I snapped. I ran away. Now what do I do?

Agreed, focus on yourself now. The decision has been made. Take this as an opportunity to get caught up on you. No matter what the future holds it will require your strength and mental fortitude. So take a deep breath now and give everyone time to see things in a different perspective. Hubby soon will realize how difficult your labor of love has been all these years. But, most importantly shed whatever guilt there may be. You are only human and everyone reaches that point of no return in their lives. It is how you accept and cope with it that defines the future. Hugs!

You did the right thing. Your husband needs to realize that taking care of a parent does not always mean that you have to physically be the one to care for them. A burned out, exhausted caregiver is not the best choice. By placing his mother he will find that there are people who are trained to offer wonderful care to someone with dementia and because they all have regular breaks away from the situation they are able to give their best every day. You are not able to do that.

Your husband needs to see first hand what your world was like caring for his mother before he can even begin to understand. This is a huge wake up call for him that has long needed to happen. Do not go back until the situation is resolved!

Wow, I feel for you! I am at that breaking point too these last couple of weeks. I too must do something to change the situation I'm in or go freakin' nuts. One person absolutely cannot care for someone with dementia. I've hit my limit. I put my Mother in rehab this week and she'll be there about a month. But, now, I have a whole different view of "afterwards". Doing rehab is such a waste of time and money. I did the rehab recommended by a neuropsychologist for over 6 months, by myself, got her back up and running, only to discover that it was all for nothing in the long run. She doesn't have enough "mind" left to continue to keep up her self. I got her physically fit, but she just sits on the couch. She will exercise only if you prompt her continually and do the exercises with her, constantly reminding her what the next move is! You make the motions and she just immitates it. You have to micromanage her every move, like you are her substitute for a mind. You are a substitute for her force of life, and no one can do this for very long. What the heck the point was of the neuropsychologist even leading me on to think that all his recommended activities would bring her back to any degree of health, physically and mentally, was just nothing but medical quackery and a phenomenal waste of my time and energy! I'm assuming that I'm not the only caretaker who has discovered this fact, the hard way.
Mimsey, I don't mean to take the focus away from you and your obvious pain and exasperation and need of healing. I'm saying I know exactly where you are and fully agree that you did what you had to do to survive. We're both in survival mode.
My personal opinion of the medical professions' way of handling dementia, is nothing but prolonged agony for both the person with dementia and the caregiver(s). Yeah, I'm really P.O.'d today.
I've priced assisted care, and some other ways of caring for my Mother, and they are all way too expensive. (One month in the local dementia facilities is almost what I make in a year!) She doesn't have those kinds of financial resources to pay for that, nor do I. She does have some resources, but they won't go far. Those resources were supposed to go to her children, but it looks like we won't have any inheritance now since it will go to pay for her NH care. What a way to end life! No wonder that so many seniors take a look at all this, get tired of dealing with it all, and sit down and decide to die. Life wears them out.
Take care of yourself, Mimsey, and all you other caregivers because no one else is going to do it for you.

Sandfox, I feel for you. It is obvious that you need a break. Have you looked into VA benefits? If she or her husband was a veteran during a wartime she could qualify for up to $1000 a month. Have you looked at Personal Care homes or Residential Care homes. They are called different things in different states but they are small homes that have been converted to house and care for anywhere from 4 to 15 residents. Some of these homes are Alzheimer's certified by the Alzheimer's association. They are usually much cheaper that traditional memory care or assisted living facilities and offer a warm homelike feel.
Also reach out to any friends or family and ask them to start calling churches to see who may offer a program for you. I live in Houston and there is an organization that offers "gatherings" at a number of local churches. Families can drop off their loved one for several hours to be care for and participate in activities. The family is then free to go shopping, take a nap, get a massage or whatever they need or want to do. This is not a perfect solution but a help. :-)

You did what 90% of caregivers wish/would like to do. Best wishes.

Dear Mimsey, Concerned about your well-being these past 3 days, esp knowing you are on medication yourself. Possibly you don't have access to internet where you are staying - well we are praying for you. Stay safe, and be strong!!

From the tone of your question, it sounds like you physically left the situation but haven't disconnected emotionally. And how could you? It's too raw. Please get counseling and deal with your feelings about the dehumanizing ordeal you've been through. If money is a problem, look for a local program where fees are based on ability to pay. You'll need to be strong in order to make sound decisions about what to do from here. Blessings to you in this challenge.

Bravo, you did what a lot of us would like to do! What courage on your part! Take care of yourself and let your husband have a reality check. I am betting that shortly he will begin to see the issues. You could also try a therapist to do a session or two with BOTH of you. While you are healing, try to write down exactly what you need to have happen in order to move forward. Brave Woman!

Talk to a good divorce lawyer to make SURE you preserve your interests. Be sure you use an in-state one since rules vary greatly by state!

Ya made the decision to go and u put your foot down and did it!!so dont go back to something that u didnt like girlie.

It's too bad that a person is forced to 'run away' and abandon taking care of someone, because the other people involved turn deaf ears to their cries for help. Mimsey, if you still want to preserve your marriage eventually, then I guess you'll have to keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband. While you're angry at him for leaving all the care giving to YOU, it could be that he doesn't have the ability to help his mother either emotionally, physically or mentally. I don't know what his relationship was between the two of them while he was growing up, so there could've been underlying problems that kept him from helping from the get go. None of us know what's going on in a persons thoughts when it comes to these things. After his mother is moved into a care facility, then if you want to save your marriage you'd better give marriage counseling a try. Maybe then, you'll be able to get off the drugs your on, which is a problem in and of itself. ♥

What should you do, you ask? KEEP RUNNING! :)

Mimsey, bless your heart. You are a wonderful person who has been taken advantage of. My heart breaks for you. I agree with everyone else that you should not go back unless and until your husband does the right thing. I do hope that you are okay financially and have a place to stay until this is resolved? Please do let us know....

