Help! I've been at this 7 years by myself and I'm losing it! Who else is at their wits end?

6 years alone..burnt out. .24.7. Drama of all sorts. I thought about a babysitter to come in twice a week for 4 hours..but coming home will cause me more drama..I also thought about adult day care..but if it's full of old folks walkers etc. He won't stay. Has entirely too much pride talks about himself all the time..so I go through the motions same every day..watching the clock..

chloesgrams, OMG - that which does not kill you would be OK, but this could kill you! One thing about dementia is that we often feel we must cater to any and all demands, however unreasonable, but the person with dementia is not reasonable because they have lost the ability to reason. And usually, the ability to empathize.
They cannot call the shots or run the show. You cannot go on trying to do impossible things or "obey" them as you might have done when they had their capacity and functioned as your parent. It is a huge emotional adjustment, but you have to take those reins and at the same time ***lower your expectations*** for what Mom is capable of doing and understanding. Dementia sucks but it is not your fault and it is a matter of doing for the person what they can no longer do, AND getting help with that from others. Get the doc to fix the sleep med situation by trying something else or changing the timing (drugs working backwards are not that uncommon) and look at any options for respite, home health aide, or even facility care. Just doing all the care yourself is hard enough, but feeling frustrated and stressing constantly because you can't make your loved one act the way they used to - well, you can't because you can't - because they can't. Mom just reacts in the moment to all her own anxieties which are huge and overwhelming to her severely reduced mental capacity. This is an incredibly common story you are telling here.

As you may notice this was a post from long ago, I just hit the 10yr. mark! How are you doing?

Whoops, lost

my mother has lived with me for twenty years, I've definitely list the plot !

Mimi1958, we sound like twins!.....I am totally at wit's end. This is like Mom's body, but Mom isn't in there! I've been at this for 3 1/2 yrs and I am about beat. My friend who took care of her Dad with dementia always reminds me, "what doesn't kill us, will make us stronger". I repeat myself umpteen times a day. One because Mom can't hear well, doesn't pay any attention when you talk to her, can't remember past the time you get it out of your mouth. I too feel like I have dementia and that is scary!!.........As you say, thank heavens for warmer weather. I'll bet the people at the grocery store think, what is going on with that crazy woman, since I am in there every day just to get out!! Sometimes, I just get in my car and drive, if Mom is able to be left alone for awhile. I too pray lots and am always asking for prayer. Mom's health has improved, but the dementia part gets worse daily. I don't think I could get more "down in the dumps" if I tried. My husband works away, which is good for him with Mom in the shape she's in. I only have my cats to comfort me. I absolutely don't know what I would have done without them through all of this. My daughter is too busy to give me a break or listen to me vent. My B/P was out of sight, but with 2 pills, it finally got under control, I have to take a Prozac daily 40 mg, I take Nexium for my stomach because I have a super size stress ulcer tha actually makes me sick to my stomach when I get stressed.......I was a perfectly healthy person 3 1/2 yrs ago, but not so much anymore. Plus, with so much on my mind, my memory reminds me of Mom's. This disease doesn't run in our family. Mom, fell and hit her head and the 2 brain surgeries she had left her with the dementia thing..........I can't do anything without her questioning me. If I look off as I go through the room, she wants to know what I am looking for. I cannot touch anything that is laying around or pick up because she thinks I am leaving or wants to know what I have lost!.........So basically I do nothing until I can get her to bed and then I am usually too tired. I am worn out from doing nothing and being aggrevated!! I can't get her to bed of an evening, it was 6 p.m. but the doctor tried some sleep medicine on her and it backfired and now it is anywhere from 10 o'clock til midnight and back up before I can get a cup of coffee down of a morning.........I am an only child with NO help. My husband used to be really good at letting me get out for a break, until he got transferred at work. He gets home one or maybe 2 days a week and she sets and stares and glares at us and won't let us have any privacy whatsoever. I feel like I am in jail and that I do not know my Mom. It is so sad. I feel like I am losing all my social skills. I can't even carry on a decent conversation when I do get out without messing it up or saying something dumb. .........I pray for all of the caregivers on this site. Heaven knows that is the only thing that's gonna help us. Right now we are fighting the changing of her Depends. She will get up and go to the bathroom, but then she also sets in her chair and pees herself. She will go from knowing what to do when she goes to the bathroom to having NO idea why she even went or how to change her Depends or what to do with it, just a complete blank!...........Is anyone experiencing anything similar and would like to talk about it. I would love to have someone to compare notes with and maybe some suggestions as to how I could make it better or what I could or should be doing. Thanks for listening and any suggestions would really be appreciated. Prayers to all!

