I don’t want to be mom’s caregiver. Why do I feel this way?

You don't want to be her caregiver (for good and sufficient reasons, considering the abuse of your childhood). Don't be her caregiver. Enjoy your empty nest. Enjoy your relationship with your adult children. Offer to help her find the help she needs, but do not provide it personally.

What is it that is preventing you from having the life you wanted when your children became adults?

If you mean that you don't want your mom to move in with you, or be totally dependent upon you for her care, I totally agree! At least in my mom's case, it is FAR FAR better for her to be in an independent living facility where she gets meals, exercise, intellectual stimulation and a little "push" to be more independent. when she lived alone at home, she was emotionally needy, frightened and isolated. The change in her has been remarkable; I highly recommend it.

At least you know how you feel without torturing yourself about not fitting into the expected mold of "everyone should take care of their own". I fully understand your loss of freedom as I am caring for my mother and I feel that way, but it's part of the job. It's also relatively temporary. She's 95; she won't be around forever. I'll get my freedom back. But, if you can't being strapped down and unable to enjoy life, there is always the option of a assisted care environment. Not everyone is cut out to do this job.

We must share the same mother! My mother is the very same way. Unfortunately, not all of us have the money to place our parents in assisted living and must look to the state for help.
My mother has been an emotional drain my entire life. She has mental health needs that make her emotionally unstable. I don't know how many times she's had to live with me because she had no where else to go.
I have already talked with my mother and told her that she could no longer stay with me; it's entirely too taxing on me and my family.
I too am an empty nester and just placed my father in a nursing facility. We are tired, my husband suffers from PTSD and severe depression and we also care for our grand daughter 4 days out of 5. We love having her around, but we need our time too, thus a 3 day weekend. Next year she will be headed to preschool.
It's not wrong to feel this way AT ALL. You just need to figure out what's best for both of you and stick to the plan.
A body can only take so much before you the caregiver needs caring for themselves. Don't place yourself in such a position.

Debralee, I'm an only child (52)& Dad's gone now, so it's just me & mom (she's 94). I have to take care of her financially, which means I must physically go to the n.h. every month to pay her rent since she's on the Medicaid diversion program. That also means I must submit bank statements EVERY month to my Medicaid lady (Maureen) - she's fantastic. I also have to submit activity logs every month to Maureen because mom's on Medicaid. I HATE it!!! I feel trapped & stuck in this area AND to top it all offf, the DOR said she could live anoather 20 yrs!!! :) So where does that leave me??????????????????Doing THIS for possibly another (although highly unlikely but you get my meaning) I don't know what to tell you, Debralee, could you message me & tell me more about yoiur family, job, etc. BTW, I didn't want to take care of my parents either even though I wasn't & still not working - it's VERY difficult for an only child to take care of elderly parents. But the only problem I see with ALL of our answers is what will happen to US when we get older?...We'll have to remember what we went through _ I don't know...But message me, ok? I feel overwhelmingly guilty for not feeling up to the task of taking care of my own parents...

If you already feel this way before she moves in, then please don't take her into your home. If you are dreading it now, and she is still not living with you, imagine your life while she is there. I regret so much that I "allowed" my father in law to live with us, even though for months and months before hand I kept asking my husband for us to please make other arrangements. Now he is here, has ruined my home life, destroyed the family connection, and is hell bent on destroying my marriage, and I am beyond angry and resentful at how much I have lost because of him moving into my home. Nobody is happy, least of all him. Don't do it: to your husband, to your marriage, to your mom ... but most importantly, don't do it to yourself. Rather make the tough decision up front, than have everything destroyed and then STILL have to make the tough decisions.

If there is an alternative, DON'T take her into your home. I regret every decision that led to Mom living with me. They were her decisions, and If I could have just seen down the road a bit, I wouldn't have enabled her to make them. oh, boy. We reap what we sow. She has given away money, so we can't even use the Medicaid avenue, I don't think. I am seeking help in all directions, but so far I am running into brick walls. Please, for your won sanity and your life, have your Mom move into a place where there are others her age if she can at all afford it. Good luck.

