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So, after my Dad's main caregiver (the one I preferred because she wouldn't fall for his shenanigans), was jailed, I fired her and gave the weekend help all shifts.

Imagine my dismay this morning when Daddy announced that we needed to go to the bank to get more money (we had just withdrawn $200 the yesterday). Apparently, he swindled his (not so bright) caregiver into taking him shopping, and she allowed him to spend his entire wallet stash on a new suit!!!

OK... I've fought (and lost) the battle with my father to carry much money at all. I keep his bank and credit cards at all times. Instead, I opted for a prepaid VISA that we keep $100 on, but after a SCREAMING match in the middle of the bank earlier this year, I let him just keep his $200 weekly cash withdrawal in his wallet (normally hiding $100) so that he feels some sense of control.

The other clincher is... I JUST BOUGHT HIM DRESS CLOTHES!!! Three weeks ago, against my better judgment, I bought him three dress shirts, three pairs of dress slacks, a sport jacket and some new shoes. He even SHOWED the dingy caregiver his new clothes. He didn't NEED anymore dress clothes!

So, of course, my first suggestion was to take the silly suit back, but the receipt is nowhere to be found. They bought it from a store where he NEVER shops, so it's not like a store credit will do any good, and Guess who's the bad guy.... again?

My gut says to fire the silly woman, but I NEED her. I have two jobs right now, and I really don't have time to find someone else until I put him in the Independent Living facility.

I really think I should dock her paycheck. That money was for our normal Sunday morning grocery shopping trip, and some money to keep him occupied while I attempted to take a 3 day vacation...one that I think I should cancel in light of this.

This would have NEVER happened if I was around. Clearly this "caregiver" doesn't understand dementia. All she had to do was change the subject or say NO!!! That's why he likes this caregiver. She ALWAYS gives him his way...

So... fire her? Dock her pay?

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I just reread some of your other posts and some of the answers, although I couldn't find the one that addresses your father's many wives and violent behavior, but I do recall that post after having read Babalou's reference to it.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-soften-the-transition-to-assisted-living-facility-186487.htm?cpage=0&cm=522016

So I've just deleted my entire answer and rethought your questions.

I adamantly feel that the caregiver is not to blame. Anyone who has multiple wives and is violent is someone could become so again, including with a caregiver. It seems to me the caregiver is right in the line of fire and deserves tolerance and understanding, not punishment.

Have you even discussed this with her? That's the respectful and mature way to approach the issue, not flare up into an outburst.

Do you see the way you're responding? Your father apparently was violent and abusive. Your posts reflect a lot of anger; it's understandable under the situation. Are you handling issues the way you've seen him handle them, i.e., are you subconsciously following learned behavior?

I think it's time to really step back and assess the situation, which obviously needs to be changed as you've tried to do recently with the placement, which as I recall your father didn't like and misbehaved like a child (which is a reflection of how difficult the situation is, not a reflection on you.)

Frankly, if you docked the caregiver's pay for the suit your father bought, I think she'd be within reason to quit, without notice. Do you realize how much you expect of her, and how unreasonable it is? She's putting up with a wife abuser and someone you apparently dislike intensely. Give her credit for even attempting to help YOU in this kind of situation.

Each of the posts you wrote express intense feelings...anger, frustration, more anger and resentment...which I'm sure you know.

I think it's time to focus on the big picture and get this man out of your life one way or another and into an institution with strong controls so you can avoid burnout and eventually end up being violent as he has.

And honestly, even though I would rarely suggest this, maybe it's time to just call APS and let them deal with him while you exit his life and save your sanity.
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I would also suggest rereading one of your earlier posts:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-not-for-me-186219.htm as well as the answers to the post referenced in my first response.

There are some issues there that still need to be addressed. If you're still concerned with "failure", recognize that there are psychological issues at play in your relationship with this wife beater, and seek counseling so you can move forward to regain and stabilize your own life.
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No way should you dock her pay, she DID work those hours, and if you are going force her to quit you may as well have just fired her in the first place.
Have you explicitly told her not to take him shopping? Have you told her, one on one, that the money beings spent foolishly means you will both have to do without? I think with some people you have to lay out, step by step, what is expected of them and emphasize that they are NOT to deviate from the guidelines or they will be terminated. If you have already had this conversation then go ahead and fire her, if not then chock it up to a lesson learned.
(Since you probably have receipts for the clothes YOU bought him perhaps they can be the ones returned)
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You have GOT to be kidding me??? Fire the CAREGIVER? Dock her PAY??What? You don't have the moxie to limit dad's money, so you want his caregiver to be a policeman? You are out of line.