I've been taking care of mom for 5 years by myself, no help from my siblings, and it does seem to get harder as the years go by. I understand everything you are feeling and good luck.

We all have such mixed emotions, don't we ? Love them and hate the disease. It's very hard! I try to remember that this is not the same women who raised me. Some days, I do see a glimmer of her and it makes me sad. Because I have to repeat myself over and over and over I feel like I have dementia and it's scary. Isn't it ? So glad the weather is finally breaking and I can have a chance to go outside. This was the longest winter of my life. When I am out of her sight she is always asking where I am.... Sometimes it drives me a little crazy. I pray a lot. And I won't give up on her. I am so thankful I found this site tonight because I was at my wits end and like many of you I feel guilty about that.

I too am the only caregiver to my boyfriends mother for the last 2 years but on a full time basis the last two months with zero help from any of her children or family! 7years god bless you i have been living with her for two months full time and have already lost it! I don't know what to do to make sure she gets the long term care she needs as her children are all in denial and are taking full advantage of me!

Right there with you...I just want a happy heart again. As much as you love the person your taking care of, it becomes a point of resentment of losing your own life. I feel like I have a divided personality..I want to give love but at the same time hold back because of the resentment that wont stop building up inside.

chloesgrams2012

I know exactly how you feel. I am the sole caregiver to my Alzheimer suffering mom and my disabled brother who suffered a severe head injury 40 years ago. Each have extremely short term memory. Mom no longer makes sense when she speaks. My brother can't communicate past 3 or 4 words. I often go hours before I hear the sound of my own voice and then it's mostly to ask Mom if she needs to use the bathroom, or tell them both it's time for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Mom, like yours will often glare and stare at me or my brother. It's scary; but I attempt to ignore it. I too have difficulty trying to get things done. If Mom is not in the same room as me, I need to check up on her every 15 minutes. She can't be trusted. At times, my brother loses his temper with her and I'm continually reminding him that she can't help herself.

As for a life. WTH is that? lol I've been taking care of both for almost 5 years. I have no other family in the city and friends have become scarce. Since I just can't go out whenever anyone else would want, they have all but abandoned me. Even our out of town family no longer bothers to call or email. So, I'm chief cook and bottle washer, actually the ONLY cook and bottle washer. lol

I can still take Mom shopping with me. But I know soon I'll need to get somebody in for those day when I need to run errands. The problem is my brother. He can be left alone for a couple of hours (he's also physically disabled and falls occasionally); but he doesn't want a caregiver to come in. Before Mom was diagnosed, she had a male caregiver come in to stay with him when she needed to go out for a few hours. The first day the man came to the house, my brother went ballistic. The caregiver said he would not return until my brother is willing to accept outside help. That ended that. When I mention getting someone in while I'm out, the look on my brother's face is a definite no way. So, I feel totally stuck between a rock and a mountain.

I could go on and on. I say all this only to tell you, chloesgrams2012, you're not alone. Every person's situation is different. But when it comes right down to it, not really. hugs to you.