Debralee, There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to take care of your mother and feeling this way you should not become her caregiver. If you feel you can , you might help her to set up a caregiving situation that meets her needs. If this is too much, you might hire a geriatric care manager to take over the management of her care.

This is not being selfish but rather brave. Caregiving is very difficult even in the best circumstances. By acknowledging your limitations and the limitations of your relationship with your mother you can find solutions that work for both of you.

Nobody previously answered why I resent having to be the caregiver.. that is that my relationship to my folks changed!... going from that of a DAUGHTER to that of the CAREGIVER while my siblings remained their children. It wasn't fair! I am not an only child, but may as well be since my sisters only call or come at special times and do not give me a break even though I have asked for help and a "day off." You must do what is best for ALL. It is much easier to do the best thing FIRST even if you dont feel comfortable with the decision. For me, caregiving is the right thing, even though it is a tough thing. Feeling resentful is a natural part of caregiving. Taking care of my kids was not as difficult as taking care of my folks because being a mother was "natural." Being a caregiver to parents or spouse is not in our picture album of life because they never get better. They used to say "Old age isn't for sissies!".. well neither is caregiving! Do the best for everybody!

Why do you feel this way? Because you are sane. Who in their right mind wants to take on this burden, and a burden it most certainly is. Do what you have to do, but don't feel guilty about it. You owe her nothing. None of us do. We do it because either we have great hearts, too much guilt or aren't that bright. I'm still trying to figure out which category I belong in.

I can honestly relate to what you feel, but I feel very guilty.
I have been taking care of my mom for 15 years in my home. We have never really had a mother and daughter relationship like I would have wanted, but through the years I lived with that. In Sept of 2012, mom got really sick and was in and out of the hospital and re/hab nursing homes. I spent a lot of time with her trying to support her and get her better. She finally realized how important I was to her and for the first time I can remember she said she loved me. That meant so much to me. I knew that I loved her too, but we could never get the words out. What a shame that is. Mom didn't want to die in a facility, but at the same time I didn't want to be a care giver anymore. But we finally got close and felt I should take her back home with me. It is too late now, mom passed away on Feb. 1st of this year. She was 96. I feel so bad about all this, especially about the part where she wanted to die home and not there and I didn't want to take care of her anymore. I I enjoyed my time alone for those five months, but still visited her everyday. We finally connected like mother and daughter, but it's too late. The guilt is eating me up.

I am the victim of a selfish, needy young person who is now an even MORE selfish, needy old person. My mother-in-law, since she was 76 connived, wheedled, pestered and tortured her only son that she HAD to live with us and he crammed her down my throat. She is now 97 and truly does need help but she was only 4 years older than he is now when she insisted she couldn't live alone. RUN, don't walk. DO NOT allow yourself to be badgered into this misery. It NEVER gets better. I hate every moment of it and my own health is being destroyed. There will be no one to care for me and there hasn't been for 16 caregiving sucky years. My husband has a kidney transplant that is failing. I simply can't take care of either of them anymore after being in a car accident in 2011 that crushed five disks in my back. Does she care? NOOOOOOOOO! So why do I have to???!!!

My first question, does your mom have dementia or anything similar?

Either way, you will lose your life if you take her into your home and you have every right to fear it. It is a real fear. But the fear of guilt can often outweigh the fear of losing your freedom. It is a horrible place to be.

I moved mom in with me but it was a result of strokes and dementia (crazy talk). I often think I could take care of her needs if she were in her right mind, but the dementia (chronic repeating and disorganized thoughts) is eating me up.

My mom is with my sister right now to give me a break. I dread her return and I have always been close to her but caring for her is a slow death for me.

