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Second post. As I wrote before my husband has dementia. Our beloved son 56 did not wake up last monday. We will not be telling my husband. Calls have to be made, a funeral has to planned and this is hard to do with husband in the next room. He keeps asking me if I'm all right and I say I don't feel well and didn't sleep, which is certainly true. My other son and i keep making excuses for leaving the house to plan. People keep calling and I have to keep going outside to make calls, etc. I will have to put my husband in a respite when the funeral approaches which he doesn't need yet and this will have to be lied about. Greg is being cremated which was his wish. He believed in a higher power but was not a church goer. We are planning a memorial service. Greg was outgoing, funny and loved people, and everybody loved him. A very large birthday party of his friends was planned for this weekend and they are making it also into a memorial for him. We are tentatively planning a memorial in ou town the following weekend, but the logistics overwhelm me. He lived 6 hours away and his friend memorial is 65 miles from us. Any thoughts are welcome.

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I should have written when you first asked about telling your husband. I would tell him if only to have things make sense. You need to be able to grieve, which you cannot do if you are hiding the truth. I am so sad for you. Sometimes one person is given too much to bear. I don't know if you will be able to keep hiding this, and if it would make it harder on you. You are all important.
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Oh, dear, I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard when a parent dies, but that is the normal progression of life. You don't expect a child to die before you do. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and that you cannot share the grief with your husband. If you need to, tell your husband, especially if he goes into respite. It might help him to settle. You didn't say how bad his dementia is, so he may not remember. I wouldn't repeat it every day to have him mourn forever, just maybe to explain things for the moment. Only you know what is best in your situation.

Through this whole ordeal, you must remember to take care of yourself. Please try to get some rest whenever possible....maybe a little longer respite??? Don't forget to eat. Seek out the help any friends, family or neighbors may offer. You are in my prayers.
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Your post made me cry. I only THOUGHT I have it rough, but when I considered the dilemma you are facing, I realize my burden is so light. I wish I had concrete, helpful advice to offer, but I can only tell you that you are in my prayers and I believe God will guide you and strengthen you to get through this. Lean on your friends and family and when you just can't handle it - give it to God. Give it to your other child(ren). Take time to care for yourself and I know you will get by. Nothing I can say will help...I know that...but truly, you are an amazing wife and mother.
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I am so sorry for your loss and the additional hardships with your husband. Like the others have said, do the best you can to take care of yourself. Please let your other son take the lead in the planning if that's possible, so that you can just show up and be present. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Some folks are just given so much to bear...
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I am so sorry for your loss and so grateful you reached out. It's never easy to know what to do but I've been involved with a similar situation and we decided to tell the woman, with moderate frontal lobe dementia, that her husband died suddenly of a heart attack. It was the right decision for her as she was able to grieve but in a little different way. She did attend the funeral but couldn't remember who died. It was one of the most powerful moments I've ever experienced (powerful in a good way).

I suggest you contact your local Alzheimer's Association and ask for support and advice. Even if your husband doesn't have Alzheimer's specifically they should be able to help you. I wish I could reach through this computer and help you in some way. My heart goes out to you...
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I am rethinking my advice from your 1st post. I wasn't thinking of the logistics with a funeral/memorial etc. Maybe you should tell him and let him be a part of the process. Let yourselves grieve together now......but when he forgets....and he will....don't remind him. Letting him go through the present by your side might be a good thing for you at this point. He is lucky. He will forget. You never will. My heart breaks for you. Losing a child is the hardest thing to deal with, and you have so much more on your plate. Please remember to take time for yourself ....to grieve for your boy.....and to take care of your own health. You must be very strong for God to heap this all on you. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
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So true BoniChak, so true. Great response!
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I think I too have changed my mind from your first post/comment. Now I am thinking that it might be easier for you in the long run if you told your husband now, maybe have your other son there with you.. tell him together. You won't have the additional burden of being secretive. Then if your husband forgets in a few days just don't remind him.
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Thank youfor your help and concern. Myhusband, who is very low key had hislight stroke after an unfortunate conflict 13 years ago. Now I am afraid that a blow like this could cause something he can't handle physically. Also my neice was killed ina car wreck 6 years ago and my husband frequently asks me "did something happen to tina?" I know that if I tell him about this I will constantly be reminded and have to go through it again and again. I feel really awful not telling him though.
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well, you have to do what you think is best because we don't know you or your husband. I wish you the very best!
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Such hard choices, such a difficult situation.
I will pray for strength for you and for your family.
L
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May God lovingly hold you in the palm of His hand during the coming days; giving you the strength and guidance needed. I am so sorry for your loss.
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thyme - do you think you could try something like this: Greg and/or Tina had a wonderful opportunity to live a different kind of life and have now moved far away from us. We will be able to see them when they come home for vacation. If

