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Hi there,
I felt the need to reach out tonight because I am possibly at my wits end. I cry as I write this because I just feel so defeated. I don't know what it's like to feel happy anymore. I have been here with my mom for 2 yrs now, after my father passed away. We lost him unexpectedly to a fall and I happen to be the one who found him. It was the most horrifying experience in my life. My father was my best friend and I miss him more than I could ever explain. As a promise to him, I swore I would never let my mom be alone and that she would always have me to look after her. I know it was his biggest fear. He also worried for me as i was the baby, never married, no children, and really had some tough times in my past, but I had definitely come a long way. After his death, I was forced to rent out my home and move to my parents home by my sister and her husband. I had to quit my job and career where I had been for 6 years. I gave up a lot to come be with my mom and I did it because I promised my dad. My mom is 77 years old and is still somewhat independent, but she has declined so much since Dad passed. She has maculate degeneration in one eye and does not see well, she had to take her drivers test 4 times before she passed and I am still quite positive she should not be driving at all. She has osteoporosis and falls a lot. She is forgetful and shows signs of dementia and alzheimers. I know how my mom will be in the future because I watched her take care of her own mother (my grandma) who had alzheimers and it was hell. This is my destiny... I have to face it. The worst thing about my mom is she has become so mean. Just mean to the very core! She tells me I am fat, a loser, I am ugly. She will tell I am stupid, no man will ever want me, I don't do anything to help her, she thinks I am a mental case and starts in with her Bible verses that pretty much in her mind explains I am going to hell. She will turn around the next day and tell me I am a good daughter, buy me twinkies and cookies, tells me I am smart not to put up with any man's bs and you get the jist of it...contradicts herself. I can't even talk things out with her because she always brings her religion into it and it's a no win situation. I feel as if my mom isn't happy unless she is b*tching about something and I am the whipping post. Her negativity is overwhelming and I see it getting worse everyday. I live in a granny unit on the property, her house is 5 ft away. She will get her binoculars out and watch me through the window! She will call me 50 times a day. She comes over when I am away and turns on my lights or opens my shades, then complains that I live like a slob and to do my dishes.She will take my dog over to her house and complain that he misses me when I am gone and she felt bad for him, but continues to gripe to my siblings that she has to take care of my dog. She talks mean about my siblings to me, then turns around and tells them mean things about me. Tonight I went to a friends for a few hours to visit, I got 10 phone calls from her asking when I was coming back. I answer every call because the "what if" starts going through my head. What if she fell, what if she needs me, what if.... I came home right away only to hear a lecture about what a liar I am for saying I wouldn't be gone more than an hour, she doesn't have anyone to talk to so I shouldn't either or I should be sitting over there with her instead of going to see one of my "stupid friends." Then told me to get out of her house and she was packing her bags and leaving. I felt like saying THANK GOD GO!!! I just can't take it anymore. I feel guilty when I mention moving out because the look on her face just breaks my heart. My sister lives 2 minutes away from us and comes over 1 time a month if that. I have learned to become a mechanic, a gardener, a plumber, a house keeper and a pool boy. I clean the crap she leaves behind on her toilets, the 2 inch thick dust on her bazillion knick knacks. I am the cable guy, I am the computer tech, I am the search and rescue for when she loses her dog, her glasses, her phone... I do everything I can for her and I resent my siblings for not doing anything to help. I sometimes feel it's my fate, with no children and husband. My siblings went back to their lives after Dad passed, mine is the only one besides mom's that has changed. I am depressed and I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. I feel horrible about myself most of the time and it just gets worse. I want my life back and I haven't even started it yet. Does that make sense? I am 44 years old and just started living when all of this happened. Now I feel like I never will know what it is to be self sufficient, hard working and independent. I can't even hold my head up high because the negativity that surrounds me is pushing it down. Someone please help me.