Before my mother passed I took care of her for 15 years. She lived with me for four of those years. I had caregivers come to the house to help me. I eventually placed her in an Assisted Living facility. It was the best thing I ever did! They had activities and she made friends at the facility. I visited her four days a week. I had peace if mind and she was being taken care of. Luckily, we had the money to soy for Assisted listing . It is not cheap. Praying that you find release.
Hug you mother everyday day.
I miss my mothers hugs!

used2bhapi......I'm right here with you. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. It's a rought life and I know from experience. I thought spring was going to make a difference for me, but it won't quit snowing and that makes it more depressing!......This is taking it's toll on my sanity and health, but I am the only one to do it, and it has to be done. My husband has to work away during the week 5 and sometimes 6 days, so I really have it all to myself.........I have a friend who is also experiencing the same thing, her mom with alzheimer's and her Dad in ill health, but we don't get to talk about our experiences very much. Wish we had a support group we could attend or something uplifting. ...........I cannot get a thing done because Mom sets in her chair and glares at me. I have so much that needs to be done, but it's NOT happening. If I move around after 5 in the evening, she will set up til midnight watching my every move. If I can get her to bed, then I can get a few things done. By then I am usually to tired!.........I have been at this for 3 1/2 yrs and I am absolutely mentally and physically exhausted. I guess you could say depressed, financially stretched to the end and have NO life. I don't like to complain, because dementia is something Mom can't help, but what do you do when all of a sudden it hits you like a "lead balloon"? I don't even thing spring is going to cure this after our long bad winter. My best to you!!

HI. I'm still here, can't believe it's been 6 months since I've logged on? Dang! Where does the time go? Mom has been here 8 long years, I shouldn't complain, but all on my own, it's hard! I've been caring for her on my own since 1995, moved her in my home in 2006. She will say "it's so beautiful outside", as she looks out the window and I will be thinking "I wish I could go outside for even one day"!

I certainly understand your struggle and its not just you, others are experiencing the same things regarding this terrible disease. Luvida Memory Care has been a God sent to me.The guilt has been tremendous,but I can see that it's been the best, the kindest choice for both my dad.

Usedtobhapi you're headed in the right direction, you know what to do. Both you and Mom would be happier with her in NH, she will get the attention she needs and so will you.. Good luck..

BTW, dad died 18yrs ago today.....

Hi Everyone! Thanks for all the wonderful thoughts, care and advice. I do wish that I could place mom in snf for respite 1 or 2 months a year, maybe I wouldn't be so washed up. Siblings don't give a darn. I just had a medical exam yesterday, first one in about 4yrs for me :) Too busy getting mom to Drs. I am hoping for good results but already looks as though I may be heading towards high cholesterol, BP and sugars? Hope not. Anyways, as I read the posts and see some people here that have been caring for their family for 12, 15 &18yrs I am amazed and say God Bless all of you. True Angels. I began caring for mom a month before my wedding, she had her first knee replacement at the time and although I was planning my wedding (only daughter and only marriage) I moved mom into my home for recovery that lasted 30 days. I also took her in another 30 days when she had the second knee done 3yrs later. I moved her into my home in 2006, she doesn't have dementia or AZ, she is mean towards me, always has been, praises her sons, who aren't around?? She has threatened to call the police and have me thrown in jail because I got her dressed and ready for a visit with her grandson & his family that live out of state (they never showed btw) and she insisted I take her back to her room. After 30 minutes I took her to lay back down and to this day she insists that NEVER happened! Anyways, I can't keep her much longer, I have too much to lose (already lost my sanity&freedom) I will have to put her in snf at some point. I have no choice/help. Her insurance doesn't cover respite care and she is 24/7 care. She can't do anything on her own. I feed, bathe, clothe, laundry, meds, brush hair/teeth, change diapers, clean feces from carpet/floors, not to mention all the dressing changes etc. and she doesn't appreciate me. I think she thinks I owe it to her but sadly, she wasn't the best mom....my daughter and husband have sacrificed 7yrs as have I for a woman that takes advantage of us. Thanks for allowing me to vent, I feel better knowing I am not alone. To those in the same boat, I will keep you in my thoughts.