This is YOUR problem to deal with, not the caregiver's. Give dad a weekly allowance. When it's spent? It's gone 'til next week. If you don't want the caregiver to take him shopping, make that very clear. If you her to grab his wallet out of his hands when he tries to the money YOU'VE GIVEN HIM, find a martial artist.
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Oh Daddy LOVES the caregiver because she never tells him no. If he doesn't want to eat breakfast, OK.... If he wants to drink coffee all night while he keeps her up all night (against his doctor's regulations) FINE

EVERY week is something else with her which is why I was upset about the shopping trip. I keep her because shes cheap and nice to Daddy.

When dad got sick and had to be rushed to the hospital, she called ME hysterically screaming! He was just vomitting... not even really serious yet. Of course, little Tinyblu put on her cape and had to save the day as always..

As for moxie. I TRIED to give Dad a weekly allowance which resulted in him melting down on me in the middle of the bank in front of a crowd of people. The people at the bank wanted to call the police because they were worried about my safety.

I don't have the receipts for the clothes that I bought him anymore, and she didn't keep the receipt to the suit he should never purchased, and I HAVE told her (even written it in the DETAILED HANDBOOK that she SIGNED) to clear any purchases totaling over $50 with me and to provide receipts from any shopping trips, so maybe that clears up the frustration over the issue.

I guess I just needed to vent because of course I got an earful (again) about the suit, and how WONDERFUL the caregiver is and how he's afraid I'm going to kill him

It's hard to have lost a job, a home and a car for someone who treats you badly no matter how much you try to PLEASE them. I've done all I can to be the PERFECT little girl so it stinks to hear him brag about someone else when I try EVERYTHING (Adult Day Care, Independent Living and In Home Care simultaneously) to keep him happy...

Maybe it is me... who hoo another failure to add to the pile. Thanks for all the HELPFUL answers....goodness....
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From another of your posts:

"I just want to live up to everyone's expectations and feel like throwing him away would be the ultimate let down for everyone. I was taught "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION"

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-not-for-me-186219.htm?cpage=2

From your last post:

"I've done all I can to be the PERFECT little girl so it stinks to hear him brag about someone else when I try EVERYTHING (Adult Day Care, Independent Living and In Home Care simultaneously) to keep him happy"

"who hoo another failure to add to the pile"

I think you need to make a decision whether you're going to address your own psychological issues or continue to accept your father's behavior and blame the situation on him and/or the caregiver.

The "woo hoo another failure to add to the pile" almost suggests to me that you don't really see the seriousness of these issues.

Have you even considered therapy? If not, it's time for it, and you should do that before you post again or make outrageous suggestions for punishment of a caregiver.
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Tinyblu, I imagine your Dad being sweet and charming whenever he wants someone to do something for him.... but if that person say no, there is wrath to pay. And even more so if there is an audience around him, like at the bank. Am I close to his personality?

Oh gosh, that is a tough one on what to do. Your profile mentions that your Dad has lung disease so that much be uncomfortable for him. And now dementia is on his resume. We all know one cannot reason with someone who has dementia.... just distract the person.

Whatever you do, please do not blame the Caregiver, sounds like your Dad charmed his way into having her drive him to the clothing store. If you do blame her, you will find yourself taking her shift, and you probably don't want that to happen. This is probably also a learning curve for her, too.
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Tinyblu, why are you here, on this forum? It is clearly not to get advice that you intend to follow up on, or you would not be posting the same kind of issues over and over.

So perhaps you are here just to vent and get sympathy.

Oh. Poor Tinyblu. She is from such a dysfunctional situation. And there is nothing she can/wants to do about. That is sad.

There, there, Tinyblu, it will be OK someday. Meanwhile vent away.
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I am a paid caregiver, if you even implied I was at fault for taking my client to buy something he wanted, you wouldn't have to fire me, I'd QUIT..... and taking the money from her is absolutely ridiculous... I am not attacking you.... I am telling you from the paid caregivers point of view, that sometimes we are pulled in so many directions, that we will take the line of least resistance, as long as no harm comes to our client.... I am sorry you are so angry and hurt at him, and so resentful of being there... I do understand... but at some point, even a tiny baby step, you have to look at yourself... I hope you get some help... so sad to think that someone who has tried so hard all their life , ended up not even having a life because she was seeking approval she will never get..... hope things get better for you... but firing the caregiver is NOT going to fix your problems....
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Tinyblu, I did want to mention that she read and signed a detailed handbook,to call you to ok any purchase over $50, ok, she should have followed thru with that... but your comment about her being 'cheap and daddy likes her', well sweetie, ya get what ya pay for..... sorry....
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Why is your father still at home? Why does your father have access to money? Because, Tiny, you are still trying to get him to love you.