Absolutely NO FREEDOM. You cannot just get up and run to the store--you have to make sure someone is on duty and when you do go to the store (just one example of trying to leave the house), you are sick with worry. The resentment and guilt associated with resentment will kill you sooner rather than later. If my mom were in her right mind (I keep thinking this would make a difference but I am really not sure), I might be able to survive it, but when your mom is sick and you live with it day in and day out...24 hours, 7 days a week, you see yourself in your old age every day, all day, and you believe that this will be you some day. It is not healthy. It is undoubtedly unhealthy and then you cannot be there for your family the way you once were. You start to hate yourself because you see what it is doing to them and then you will hate your mother because she is making your family unhappy.

My sister and I do not see eye to eye on most things in caring for mom, BUT, I felt like I was sinking into a dark hole. I had to have help. I tried to bring people into my home and pay them but my mom hated everyone...it is either the dementia or she is just hateful and I never saw it growing up.

I want to tell you to not do it from the bottom of my heart, but that is easy for me to say--I am giving you advice I did not give myself. If you do not have help, I strongly suggest that you do not take this on.

Wow, inthestorm, I feel for you. I have a friend in the exact same position, (she's the sister that helps the other sister by taking the Mom for a week a month). It is really hard for all of them.

I am one of three that takes care of both physically and emotionally needy parents. Dad now in a NH but I go over every day to feed him. It is killing me. Neither sibling will help in anyway. One calls me every once in a while but what the f' is that?

DebraLee, listen to all these stories. Listen to us. Do not take her into your home, Do not succumb to all her needs. Get her help and enjoy your life. I can't and I am miserable. If you have the funds, looks into independent living with continuum care. BEST situation and she'll make friends and have activities etc... I do my best to get away when I can, but it's a very hard balance with aging, needy parents, teenagers, a husband, a company to run and all of life's demands.

You have a choice. Choose wisely. Choose your life. You can help her without becoming the caregiver, but set the boundaries EARLY.

xo

-SS

Selfish Siblings: You made me laugh. My sister is a control freak and believes mom's Xanex is the cause of her dementia so she backs her off of it (what the doctor prescribes) every time she takes mom in. She is obsessed with trying to find a reason for dementia. Without Xanex, mom is in the inbetween of knowing what is going on and knowing she is losing her mind and she is frightened. Why should she be scared at age 84? So what if she blabbers a little more when she takes her pill? She is more content. So dealing with mom and my sister is more than I can stomach. BUT I HAD TO HAVE A BREAK.

Some people, me included, are simply not emotionally equipped to be caregivers. I am struggling as MY HUSBAND'S CAREGIVER! Yes, I am. Physically, logically, I can handle doing what I need to do...taking care of everything, every day, making decisions which I have to pretend to discuss with him because he has no clue what to do about finances, making repairs, taking care of the house, meals, etc....the list is endless. But emotionally, I am drained, sucked dry and feel guilty and a terrible person/wife because I don't want to deal with this. I should be working because I am still young and need to work for financial and health benefits. I can't because my husband needs help with managing his meds and meals. I worry that he might try to drive some where...which he isn't supposed to do, but I can't physically stop him....he would get lost for sure but the biggest worry is that he would have an accident and we would lose EVERYTHING! call the Alzheimer's Assoc hot line...they have people who can help you. Talk to medical professionals, clergy, and find a local care giver support group...they are everywhere and meet at all different times of the day...you should be able to find one that you can attend. Keep reading the posts on this site...there are lots of others in your shoes. There are a lot of articles, too, which can help you. Go to the Alz Assoc site, the Alz Foundation site...all these places have help for us. You are not bad; you are human. But do try to be loving and supportive and help your Mom find the care she needs....good luck!

In the part of MA where I live there is a business called "Loose Ends" - might be worth inquiring if there is anything similar in your area - particularly families dealing with the financial issues.

Don't do it! It will change your life and not in a positive way. I brought my mother into my home over two years ago. There has not been a day that I haven't regretted it. She is mean and unappreciative beyond belief! I have no help from siblings or any family members which has caused a lot of resentment. Feel no guilt, Do what is best for you. Caregiving is not my problem. I was a caregiver to my husband. I had no problem {because of the type of person he was). As Dunwoody said, "We owe our parents nothing". My son owes me nothing. What I do for him I do as a loving mother-not for payback down the road. I know that there will come a time when I will need his help. Keeping this in mind I want his help out of love-not obligation. No one has the right to treat another person unkindly and expect that person to just for-get and come to his/her rescue. Do what you have to do for you.

