I snapped. I ran away. Now what do I do?

Follow
Share

Been 8yr caregive for MIL w/Alheimer's. Husband does nothing to help. Help me!. I can't go back. Have begged husband to put MIL in in-patient mem-care. Her ins. + Vet's income wll pay all, though takes awhile to get Vets. Ins. alone pays 80% for 100 days/yr., He won't even do that just to give me a break. I just can NOT go gack to house with her there. My husband SAYS and SAYS and SAYS (empty words!) he'll help, but he never does. I'm already taking Effexxor and Klonopin because of her, and am stilll a mess. I just can NOT do this any more. I left. I just packed up and ran away. Now and told him to call my cell when his mother either died or he put her into in-[atient care.Now what do I do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
147

Answers

Show:
I'm so proud of this community for responding with such compassion! Mimsey did what she had to do. You all understand. Stay strong, Mimsey, set boundaries, work on your own health and your other relationships will find their proper order.
Take care of yourselves - all of you. You're the best!
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It sounds like you have set your boundaries. If you are not there, hubbie will figure out very quickly just how much work this is. It sounds like she does need in-patient care, and you are completely burned out. Bless you for lasting as long as you did.
Helpful Answer (37)
Report

i agree with everyone else here. you made the biggest step by leaving. dont falter, and reclaim your own life and marriage if possible. the dementia care is nearly impossible for one person. hubby may feel like hes carrying his share by working hard to provide but chances are youre working even harder and with no recognition or appreciation for it.. hubby might be a good man but even good men need a kick in the balls every now and then..
Helpful Answer (35)
Report

Mimsey.......first of all.....don't waste your energy on guilt....What you did, in leaving, took incredible courage, n for the first time in 8yrs...you put yourself first, which is what desperately needed to happen....It takes a very special person to be a caregiver.....A person with endless amounts of patience, long suffering, n above all else.....selflessness....which you have been. It's time that your husband see you for what you really are.....a woman who has sacrificed her own needs for those of her family.....Eventually, we all come to our breaking point, n need to draw that bold line in the sand....n that is exactly what you did.....You showed an incredible amount of courage, in leaving, n it seems from your post......it was long overdue...From your description of your husband n his unwillingness to help with his own mother,the situation needed much more than the spoken word n repeated pleas from you that you needed HIS help. Leaving him alone, to take on the full responsibility of his mothers care, is all that was left.......

Now....it seems to me that the most important thing before you is your own safety...Hopefully, you're with friends or family that can be of emotional support to you, when you need it most.....Your final question in your post.."Now what do I do?".........Well, start by taking a deep, deep breath...n embrace the fact that you deserve this time, alone.....no guilt......just accept that you left.....n for ALL the right reasons.....You are important, valuable, n beyond worthy of taking this time for yourself....It won't be long before your husband realizes just how valuable you are, but that's not the most important part of all this .....What's important is that YOU realize your worth as a woman, wife, caregiver......Take this time to honor yourself......As caregivers, we don't think to honor ourselves, becuz we're always giving everything we have, to others.......You are a remarkable woman, having shown such strength, long suffering, selflessness, n commitment n loyalty to your family.......You have shown tremendous grace in your love n kindness to others.....Now, it's your turn......Begin this next phase of your life with your head held high, n be proud of all that you have given.....I admire you for leaving your situation ......n putting yourself first.....There are so many caregivers that you have helped to find their own inner strength , n many of us wish we could reach through cyber space, n give you a long, heartfelt hug......Me, being one of those caregivers..... Stay strong......n take as much time as your beautiful heart needs, to find yourself ......Everything will work out, just as it should..... In my opinion.....you're remarkable...........Hugs, hugs, n more hugs..... You're going to make it through this.......with all the grace that you always had to begin with.....Blessings........Beck
Helpful Answer (35)
Report

You may have just done something you absolutely needed to do. Just focus on recovering. If hubby does not step up and do anything now that he can't just dump it all on you, and you get wind that her care is not any good, you can call adult protective services. Maybe he promised never to "put her in a home" but maybe if he had incentive to look into it he'd find out about home care support options that would have made it tolerable for you. It is sad he did not listen until you had to vote with your feet, but from the angst in your post, you hung on as long as humanly possible or reasonable and then some; you were being abused and now need to recover. Do not guilt yourself into walking back in there if nothing has changed.
Helpful Answer (25)
Report

You know the old adage of putting the oxygen on yourself before your child if on an airplane. I think it applies to this situation as well. You have to take care of yourself before you can care for others. I also think your husband has taken advantage of your good heart. You have drawn the line, stick to it or call APS as suggested to get her in to a home where both of you (mainly you) will get some rest.
Helpful Answer (24)
Report

STAY PUT! If your husband thinks he can pacify you with empty words, he will now know you mean what you say.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report

Bravo Mimsey! You've finally taken a stance - now stick to it. You now 5 caregivers on your side Time for hubby's wake-up call. He has been selfish and inconsiderate of your good nature. It's his mother - let him deal with it. Just take a deep breath and start convincing yourself that your personal health counts too. You need this break. I hope you are staying with supportive family members or friends. When hubby wakes up, you will have the upper hand. There comes a time when one person can no longer do it all, and promises to keep a loved one out of a NH just is not possible anymore. When hubby wakes up to this, I hope he will listen to reason. In the meantime concentrate on you!
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

Your husband sounds selfish, quite frankly. You poor thing. I can't imagine the burden you've been carrying. I pray you find peace and the healing you desperately need. Are you okay financially? Are you in a safe place? Bless you.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

You might feel you snapped, but I don't know why you didn't a long time ago. Don't back down now. If you do your husband will not take your threats seriously. I think you think you've done something wrong but where I'm sitting, I get it. Good luck and prayers.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions