I don’t want to be mom’s caregiver. Why do I feel this way?

Debralee, do not feel guilt. I feel the same way. I feel we are all responsible for our own lives, our choices. My Mom was 54 and attractive when my Dad died. She CHOSE to not remarry which would have opened up the possibility of her not being alone at this stage of her life. Instead, she's with me just when I am trying to have a life that I have worked for, earned ... but it's not possible because I have to take care of her. Of course there is resentment but that doesn't make us bad people.

sunflo2 - you're exactly right!!!And to everyone out there who THINKS I'm "lucky" got news for you - what do you think I do EVERY time I walk in the door from volunteering (at different agencies in the mornings), getting my hair done, even just a dinner out with hubby Richard? Hmmm? I GLANCE AT CALLER ID/answering machine in the family room (I can see it from the front door)to see if the n.h. called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Just because I don't provide Hands on care doesn't mean my mom isn't on my mind 24/7!!!!!!!!Trust me, she is & all the reasons sunflo2 gave for NOT doing this is true - mom didn't WANT/or think she needed help in the home, & this was the result - elderly parents/grandparents are NOT like infants - there's a VERY glaring difference. Ok, my point is if you want & know you CAN, then fine, do it, but ANY doubts about your patience level (cuz you'll need a LOT of patience!)plus any hearing issues, etc. etc. I knew I couldn't do it & now mom's in a place 10 min from us where they provide her physicall care. What I do every single month like I've said before is pay her rent & submit financial documents to my Medicaid person - I don't know what we'd do without her! And those two jobs are plenty of work in themselves!

This website is an oasis for me and many other caregivers. This is the one option that we have to, really, express our feelings without judgement or guilt(so I thought). We are human. Caregiving entails a lot; and we get overwhelmed. I appreciate everything that my mother did for me: however, that gratitude does not make me acceptable of abuse (mainly mental and emotional),criticism (when I am neglecting myself to do for you), nor ungratefulness. Taking a love one in your home to take care of them is the ultimate show of gratitude. Also, not doing so (if you know this is not the best option) is also a show of gratitude-it eliminates the feelings of frustration, resentment and anger. Many of us took the role of caregiving not knowing that it would lead to these feelings. We did it out of love and caring. If I could go back to 2010 I would not be a caregiver. I would not have brought my mother into my home-not because I don't love her or am unappreciative-but because I know this is not the best thing for either of us. It has not made a stronger bond
between us-just the opposite. Sometimes we need to follow our heads and not our hearts. If a person knows that being a caregiver is not for them, who are we to judge? Hats off to those who made (or are making) it through without a problem. A lot of us is not so lucky.

You don't want to take care of your mother because you have not yet drunk the Kool-Aid of guilt that society and aging parents try to put on us. They are able to live longer because they suck the life out of our lives and we do not get our turn in the sun.
DON'T DO IT!!!!!

Debralee; you have overwhelming support here. Don't do it. I'm in your situtation and don't want to be the caregiver nor guardian (my mom has not asked me to do so; but her mental health condition (90 with dementia) and recent circumstances dictate need for her to have care.
I didn't want to be caregiver nor do I want to be guardian. This site has given me courage and knowledge not to take on that responsibility.

Don't feel guilty. You may have many reasons not to:
1. No matter where your mom's physical, mental and financial wellbeing is today -- you can be assured it wont stay this way and her needs WILL BECOME INCREASINGLY COMPLEX requiring increased care-time, increased skill set, etc. Realize you may not be up to the task and likely will not be able to do this even part-time for long.
2. Your parent will never be receptive to care from an outsider; so delaying it by "stepping in" in the meantime isn't going to be any easier later and you "stepping back out" will be much harder later than doing so upfront.
3. All those (neighbors, friends, family) saying they will help out -- is highly unlikely; and their support will dwindle over time...
4. Things change quickly; which means your mom's needs will increase and need for skilled care will increase; her personal needs (companionship, etc.) will increase and you will increasingly lose more of yourself to meeting her needs than yours.
5. Even if you get her in-home care, place her in AL, Memory care facility, etc. -- you will still devote plenty of time to managing finances, managing these caregivers to some extent.
6. Realize that placing her in proper care such as AL, memory care, etc. will be best where she is in a safe, healthy, skilled care environment, with great activities, companionship, new friendships, etc. that will keep her from isolation. -- BEST OF ALL, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SPEND REAL QUALITY time with your mom without all the distractions and frustration of her day to day care.

Don't do it! For all of you who want to be caregivers, have good relationships with your loved one and have the time and skills to do so; you are saints. Some of you have no other choice, and many hugs to you for stepping up to do so.