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Visit your local volunteer center. They screen young people and do police checks also before sending them out. Many are students seeking experience and references in their chosen field 9 social work.
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WOW! I would swear to God that I typed this letter. I just turned 43 in July & I'm in the same sinking boat, or as I call it, purgatory! My mom will be 81 in November & my dad passed in Oct. of 2000. I am the youngest of 5 & my mom has been bed ridden for about 6 years now. Eveyone is married w/ kids except me but I now have a boyfriend. To be honest, I don't even know how because I keep telling him to run every time I tell him about what my mom is saying/doing to me. I live w/ her as well & am a caregiver, yard cleaner, plumber, a maid, a nurse, cable person, a verbal/emotionally abusive punching bag, I take her to her cancer treatments, I'm a chef & much more. She also has eye issue's...macular degeneration, glacoma, a detatched retna, optick nerve damage, heart problems, asthma, she takes about 25 pills a day. I have to pick up urine soaked diapers off the floor & clean up the mess. If I make a meal, I don't know how to cook. She tell me to go pick her up dinner & it's my "duty". She tells me on my birthday that I should've been aborted. She, like your mom, plays me against my siblings by talking about me to them & about them to me. If I go ANYWHERE, evento work, I feel guilty, let alone somewhere to have fun. She says I'm a loser, no one wants me, have you looked in the mirror lately? She also brings her Roman Catholic religion into our fights & acts like she's so "holy" as she rec'vs communion & says her rosary, all the while telling me how horrible I am & that she hopes my cats get sick & die! She later will act like NOTHING HAPPENED & I'm the crazy one. She says how everyone should remain a virgin until married then said to me "oh good, now that you have a boyfriend maybe you can finally start having sex". She doesn't even know whether I had sex a long time ago or not, she just says sick things like that. She read all of my diarys, hacked into my computer, then denied all of this. She hid CAT FOOD & my cell phone...She then will tell my aunts/cousins that I'm starving her. She recently started calling my neighbors over to the house if I don't answer her or do what she wants, so they must think I'm nuts. She threatens to call her lawyer every other day & change the will from me being executor to not being in it at all. She said she's calling the cops on me. She blamed me for when she falls on the floor. TRUST ME, we're not the crazy one's. I even went to a hospital on my own for depression back in 2010. I wasn't home a week before she "started" on me again & said, "you need to go back to the psyc. ward, you're lucky I took you home. They should've kept you there". I told her several times she's mentally ill & that she needs help. She refused any anitidepressants & threw them on the floor. She wrote ON THE WALLS IN OUR HOUSE IN MARKER, things that my father said to her that she found hurtful & denies it eventhough I can still read it. She threatens to call my place of work & tell them I'm dating someone from there. She tells me to get out of the house, that she'll just take "all her pills" & die...playing the "guilt" card. We're the sane & the strong one's. I just keep telling myself, she's sick & that's how I can forgive but I don't have to forget. By not forgiving, you hurt yourself. I SHOULD LEAVE HER but I don't know how because of the guilt.
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Went through some similar things with my mom. Things got better and I felt better when I started doing what Maggie talked about. I know mom knew what was happening to her and I believe it was her way of showing she could still be in charge. I know it scared her and it was a way for her to cope. Unfortunately for me she would also become violent at times. The slapping, clawing, hitting, pushing, pinching and biting stopped after I started going along with her. And when she would catch me crying she would always ask what was wrong. I would lie and tell her I heard a sad song, story, whatever but then I started telling her why and she would always sincerely say she was sorry. On a different note, it was sometimes very funny! And you do have to look for the humor when you can. She bit the crap out of mu sisters upper arm one time and sis went to go check the damage and I asked mom why she had bit my sis and mom replied it wasn't her, it was the dog. It's not easy when your parent becomes the rotten child but I did finally learn how to let the insults roll off my back and to not take things personally because 99% of the time mom really wasn't "herself" or was just trying to deal with her life the only way she felt she could.
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Just because a woman can give birth, doesn't make her a mother. Alley cats are a better mother. GO! GO NOW! While you still can. This relative of yours (sorry I can't call her mother) will reap what she sows. For all her religion, she sounds in print like the farthest thing from a Christian you can get. How many ways can I say GO? GO! You can do this
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You can rise above this. You do not have to become like your mother. I am determined NOT to become a manipulative narcissist and never will be. I believe narcissists intentionally raise one child as a servant and whipping post. We do NOT have to remain there.
Honoring your mother and father sometimes means leaving them to their own devices; not totally but in someone else's care and if they are adamant about their independence to notify whatever authority so we do not get the backlash.
Please do not let your mother's "religion" poison your own personal relationship with God. The next time she quotes the Bible to you quote back Psalm 27,10: "When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up."
This verse has had a profound affect in my life and speaks volumes of peace to my soul.
She may very well be the one going to hell for abusing you all these years and not repenting from her sin toward you. Individuals like you and I may never understand narcissists but we do know right from wrong.
I once jokingly introduced myself to a nurse in the hospital as "the servant". My mother laughed & said: "That's the way I planned it 50 years ago." Reality bites hard but at least I know where I stand with her. I/we have worth and value to God even if our parents think of us as nothing more than servants. I would much rather be a servant to the God who cares for me than the parent who doesn't. I pray the peace & blessings of God for all of us.
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I would just like to say one thing. If your dad was an alcoholic, your mother suffered plenty and this could account for some of her behavior. Alcoholics put their wives through hell, frequenting bars where they pick up women. This alone would cause your mother an emotional breakdown. Plus, when alcoholics are home they tend to treat their wives disrespectfully in front of the children, which turns the children against their mother. The kids also love this type of father more because he favors them over their mother and lets them do whatever they want. The mother is left to do all the discipline while dad is not even sober, so she is the bad guy, while the alcoholic is the good guy in their eyes. It's amazing how kids grow up in denial of the facts and with a distorted idea of how things actually were. I would suggest you read up on alcoholism and try to get a grip on what your mother's marriage may have been like and how this affected her. Also, having her daughter prefer her father to her and even hate her has to be extremely painful. Try to also understand that if she has dementia as you indicate, her brain is deteriorating which could totally account for her behavior. When I became caregiver of my parents, my mother who had Parkinson's dementia became emotionally unstable and abusive toward me. Not understanding dementia or Parkinsons, I took it personally and became angry with her. When I could no longer care for my parents, they went into an assisted living facility where the doctor identified the problem and put her on an anti-psychotic drug called Seroquel. Overnight her behavior changed and she became happy and kind to me. So please try to understand your mother and get her some professional help instead of hating her.
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OK...here is another one who has a controlling and abusive mom...but mine has always been that way, and I always tolerated it. My sister and daughter have been telling me to put my foot down and stop taking her crap. but that's easier said than done, when you've already taken it for so long. (I'm 64)

