Caregiver put me in the hot seat...Should I fire her?

Also, you shouldn't dock her pay unless you were clear and gave her specific instructions not to take him shopping. If you did not...your fault own it.

You should give her clear instructions that he is not to go shopping. Remember you couldn't stand up to him regarding his money so how did you expect her too. He probably did the same thing..threw a fit in the middle of the store and she didn't have a clue how to handle it. She needs to just tell him she has been instructed she cannot take him shopping and to take it up with you. Its up to you to fight that fight, not the caregiver. You need to have a sit down and request he allow you to add you name at the bank so he doesn't need to go with you. Sit down and plan a budget and agree to a weekly allowance with him so he doesn't feel like he's being treated like a child.

I totally do agreed with everyone posted here, Ladee and I are both paid caregivers. tinyblu thinks paid's CG knew that all client problems could cure by CG. It's so wrong!
I actually quit last job whom I was caring for 3 years. She had Stroke, diabetic, alcoholic and had many problems. My C was access to her bank(ATM) But her daughter couldn't take away her card... because her guilt... Daughter asked me to take her bank(ATM) for once a month, that time she could withdraw $400 most.
I was wondering what she is going to do with it? Her D thought that my C is giving to me!!!! No she is giving to her grand-kids and she told her D "I don't know"..... well C knew exactly what she was doing and she winked at me and smile!
D didn't believe her mom at all...too bad!
D was alike tinyblu, they couldn't handle their problems but we are the CG got blamed, so time to hit the road. when you wants hire CG, please find good experienced CG, we are not cheep!!
My case I do miss my C

Horselady makes a good point. If you dock her pay, perhaps she'll file a complaint with the labor board against you. I would.

You are not allowed to dock someone's paycheck because of a mistake they made. Anyway, I agree that she probably did the best she could under the circumstances.

Why is your father still at home? Why does your father have access to money? Because, Tiny, you are still trying to get him to love you.

Your father is and always has been mentally unstable, from your description. He needs to be in a facility with staff who understand his condition.

Tinyblu, I did want to mention that she read and signed a detailed handbook,to call you to ok any purchase over $50, ok, she should have followed thru with that... but your comment about her being 'cheap and daddy likes her', well sweetie, ya get what ya pay for..... sorry....

I am a paid caregiver, if you even implied I was at fault for taking my client to buy something he wanted, you wouldn't have to fire me, I'd QUIT..... and taking the money from her is absolutely ridiculous... I am not attacking you.... I am telling you from the paid caregivers point of view, that sometimes we are pulled in so many directions, that we will take the line of least resistance, as long as no harm comes to our client.... I am sorry you are so angry and hurt at him, and so resentful of being there... I do understand... but at some point, even a tiny baby step, you have to look at yourself... I hope you get some help... so sad to think that someone who has tried so hard all their life , ended up not even having a life because she was seeking approval she will never get..... hope things get better for you... but firing the caregiver is NOT going to fix your problems....

Tinyblu, why are you here, on this forum? It is clearly not to get advice that you intend to follow up on, or you would not be posting the same kind of issues over and over.

So perhaps you are here just to vent and get sympathy.

Oh. Poor Tinyblu. She is from such a dysfunctional situation. And there is nothing she can/wants to do about. That is sad.

There, there, Tinyblu, it will be OK someday. Meanwhile vent away.

Tinyblu, I imagine your Dad being sweet and charming whenever he wants someone to do something for him.... but if that person say no, there is wrath to pay. And even more so if there is an audience around him, like at the bank. Am I close to his personality?

Oh gosh, that is a tough one on what to do. Your profile mentions that your Dad has lung disease so that much be uncomfortable for him. And now dementia is on his resume. We all know one cannot reason with someone who has dementia.... just distract the person.

Whatever you do, please do not blame the Caregiver, sounds like your Dad charmed his way into having her drive him to the clothing store. If you do blame her, you will find yourself taking her shift, and you probably don't want that to happen. This is probably also a learning curve for her, too.

From another of your posts:

"I just want to live up to everyone's expectations and feel like throwing him away would be the ultimate let down for everyone. I was taught "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION"

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-not-for-me-186219.htm?cpage=2

From your last post:

"I've done all I can to be the PERFECT little girl so it stinks to hear him brag about someone else when I try EVERYTHING (Adult Day Care, Independent Living and In Home Care simultaneously) to keep him happy"

"who hoo another failure to add to the pile"

I think you need to make a decision whether you're going to address your own psychological issues or continue to accept your father's behavior and blame the situation on him and/or the caregiver.

The "woo hoo another failure to add to the pile" almost suggests to me that you don't really see the seriousness of these issues.

