will lift a finger. So it fell on my shoulders solely. I feel your hurt, but I know there is not much you can do but take care of YOU, sinc edit hit YOU there is no help for anyone. Sending you gentle hugs and prayers of peace and healing for you.

Well .. the good news is that getting an IP address ain't gonna give a phone number or address (or I'd *never* use the internet). Her privacy is secure. And what's to report, anyway? She left her husband. HE's the one responsible for his own mother.