I don’t want to be mom’s caregiver. Why do I feel this way?

Thanks for the heads up on seraquel. I agree with you--she needs to be elsewhere.

Good move, Fedupnow. Hope you get some peace. Seroquel is a terrible drug. It made my mother crazier. I don't see a solution except to extricate yourself and force your husband to put her somewhere. I am so sorry for you, for all caregivers subjected to this long drawn out insanity.

FedUpNow, try contacting an elder law attorney. You need help Yesterday from what I can see - I feel your pain, I really do - keep us posted!!!

baBalou, Are you kidding me????? What kind of life is this for the patient?????????
She gets all her food cooked exactly the way she wants it, her bedding is changed daily, she is bathed, her diapers are changed daily, she has no financial worries. She won't go anywhere or do anything but sit on the couch and then complain she is bored. She wants to sleep all day and be up all night. And when she doesn't get her way, she hits, kicks, now even the cat when he wants to leave her petting. Where is YOUR thinking going on this????? I, the CAREGIVER, am the one being hit, abused, up all night. What kind of life is this for me???????? To answer your question, social workers have said that if I call the police to report her violence, they will do nothing about removing her from the house because of her age. I hope YOU get to care for someone like this. Then maybe you will have a clue.

Told by whom? What kind of quality of life is this for the patient? Find a mediator, a judge, someone who can help out of this labyrinth

Told by whom?

What I have been told is that if I call the police on my 97 year-old mother-in-law, they will not want to take her into the station and then placement. So, they just won't show up or if they do, they will suggest we stay apart. Since my husband won't commit her, I am stuck leaving my own home. Catch-22.

Fedupnow, that's horrific! What would happen if a person called the police on an elderly person for attacking them like that? Would that just say oh it's just dementia and leave? I'm so very glad you are safe with your cats in your studio!

Wow! The "criminals" always have more rights than the victims...so sorry. I have an acquaintance that went through something similar with his wife. Lots of meds helped, but it may be time for a facility where they are better equipped to handle this behavior. I will pray for you, FedUpNow. Stay strong!

For all who care: both cats and I moved to the art studio last night. We spent a quiet time cuddling in the bed there and I will not be moving back into the main house. This was the final straw. What my husband does when his mother falls down will have to be to call 911 because I won't do anything anymore. The studio has a beautiful view of the sunsets over the pond. The kitties have explored there several times so it is not new to them. It had been used for storage recently but after an hour or two is heated, liveable and peaceful.

Dear Scared, Socko has already turned her rage on me. On her 96th birthday she blindsided me with her walker and then kept hitting me with it. I hit the hardwood floor, split my bottom lip through with my teeth and had 13 huge bruises on my back from the walker wheels, not to mention blowing out my right knee. I reported her to her doctor who put her on Seraquel. I believe that dosage needs to be increased now. If it were up to me, she would never have been allowed in here but my husband is her only son and he never listened to me. Did you know that it is elder abuse if you hit them back but if they knock the shit out of you, there are no laws protecting the caregiver from assault by the elder person in their care. Don't hit back no matter what. Take pictures and document your injuries for their doctors because they will turn around and accuse you of hitting them. Social services are all aware of this situation but nobody does anything except to recommend staying out of her reach.

Please get that poor, defenseless animal out of there immediately. There are no-kill shelters to protect this poor creature. I'm sure your Mom didn't do this intentionally, but there is no reason this poor cat must suffer because of your Mom's illness. Also, talk the doctor TODAY about this behavior. There are ways to control this. don't delay before she turns on YOU!

ABSOLUTELY! Neither of my beautiful cats from rescue are going to leave this home. Hubby saw this, too. I assure you it is not going to happen again. The cats and I moved to my art studio (a totally separate building) now with my bed. I work in pet rescue. If not for Katie and Bailey and my fish tank and plants, I would have lost my mind a long time ago. I am in total agreement with Debralee. Plus, our time with our pets is way too short as it is.