Have you even considered therapy? If not, it's time for it, and you should do that before you post again or make outrageous suggestions for punishment of a caregiver.

Oh Daddy LOVES the caregiver because she never tells him no. If he doesn't want to eat breakfast, OK.... If he wants to drink coffee all night while he keeps her up all night (against his doctor's regulations) FINE

EVERY week is something else with her which is why I was upset about the shopping trip. I keep her because shes cheap and nice to Daddy.

When dad got sick and had to be rushed to the hospital, she called ME hysterically screaming! He was just vomitting... not even really serious yet. Of course, little Tinyblu put on her cape and had to save the day as always..

As for moxie. I TRIED to give Dad a weekly allowance which resulted in him melting down on me in the middle of the bank in front of a crowd of people. The people at the bank wanted to call the police because they were worried about my safety.

I don't have the receipts for the clothes that I bought him anymore, and she didn't keep the receipt to the suit he should never purchased, and I HAVE told her (even written it in the DETAILED HANDBOOK that she SIGNED) to clear any purchases totaling over $50 with me and to provide receipts from any shopping trips, so maybe that clears up the frustration over the issue.

I guess I just needed to vent because of course I got an earful (again) about the suit, and how WONDERFUL the caregiver is and how he's afraid I'm going to kill him

It's hard to have lost a job, a home and a car for someone who treats you badly no matter how much you try to PLEASE them. I've done all I can to be the PERFECT little girl so it stinks to hear him brag about someone else when I try EVERYTHING (Adult Day Care, Independent Living and In Home Care simultaneously) to keep him happy...

Maybe it is me... who hoo another failure to add to the pile. Thanks for all the HELPFUL answers....goodness....

You have GOT to be kidding me??? Fire the CAREGIVER? Dock her PAY??What? You don't have the moxie to limit dad's money, so you want his caregiver to be a policeman? You are out of line.

This is YOUR problem to deal with, not the caregiver's. Give dad a weekly allowance. When it's spent? It's gone 'til next week. If you don't want the caregiver to take him shopping, make that very clear. If you her to grab his wallet out of his hands when he tries to the money YOU'VE GIVEN HIM, find a martial artist.

No way should you dock her pay, she DID work those hours, and if you are going force her to quit you may as well have just fired her in the first place.
Have you explicitly told her not to take him shopping? Have you told her, one on one, that the money beings spent foolishly means you will both have to do without? I think with some people you have to lay out, step by step, what is expected of them and emphasize that they are NOT to deviate from the guidelines or they will be terminated. If you have already had this conversation then go ahead and fire her, if not then chock it up to a lesson learned.
(Since you probably have receipts for the clothes YOU bought him perhaps they can be the ones returned)

I would also suggest rereading one of your earlier posts:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-not-for-me-186219.htm as well as the answers to the post referenced in my first response.

There are some issues there that still need to be addressed. If you're still concerned with "failure", recognize that there are psychological issues at play in your relationship with this wife beater, and seek counseling so you can move forward to regain and stabilize your own life.

I just reread some of your other posts and some of the answers, although I couldn't find the one that addresses your father's many wives and violent behavior, but I do recall that post after having read Babalou's reference to it.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-soften-the-transition-to-assisted-living-facility-186487.htm?cpage=0&cm=522016

So I've just deleted my entire answer and rethought your questions.

I adamantly feel that the caregiver is not to blame. Anyone who has multiple wives and is violent is someone could become so again, including with a caregiver. It seems to me the caregiver is right in the line of fire and deserves tolerance and understanding, not punishment.

Have you even discussed this with her? That's the respectful and mature way to approach the issue, not flare up into an outburst.

Do you see the way you're responding? Your father apparently was violent and abusive. Your posts reflect a lot of anger; it's understandable under the situation. Are you handling issues the way you've seen him handle them, i.e., are you subconsciously following learned behavior?

I think it's time to really step back and assess the situation, which obviously needs to be changed as you've tried to do recently with the placement, which as I recall your father didn't like and misbehaved like a child (which is a reflection of how difficult the situation is, not a reflection on you.)

Frankly, if you docked the caregiver's pay for the suit your father bought, I think she'd be within reason to quit, without notice. Do you realize how much you expect of her, and how unreasonable it is? She's putting up with a wife abuser and someone you apparently dislike intensely. Give her credit for even attempting to help YOU in this kind of situation.

Each of the posts you wrote express intense feelings...anger, frustration, more anger and resentment...which I'm sure you know.

I think it's time to focus on the big picture and get this man out of your life one way or another and into an institution with strong controls so you can avoid burnout and eventually end up being violent as he has.

And honestly, even though I would rarely suggest this, maybe it's time to just call APS and let them deal with him while you exit his life and save your sanity.