Caregiver over stepping boundaries. Any advice?

Fire her sooner rather than later.

Wish I could but 2 brothers apparently haven't had enough drama yet!!! I pray a lot

Sounds like dysfunctional brothers dealing with a dysfunctional sitter. That is a bad combination. I guess they must of hired her? She really needs to be fired. How much more drama and what kind of drama do they need before they will fire her? Must she steal something? I guess that you have talked with them and they will not listen.

It's hard to find good caregivers, especially ones that are reliable and show up on time. If she is reliable and shows up on time, you may just want to have a talk with her, and see if you can get her on-track.

She's 23? Cute and a hottie?? Smack brothers upside the head?? I may be wrong but I can;t imagine many 23 year olds are mature enough to care for a pt with dementia. She probably never did laundry before..LOL. She needs to rethink who her boss is.. if you are living in the home, and not brothers. I think I would have to come up with alot more chores to keep her too busy to butt in, or to make her quit if brothers wont come around. Maybe tell her ruined clothes come out of her pay?

A drastic pay cut is in order.
Document, document in writing to her, then FIRE her.
Review her written contract and revise if necessary should you be dumb enough not to dump her. There is a written engagement contract, isn't there?

Easy peasy...Fire her today. You'll find another and more capable person pronto...older ladies work well for us...they loooove my wife.....

Set up a Daily Program or List required for her - called duties. On a separate paper, include what these duties are - as in specifics of doing it the Preferred Way. This includes the sweater and dryer. Be specific on the 2nd page. Then, at the end of her day, you can go through it, and check mark. Any deviation - Mark it also. Do Not Be So Nit Picking. If you make it too rigid, even your brothers would say, "You expect her to do all this - like that?! She's not a robot." etc....

If she doesn't do it, can you take photos on your cellphone, download and date it and keep it on file for future reference - like when it's time to fire her?

From your description of your concerns your brother is taking the lead with your mothers care. Dishonesty is a problem and should not be tolerated. Additionally, the level of experience of someone this young could be limited. The primary focus for you and your brother working together should be the level of care your mother receives. Don't let sibling squabbles get in the way of your mothers care. Both of you need to work hard to stay above that as you calmly discuss your mothers care. To many families are broken apart when they should be pulling together and understanding cow they can work together to care for a mother they both love.

Kimberley, she's 23: what does she know about anything?

If you have a better alternative to propose, go ahead and propose it.

On the other hand. "Not being honest" and "putting mother's knits in the dryer" appearing so close to each other like that make me wonder what the substance of this drama is, exactly. What is she not being honest about? Shrunken woollens? Cor strike a light how did that happen nothing to do with me I swear cross my heart… That kind of not honest?

Don't get me wrong: my MIL's housekeeper put my heirloom cashmere baby blanket - the kind you could pull through your wedding ring - in the dryer and it emerged the size of a small pocket handkerchief only made of felt. I was LIVID. I am not underestimating how stressful it is to have somebody in the house you can't trust to carry out even the most basic tasks.

You're stunned that your brothers believe her version of events over yours. So would I be, if that were what is actually happening. But it isn't. What's actually happening is that your brothers have found an easy solution to the problem of what to do about mother, and they are reluctant to let it go. That would mean more work, more time, more effort while you all come up with something better; not to mention the unpleasant prospect of firing cutie-pop; and the fact is that they think that good enough will have to do and they can't be bothered with it. So it's not that they don't *believe* you, it's that they don't think it matters a rat's wotsit what is going on as long as mother isn't covered in bruises and it doesn't involve work for them.

Meanwhile, cutie-pop sees sweet little old lady that she's taking brilliant care of, plus nice brothers who praise her constantly, versus evil witch hag who is giving her a hard time (evil witch hag is you, in case you didn't recognise yourself from the description!). Cutie-pop has a lot to learn.

So, how about teaching her? Imagine she's a difficult child whom, without anyone consulting you, you've been tasked with bringing up to scratch. There would be considerable satisfaction in improving her knowledge, skills and - oh my goodness - attitude. Remember that you are the grown up in this relationship and that it is up to you to help her learn. Forget your brothers, go to work on her. Hint: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar :) Start with praise for anything she *is* getting right, would be my tip.

Review the expectations of the caregiver with your family. Work together to find the best care for your mother. Point out what she is doing and where the shortcoming and gaps are. Then... do not hesitate to fire her. In your home, in your family, hold the standards high and do NOT tolerate misbehavior. It could get very bad if you don't act early. Get to work on finding someone who is trustworthy and does the job... find and hire a replacement. There are very good people out there who will do a very good job for you.