Your father is and always has been mentally unstable, from your description. He needs to be in a facility with staff who understand his condition.
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You are not allowed to dock someone's paycheck because of a mistake they made. Anyway, I agree that she probably did the best she could under the circumstances.
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Horselady makes a good point. If you dock her pay, perhaps she'll file a complaint with the labor board against you. I would.
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I totally do agreed with everyone posted here, Ladee and I are both paid caregivers. tinyblu thinks paid's CG knew that all client problems could cure by CG. It's so wrong!
I actually quit last job whom I was caring for 3 years. She had Stroke, diabetic, alcoholic and had many problems. My C was access to her bank(ATM) But her daughter couldn't take away her card... because her guilt... Daughter asked me to take her bank(ATM) for once a month, that time she could withdraw $400 most.
I was wondering what she is going to do with it? Her D thought that my C is giving to me!!!! No she is giving to her grand-kids and she told her D "I don't know"..... well C knew exactly what she was doing and she winked at me and smile!
D didn't believe her mom at all...too bad!
D was alike tinyblu, they couldn't handle their problems but we are the CG got blamed, so time to hit the road. when you wants hire CG, please find good experienced CG, we are not cheep!!
My case I do miss my C
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You should give her clear instructions that he is not to go shopping. Remember you couldn't stand up to him regarding his money so how did you expect her too. He probably did the same thing..threw a fit in the middle of the store and she didn't have a clue how to handle it. She needs to just tell him she has been instructed she cannot take him shopping and to take it up with you. Its up to you to fight that fight, not the caregiver. You need to have a sit down and request he allow you to add you name at the bank so he doesn't need to go with you. Sit down and plan a budget and agree to a weekly allowance with him so he doesn't feel like he's being treated like a child.
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Also, you shouldn't dock her pay unless you were clear and gave her specific instructions not to take him shopping. If you did not...your fault own it.
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Mahalo nui loa! (Thank you big time!) to all you strong, beautiful and compassionate women for standing up for us caregivers, as well as sharing heartfelt wisdom with tinyble. I was once almost fired for allowing a client couple to 'stay up late' to watch the final playoffs of Atlanta Braves that they had been following all season. My manager set strict rules about them being in bed by 7:00 p.m. and had no tolerance for anyone not playing by her rules. She also came 'unglued' when I called during my shift ask about a change in the hospice clients meds that CG manager had failed to record in the daily notes. Being the eyes and ears for family of loved ones is not an easy task, so all that can be done to assist CG is welcomed and appreciated. I have seem many families have to deal with long buried issues of abuse to their children, so empathize with tinyblu, but do agree that burden of resolving this belongs in therapy for abused. This cannot be cured by demanding that CG follow wishes of tinyblu, so hope that she is able to find help. If not, the issues will follow her way past her father's passing and she deserves to be free of them. As a child who was abused emotionally, I understand the very well and truly appreciate tinyblu's anger. The counseling that helped me understand and forgive my abusers was invaluable. I now know that the abuse was unintentional. Mahalo to tinyblu for venting, but please do take the advice of all who posted answers!
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D...you have to get rid of her!
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To put it bluntly lifeexperiences, you are clueless, dear! Number one rule of perpetuating a dysfunctional family is to blame each other and stay in denial. As a caregiver I know that these issues exist in almost every family and eventually the caregiver is pulled into the drama if she does not establish boundaries. I once worked for someone who had gone through 13 caregivers in less than 8 months. I was hired as a 'live-in' and stayed for 3 months while family found a replacement (not easy) and I found other housing. Compassionate by nature, caregivers tend to put up with more than the small compensation that is offered.
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MauiSkye1...I think you are clueless! The caregiver is there to help the family care for their father ... and I'm sure clear instructions are given! If she caters to the father and not the family member that hired her...she should be FIRED!
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As a caregiver my responsibility is to insure the safety of my client and do all possible to allow the client to live life as they desire, not kowtow or cater to the family. As a caregiver, I spent more time with the client (8 to 24 hours a day) than family members (1 to 2 at most) so felt responsible to share from my 15 years of experience to assist client and family in making best decisions. Since tinyblu has not responded to any of suggestions offered, I think it's time for caregiver to move on and serve where her expertise is welcomed. Do your life experiences include having actually been a caregiver?
