I don’t want to be mom’s caregiver. Why do I feel this way?

You've gotten some great advice here. What you feel is natural. You've finally gotten to the stage of having an empty nest. You enjoy your independence. Your mom sounds like she is acting more needy than she really is, which doesn't bode well for the future.

Don't feel guilty. You'll need to help her make decisions as she ages, but she sounds like a prime candidate for assisted living. In such an environment, she'd have the social outlet she needs and wouldn't just depend on you for that part of her life.

As ifnorotic said, cargiving is "easy to get into but hard to get out of."
Also, it is true that becoming the caregiver changes your relationship forever. If she were in assisted living with friends and activities, you could still be her daughter without so much day to day caregiving - at least for now.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

Taking care of an elderly parent or in-law is like planting strangle vine in your yard and then wondering why you no longer have a lawn. You can't take care of everyone, especially those who will not, cannot, and won't cooperate in taking care of them because they resent growing old. Not your problems.

As I child my grandfather came and lived with us after my grandmother died. I had loved him once but soon began to resent him, seeing my mother wearing herself out. I swore that I would not have my parents live with me, however much I loved them. When my mother died and my father asked if he could come and live with me and stuck to my guns. I found him a care home near to where I lived and I visit him almost every day. (I even resent this). However, an hour a day I can live with and we get on better now than we ever did before. I am sure I could look after another aged person, if it was my job but I am not prepared to waste my old age. I would not expect my children to do this for me. While I can still think properly I am trying to make sure that I have the necessary plans in place to keep me independent as possible, both financially and emotionally. I am now learning to love and understand my father instead of resenting him and seeing him as a burden.

Absolutely your Mother does NOT get to decide that she will move in with you (any more than someone else gets to decide that you will marry them -- think about it!).

Your mother may be in to good of shape for it, but have you looked at Board & Care facilities? Many are grim, but some are really nice, and much less expensive than nursing homes. My Grandmother adamently refused to move out of her home. At one point she even suggested that I should move in with her to take care of her (I would have been "free" to work as long as I spent all the rest of my time caring for her ...for free. Um, no).
She got an older friend to move in with her to be her caregiver (originally supposed to be nights only for a few hundred $/month, then quickly was having fits whenever the friend left during the day --"where are you going" "when are you going to be back"" I'll just stay in bed all day while you are gone so I don't fall". She drove both of them nuts for 3 years by arguing about everything and having passive-agressive "spoiled-child" tantrums, while her health got worse. She resisted moving until she broke her hip. Hospital, SNL, then to a board & care. Surprise surprise -- she has done MUCH better at the 6 person B&C than at home! The caregivers don't allow her to lay in bed all day staring at the ceiling ("get dressed --it's time for breakfast"), nor do they allow her to put off eating as a power-play (everyone is going to the table to eat, so she doesn't want to get left out).
Not allowing her to pull the "poor pitiful me" invalid card has done wonders. She hardly ever complains of pain anymore, and no more sensory-deprivation caused hallucinations. She's not the worst off there and -- she's actually in the BEST condition in many ways, thus has control of the TV remote control LOL. The anti-depressants have probably helped too.

my goodness. I think we all have the same mother. I have put my life and my family's life on hold for 2 years now. the day my daddy died, my heart broke and my life was no longer my own. selfishly, I get angry and think about all I am giving up. I feel so bad as I was given a fabulous childhood by my parents and mom deserves my full support. all this time I have been focusing on mom. I am learning that I am no good to her if I am hyper focused on what I am losing. basically, this just sucks! prayers for all who are walking this walk and those who are living with this awful disease

My sibs can twist in the wind if they think I'm going to assume this role alone. it's all-for-one-and-one-for-all in my book. If my sister thinks she can shirk her responsibility to our Mom, she will essentially also be making the decision for me also. I've spent the last few years helping out mother out, but no more.

Don't wanna help sis? You only hurt the person you use as babysitter and personal bank account. I will no longer be the sole caregiver. You can no longer enjoy what was formerly the status quo, thinking that big brother will take care of what you won't. I've got my own life and problems also, and if it's too much for you, then I agree. It's too much for me too.

Have a nice life.