I would get rid of Socko the Wonder Clown before I would give up the cat. I abhor animal abusers, I don't care who they are. My pets will always come before my mother. They never used or abused me and give me unconditional love. My pets don't complain or demand explanations. My pets are always there for me when I am feeling down offering comforting purrs or whining/barking understandings. My pets don't judge me nor indifferent to my needs. My pets make it easy to love them. Too bad my mother could not possess some of my pets qualities.

You won't be a heartless monster if you step away from the drama. Let somebody else deal with her after all she's somebody elses mama

She's mean. Did Hubby see that? what he think?

I know the human drama is bigger here, but please protect the cat or find another home for it. At nine years the cat is almost elderly itself and deserves some peace - a rescue group in your area would probably be moved to take her in if you shared the circumstances.

It has been a horror story since 1997 and its getting worse.

Sounds like a horror movie:( poor cat. You are being abused by proxy. I'd put a bunch of loose catnip in your mil's bed and lock her door from the outside. Not that you need any good ideas:) xo

Socko the Wonder Clown (aka my Mother-in-law) was caught slapping and punching the cat tonight while we were watching TV. Prior to that, she reserved all her violence for me. The cat has been scratching me the past three weeks (after living here 9 years) so I am wondering if we just finally caught her doing this. Too bad she hasn't yet dropped dead.

FedUpNow - I agree 100%! Although mom's in a n.h. do you think a day EVER goes by tha I don't think about her - NO!!!you MUST live your life NOW - future isn't guaranteed - in fact, we're going to Orlando Disney Fri & Sat for Richard's niece's wedding I won't tell mom that - I'll just tell her we'll see her Sunday instead of Sat so she doesn't get all upset.

Thank you Castymiss for your confirmation of my experience. It is hard. I am always trying to think of a better way to live for both of us. I've thought of hiring a live-in caregiver or living somewhere else and just taking care of mom's needs from outside. I still have not let that one go. I, like you, hide in my room all day. My room is like my only refuge. I would like to have a life like my siblings do--living and working and just loving mom from the outside. Then maybe I can also have good feelings about my mom instead of ugly ones. I will keep trying to work out something.

Dear Rhonda60, I totally disagree with you that afterward we have a life. I have put in 17 years of taking care of an elderly selfish hateful person and there is NO end in sight--except to me. I am failing fast. And I urge any of you in this same sinking boat to live your lives now. There is no guarantee of tomorrow for any of us. What you put up with now will only hurt YOU, the caregiver.

Our elderly are babyish and needy. We can't throw them out with the bath water and oftentimes we cant enlist help form others. We have to detach and do our task mechanically and lovingly. Have the patient of Job. When the job is done we have out time to ourselves. Afterall, we don't have to be on stage all the time just have to be ready to go on that's not too hard difficult but not impossible

Daughter52. I hear you loud and clear. I always had a great relationship with my mother. Until I moved into her home 2 years ago to help her out. I rented out my own home and am with her now. She argues about everything and anything. She always is screaming how I hate her and why I am so mean. She wants to wear her PJ's with stool in them from the accident she had with diapers on. I tell her the PJ's are soiled and I will get her a new pair. She says I am lying. I am to the point of not even wanting to talk to her. I hide in my room. She then comes into my room with her walker yelling how I won't talk to her anymore. It just does not end. She is fighting from the time she gets up in the morning until she goes to sleep at night. Horrible situation and the GREAT relationship I had with my mother is gone. I do understand this is NOT my mother and that she left....in a sense many months ago. Dementia stole her. I can only keep her safe and try to do the best I can. I am so thankful my mother has the funds for the round the clock care I JUST got. I am an RN and got some of the Aids I work with in the hospital so I know and trust them. I feel so sorry for the ones without funds to get the help they so badly need. My mom never wanted to go to a nursing home...so she will remain at home and die here. If she had not saved her money all her life....I do not know where she might be. I might have to work ever shifts to pay for it. SO difficult taking care of an older parent. I raised 4 kids and taking care of my mother is so much harder.