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And mahalo to you too, MauiSkye1! Your posts are welcome, well written, insightful and very helpful. I hope you post more often.
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Dear MauiSky1....you could never work for anyone if you don't follow the person who is PAYING you instructions! What the patient wants is NOT always in their or the family's BEST interest!!
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Lifeexperiences . . I have always been hired based on recommendations of those I've worked for. Is there some reason that you choose to not answer the question asked about your own actual caregiving experience?
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I have very little experience with this, but I would definitely not dock the pay of the caregiver for taking your father shopping. In the worst case I would find another caregiver. Also, if it is so impossible for the CG to control the budget, I would have the groceries ordered and delivered. I would have all the essentials for the household (toiletries and so on) ordered and delivered. That way there is no money left for clothes shopping. Simple as that. If he needs clothes and it is in the budget, he should have them. If it is not a necessity and it breaks the budget, why give it to him as discretionary allowance? It is like giving a child money to buy candy instead of getting the essentials necessary for the household.
You most certainly should not penalize the caregiver for failure to manage the household expenses. Just handle the expenses yourself or replace her. Dock her pay? That is ridiculous. It is not as if she has stolen from you. She took your father shopping. At worst she cannot handle the situation and you should simply replace her.
It sounds like you are angry at your Dad and the CG. Perhaps the CG is not competent to handle the situation, which is quite possible. My friend has a mother with dementia. She is a handful and has gone through many caregivers.
I am sure it is a handful to take care of your angry old Dad.
Also, why is CG going to the bank with your Dad?
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I see. You went to the bank with your Dad, gave him the money yourself and blame CG for letting him spend it. Clearly it is not wise to let him have this amount of discretionary income. If you are going on a food shopping trip on Sunday, why give Dad all the money in advance when he could blow it all?
I wish you luck. If the CG is not given an allowance for grocery shopping, why are you so pissed off at her for allowing your Dad to spend all the money?
She sees you go grocery shopping with him. Perhaps she does not comprehend that she is supposed to prevent a man with dementia from blowing the budget on clothes. Why give him the money in the first place? I think you should take your vacation and keep a tighter reign on the purse strings. If the CG cannot handle your fitful Dad, at least there will be money for groceries.
Like I said, it must be next to impossible to handle your angry Dad.
Do not dock her pay. That is wrong. Very wrong.
Good luck Tinyblu!
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Firing a caregiver for dealing with what sounds like a VERY difficult client...I'd think twice. So they bought a new suit? Big deal! The caregiver was probably pulled all over the place trying to care for your dad. We get exhausted trying to meet any and all demands. Dock her pay? You HAVE the thing they bought!! Just TALK to her (she'll probably quit)....one thing I could NOT abide when I was in Elder Care was criticism from the family, when it was not justified. My client would often take money out of the bank (large sums) and give it to the one son who was always struggling. She'd give me a little wink and nod like I was supposed to keep a $1000 w/d secret when her other son had her bank account online and watched it like a hawk. Many times I did have to explain where that $1000 went...and then let the family deal with it. Take a deep breath and think this thru. Sounds like you are lucky anyone will deal with your dad.
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If the money is in his wallet, it is for him to spend. You can't hold the caregiver responsible - consider that when he showed her the new things you had just bought him, it validated his request for shopping for a suit. If she had only seen T-shirts, sweat pants and less than $50.00 in his wallet, she might have called you or questioned it. Professional caregivers come from all walks of life, so I can't judge this person, or you for that matter. I can however say from my experience the biggest job (unpaid and willingly done) I have on top of everything else in my life is to try to forsee potential problems & manage whomever I hire to care for my family member with dementia. That means detailed instructions and a prepaid cell phone handed to the caregiver to specifically call with any and all questions. I usually do most of the work myself, - but when I hire someone I make certain they understand the limits and that I have them there to genuinely like and connect with my parent whether it is an outing or TV at home.
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Fire her!!! Anybody with half a brain does not take an elder shopping and spend that kind of money without at least talking it over with you 1st. You cannot dock her pay. Hire a company like Home Instead until you can find someone cheaper. I put an ad in the local paper and had more than 100 calls, you'd best do it soon or the problems will grow! Follow your gut instinct!
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What? He has multiple wives?That is polygamy! I agree with everyone else that it's not the caregiver's fault. HE spent the $!!!!
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