It is okay to say you're not cut out to be your mom's caregiver. It is not for everyone. If you have siblings and/or mom's other relatives ask if you can all split the costs of the nursing home. Also, you can look into hiring a live in caregiver and compare rates. Then you can visit mom as much as you can "tolerate" it. .

And that's OK. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver 24/7/365 for years and years. Getting the best care we can for our loved ones is what we need to do...whether it is us or at a facility. Their care and well-being are very, very important, but so is ours.

Lot's of great advice here, I would like add this: If you are not totally committed to caring for your mother, the care you give her will be sub-par. Stress, exhaustion, sleepless nights, and unpleasant tasks are all part of the job. If you can't handle that pressure, you are going to perform poorly. It's hard to admit, but if you aren't devoted, she would be better served getting care elsewhere.

Everyone's circumstances & experiences are unique. Personally, I didn't see my mother moving in with us as being a huge adjustment until after she was here...I suspect therein lies the problem with a lot of caregivers. You just have no idea how greatly that arrangement will affect your life until it's too late, and then you're stuck and the guilt sets in when you realize you just can't handle it anymore. For those who are able to "see" where this road will lead before they get there, you have no idea how lucky you are! Of course, not everyone's caregiving experience is a negative one....boy how I envy them!

I agree too, that not wanting to care for an elderly parent is completely normal. HOWEVER, taking in a parent will NOT automatically ruin your life! I understand where you're coming from but not everyone has the same relationship that you have with your mom. My mother is in a nursing home because she wouldn't accept help in the home AT all. Plus I'm an only child & basicallly alone. moving into her home wasn't an option because I probably would've shot myself. Same goes for her moving in w/us - but you can't arbitrarily say taking in a parent WILL ruin your life - there are a lot of adult children who DO take care of their parents either in their home or in the parents' home. I firmly believe it's a private decision that should NOT be decided by other people...ugh

I agree with alot of the posts here that what you are feeling is completely normal. It is just something we feel we shouldn't say or talk about. Taking in a disabled or sickly parent WILL ruin your life. It will also ruin the relationship you have always had with your mom as that resentment grows. I took in my mom for 8 months before she had to be placed in a NH and she is still ruling my life with her needs from the NH. It is better to get her the care she needs and continue the relationship you always had.

So many wonderful people here with so many supportive comments. I am so ever grateful for all your kind words. It is not easy when you realize that all you are to your mother is a means to an end or a reliable convenience for her personal care. She is so focused on her own wants and needs that she doesn't considered my feelings. Her idea of love is by virtue of being a mother and what I can do for her as a daughter. Wish I was no one's daughter and just a wife and mother.

caregiver75104, you're telling it like it is without putting her down for not wanting to take full care of her mom - that's why I put my mom in a "rehab center" glorified nursing home - hands on caregiving is a difficult job that strips the parents of their dignity - my counselor told me that - You deserve credit - you're one of the rare folks on this site that don't reprimand people for placing parents in homes - wow! you are one of a kind - they're are some like you & I sent her a private message but most people don't like nursing homes. I see mom twice a week but I also know she's being well cared for - nothing's perfect, but all things considered they're doing a good job. I have mom on Medicaid's diversion program & hired my Medicaid lady's aunt (RN)& uncle (social worker)whom I meet at the home twice a month (they charge by the hour) & it really helps me - this way if something happens I can just call them & they'll know me, mom & her situation - I'm an only child & I need all the support I can get. Well, by now everyone knows my story so I'll end here but will return :) Thanks for listening!

I can understand why you would feel that way. If you don't want the responsibility of being Mom's caregiver, then get her into a nursing home or assisted living so she can be around other people. See if her insurance, if she's on medicaid/medicare can pay for most expenses. If she has other children if you have siblings ask them to contribute as well.

I am a caregiver for my grandfather. The reason why I am caring for him is because he raised me better than my own father did. He is not the same person anymore (he has dementia) and is living in a child like state.
It is challenging work. You must be thick skinned to handle the job and it is not for everyone. My sister went back to work after caregiving both my grandparents (one has passed recently) and I stepped in and became full time caregiver.

Something I never realized until too late was this: Caregiving is easy to get into, and nearly impossible to end. And if it ends in a nursing home or assisted living, you will likely get the blame from some people. It's a thankless, difficult job that I feel most people don't understand.