Well, after I brought her to live with me, it got so bad, that, like you, I was crying all the time and just tired and miserable. My doctor asked me if I was suicidal, and I said, "Well, I would never kill myself, but if a car were speeding towards me, I wouldn't move out of the way, either" He suggested that I join this site,see a psychologist, and he put me on an antidepressant. The psychologist said, that I was fine...that he would feel the same as me, if put in the same situation, and dismissed me after 2 visits. What a difference all this made! I not only stopped crying, but was able to take mom's criticism with a grain of salt. I was able to smile/laugh at things she said, or as I said things that might've caused her to go off before.

Know what else? As *I* relaxed, so did she. Eventually, she learned that her criticism did no good and she was wasting her breath. Things are much more 'normal' now. That's not saying that we never have days where we are misunderstood, but they are fewer and farther between.

MAYBE, my mom wasn't as bad as you're mom was....(although it seemed that she couldn't get any worse)....but it's worth a try. What have you got to lose? If this post helps even ONE of you, then I'm glad I wrote it.
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say your not alone and i feel your pain.
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You are most definately not alone. My Mother plays a guilt trip on me regularly. Nothing i do never has been or will be good enough. I to am a jack of all trages working 3-10 jobs a day for free and then made to feel bad when i refuse to pay 1/2 of the bills. My mental illness can't handle this stress but i go on for it is my responsability to care for her. A home for me is just not an option. Just wanted
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Thanks again to those who took the time to write me.... it really is a huge relief knowing I have a support group here and some validation that I am not crazy. I feel a bit stronger in regards to my goals and direction I want to move in, but wow, a day like I had with her this afternoon....I am not progressing anywhere, but down, down, down... I always wonder if I actually did tape record her for a day then play it back to her, would she even hear how nasty, negative and MEAN she sounds? The endless complaining on and on and on... and everything is bad, bad, bad... No one will help her, everyone is ripping her off, no one likes her...
Nope, by golly, she wouldn't get it. Hard for me to see my mother allow herself to become so miserable and living the rest of her good years so badly. The biggest worry I have is that I will end up just like her someday. I can't let that happen to me my friends, I am so afraid. Product of my environment? Gene Pool? Say 100 hail marys?? =) Much love to all of you!!!