For what it's worth: My 91-year-old mother has lived with me for 25 years. She's been self-absorbed and somewhat depressed all of her life, but she also has traits that I admire (intelligence, humor, a strong will). She's long been financially dependent on me, and in recent years has had cognitive issues after a small cerebral hemorrhage. She was never a "motherish" person, and I supposed I'm the product of that to some extent. At times my circumstances make me want to scream. But I get a grip by thinking that, because of her diminished abilities, she no longer is the person that I've resented. She's just someone whom I love and who needs my help. So I do it, with occasional gnashing of teeth. I came across the phrase "the balm of acceptance" somewhere. That helps too.

Wow - so much anger, bitterness and resentment in so many answers! Only you can assess your capabilities and your situation and what will work best for you. It is a difficult and often overwhelming job that works for some and for others not at all.

My recommendation would be to discuss with her primary medical person her health needs and living/care options in your community. Check out your areas Agency on Aging and Elder Care. See if you can find solutions or options to have Mom properly cared for other than you becoming her primary caregiver. Only once those questions have been answered can you come up with an appropriate game-plan that will keep her safe and properly managed and allow you to be involved in whatever manner you are capable of being. Remember, decisions can always be modified or changed as time goes by.

It sounds like you are quite scared of the responsibility this would entail and rightly so, especially with a needy person. You would have to be quite strong about maintaining some boundaries and being able to say "no" to her when she is manipulating you. It is neither easy nor what we expected to do at this time in our lives. However, although caregiving can and probably would consume your life, there will be and end-date to it. That is also something you need to discuss with your Mom's doctor: is Mom projected to still be around for many years or are you near the end of her life due to health reasons? Good luck with your decision. I know this is a hard one.

A lot of good advice in the above answers. I always got along with my Mom better than my siblings. Until 3 years ago when she had to leave her home. I took her in. Altho it changed our life style in a major way my husband accepted the change. Now I wish I had refused. She is now 97, can be hateful one minute and loving the next. I no longer have any loving feelings for her. She wants to die at home but I sometimes wonder if she will out live me. I am tired and I feel I am wearing out faster than she is. Find a nursing home mear by if possible to put your Mom in. You will be better off going to see her and let them take care of her. If she gets upset with you about it---tough. She will get over it or stay upset. At least you will not kill yourself taking care of her. I think the mental wear and tear is worse than the physical. I know all elderly people don't get impossible to live with but those that do should not expect their kids to endure their whims.

@Debralee - welcome to my world. With us, it came on suddenly - my mother has always had a lot of health issues, but she hid how "bad" it was from us until she wound up in the hospital. I didn't have time to think of the consequences or just how MUCH her living in my home was going to disrupt our lives. It seemed as if one day she was in a SNF recovering from back surgery, and the next she was living here. If I had to do it all over again, and had the money to find an alternative living arrangement for her, you can bet your a&& I would have done it. At the time, she had "too much" (laughable really) to qualify for medi-cal, but didn't have enough to afford an assisted living facility. She was stuck, and so were we, since she couldn't live alone & my siblings are no help whatsoever - physically, emotionally or financially. At the time she moved in, I was going to school and had planned on starting MY career now that my children are grown & (now) married and out of the house. I was looking forward to an empty nest and MY LIFE after devoting 25+ years raising my children....well so much for that plan. After recovering from back surgery, she fell and broke her hip - that road has been even longer, as she is too weak (& stubborn) to truly recover. I now have a "child" that is worse than all 3 of mine put together with the demands that are placed on my time, patience and energy. She is still wheelchair bound, so for safety issues I can't leave her alone for more than a couple of hours - there is no way she can leave this house under her own power if there were an emergency, and we can't afford to hire help (still waiting for IHSS to work us through the system, and they don't seem to be in any hurry to do so). To top it all off, she feels it is her duty to tell me how to run MY house, always commenting on what we are doing "wrong" - no real appreciation for the emotional and financial sacrifices we are making for HER. There are days I hope this doesn't continue much longer - the difference in her health & mobility from just 5 years ago is alarming - yet she's so dang stubborn she'll probably outlive me at this point. If you have the option of NOT being caregiver, then don't feel guilty about it - it is not a job I would ever have chosen knowing what I know now. If only I could turn back time....