I can honestly say I felt the same way when my sister decided she couldn't care for my Mom anymore. I was newly married(second time) and couldn't even think of caring for someone else much less myself. Do the best you can and don't feel guilty. My Mom lives in a great place and is safe. I realized I needed to have a life that meshes around hers not the other way around. Good luck!

I don't think it's wrong to put our loved ones in a facility where they can get the care they need 24/7 that many of us simply cannot provide. We all have to sleep sometime! We need to socialize and have a life, too. What is important, however, is that we visit our loved ones every chance we get. We don't have to be there all day every day, but we need to be there as often as possible. Take little treats, movies, pictures, stories, books, magazines...maybe bring a friend of theirs, too, someone who might not be able to visit because they aren't in the best of health either. We need to monitor their care...check for cleanliness, medications, food intake. Be there when they eat. See how the staff interacts with our loved one....and with others who may not have a visitor so the staff may not be on their best behavior with that person...you'll see a lot of what is REAL and not just what they might want you to see. It's OK. Just remember, this isn't a place to just dump the person and run! You still need to be a part of their life as much as you can.

I totally agree. Yes, I would hope my children would want to make sure that I was safe and comfortable in my old age, and that they would remain in regular contact with me. But making them give up their own lives to care for me. NEVER! I would rather kill myself than put them in that situation. Unfortunately, my mother never agreed.

As I've stated previously on this thread, I have made sure my children will never have to have me in their home. I'd rather DIE than inflict this on my children, when I get older. Having to be with someone 24/7 is NOT a good thing!

I wrote my parents separte letters back in 2008,Ithink. In dad's, I told him me &Richard would take care of mom the best we could. I NEVER promised him we woldn't put her in a nursing home if she needed it - I couldn't do that to Richard - he's a good guy & goes with me EVERY (yes I mean EVERY)Saturday about 6 pm to see her for 1/2hr or so. I told him while we were there a couple of wks ago if you don't want to come some Saturdays let me know. He said NO, I willl come with you. Period - he wasn't angry that's just the way it is with him BUT I wanted to give him the option. Bless his heart - I say that because he never got the chance to care for his parents - dad left when he was two & wasn't close to mom, so - but anyway, the point is for me I knew mom wouldn't accept help in the home - she told the whole family! Then when she got sick, in a way God forgive me, I was a little relieved, she'd FINALLY get the care she needed! The nursing home isn't perfect, but being taken care of by us would be a disaster & from all the letters I've read I don't feel guilty anymore.

Chicago, you are so right!! We must learn from this caregiving experience to NOT repeat it when our time comes. So many of us made those promises to not put our parents in a nursing home maybe out of guilt or coercion. Mine was a promise to my dad to take care of his sweetheart. Well my mom was no sweetheart to me! I've already told my kids I've planned the best I possibly can so they will not have to be burdened I just can't do that to them. And one other thing I learned was how to treat my kids with love and respect, as children and now as adults. Too bad my mother never showed me the same.

Debralee, you feel that way because of the reasons you explained---and you are overwhelmed! Add to the mix that you are probably not a youngster, based on your description of having grown children, and you don't have the energy of a 20-30 something-year-old. I think that you are willing to help should be enough. I also believe that you get to the point where you cannot PHYSICALLY do it, as it will be essentially a 24-hour job with no time off. This can create stress that ends up with a resentful feeling you don't want to have. It will become your life, and you will feel like you are drowning without a life jacket. Based upon what health problems your mother has and what is required to take care of her, you will have to make some decisions that you might not want to make. Is she able to enter assisted care? I know many who were against it, but once there ended up having a full and wonderful time, with all the activities and the accent on their needs and interests. Thankfully, my mother asked to go to the nursing home. My family and I took turns caring for her, so one person was not carrying the entire load. When she got to the point that she needed 24 hour care, she went to the nursing home. She had Parkinson's with immobility and was not able to care of herself in any way. It is a good place and local. I am a Registered Nurse and made almost daily visits for five and a half years (she passed in Jan '13) and was there to oversee her care and assist with non-nursing duties, since i was not an employee. The other residents received just as good care as she did. I helped by all the little things i could do, did her laundry all this time, and gave emotional support. I know how you feel and the turmoil it can cause, even though my situation was somewhat not as complicated as yours. I wish you well. You might pray for the answer and the strength, courage and wisdom to make the right decision. This situation is not easy on anyone, and your mother may feel unloved and resentful if you have to put your foot down. You are now in the position that you have to be the adult. We are to honor our parents, and when you are willing to do what you can when you can, without harming yourself, then you have done what is right. Godspeed to you, Debralee.