Kristine
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I think in Biblical times the responsibility for the parent fell on the eldest son. I think even of Jesus's last words for his mother to behold her new son, the disciple John. Jesus as the eldest son was responsible, so he handled his responsibility to John, who I believe was his cousin. I wondered if John's wife took care of Mary. Wouldn't be surprised. :)
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Some great advice here - About the "religious" manipulation - I was about to fall for that kind of thing but I happened to talk to a moral theologian and he explained to me that, at least as far as the Bible went, the obligation to care for parents was simply to help them as well as you could if they fell into destitution. NOTHING MORE! It doesn't sound like your mom is on the streets, and even if she was, you would be doing your job by getting her social services and a roof over her head. There is simply no obligation to live under the same roof with her, nor to provide caregiving services personally. Delegating, helping a person get social services, these all meet the requirements. I mention this because sometimes deeply religious people are manipulated by false information about their religious obligations. Knowing the truth can help you resist these lies. And frankly, I questions whether deathbed promises are really valid because basically there is an element of emotional coercion present, whether intended or not.
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I bet Mom was shocked to get hated on, and you were shocked you let it all out. She probably had no idea she could not just go on emotionally unloading on you without consequence.

To be real honest with you, it might be good to apologize for the worst things you said, like wishing she was dead, BUT let that be on the way out the door...don't let her make you or convince you stay to be emotionally and verbally abused any further. Tell her look, its not working for me to stay here, I (or we) should never have let it get to this point where I just exploded, but I can't take being yelled and fussed at and belittled every day and it does not do your soul any good for me to let you. Tell her to get help for her unhappiness, because her just venting it all on someone who she thinks can take it/will take it has not made it any better and never will. Tell her to talk to her pastor and get her religious ideas straightened out, because no religion teaches people to be hateful and dump on everyone else who needs to be loved and valued just as much as they do.