You have to make the individual decision for you and your well being -- including your family's. Think about it very carefully before you enter into this very demanding position.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

I'm grateful for the sacrifices my parents made for me too, but I didn't ASK them to make them - they made that choice, so I guess what I'm saying is it should be the adult daughter/son's CHOICE if they feel they CAN to either move into their parents' house or have their parents move in w/them. In MY case, for personal reasons, that opton just wasn't feasible & like I KEEP saying, this site is for SUPPORT NOT judging...

Whoa- just answered question without reading other posts and now see the problem. Some people act out their own pain by accusing others. I probably did it myself a couple years ago when my caregiving duties were overwhelming. I know I made some enemies on a couple of threads after my attitude.
It is all part of the cumulative pain that resides here on Aging Care.
Now, when I read mean comments or criticism of someone who is in pain, I see the Big Picture. It helps to step away, but obviously some of you cannot at this moment.
I urge everyone, no matter what your circumstance, to ask for help, even if you think there is none. Remember the verse: "There but for the Grace of God go I."
Please do not condemn each other for that which you have not experienced. On the other hand, those who do attack and criticize, we must have compassion for them, as well. Caregiving is mostly sad, unfair, and hard on us. It is full of lessons that we have come this far to learn. I feel for all hurting caregivers. Bless you All.

It's a simple answer and Dunwoody already told you. Lol. I won't mess with his eloquence! xo

melaniemorris - you are so OUT OF LINE! You obviously didn't have a narccistic, pessimistic parent - which is great and I'm happy for you but you should not be placing guilt on anyone on here. Not to mention the additional stressor if you add Alzheimers/Dementia to the individual, trying to work, maintain a marriage and raise children at the same time. Your mother, as well as your grandmother CHOSE to have children which includes her freedom and fun when she made this decision. And this child will grow up and become less dependent on us each day. We don't get always get to CHOOSE to be a caregiver and this person will NOT grow up but become more dependent on us. And some mothers/fathers didn't "earn it" as they were absolutely terrible parents and some of us still choose to help - but others shouldn't be condemned because they can't or won't subject themselves to further punishment from them. And I pray for you because your day will come too regarding you placing judgment on other people for not being as "good" as you are. :(

melaniemorris-your caring for your grandmother, mother and adopting special needs children makes you a very special and admirable person. I even weilcome your negative condescending comments. I need, though, to address those comments. I am the third of four children. My mother wanted more children than she had. Does that sound like she suffered and sacrificed her life for me? My mother was a stay home mother and waited until the youngest dhild was in school. She did not have to work, but chose too work. The money she made was not put into the household fund. It was used to pay for hotel rooms so she could have her twice a week affair with a married man that she eventually married fourteen years later after dumping my father after 27 years of mariage. As for my children, I have three. The pain of childbirth was nothing compared to the blessing of having them put into my arms after they were born. I enjoyed every moment of their childhood both the good and the bad. Their needs were never a burden to me. They are now responsible adult children a mother can be proud of. All three have told me they would have no problem taking care of me if need be. I told them in no way were they going to take care of me. I will put myself in a nursing home before I would allow that to happen. If my husband ever needs hands on care giving I will be there for him. If my children ever needs a helping hand I will not think twice. Why not my mother, maybe I do not wish to repeat the trauma of childhood abuse or the fact she is in a far better financial situation than me!!!! This site is suppose to be about emotional support for the caregiver not tearing to pieces someone's emotional well being with a holier than thou attitude. I believe your negative attitude toward my situation you know very little about, is a smoke screen to a very deep anger issue in your own life. You see, in my life, my husband and children allowed me the honor and priviledge of being a wife and mother. Never knew what a honor and priviledge it was to be a daughter.

I had to step away to calm down!!! I am thankful for being on this planet but my mom let me know every single day I should grovel at her feet for the sacrifice SHE made to put me here. My kids were my choice, they didn't ask to be born. My mom made idiotic decisions as an adult then demanded I quit my job, leave my family and care for her. No way in h/;l!! One of us would not have made it out alive.
When judging, which is not our right, comes off as arrogant and mean it only makes the judge lose all credibility. Opinions are fine, judging is not.

Melaniemorris, don't you think you were a little hard on her? Wow! If you knew how I'm feeling at this moment - ugh - you'd read me the riot act! You just don't "get" it - I'm reallly surprised at your answer - this site is for support - BUT everyone's entitled to their opinion...

melaniemorris, what are you doing on this site? I've never heard such crap. This isn't constructive, this is destructive. Whatever issues you personally have, obviously have nothing to do with the issues this site is all about. Shame on you.