I am a caregiver for my mom. Was for mom and dad until dad passed away 2 and half years ago. I have 4 brothers but their situations will not allow them to help me. My hubby and I are disabled and can not keep up with everything. We need help seriously with all areas of our lives, housekeeping, yard maintenance, financial, medical and getting a break away for some us time. We are lost our home in this ordeal and now leave in an even smaller home and have no room for own belongings much less Mom's belongings. She needs some space for her own well being and to have a sense of at least part of the home being her home. Is there any help out there at all for someone in our situation? Also, I have to keep my requests for help on the down low because I don't want her to feel that she is an imposition on us. We do want her here and want to take care of her but just need some kind of help. Other living arrangements for her are not an option.

I did not finish my previous comment. My mother is relatively healthy except for
HBP (which I, now, have).Every night I pray that the next day will be better. I, also, pray for forgiveness for the feelings I have. The burden of guilt is very heavy. However, we are only human. How much ungratefulness, unkind words, tiring days and nights are we supposed to take? Many of us do this out of love; but even love has its limits and boundaries. There are days when all I want to do is scream, leave and never come back. However, I know that not one of my siblings will care for her. We became care givers because of the kindness and caring in us. It is not an easy or rewarding job; but we did what we thought was right. I still say,"Sometimes the right thing is not the best thing".
Sometimes it seems by doing the right thing you are punished. I really don't know. All I continue to do is say "Lord, help me to make it through another day without going completely insane". None of us is alone as long as we have this site. At least we can express ourselves without criticism and judgement. No matter what our human feelings are, we are all good people-strong people. Many can't won't and don't. I have given up on my siblings and just trying to do the best that I can. When the load gets unbearable though it is time tore give it up. How can we help others if we're down and out? If no one else gives you credit, give it to yourself; recognize the good you are doing and you selfworth.

And the comments about you all hating and not recocnizing the bitter n resentful people we have become....I couldn't agree more....this is mentally debilitating work with a sad outcome! how could it not wear us down to angry robots! I have a big bowl of bitter n angry for breakfast somedays!! I read something somewhere in a battle between good/bad the beast you feed will be the beast that wins...how ironic with my bowl comment!!! I just learned something!!!

You know scared I thought the same yesterday... first lemme say I can drive myself absolutely insane with the shudda cudda and wudda's....I live in fear daily that today it will all crash down on me because of them Fear is an evil bitch that runs this game as well..... anyway....

I had two idea's of hope in all this despair, trying to think something good needs to come of this wailing wall forum....
1) Neighborhood senior care n respite co-op or pools..Where we all rotate or contribute somehow to give each other time off...in each others homes and give our seniors visits with each other they may socialize as well, if they can, but just provide that outlet for us!! In my small community it may be harder but doable and bigger area's be even better??? And the little specifics of the various care n safety issues don't know how that would work???

2) To start/find a thread and or form some kind of group to spread the word, lobby or whatever it is we need to do get this recognized as the epidemic it has and will become....I have been very loosely following AA (alz asscn) posts n news n some other CG sites seeing info on movements like this. Congress n stuff..
I am not well versed in political stuff but would be interesting way to get mind going and feel more empowerment than helplessness....knowledge is power! I If I had my ducks in a row I would start today, but I can barely tie my shoes above keeping ma healthy at this point in the game!!! I feel after what I am living thru I would totally take charge of it if I ever get enuf stability to feel I wont end up living in my car... Maybe we could brainstorm this together/start something!!!
The girls around her have been having pleasure parties wink wink, and how that works like a Tupperware party they want guests to book parties. I thought why don't I throw one and combine long term care insurance expo with it too...the only way I would! LTCI is important stuff!!!

The more I read these posts about everyone being totally stressed out, ill, depressed, etc., the more I wonder who/what/where/when/why/how we think we have to do this? There has to be some kind of answer for those of us who don't have the money for fancy AL facility or NH as needed. The government wants to regulate everything else in our lives, why not this, too? Sorry for the soap box, but I'm just so upset that even though we all try to support one another here, it simply is not enough. So, so sad.

