Caregiver over stepping boundaries. Any advice?

Oh, and I did write up expectations for the staff, but it didn't go as planned. Even though I live in the house, she thought she knew best. Ugh.

If the situation doesn't improve, find someone else. We've been through several caregivers and finally found two we really like and trust with my Dad. Age doesn't matter here, compassion does. I've learned to be very specific with instructions for chore items. Don't assume that everyone does things the same way as you.

If the situation doesn't improve, find someone else. We've been through several caregivers and finally found two we really like and trust with my Dad. Age doesn't matter here, compassion does. I've learned to be very specific with instructions for chore items. Don't assume that everyone does things the same way as you.

Then you take her into your home. You care for her & get additional help like (aging & adult) if you are that concerned.

We've had all four of our parents ! Now we are on the last, my 85 year old FIL. With dimenshia , diabetes , neuropathy , COPD, and a ton of other issues.

"Trust me, I know how hard, mentally draining, and depressing it is watching a parent fade away from what they use to be". (Raising five kids is easier than caring for one parent)!

But, at least when all of our parents are passed, we know we did right by all of them.

And didn't have to worry about situations such as what your explaining.

We both work, have a house, bills , need to cook, shop, clean, handle all his doc appts, referrals, medications, etc. and made a point to get "Aging & Adult Social Services" , which sends out an aide weekly as we need them, to help with personal care/etc.

We even alterered our home to accomadate all of our parents.

Your choices are basically as follows:

*Offer to hire & pay for a more experienced caregiver under your siblings roof.

*If your parent is of sound mind, see what "they" would like! And which of their kids they want to live with as well.

*Get video proof (hide a recordable video camera in a stuffed toy, a nanny cam) in your parents room, see what's really happening.

*Discuss with the sibling who's roof your parent is under, about the situation/your concerns and maybe them getting "Aging & Adult" &/or a new caregiver. See how that goes.

*You move your parent in with you & handle all of it, and have a piece of mind they are being cared for properly . And get "Aging & Adult Social Services" and if needed , hire a caregiver you approve of.

*Ignore what's going on, let your siblings do what they feel is best.

That's basically your choices.

Other than a nursing home. Which the goal is keeping them out of one as long as possible!

"Not being mean, but brutally honest"! This is the hardest job anyone can do!

What if the mother of an accident and 100% better now she still can't leave to come home because of the ungrateful, abuse, neglecting person as her son. Her is a story you want to hear. How do we remove him from his guardianship. Asap. He will not let her go to the church of her choice, it has been 4.5 months.

fire her is it that hard to figure out??? There are a lot of people out there that would like to work, find someone who wants to follow you rules?????????

Where did you find this girl? Did your family place an ad on Craigslist?

You get what you pay for. Many people go through a few hired caregivers before finding a match.

Another thing, you need to be more specific when you look for advice. Other than the girl not doing laundry correctly, no one on here has any idea what the issues are....give examples!

Has not been honest in what way? Are you talking stealing or does she show up 15 minutes late and says she is on time. If you want advice on an issue you need to be more detailed.

Age is not necessarily an issue. My brother who had Parkinson's Disease was well cared for for several years by a young woman in her 20's whose family my nephew knew. She loved older people, called him "Grandpa" and was very capable and patient with him. When he had to be moved out of his long-time home after my SIL died, his son found him a condo near them, and the caregiver was able to deal with him there. Later, he was moved to his son's house, and she still came in part time to help them. After he passed, she found another caregiving job, and I believe is doing this as a life's work. I live 1200 miles away, and once when this girl was visiting relatives in my area she called me to see how I was doing. (I had visited several times and was very impressed with her.)
When my MIL was at our house her last year, we found a daytime caregiver through a friend for whom she had done housecleaning for some time. She was great, very professional. She and Grandma really loved each other. She kept in touch with me occasionally for some years after Grandma was gone.
You can find really good people; you can get tangled with bad ones. The problem with firing bad ones is that they can cause you all sorts of trouble unless you really document what is happening, and still it can be a hassle. Be careful , be really careful ahead of time!!!