I know the feeling of wanting to run away. Care giving becomes a full time job. I'm the sole caregiver for my 98 yr. old father. He lives with me. He once told me it's my job as his daughter. He has one son, my brother, and 7 grown grandchildren who once in a while may call or stop by. All saying they're busy with work and children. It's true, but all fail to realize that I need a break. At one time I could take a week vacation. When I returned the house was a mess with fuses blown, pots burned etc. He has two classic cars that he's always waxing and polishing to the point of looking brand new. I feel that if he can do that, he certainly can pick up things on the floor that he has spilled or dropped and leaves for me to clean up. I cook all meals, do the laundry, shopping, take care of all his finances with banking, paying his bills etc. I take him to all doctor visits. His friends do not visit like they used to do. I understand it isn't pleasant to be around a negative person who is failing. It's a struggle to convince him to take a shower and change his clothes. We have all the necessary equipment including a chair lift. He recently was evaluated while in the hospital. It was found he has some dementia and anger issues. He now is on a low dose of Lexapro which has helped. I offered to take him to the senior center but he has no desire to go.
I find myself saying in a joking way, "I have no life." The sad part is it's becoming fact.

You made it clear to him that this has become much more than you can handle. You have proposed solutions that he won't listen to. He doesn't respect you and he has made a choice to sacrifice his marriage for free caregiving. Now, you have made your choice to save your mental and physical health. Stay strong. Now the ball is in his court.

you have to decide why you felt a need to run away. If it's justifiable, then stay away. Usually women's instincts are correct. Perhaps if you'd stayed you would have snapped in another way and your butt would be in a sling. Don't put yourself in that situation.

my mantra when I get frustrated, scared, angry and resentful..ALL IS WELL AND ALL MANNER OF THINGS SHALL BE WELL... carry on..define what is acceptable and maintain your footing in this. we as caregivers know that it does become all consuming on so many levels..be clear with your involvement if any at this time. I wish you abundance of devine intervention.. breath..go forward slowly gently.

And while your husband is giving you empty words, you run to the bank and empty the bank accounts and go around the world and then do it. Call him from Paris or some other place. He will then get a real wake up call. If I were you, I do it. Perhaps take someone dear with you and enjoy yourself. If by chance there is no money..................Don't go back, until things have changed to your satisfaction.

It's HIS mother? You are a saint! Stick to your guns - you did the right thing. I wouldn't be able to do that for 8 days with my mother!! You go girl!

Mimsy, I want to add my support and admiration! I don't think you "snapped" at all. I think leaving that awful situation was 100 percent rational and very courageous. I hope you will stick to your guns. I'm betting now that hubby is solely responsible for his mom, he will realize this is too much for one person, and that MIL will soon be in a home somewhere. But if that does not happen, please do not go back into indentured servitude in that hellhole of a home. When my 103-year-old mother recently died, I finally got out of prison--my "sentence" was twelve years. You go, girl! And stay gone!

Sometimes leaving and caring for ourselves is the best thing we can do! Caregiving can be a thankless job but looks like you have been doing it alone for a long time. People burn out! Sounds like hubby needs to look in mirror and realize you have done this for him. Do feel guilty(easier said than done). Women always feel guilty. Hang in there and hope you get help soon!Maybe while you are gone hubby will see all that you do! Good luck!

Mimsey - almost to a person, every member has come down on your side of the equation. This MUST make you feel more secure in your decision. You put your time in, more than should ever be required but what we all do out of love and need.

I think we are all concerned we haven't heard from you in 3 days. As one of us said, maybe you don't have computer access. We all wish you well and hope you are okay. PLEASE let us know as SOON as you are able. Everyone here is sending you positive energy and best wishes...hearts

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! I vote with stay somewhere safe and wait it out until husband gets a reality check and CHANGES his actions. Hang tight dearest - you more than deserve this.

I assume MIL stand for mother in law? so that means she is HIS mother, yes? Why did you have to care of her in the first place? HIS MOTHER! repeat those words. HIS responsibility. Get it? It's amazing (and regretful) you put up with this for so long! Good for you for living! Now go live! Enjoy life! you are free!

Tell him you'll be back when she's gone; and I don't mean a little stint at a NH until things cool off. His mother; his problem. You've done more than enough.

GOOD FOR YOU! Take a break...heck take a breath.

Good job Mimsy! Stay away and get some healing done. Rest, sleep, eat good stuff.

You are courageous and right to take a stand. Stay in communication with him. See if he makes a move. DO NOT go back too soon. You go girl.

OMG, I hear it in your words, my situation is different but I understand, what are you gonna do? reply let us know how you are.

Mimsey - #1 protect yourself, wherever you are be safe, be healthy and try to get off those drugs asap. 8 years is a very long time to be doing the caregiving alone. I'd say you've been long overdue for a break. Please don't go back until MIL is out of the home in a NH. That sounds very cruel, but son/your husband needs to step up and take care of business if he wants to save his marriage. I don't advocate running away, but in your case, you had no choice except to save yourself. Do you have children at home/out of the house who can help you get back on your feet...Bless you and know there are many here who are with you. xxxooo