If you carefully seat your husband and strategically place any photos of Greg at the services, you may be able to bring your husband to the services without indicating exactly whom you are saying goodbye to you. This is perhaps over-presuming that you could manage or divert others, I may not fully understand his condition, from coming up and having conversations about condolences.
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My usual advice would be to tell the demented person and include them in any activities but understand your fear about the reaction it would cause. Your husband is sick not stupid so already knows that something is amiss. Do your best not to lie to him, he also has a right to grieve and it may be healing for him to attend the memorial and meet your son's friends. He does not need to know all the details but does deserve to hear the truth. It is his son too. Talk to his dr and take his advise on the possible harm to your husband. He may be able to prescribe something to calm him if he becomes too agitated. Your previous experience could have been coincidence. Listen to your Dr's advice it is your decision whether or not to act on it. my prayers are with you at his sad time
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I think you have to decide what you can handle; you can change your mind later. For me, it would be very hard to have to listen to him ask the same question over and over at such a "raw" time with all the other responsibilites.

Please, I hope you have a friend or neighbor (close or not!) that you can share this grief and overwhelming feelings with. Consider hiring some temporary in-home help for a few hours a day (through a reputable care agency) to ease the day to day burdens and allow you to get out of the house or take a walk, etc. Maybe the CNA helper can take your husband out on some outings, to lunch, etc. so you can get some much needed rest, cry and let your anger out in private for now.

You and your family are in all our hearts. Please come here whenever you need.
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While reading your post, I forgot to breathe and my heart shrunk for a moment. The only thing I can do is imagine I'm holding you as we both cry, as I don't have any thoughts that can actually ease the horrible pain you're going through. ... And still have the strength to protect your husband! Bless you now and always.

-- Abracao.
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My sincerest and deepest condolences. As you asked about the logistics of going to a memorial far from your home, and you do not want to tell your husband about your son, my only suggestion is that you get a hotel room in the city where the memorial is to be held, and tell your husband you are going on a little vacation with him. If he can come with you to a nice place, have a good meal, and perhaps a pool to swim in, and if you can find a kind friend or family member who might stay with your husband while you go to the memorial service, it might ease a bit of the strain instead of putting him in respite care and lying to him, as you said. It might also give you a rest from all the phone calls for a day or two, and it sounds like you really need some rest.
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Dear Mythyme, I did not see your first post, and to hear that you have lost your son at such an early age is overwhelming. My sincere condolences to you and your family. If your other son is close, try to let him manage as much of the logistics as possible - don't be afraid to let him know there are things you cannot do. You have enough on your plate with your husband at this point. About telling him, only you know him best. I agree with the suggestion to speak to the doctor, but aside from that, if there is anyway you can let your husband know what happened, it seems like it might be a good thing to do, he will just process it in his own way, and with the dementia it may not sink in entirely. My uncle with Alz/Demntia was at my aunt's side when she passed, and after a brief few minutes of crying, seemed to think she was just asleep, and at the wake and funeral behaved much like his former gracious self to everyone there, but it seemed that the significance of the event did not totally register at that point. I also agree that if your husband is able to travel, taking him with you to a hotel near the services may be a good idea, as long as other family members take turns staying with him throughout the day, in between time at the memorial services. You cannot handle everything alone. Otherwise the respite care may be the best idea. So many options to weigh - I pray you find the right answers in your heart.
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