Wow - daughter52 - that describes my mom to a T - as you saw by my story! My mom didn't get that far (going potty in a bucket)but it probably would've ended up that way. Ok, now for the Medicaid diversion plan - "money problem" seek out an elder-care attorney - he/she can help you w/the money problem - we have mom on Medicaid diversion & she's still getting good care. And of course Ill complain about the home - nobody "wants" their loved ones ina "home" but I see now we couldn't take care of her ourselves - there's just no way - & she'll get MORE stubborn as she gets older - But look into the
Medicaid diversion prgram - they divert money & transfer assets so the person qualifies for Medicaid. That's what we did with a wonderful, wonderful woman - her name is Maureen & she's been a Godsend. Oh, & BTW, there are no "right" or "wrong" feelings here - it is what it is & everyone's feelings, even the so-called "ugly" ones, need to be expressed. Feelings are feelings.

In reading everyone's horror stories, I know that I am not alone. Living with my mother (because it ended up me being the one), who has moderate vascular dementia is my own horror. She exhibits many of the same behaviors I read about here like arguing with me about bathing, sleeping in and wearing the same clothes for more than a day, eating poorly, going potty in a bucket when she doesn't want to get up and go to the toilet. It's very frustrating and we are at each other alot. I threaten that I will hire a nurse if she doesn't start taking showers and she gets angry with me. Part of me wants to see her stay in her own home for as long as she can. She can't afford the assisted living facilities in the area. But sometimes (even though I hate to admit it) I almost wish she were in other care so I could enjoy being around my mother again. She is definitely not a person I enjoy being around anymore. For so long, I disliked myself for the way I was feeling. But recently, one of my siblings came to stay for a month and got to see first hand what she was like and came to feel the same things I was. Not that it was right, just that finally someone else got to see. Sometimes I hate getting up in the morning.

My mom had the medic alert necklace too - after Daddy died - we tried to keep mom her her own home as long as possible - BUT every time I asked her if she wanted Meals on Wheels - a big fat NO!!!She stopped bathing & would rebuff every attempt I made to help her with that - she got angry & stubborn - plus she was 91 & I was both extremely frustrated & very worried about her! She stayed in her own home until July 2011 (1 1/2 yrs)when she got extremely dehydrated & would've died had we not returned to the house Saturday morning - & of course she wanted to return to her own home BUT she was very confused & disoriented due to a UTI - she entered the n.h. 3 days after hospital then sometime before the end of 2011 she declared "either I stay here or go home"they suggested an ALF - she said NO so I literally ran to the social worker & told him what mom wanted & he said ok - the whole family knows she couldn't live alone! We found soiled underwear (when she had diarrhea)in the washer - she kept forgetting to actually turn on the washer...so do you see WHY I had to convince her to stay in the nursing home - I hope everyone understands because I'm FINALLY coming to terms w/my decision. Now I see her twice a week knowing she's being taken care of - the care we couldn't give her...

Debbi1...My mother has the medic alert necklace. Not the bracelet. If one has a stroke on say the right side...and is wearing the bracelet on the right wrist..she will NOT be able to push the button since her left side will be affected. Hence why some companies no longer give out the bracelet. Never had it tangle around her neck. I won't put my mother in a nursing home. If she had to live 20 more years in a nursing home that really is NOT living. She has plenty of funds to pay for round the clock nursing care and that is what I just did. Hired Round the clock care for her. I am now taking care of myself and with the nursing care at home not being done by myself I can enjoy my mom much more. She no longer is fighting and arguing with me. She has the caretaker and surprisingly never argues with her. Life is much better. I still will NOT send my mother to a hospital as she wishes to die at home and NOT in a hospital setting is her exact words. She is also on Hospice and everything is in place for her to peacefully go at home surrounded by her family and her two dogs...

I think that there are more people that won't help, than there are that will. My husband is doing it all for his Mother, while she is in assisted living. They are at her trailer going through her knick knacks, right now. It is a full-time job, even with her in AL. We are both 59, and work full time. I would have never dreamed that being POA was this much work and this started in Dec. I wouldn't look forward to doing it, again.