So, Kimberley, where is your mother living? In her own home, or in your brother's home? How come he has 'taken charge' - has she given him POA or something?

I have the impression that you can't fire her even if you wanted to, is that correct? - hence you were asking for advice on how to get the boundaries established. If your mother isn't living with you, and you're not her primary caregiver, but you are actively involved in her care and would like to remain so, I can appreciate how worrying the situation must be. The medications incident is bizarre: did she just take it into her head that your mother shouldn't have them, did she forget to give them, did your mother refuse them and she didn't know what to do about it, or what? Clearly that kind of thing can't go on, though, whatever happened.

Sorry to be so obtuse - could you please go back a bit and lay out the territory for us?

Try typing up sheet on your dryer preferences and post it by the dryer for this caregiver to see. Explain why you want this done too so she understands. I'm not sure of the circumstances with the fignts among siblings or if all of you live together but the person who lives with your mom should be giving the authority and instruction to the caregiver or your mom herself. Hopefully she is good in other areas that may compensate for the not perfect performance but it is always ok to mention problem areas to her. Just make sure you tell her, her good qualities first and mention again them after you tell her the problem. Try to keep a spirit with love and respect in all communications even with siblings remembering everyone has gifts and ideas that should be considered and heard, including the caregiver. In the meantime, pray for God's hand and will in the matter. Everyone needs forgiveness and a fresh filling of HIs spirit. If they don't know Jesus, then I would suggest praying a prayer for His help by Him coming to live in their heart. His Word and Spirit will guide to whats best and will help. Blessings to you and your family. I will pray...

You don't say if you've hired the CG independently or through an agency. If independently, you should have a, carefully worded and detailed, care plan along side an Employment Contract. If you don't have this, then you need to get both made up and signed off on by the CG. If she is from an agency then your problem is much easier because you need only contact the agency and let them know of your concerns.
That said; I agree with 'countrymouse' that your brothers expectations may be more basic than yours. First, remove any and all valuables from the home. Second, put away any articles of clothing that can'r go through regular wash and dry cycles of the laundry. Third, make a list of 'reasonable' tasks that you expect to have the CG perform. Fourth, prepare food ahaead so that CG isn't having to guess about how to fix meals (differant ciltures/differant food). Fifth, don't expect the CG to just 'know how things should be done'. Your common sense and hers are the results of your own individual life experience so, as Countymouse suggested, befriend her, take her (gently) under your wing and ease her into your household. Taking care of someone is an intimate experience and it's not easy to not become 'involved'. That said, it is yours, and your brothers, responsibility to set clear boundries with her. You don't say if you all live under the same roof, or is she is with one of you or lives indepentdently. whomever she is living with has the right, and duty, to be the one to set the rules, and boudries in their own home. If mom lives independently then that's another issue and you'll just have to go with 'how important is it?' in the grand scheme of your mothers care.
If you are not using an agency, you should be as they provide all kinds of assistance with getting the right CG into the home, as well as support services for family members when needed. Your CG will also be bonded, have had criminal background checks, and are vetted by the agency.

Kimberly,sounds like brothers know squat about caregiving. Those who have the least clue always will be the first to tell the you what to do and how to do it. Stand your ground!!!!!!!!!!! Have a serious talk with little miss 23 to let her know who signs her paycheck. She sounds a little naive as to how the boss-employee relationship works. Tell brothers you'll gladly step aside if they're unhappy with how you do things. You don't have to take any of their flack. You have more than enough on your mind, and you don't need that extra stress. Do you have POA for mom? If so, remind brothers and tell them you're doing what you think is right, regardless. I'm 49 and took care of my mom for 5 years. She passed a month ago, and it upsets me when siblings think they know more than the one who is the primary caregiver and offer advice when they do nothing. My brothers did nothing to help me, so I know what your're going through. My heart goes out to you and your mom. May God be with you and give you and your mom strength, my friend.

