So, after my Dad's main caregiver (the one I preferred because she wouldn't fall for his shenanigans), was jailed, I fired her and gave the weekend help all shifts.

Imagine my dismay this morning when Daddy announced that we needed to go to the bank to get more money (we had just withdrawn $200 the yesterday). Apparently, he swindled his (not so bright) caregiver into taking him shopping, and she allowed him to spend his entire wallet stash on a new suit!!!

OK... I've fought (and lost) the battle with my father to carry much money at all. I keep his bank and credit cards at all times. Instead, I opted for a prepaid VISA that we keep $100 on, but after a SCREAMING match in the middle of the bank earlier this year, I let him just keep his $200 weekly cash withdrawal in his wallet (normally hiding $100) so that he feels some sense of control.

The other clincher is... I JUST BOUGHT HIM DRESS CLOTHES!!! Three weeks ago, against my better judgment, I bought him three dress shirts, three pairs of dress slacks, a sport jacket and some new shoes. He even SHOWED the dingy caregiver his new clothes. He didn't NEED anymore dress clothes!

So, of course, my first suggestion was to take the silly suit back, but the receipt is nowhere to be found. They bought it from a store where he NEVER shops, so it's not like a store credit will do any good, and Guess who's the bad guy.... again?

My gut says to fire the silly woman, but I NEED her. I have two jobs right now, and I really don't have time to find someone else until I put him in the Independent Living facility.

I really think I should dock her paycheck. That money was for our normal Sunday morning grocery shopping trip, and some money to keep him occupied while I attempted to take a 3 day that I think I should cancel in light of this.

This would have NEVER happened if I was around. Clearly this "caregiver" doesn't understand dementia. All she had to do was change the subject or say NO!!! That's why he likes this caregiver. She ALWAYS gives him his way...

So... fire her? Dock her pay?

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I am a paid caregiver, if you even implied I was at fault for taking my client to buy something he wanted, you wouldn't have to fire me, I'd QUIT..... and taking the money from her is absolutely ridiculous... I am not attacking you.... I am telling you from the paid caregivers point of view, that sometimes we are pulled in so many directions, that we will take the line of least resistance, as long as no harm comes to our client.... I am sorry you are so angry and hurt at him, and so resentful of being there... I do understand... but at some point, even a tiny baby step, you have to look at yourself... I hope you get some help... so sad to think that someone who has tried so hard all their life , ended up not even having a life because she was seeking approval she will never get..... hope things get better for you... but firing the caregiver is NOT going to fix your problems....
Helpful Answer (14)

I just reread some of your other posts and some of the answers, although I couldn't find the one that addresses your father's many wives and violent behavior, but I do recall that post after having read Babalou's reference to it.

So I've just deleted my entire answer and rethought your questions.

I adamantly feel that the caregiver is not to blame. Anyone who has multiple wives and is violent is someone could become so again, including with a caregiver. It seems to me the caregiver is right in the line of fire and deserves tolerance and understanding, not punishment.

Have you even discussed this with her? That's the respectful and mature way to approach the issue, not flare up into an outburst.

Do you see the way you're responding? Your father apparently was violent and abusive. Your posts reflect a lot of anger; it's understandable under the situation. Are you handling issues the way you've seen him handle them, i.e., are you subconsciously following learned behavior?

I think it's time to really step back and assess the situation, which obviously needs to be changed as you've tried to do recently with the placement, which as I recall your father didn't like and misbehaved like a child (which is a reflection of how difficult the situation is, not a reflection on you.)

Frankly, if you docked the caregiver's pay for the suit your father bought, I think she'd be within reason to quit, without notice. Do you realize how much you expect of her, and how unreasonable it is? She's putting up with a wife abuser and someone you apparently dislike intensely. Give her credit for even attempting to help YOU in this kind of situation.

Each of the posts you wrote express intense feelings...anger, frustration, more anger and resentment...which I'm sure you know.

I think it's time to focus on the big picture and get this man out of your life one way or another and into an institution with strong controls so you can avoid burnout and eventually end up being violent as he has.

And honestly, even though I would rarely suggest this, maybe it's time to just call APS and let them deal with him while you exit his life and save your sanity.
Helpful Answer (10)

Why is your father still at home? Why does your father have access to money? Because, Tiny, you are still trying to get him to love you.

Your father is and always has been mentally unstable, from your description. He needs to be in a facility with staff who understand his condition.
Helpful Answer (9)

Tinyblu, why are you here, on this forum? It is clearly not to get advice that you intend to follow up on, or you would not be posting the same kind of issues over and over.