AlwaysMyDuty, I agree 100%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Everyone's situation is different & nobody should be judging anyone! That's NOT what this site is al about is it? Unfortunately, I was on the receiving end of criticism so I know what it's like...

melaniemorris, who are to judge? It's wonderful you had a loving experience with your mother and grandmother. There are those of us who were not or are not that lucky. You need to realize there are individual circumstances that determine others' decisions. There are no blanket rules in this caregiving game. IMO, my judgement day will come from a higher power, thank you very much.

Jackie; look into elder day care and/or nursing homes. With her low income, is Medicaid assistance possible? Hugs

Do not compare raising a child with caring for an elderly. There is absolutely NO comparison. An infant may need constant feeding. But as they grow, they learn to feed themselves, crawl, and learn to walk and run. They want their independence. By age 6, you basically leave them alone and not worry about them around the house. From that age on, you have it easy.

An elderly parent with dementia - can last for years. Mom got diagnosed in her early 50's. I was age 23 when she was diagnosed. I am now age 47 and still caregiving her and now my father - both are bedridden. Let's just say that we grew up in a very dysfunctional family. If I had not found God at age 22, I would have done what all my 7 siblings did - leave home and not look back. I have been punched on my face/head by my father (not dementia), attacked by mom (dementia) and put up a lot of stuff. Mom stopped walking - became bedridden. When you have a bedridden and your 7 siblings refuse to help, then you have NO vacation anymore. NO dinner outs, NO partied, NO Anything! Because you have no babysitters. It got so bad, I became seriously suicidal last year. I spent half my life caregiving and saw no end to it. So, I was going to end my life - if that was the only way out of this prison. Fortunately, I found this site and got help.

Debralee - I strongly recommend that you do NOT bring your mom home. There are soooo many options to try before that comes up. I so hope you find an alternative!

Being a parent to a young child and being a caregiver to an elderly parent is NOT the same thing. We have children when we are young and strong, NOT when we are aging, needing to take care of our own health issues and trying to save for OUR retirements in a lousy economy. If I brought my mom to live with me, she'd be isolated, querelous and anxious, just like she was at home--alone until I finally threw up my hands and quit my job. I think that most elders, if they can afford it, are FAR better off in good caregiving situations with their children looking out for their interests. Our parents do not OWE us an inheritance; they owe it to us to take care of themselves. For years, my mother resisted the idea of leaving her house and going into an independent living situation; I finally pointed out to her that my brother (the one who is her favorite) was going to have a heart attack someday, rushing to rescue her from some emergency--water in the basement, snow that needed to be shoveled, a car issue--and she finally saw the light. The house, which is not yet sold, but will be this spring, she now sees as an investment that she and my father built up, a nest egg that will care for her as she ages.

That should say I don't have the patience or the strength anymore.

My husband is retired due to work injury. We have my mother in law living with us, she is 76. He can't take care of her. I do 95 percent of everything here. She has no income except for 540.00 per month. She has short term memory loss and takes 14 different pills a day for other things. She has been with us for 4 years. I don't know the patience or the strength to take care of her anymore and my husband too. He has no siblings. Any suggestions, she has no money and We can't afford to put her in a assisted living or anything like that.

So, what if your mother had decided she didn't want to be bothered with YOU when you were born? You kept her from having the freedom and fun she wanted. She had to spend her time and money on your needs and clean crappy diapers, listen to squalling, and imagine the pain of childbirth on top of it all. Now that she needs you, oh well, you can't be there for her. You would not even be on this planet to enjoy all these great things you plan to do if not for her suffering to have you. I just hope that when your time comes your own children will take a lesson from what they see you do now and dump you off at the nearest nursing home and say they can't be bothered. It was an honor and privilege for me to care for both my grandmother and mother. They had earned it. Don't worry- your day WILL come.

Why is it that you don't want to be your mother's caregiver? I'll answer that! It's because you are a rational, informed, realistic, bright person! You are absolutely right to resent a change of life style. You MUST NOT take on this unbelieveably difficult task. Been there. Done that...with my husband. I finally hired caregivers until they were no longer able to get him in and out of bed. He was heavy. He eventually was in a nursing home. I loved him dearly and tried to do everything I could to improve his life. I have no guilt. Depending on your financial situation, you may be able to have her in Assisted Living or Nursing Care. Perhaps, you will need to research and find what you can afford. Do NOT tell her that YOU won't care for her. Clue the doctor and have him deliver the news. Visit her when you can, keep in touch with her doctor's advice, call her daily. Take her out to a restaurant, if she's able. Do only what you can do . That will tax you enough . Tell her you love her. Pray a lot. God bless you! Corinne sending big hugs!

You don't want to be her caregiver bc "She has a very emotionally needy codependent personality." That's my mom and she is more than I want to deal with. I am her caregiver, but I am not taking her into my home. I just saw her 3 out of the past 4 days and spent the remaining day working on her $$$. I am so stressed. Nope, she is in a CCR and she will stay there. I will always watch out for her best interests and be there for her, but in the way I can, which is not the way she fantasizes about.