BINGO purplesushi! Would you do this to your kids? I don't think so.

My kids have already told me I'm going into a home if I get that bad...haha! ;)

Debralee.......My vote is to enlist the help of an outside caregiver. It doesn't cost an arm and a leg to have someone come in and clean, prepare some meals, and run errands, shopping, etc. Provided your mother doesn't need more extensive health care. In this economy, you can find really good help that is relatively inexpensive. Just be sure to check their references, and do a background check. Our council on aging keeps an updated list of providers that offer a variety of services.

No need to feel guilty. You raised your children and probably did an admirable job. You now want to enjoy the fruits of your labor....your family, grandchildren, and your husband. Your mother enjoyed her life for goodness sakes. Stop feeling guilty....I know, easier said than done. However, once you see that your mother will thrive with a caregiver coming in several days a week, you will breathe easier. Go on vacation, enjoy your hobbies, exercise, and stay vibrant for as long as you can. You have earned it girl. Take care of you now.

oh, I can relate. I have the same codependancy issues going on. Not in recovery, that is. My mom is the same way. Very needy at times and dementia just makes it worse. I used to have a bumper sticker that said. "screw guilt". A good reminder. We have hired a home care service to help with my mother who is 90. She wants to stay in her home and it is working out very nicely and is a fraction of the cost compared to assisted or long term care. We are funding it through small home equity loans for now. May I suggest meeting with a social worker for free programs to help elders remain where they are. Also, if your dad was a vet, there are programs for the spouse...free...if they qualify..do call your local Veterans Admin. You'll get farther quicker than going on the main web site. God Bless

Just eat more sushi. ") Do something nice for yourself too. I love this site....it is so helpful and supportive......

It was interesting to read all the answers to DebraLees's question. I was especially amazed by the one who was having a hard time taking care of the finances for her mother. She doesn't know how fortunate she is not to have full time care of her mother. My situation is reversed. My husband and I are full time caregivers for our 55 year old son who suffered brain damage due to lack of oxygen after a massive heart attack. At first he could not afford care in a nursing home, and we were optimistic that he might improve in time. My husband and I are in our late 70's living on SS, and we get very little help from our other children, but we are still hanging in there. We know this can't go on for much longer, but the answers to this particular question really did amaze me.
And of course we wonder how our lives will be as we get older. Actually I do have Power of Attorney for my son and do take care of all his finances, trips to the doctors and everywhere else.

JJ

don't do it if you don't have to. my mom has been kicked out of two assisted living places and at one point landed herself in the state mental hospital If there is any other way, i advise you not to take on this burden. at an assisted living place, make sure you visit at least once a week, they are treated much better if there is someone visiting them, but she will be fine there and you and your husband deserve a life.

Debralee, because you have your own life to live. I agree with Dunwoody, veronimck, n couple of others. This feeling is normal n don't think it is your duty just because she is your mom. Plus, for those whom don't won't this on their own children when the time come, try to get some long-term insurance to help the situation as much as possible. We all hope we just die in r sleep however, that may not happen, better to try n prepare if possible.
I would try to find out her financially situation n see if their r any other family member that would want to step up to the plate. If no other family members then, I would seek to talk with a social worker or look for Assisted Living or a NH.
Plus they have some places that will transition from AL into a NH if she was to need more one-on-one medical help. No matter what you decided just remember that it is normal the way u feel.
Again as for the, "Why do I feel so resistant to the needs of my elderly mother as a caregiver?" Because you have your own life too! I hope this helps.