So perhaps you are here just to vent and get sympathy.

Oh. Poor Tinyblu. She is from such a dysfunctional situation. And there is nothing she can/wants to do about. That is sad.

There, there, Tinyblu, it will be OK someday. Meanwhile vent away.
Helpful Answer (8)

You have GOT to be kidding me??? Fire the CAREGIVER? Dock her PAY??What? You don't have the moxie to limit dad's money, so you want his caregiver to be a policeman? You are out of line.

This is YOUR problem to deal with, not the caregiver's. Give dad a weekly allowance. When it's spent? It's gone 'til next week. If you don't want the caregiver to take him shopping, make that very clear. If you her to grab his wallet out of his hands when he tries to the money YOU'VE GIVEN HIM, find a martial artist.
Helpful Answer (7)

You are not allowed to dock someone's paycheck because of a mistake they made. Anyway, I agree that she probably did the best she could under the circumstances.
Helpful Answer (6)

No way should you dock her pay, she DID work those hours, and if you are going force her to quit you may as well have just fired her in the first place.
Have you explicitly told her not to take him shopping? Have you told her, one on one, that the money beings spent foolishly means you will both have to do without? I think with some people you have to lay out, step by step, what is expected of them and emphasize that they are NOT to deviate from the guidelines or they will be terminated. If you have already had this conversation then go ahead and fire her, if not then chock it up to a lesson learned.
(Since you probably have receipts for the clothes YOU bought him perhaps they can be the ones returned)
Helpful Answer (5)

I totally do agreed with everyone posted here, Ladee and I are both paid caregivers. tinyblu thinks paid's CG knew that all client problems could cure by CG. It's so wrong!
I actually quit last job whom I was caring for 3 years. She had Stroke, diabetic, alcoholic and had many problems. My C was access to her bank(ATM) But her daughter couldn't take away her card... because her guilt... Daughter asked me to take her bank(ATM) for once a month, that time she could withdraw $400 most.
I was wondering what she is going to do with it? Her D thought that my C is giving to me!!!! No she is giving to her grand-kids and she told her D "I don't know"..... well C knew exactly what she was doing and she winked at me and smile!
D didn't believe her mom at all...too bad!
D was alike tinyblu, they couldn't handle their problems but we are the CG got blamed, so time to hit the road. when you wants hire CG, please find good experienced CG, we are not cheep!!
My case I do miss my C
Helpful Answer (5)

Mahalo nui loa! (Thank you big time!) to all you strong, beautiful and compassionate women for standing up for us caregivers, as well as sharing heartfelt wisdom with tinyble. I was once almost fired for allowing a client couple to 'stay up late' to watch the final playoffs of Atlanta Braves that they had been following all season. My manager set strict rules about them being in bed by 7:00 p.m. and had no tolerance for anyone not playing by her rules. She also came 'unglued' when I called during my shift ask about a change in the hospice clients meds that CG manager had failed to record in the daily notes. Being the eyes and ears for family of loved ones is not an easy task, so all that can be done to assist CG is welcomed and appreciated. I have seem many families have to deal with long buried issues of abuse to their children, so empathize with tinyblu, but do agree that burden of resolving this belongs in therapy for abused. This cannot be cured by demanding that CG follow wishes of tinyblu, so hope that she is able to find help. If not, the issues will follow her way past her father's passing and she deserves to be free of them. As a child who was abused emotionally, I understand the very well and truly appreciate tinyblu's anger. The counseling that helped me understand and forgive my abusers was invaluable. I now know that the abuse was unintentional. Mahalo to tinyblu for venting, but please do take the advice of all who posted answers!
Helpful Answer (5)

Firing a caregiver for dealing with what sounds like a VERY difficult client...I'd think twice. So they bought a new suit? Big deal! The caregiver was probably pulled all over the place trying to care for your dad. We get exhausted trying to meet any and all demands. Dock her pay? You HAVE the thing they bought!! Just TALK to her (she'll probably quit) thing I could NOT abide when I was in Elder Care was criticism from the family, when it was not justified. My client would often take money out of the bank (large sums) and give it to the one son who was always struggling. She'd give me a little wink and nod like I was supposed to keep a $1000 w/d secret when her other son had her bank account online and watched it like a hawk. Many times I did have to explain where that $1000 went...and then let the family deal with it. Take a deep breath and think this thru. Sounds like you are lucky anyone will deal with your dad.
Helpful Answer (5)

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