BLESS you many times for writing back, and on your starting out on a new life for yourself. The road may not be easy, but you are not alone on it!
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Kristi, I'm so glad for you in making this decision. Your mom is Still Independent. Go while you can. And when the time comes when she's no longer able to be independent, know that staying with her is NOT the Only option. There are soooo many options. Your father gave his blessing for you to move on through your dreams. So, you can now leave with a clear conscience. Remember - if your mom can no longer live by herself, there is other Alternative living, etc.... You don't need to live with her to help her. If she's not willing,that's her decision - not yours. When the time comes, and she's being stubborn, call Adult Protective Services. You take care. And I hope you find a job - and one that you enjoy. {{hugs}}
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Oh my goodness, I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I read my own post from over a year ago. It's me, KKsway (aka Kristi Lou), the original poster that was making a plea for help. I don't think I ever returned back to this site after I wrote that. All of the heartfelt replies went unread until now... . as I read the posts, I had this overwhelming feeling of relief and I just could not stop sobbing. I still am. I was brought back to this site tonight in search of help because sadly to say, the situation is exactly as it was when I wrote last year. It actually is worse. Just knowing that you guys took the time to reach out to me and tell me I don't have to carry this burden alone, I have people like you and this site for support. I need to remember that. Mom is the same, only worse. She is just miserable every day. I started working a lot and even though I wasn't happy at my job entirely, I liked going there everyday because it was all day without her. I got laid off a week ago and here I am. Last week was tough for me and she made it worse. She started in with the religion sh*t again, the world is coming to an end and I am going to hell and then tells me she doesn't know why she's trying to save me because I am so stupid & ignorant that my life doesn't mean anything to anybody = never has and it never will be. I am insignificant. I lost it. I told her I hated her! Said I was so sick of the shit that comes out of her mouth and I hated it, hated her and everything about her. I hate what she's made me become and I hate her for dying when dad did. I couldn't tell her enough times that I hated her. I then said I was done with living this way and here I am.... 3 days later. I have to leave here. I know that it's ok with my Dad now, I've heard him in some of my dreams tell me to go live my life and be happy. I know he would want that for me. I feel I have walked in his shoes these last 3yrs. I understand why the man was an alcoholic now!!! Thank you all again, one year later, for the replies and human kindness. I am going to print all of the posts and keep them with me for strength. Much love to all of you! Kristine
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Wow our lives are almost mirror images of each other but my mom only called me a bitch one time. Other times she just says I am disrespectful, lazy, etc. We are the same age with same circumstances. My dad was my best friend too. How are you holding up my dear?
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First of all promises made to our moms and dads do not hold up in my books . I think you made a huge mistake in moving back to your moms place. Why can't your sister and other siblings take some of the load off. I am totally the one in charge of my mom,so I can relate to your feelings. When she gets ugly just go away or send her away. They become like small children
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KK, I know this is months later, but I want you to rest assured you are not alone. I too I am experiencing emotional abuse from my mom who would never have said some of the things she says these days. My brother and I do the best we can to make sure she has a good life, that she can stay in her home, and have care whenever she needs it. Yet, she berates us, tells people how bad she has it, and tells us that we don't know s**t from apple butter. That's her favorite saying and it is usually on the heels of our trying to help her with something. She has nothing kind to say about anyone anymore, and then starts quoting scripture to let us know how flawed and inferior we are. My brother and I have always been self sufficient and have done well for ourselves. She never compliments us and always emphasizes how dumb we are, even though we are both educated and try to be decent people. In fact, we are the kind of kids a lot of parents would brag about or at least be proud of. Not to blow our own horn or anything, I'm just emphasizing how illogical she has become. When I have tried to explain to her how hurtful her comments are, she lays on the guilt trip about how much better everyone would be if she were dead. All this hits us out of left field because we were taught to love and respect our parents and never expected to be accused of being bad children and we are having to relearn how to relate to our mother. It can be heartbreaking and exhausting until you realize and accept that it's nothing that you did that causes this behavior. Still, it is stressful which is why I am grateful for websites such as this one. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't, other than just make sure you take good care of yourself and never feel guilty for it. Once again, you are not alone. We can always count on each other as a sounding board.
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I completely sympathize with you. My mother is controlling and manipulative and sometimes the guilt trips and the insults monopolize my thoughts to the point where I feel I can't ever be at peace. But the truth is there is hope for you. There is always hope. You need to become stronger, and tell yourself that you deserve respect. My mother used the Biblical notion of honor thy father and mother to control me, but I am now seeing that this verse is widely misinterpreted and often misused by those who want to manipulate their children into doing what seems best for them, and not their kids. I don't believe that a loving God would intend for that verse to be meant to apply in harmful situations. And if He is just, which I believe he is, he would not put out mandates that would benefit one person at the extreme expense and misfortune of another. Just think about that. God is supposed to be a loving God! Why would he want you to be abused by someone? By the way, that sad look on her face when you say you are moving out should not be taken literally. She knows you are a kind person with a big heart and that it will bother you immensely if she puts on that face. It is a manipulative act. She pulls that sad face on you because she knows it works. Trust me on this. My mother used to belittle, insult, and scream at me for everything, but knew how to quickly put on the waterworks and the "poor me" act if she wasn't getting her way. The same goes for your mom's statements that no one will ever want you. She told you this not because it's true, but because she knows that if she can get you to believe that, she will be able to gain power over you. She knows you will start believing this lie, and then feel resigned to a life of taking care of her, because she has made you feel like you can't do any better. She has brainwashed you. It's all part of her act to get you to believe you are worthless. It seems to have worked, because now you are telling yourself this same lie - that this must be your fate. You have to stop believing these lies, and take control of your life. This is not your fate. You must also learn something important, and that is to read people better. You have to see your mother for who she is. She is a mean, nasty, person who is coming to the end of her life and must now try to bring you down because it gives her some kind of power and control. Stop making excuses for her. I see that mental illness/dementia is a factor here. But don't let that make you feel that she deserves a pass. What she needs is help, a proper diagnosis, or some kind of meds. If someone doesn't seek the proper help they deserve, it isn't fair for others to suffer the consequences of their inaction. And stop telling yourself this is your fate. You are still young, 44 is not old at all. You still have many years ahead of you. If you continue to take this abuse, and not think about yourself, you are going to end up miserable and unhappy, filled with regrets. She may live for another 20 years, you never know, so why are you giving up on yourself? If your father was a good man who loved you, he would not want this for you. So don't feel you are letting him down. The situation is clearly toxic. Please get help. Talk to someone. Start setting boundaries with her. Walk away if she starts giving you crap. Stop answering the phone, or tell her she can only get three calls a day and after that you won't pick up, or whatever. Yes, there's a chance that she may slip and fall, but that is a chance we all take with our parents, we can't be there 24/7 to monitor them. You need to be realistic here. Nothing you do will ever be enough for these kinds of people, so you need to start distancing yourself before this eats away at you.
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I agree that it’s important to read as much as you can on dementia. This way you will understand her actions and how to proceed – whether to get paid caregivers, etc… What Jessiebelle described, is what I go thru with father. Except I drew the line with being hit on my head/face or him trying to strangle me. I also ordered that book called Elder Rage. I also recommend watching Teepa Snow on the YouTube. She will help us caregivers on how to react towards our parent with dementia.