Good for you for being so honest with yourself. It will work our for the best as long as you remain true to yourself. There are plenty of other ways to get her needs met that don't involve you giving up your life and being filled with resentment...

@debralee - that is typical of your mom's generation - they were raised to work their fingers to the bone in an effort to 'leave something behind' for their children/grandchildren/etc. It is antiquated thinking at best, but it's hard to change that train of thought. Since it doesn't sound like you are having to make the caregiving decision now (lucky you!) I would definitely let your mom know that she needs to use her money for herself to live a happy and comfortable retirement NOW, as she (and I assume your father) worked for years to earn that right. If, after that, there is anything left, then so be it. For your stepsister to ask for an "advance" is ridiculous - I hope she told her no.

I honestly don't believe our parents have any clue the burden that caregiving places on their children. Back in the day when they were younger, women stayed home with the children & never worked outside of the home...it wasn't as much of an issue. These days we can't afford to stay at home forever - we have our own retirements to fund. Caregiving also completely changes the dynamic of the parent/child relationship - almost reverses it, to be honest. I find myself treating my mother more & more like a child, and I see her acting more and more like one...it's a vicious cycle that I am trying very hard to break, but it's not easy. My mother has lately dropped the "pleases" and "thank yous" - More & more I'm hearing "get me my pills" "come take my plate to the sink", etc. (I am ready to blow a gasket...but that's another topic! ha!). You are correct in worrying about medicaid in her future...the pensions alone disqualify her or at the very least she will have a huge share of cost to pay each month.

I want to thank everyone who has commented on my question. I am amazed at the response I received. Right now my mother is living independently and is in a good financial situation. She assumes she will come live with me when the time comes probably because I agreed to be her DPOA, administrator to her will and being joint owner on her checking account. I have tried discussing alternative places to live in the future, but she keeps throwing in the financial expense and does not want to end up losing all her assets so there will be no inheritence for me and three others. The only one interested in their due right inheritence is my greedy lazy stepsister, she has already asked for an advance on her portion. Her assets need to be used for her care. She wants me to take the responsibility for her care so others besides me can benefit from her legacy. To me that is selfish on her part and that is another reason I do not wish to be her hands on caregiver. She owns a house worth about $250,000, cash assets of $55,000 and monthly pensions totaling $2200 dollars. She can definately afford in home care or assisted living. My biggest concern is if she ever needs medicaid for NH care she will not qualify. Will I then be forced to have her, have to, come live with me?

I think you're resistant because you know it would be a bad decision for you and that is why you should care for mom from a distance and not in your home. Go with your gut feeling and don't let guilt overrule you. I never would've had my mom live with me although I thought about it ...once. My husband said over his dead body, reminded me of how mean and disrespectful she was to me and he was retired in poor health and was not going to babysit her while I was at work. End of story. She stayed in her home and i did what I could for her. I wasn't giving up my life, just like I wouldn't expect my kids to give up theirs for me. I have no regrets whatsoever.

Debralee;There really are some good facilities available for your mom, and you don't need to feel guilty about not wanting to take care of your mom. I know when my husband went into rehab I had so many people tell me that it was a good thing, and they had been worried about me not taking care of myself. I appreciated hearing these things. He is home, and yes, I'm a 24/7 caregiver but I am called to do it, so it is done with much more ease now even though he is confined to a bed most of the time.
I think you being honest with your feelings is good, but don't beat yourself up for no reason at all. Many care givers can do this with different perspectives although we still continue to have our moments of frustration. That is normal. I guess I look at my situation in a way that this is temporary, and even though we've been together 18yrs. of marriage, and yes sometimes I wonder if it will ever be the same; I still find it easy to give back to him all the love he's given me over all these yrs.
Debralee; you will do the best for both you and your mom. If she goes into a nursing care facility, she may enjoy it, and get connected with other people there. I use to go visit 3 times a week at our local nursing home yrs. ago, and got to know some of the residents real good. They love visitors, and I was always more blessed when I left. God understands, and wants you to know He'll help you with all of this. Just lean on Him. He's got some pretty big shoulders. ysic, southernyankee

While my MIL was in the hospital, they tried to release her roommate to an elderly daughter. The daughter stood right there in the room and said "Absolutely not." She never did pick up her mother. Sometimes, you just have to do what it right for yourself. (I wouldn't be a care taker, either.)

I have a 74yr. mother with dementia who's a live in, but attends adult day care 6 days a week. Honestly, I know I would not have considered it if I didn't have this. Even with this, you must plan every move you make ( dinner with friends, a walk for exercise and stress relief, vacations, uninterrupted time with your spouse, etc.) Caregiving is challenging.