By no means! How have you done it this long? I brought my mother into my home only 21/2 years ago and have lost it! I don't even recognize the person that I've become-bitter and resentful. I am 65 yrs. old myself. My mother is blessed-no Alzheimer"s.

You are not a whiner-- you are to be cheered! You are truly your mom's hero. Where would she be today if you hadn't stepped in to help her? But you also need to think about yourself, your health and your marriage. Where will *you* be in seven more years?
So many caregivers give and give until they have nothing left of themselves. My aunt took care of her husband who had Alzheimer's for years, only accepting help at the very end. Literally the week after his funeral, she finally went to the doctor and found out she had cancer- and it had spread all through her body. She neglected her own health and her own needs for years.

My mom likes to say, "You know that saying 'my cup runneth over?' Well, you can't give from a cup that runneth on empty." It's okay for you to have a break and time to yourself. If your family (other than your husband) won't help, maybe there's a local Family Caregiver Support program (you can search on www.eldercare.gov, an online search engine operated by DHHS- to find local elder care resources). A Family Caregiver Support Program may be able to help you get some respite care, so you can have a break and some time to yourself. This is NOT being selfish--this is giving you a chance to 'refill' your cup.

No, you are not a whiner, believe me. Just a loving child stuck w/o help and perservering to provide the best care you can. I am at year 15 and two months caring for my stroke surviving mom and kidney failure dad. After dad's death in 2000 I care for my mom as I am an only child (divorced) with no other family to turn to. In many ways I am lucky because mom is 91, but still tries to manage living alone. I move in for months at a time when she falls and breaks something (four times in the last 4 years), otherwise I go over daily to check on her, run errands, balance checkbook, take her to appointments, and take her out to eat. I have resigned myself to having this be my destiny. No, I can't get away because I can't afford to hire someone to come over while I get away for a break. It did help me to accept this situation and not try and "fight it". Mom's very frail and weak, but her family line lives to be 100 inspite of any health problems, which mom doesn't suffer from. Her heart is good. I go to the supermarket with her and I see other "daughters" taking their elderly loved ones around too. We all have the same expression on our faces, glum and exhausted! I turn 69 next week and my dreams of being able to get away and travel slowly melt away as the years pass me by and my own arthritis and back pain worsen. Take care and good luck1

iobdennis: You are doing the right think for you and your Mom. Please try to find a local support group or other counseling, call the Alzheimer's Association hot line. They can help you work through your feelings. Please don't beat yourself up. We all feel some guilt about what we have done/should have done/could have done/would have done. Vent here, too. It helps! Hang in there! (Funny I tell you that when I, too, feel like I'm coming apart at the seams most times!) Good luck and God bless!

I was in exactly the same position. I too took care of my mother (I'm an only child) for over 7 years. I grew to hate her. I went through every option as well: assisted living and inhome care. She recenty became very ill, the dementia is advancing. She is now moving into an assisted living facility that specializes in dementia and Alzheimer's care. I am constantly feeling guilty. I know every time I visit her, she will cry and scream that she wants to come back home, but this is now impossible, since she needs 24/7 which I cannot provide, and I can't alter my home for a live-in caregiver. I feel as though I'm jumping from the frying pan into the fire. The thoughts that go through my head about my mother make me hate myself as well. I know I will feel exactly the same way after she dies, because I will always feel that I didn't do the right thing. Medical science has discovered ways to prolong our lives, but not the quality of them. In a way, I think this is more of a curse than a blessing.

jujubean, please call the Alzheimer's hotline. They can help you. Their counselors listen, don't judge, and will give you some resources for help. You're recent post is not healthy.

Honestly except for a hospital stay I have had maybe about 5 times that I had more than 3 hrs off in the nine years and it has been at least 3 ys since last time.