Most of us are not cut out to be professional caregivers. For those of you stuck in this spot, please make certain that you don't do this to your own children. Make your end of life plans and move when before it is time.

We are 60 and both of our mother's just had to go to rehab centers. The financial parts are enough to make you hit your head against a wall. I am determined not to lay this burden on my children.

Good luck to you. I couldn't have made my Mother do anything, until it was medically necessary. (We are 1500 miles apart.)

My life has changed drastically and not for good. I had promised my Mom that we would never put her in a nursing home and here we are with no life. I am so tired. i am disable too, so is my husband. We re in our 60s Mom is 88 and swears we have used up her money NOT TRUE. She does contribute to the new house and feels it is way too much. I have shown her that the newexpenses of this large house are much more than a condo, and she occupys 2 bedrooms of our four, leaving us without a guest room, She insisted on her own sitting room. She is always bitter and has mood swings. It takes me back to my childhood and I don't like it!! I am 62 an don't need this! My sister will not help. Don't feel guity please!!!

Now I feel guilty mom's in a nursing home...I feel like the scum o fte earth!!!Ugh - but I'm an only child & I hate to oadmit this but neither Richard nor I would've had the patience to take care of her - I know, I know, It makes me sound like an ungrateful $itch since my parents sacrificed a LOT to give me a wonderful life & now look where mom is! Parents were married 10 yrs before they had me AND mom had a miscarriage (didn't know she was pregnant!)RIGHT before I was conceived. AFter the miscarriage of a boy (!)she told my dad "I want a kid" so she basically lied to me - she told me "I wanted one before I got too old." I don't know anymore...

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY MUCH BUT THERE HAS BEEN SEVERAL TIMES I THOUGHT OF PUTTING A BULLET IN MY HEAD. MY HUSBAND AND I MOVED IN WITH MOM TO KEEP HER OUT OF A NURSING HOME BECAUSE I FELT SHE SHOULD BE HOME ENJOYING HER OWN HOUSE. WELL, IT'S GOING ON 4 YEARS AND THINGS HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE BETTER. I HATE TO SAY IT BUT I HAD TO GET ANGRY ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS WITH HER BEFORE SHE REALIZED, SHE WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY...ALL IN MY BUSINESS, CAN'T SLEEP WHEN I NEED AND WANT TO. ONE SISTER LIVES RIGHT NEXT DOOR, BUT SHE'S TOO BUSY CLUBBING, PARTYING OR SOME KIND OF EXCUSE. IT'S LIKE ASKING FOR BLOOD TO ASK HER TO CUT MOM'S NAILS, TOENAILS OR WASH HER HAIR. I HAVE JUST SIMPLY GIVEN UP ON THE IDEA THAT MY SISTER WILL EVER HELP ME!

Caring for a child is not the same as caring for a parent who has dementia and will only go backward, not forward. I did not choose to have a child so that one day my child would be my caretaker. We should not have to owe someone simply because they gave birth to us. If my mom were in her right mind, she would not want this for me as I would never wish this misery for my child. Life is simply too short and caring for an older, sick, or mentally challenged person is a very long, sad, guilt ridden road.

Caring for a child is not the same as caring for a parent who has dementia and will only go backward, not forward. I did not choose to have a child so that one day my child would be my caretaker. We should not have to owe someone simply because they gave birth to us. If my mom were in her right mind, she would not want this for me as I would never wish this misery for my child. Life is simply too short and caring for an older, sick, or mentally challenged person is a very long, sad, guilt ridden road.

tell somebody, like family, you feel this way. its ok to feel like you want your life now, and you sure cant begin as caregivier feeling this way. check into adult day cares, nurses, and maybe even a nursing home if no other family. if your kind of resenting her already, your not the gal to be caring for her. and dont get me wrong, its ok to want your life, your freedom, but do the right thing by her, find her the care she needs.