And I totally disagree that just because you came on here, described your life now – which pretty much describes most caregivers on this site – a promise to care for their dementia parent, the giving up of your job,home, and moving in, the reality of the true abuses done to you as the Only Sibling to step up and care for that parent – I totally disagree on the comment that your emotional development was stunted at age 10. That was really uncalled for. It is obvious you are New to this situation and asking for help. Sometimes, I wish that longtime caregivers on this site Remember What It Was Like in the Beginning of Their Journey as Caregivers.

I also agree with a lot of the other advices given to you. So, I’m not going to repeat it. I think the first step is trying to get your mom to the doctor for proper diagnosis. When was the last time she had her yearly physical? Use that as a stepping stone to see her doctor about her current dementia - if she’s starting it, etc… Once she gets diagnosed with beginning stage of dementia, doors open to you from programs/organizations. That’s how we were able to get meals-on-wheels lunches, a govt paid caregiver to provide 4 hrs services a week, another program that provided us limited funds to buy whatever supplies mom needed for a year. I also strongly suggest hopping around this site and reading as much as you can on the different topics. You will learn what others had gone through (soooo similar to yours!), how they and other posters handled it. That’s what I did when I found this site last year June. When I was done, I knew what to expect with mom and with father and my options.
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Oh man. Forehad slap. You mentioned two years - is it two years right on the dot? You're probably in the middle of a full blown anniversary reaction. Those things will just clobber you out of the blue. First yer maybe not so much since everything still feels like it is in crisis mode...even full blown PTSD may not hit until the adrenaline wears off. Whether you need your very own box of Kleenex you don't have to share with anyone, even Mom, so yo can cry your eyes out for a while, or a doctor visit to get some SSRIs to replete your depleted neurotransmitters (that's PTSD lingo) we're with you. Hope the seemingly conflicting points of view don't drive you crazy, but rather let you see a full range of options and give you permission to feel what you feel and do whatever you decided you need to do; everyone on here has had a unique situation and had to make tough decisions on how best to deal with it...hugs, sister.
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The first of next week, you need to make an appt with your doctor or therapist. You are very depressed and you aren't going to get out of this on your own. You can't "snap out of it" no matter how hard you try. You must take care of yourself. No matter how much your mother has downgraded you (been there), you are a wonderful, caring person. Please, do this out of self preservation. You're worth it.
Ok, now you realize, as so many of us, making those deathbed promises was a huge, gigantic mistake. I wish our brains had a zapper in them for the moments we get all emotional and promise to take care of someone. I did it, like a fool, a few minutes before my father passed away. What in the world was I thinking? My mother and I never got along nor liked each other...how did I possibly think I could take care of her and come out sane?
Look forward, not backward starting today. Help mom get someone to come in and help her or whatever works best. Then leave. You can give her care without living in the same house. If you work up the courage, tell her you don't want to be around her and that you will not take her verbal abuse one more day.
Stop worrying about your sibs not helping. They are not going to. Ignore them, forget them whatever you choose. It'll be one less burden for you. Right now your load is overwhelming. You need to unload, one burden at a time.
Your mom gave you twinkles yet called you fat. My mom's treat was Peeps for me while she she said "aren't you ever going to lose weight?" Yep, nothing like your mom tearing you down with every word. She also did this to my daughter, who can't stand her grandma because of it.
Your mom is a control queen just like mine was. Tell her you refuse to be controlled any longer. If you don't, well, this will go on until one of you is gone. Not a pretty thought, is it?
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My opinion is that you need to have someone else take care of mom. You did what you promised dad and you can still do that on a limited basis, like once a month go see her for 10 minutes. Arrange for her care with someone else. You need to get your life back. Get your career back. No one should withstand such abuse. Get your own apartment and have limited visits with her once you have her cared for by someone else. Wash you hands of the mess.
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KK. Why are you expecting Mom to be reasonable, when her reason is going or gone?