Fire her TODAY! There are decent and wonderful care givers available. Again I recommend care.

Being the caregiver in my situation, I inserted myself into a situation because,
no one was in charge and the patients, continual care was in jeopardy,
because of the dysfunction. In my case, I am not hired, but was asked to give her her meds, two years after I was already distributing her meds. The 4 out of 5 siblings didn't want to take care of her (I was living in the building with youngest of the sibling) and two oldest siblings of the four gave themselves POA, so yes they asked me to give her, her meds(which like I said was already being done).

The problem with family dysfunctionality is that it had a lifetime to operate, before this situation became apparent to you, the brothers could have already shared that dysfunction when they hired her the sitter (?) and not caregiver? leads me to believe your mother is of sound mind, so technically she should be the one to fire or hire anyone, if not of sound mind, what matters most is is your mother being properly cared for? If she is being cared for, it does not matter what your feelings are, but if she is not being cared for properly, you can call Senior Abuse hotline, whatever they call senior abuse where you live, oh and by the way who has the Power of Attorney?

Truth is that if there is no abuse, there will be nothing they can do, they are not responsible for the dysfunctionality (but under the umbrella of caregiver stress could provide the service to you and your siblings) of you and your siblings, so they will not fix it for you, unless all the siblings are in agreement and it sounds like not, some family members block production of real communication and while it is not nice, it is perfectly legal, unfortunately.

The helpless/hopeless prospects that you must be living under are horrid, emotion upheaval, inability to think, or carry on a normal function are immense, it is now eight years, that I have been taking care of her, all without pay, I share these emotions, as well...sometimes, I question my motive, because it was all about continuity of care and her right (I am a disabled person) to stay in the community and her home. I on the other hand have no standing in court, cannot get paid, because no one hired me, go figure and as long as she, her son and I live under one roof, the court allows me to take care of her for free. As I am aging, I am experiencing a Dorian Gray affect (aging more than I should be, to preserve her) I have begun to have feelings of conflict.

My life is truly on hold, so I guess it is a matter of perspective...I agree with Country mouse and bookluver...if she is not qualified, you could intervene by teaching her/guiding her (or handling the care of your mothers wool sweaters yourself, if that is all that is wrong) or getting abuse services to get you a more qualified candidate, their is no law broken by wanting better care for your mother.

Of course change is change and a process to go through, all in all, I am rid of the dysfunctional sibs and totally free to care for her, in the proper way!

Your mom is the focus. mind, body, cleanliness, temperature of her environment, food, ease of swallowing, digestion, normal regularity, medications, on time, given gently, noting always the whereabouts of professional medical help . Have the sitter write an overview of the time and what what was done each hour, and every day. 'Sounds like your brothers don't understand this. It also sounds like that young lady is not professional and does not belong in a job that might need to balance life from death over a slip up. Don't make a big deal over the drama. That's what she wants, manipulation to distract from where her focus belongs...care of your mother.

Age is not a problem, but If she is lying, that would be a real concern to me. If the simple requests are reasonable, her reluctance to comply would also be a concern. If she is unwilling to learn how to do things then 'teaching her' isn't going to help. Are you sure that some of your brothers aren't involved in some hanky panky? We walked in on my middle aged cousin and his young attractive 'caregiver for mom' and she was spending more time flirting with him than looking after his mother. Poor aunt ended up in nursing home not long after.
Just saying....

As with any employee, if they do not perform their job to your satisfaction, fire them.

Fire them, talk to the agency if you are using one and move onto another ASAP. Why should you all be subjected to watching her while your attention should be on mom or dad. There are a gizillion care agency out there. Interview the companies and check on any new caregiver weekly and immediately correct wrong doings. You are the customer. Terie Novak, author of ebook "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents" God Bless.