All dementia is not the same, and in vascular types (non-Alzheimer's) judgement and empathy tend to go before memory, especially long-term memory. Either way,
a key is to set some limits and lower your expectations. Mom needs you, she is also mad as hell, and she will take it out on whoever seems to be safe to take it out on. That would be you, the devoted daughter. It's not personal. And it makes no sense because it makes no sense. And it is not wrong to get help and respite and be able to have some kind of a life; mom could, with help and time, get used to someone else being involved in her care and less 100% dependent on you to be there. And it would be a very good idea for this to happen before she needs even more support than she does now.

I'd let her do the dishes too, even you still have to go over them again when she's done. Forget about it making sense. Eat the Twinkies (wow - where is she getting Twinkies? ...not that I could afford to touch them with a ten foot pole myself) and cookies if they aren't really making you fat and have a tea party/Bible study once a week. Wave when she comes out with the binoculars, and exchange the "bitching" stories with the siblings - see who can top whom. If you don't have other good options, and you are really stuck, make the best of it when you can and get whatever help you need to try to reduce the effect of Mom's unreasonableness and negativity on you. I say that all as a daughter whose mom was in a facility but attended to nearly daily by me, and I got lots of the same sort of crap...it helped just to realize it was unreasonable, and of course I could go home. Those calls in the middle of my day at the hospital where I work to make sure she had more briefs or would I take her to her podiatrist appointment on Sunday (probably dreamed that one, but she was really mad that no one was ready to transport her there) eventually dwindled because she lost her ability to even remember how to use the Jitterbug cell phone. I missed it and didn't miss it at the same time. I didn't really miss being told I look like a drip and how tired I seemed, and it turned out when she said this even she could not really even see. But I miss being told she liked how my high heels sounded, so I wore them to her funeral. And I miss Mom and Dad. I'd like to think I could have would have should have done a lot more with them while they were still here and active, but it was so hard to get away and have time and we all have to realize there is only one of us.

I think what I am saying is you are obviously doing your best, don't beat yourself up because you don't get gratitude or support, its an awful common story on here. And your experience with losing Dad and seeing Mom decline is what it is - a very bittersweet journey which you will hopefully come out of, and with as few regrets as possible under the circumstances. My hardest experiences were clearing out and selling my childhood home once it was clear Mom would never go back to it, and then driving 15 hrs in snow to Pgh only not to make it for my Dad's last illness (though at least we had said all the important things already) and then that last morning when mom woke up with the horrible vertigo and chest pain and after all the meds were given that they could give, I was left alone in the room with her when she took her last breath. But, she had said she did not want to die alone, and I take a little solace in that.

I hope you have some better times soon and a chance to make some good memories instead of just feeling bad about this situation, which, BTW, is NOT YOUR FAULT. And BTW, you ARE hard working and independent and you ARE the one who is taking charge of a tough situation.
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I read and re-read your post several times and it triggered a wide range of emotions. I feel compelled to reach out to you and I truely pray that I may provide a little solance if not just for today. Your post is heart wrenching and the magnitude of your distress is heard accross the country. ( Boston-burb is my home.)

First of all my condolences to you on the death of your father and the circumstances. Finding your father must have been devastating and his death heartbreaking. It is evident that you loved your father dearly and he loved you in return. Hold on to those memories dearly.

As for your mother's behavior, yes she is sick and very very mean and abusive.The magnitude of her abuse in my mind is unspeakable and frightening. Jessie Belle could not expressed my sentiments better and she is a very smart and compassionate women. "The promise you made to your Dad is not a valid contract.....he did not include two costs your life and happiness". He would never want you to endure such abuse. You are kind, loving, attractive( checked out your photo-nice) and as Joel Osteen professes you will see a season of increase as God as given you all you already need. (He is inspirational )

Your mother needs professional care and you are not the sacrificial lamb. As I eluded in my post, I live close to Boston and the events that transpired here a few weeks ago has changed my perspective on life. I heard a bomb go off in the early morning hours, a young women who lives in our town was killed and many were serverely mamed and I mean mamed. (Double amputees). Life is precious and
unpredictable. If these innocent people can move ahead and display such courage so can you and so can I. Everyone needs hope, faith, and loving support and it appears that your support system must be provided outside the confines of your family and this is doable. (This is also true for me)

Let's talk about the possibility of resurecting your dreams and yes your career. What are your thoughts?
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Wow. I have a short answer because this is a classic case. First, what do you want to do? Do it. Second, was your mother always a malignant narcissist? Probably. Third, did Dad really love you so much that he expected you to take care of her by living with her? It reminds me of people who take the " honor thy parents" commandment out of context by putting up with ultimate abuse in childhood then are guilted by manipulators to keep taking it in adulthood. What value does that place on a human being by the abusive parent? Not much.
You don't have to do anything for this old witch except try to find her the paid help she needs and resume your life, far, far away. You are abused and put upon.
You are a chronological adult, but something tells me your emotional development was stunted somewhere around 10. Please use your survival instinct to do the right thing and save yourself. Can you imagine what you would think if you read the above question and it was written by another person? Would you think it is normal and healthy? Well, go back and reread what you wrote, then answer it as if you want to help that person, because you are a smart woman. You need to face your fears and heal. Good luck. xo
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Kksway, please go talk to a professional someone and get somebody else's take on this. We are responsible for our own happiness, which means you are not responsible for yor mother's happiness. Nobody can make her happy except herself and maybe some better meds.There's an interesting book called Elder Rage by Jacqueline Marcell about her relationship with her impossible parents.
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BTW, I think the story of Cinderella was written by a caregiver. The only problem is that most of us are of an age when glass slippers just nip our bunions and all the good Prince Charmings are happily married. :(
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I can so relate to everything you have written. We need to have a hall of shame for some parents. Most people cannot grasp a parent who will tear a child down at every opportunity. I don't know what gratification they can possibly get from doing it or why they feel the need to argue about everything. All I can say, KKSway, is that you don't owe anyone your happiness. I don't know how feasible it is for you to make other arrangements for your mother, then leave. I do know you can put your foot down about what you will or won't tolerate.

When we move in with our parents, it can be like they are the children, but the difference is they have dominion over the house. There is talk of the uneasiness caregivers feel for the role reversals that come with old age. I don't know if most caregivers that move in with their parents are really uncomfortable with it. I think the ones most uncomfortable are the parents themselves. They are the parents and it is their house, and they may need one of the children to remain independent, but they really don't want them there. No matter what the adult child does, it is not right. No matter what the child says, it is wrong. If the child stays home all the time, they are told they need to get out more. If they get out more, they are told they are neglecting things at home. If they want to bring in help to do something, they are told there is no money and "they" (meaning the child) can do the work. And if the child does the work, they didn't do it right. Nothing is ever right to these parents and the child gets the brunt of it.

And then they play nice for a day. That can make us even crazier. Is it us or them?? The answer is easy. It is them.

You've given a lot. I know how much you've given. If I could have advised you two years ago, I would have said don't quit your job, don't move. Now the only thing you can do is look for your own happiness either by making other arrangements for your mother and leaving or setting up a new relationship with her with you as an equal adult. We can be respectful of our parents without sacrificing our happiness. We don't owe that to anyone. The promise made to your father is not a valid contract!! This is because he didn't include that two of the costs of the agreement were your life and your happiness. You actually still can honor the agreement with your father by making arrangements for your mother's care if you need to.

Hugs to you. I know exactly what you are going through. What I hope for you is that you can become as tough as nails on the outside and still remain as sweet as your are on the inside. Caregiving a hall-of-shame parent can certainly take it out of us.
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if i were sis id tell her im being tazed and dog bit right now, ttyl.. lol
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