If it were me I'd get a nanny cam (hidden camera) to see what's up. If there's nothing going on great. Nothing you need to address then. If she's lying and you're recording the proof or catch her doing something she's not supposed to do, show your brothers and insist she be fired.

Simple, get rid of her.

I agree with many of the posts here. I would be concerned with her age, but more importantly with her lack of training in caring for elderly patients... things will get worse and she will not know how to manage dementia, sundowning, agitation, etc. etc. I have also found with my father (89), older caregivers are better able to converse and relate with him than younger ones. And if one caregiver is sick, etc. the service is responsible for a substitute on that day. This does not sound like a situation that is sustainable for the long term.

I respectfully disagree w CM. You need help, not anothe kid to raise. There are a lot of people looking for jobs, fire this one and give someone else an opportunity.

Great advice here but I'd like to stick up for younger people. A university that uses my book in their gerontology class to help humanize the family caregiving experience invites me to talk with the class just before graduation each year.

All of these young people have done internships and most are CNAs who've worked their way through college by caring for elders. Ninety percent are passionate about the people they care for.

That being said, this particular woman doesn't fit that mold and should be talked to in a business like way, monitored and if she doesn't shape up, fired.

Older caregivers can be wonderful, but what I'm saying is that age isn't the issue - the person is. One older aide slept on the couch during the time she was supposed to be working and smoked in the house (and denied it). Others, of course, are real jewels who love elders.

Finding perfection only happens once in awhile. Finding someone who at least does the work with a smile and listens is great. Maybe this young woman could improve with guidance – maybe not.

Good luck with this situation. The brothers are a problem here for sure.
Carol

Is she good to your mother, does your mother like her, does she show up and on time, pick your battles if your looking for perfection trust me it's not there. There is good and bad in all of us try to see the good in her.

Time for a family meeting. Discuss your concerns, pick your battles wisely because it's hard to find a caregiver that shows up consistently. With dementia patients that is key. You can put an iron on label in the back of items of clothing that are hand wash as a reminder or provide a separate hamper for those and someone in the family will do them.

As far as the fights being caused by her, she is just a kid and needs some guidelines to follow that can be agreed upon during your family meeting. Then have a family member sit down with her and explain the situation.

Sounds as if this sitter has become enmeshed with the family.
FYI, A "sitter" is just there to do that...SIT.(it is the legal job description, a no hands on job) If more help is needed, look for a medical assistant, a CNA, an LPN or other home health care through a reputable establishment.

I feel for you. We often have similar problems with caregivers for my in-laws. We have had MANY caregivers over the years in the home 24/7 as my FIL needs round the clock care and my MIL's job has become "watching" the caregivers. If there was a perfect one....I think we'd have found them by now. Having said that, I think your situation depends on if this 23 yr. old was privately hired, or is she sent to you through a Home Healthcare Agency? If she is provided by an agency, I would speak with her personally about your concerns and make it clear that you expect to see improvement IMMEDIATELY, and if she doesn't show it, do not hesitate to call the agency and ask for her replacement! If she has been privately hired by family, it would depend on what the original terms of your agreement were, but still....sit her down and explain where she needs to step up. Over the past 3+ years my in-laws have been the victims of theft by caregivers, those who are disrespectful and/or talk "down" to my in-laws, pretend to "listen" and then turn around and do things however they want, etc. I do think your brothers are a problem here......do either of THEM ever have to manage the day to day care? Have they ever had to come along behind said 23 yr. old caregiver to correct the problems she causes? Sometimes.....SEEING is believing. If you are getting no help from them, I say call the shots yourself. At the end of the day.....who signs caregivers check? Money talks, and if she has to start paying for her mistakes, I'll bet she straightens up fast as lightening! Good luck and hugs to you!

I would suggest finding a more mature woman to help care for your mom. I resist leaving my 9 year old with someone who is not mature enough let alone an elderly women. Anyone you bring in to care for an elderly person should be background and credit checked if they are not hired through an agency that does it as part of the normal hiring process. If your family is struggling to care for your mom you might want to look for a reputable Care Management organization to support your family in the process.

I agree here with two things...it is not about the age. My daughter is 23, very responsible, and could take care of my mom probably better than me because her patience are so great. The other thing is, she does need to go if she is not meeting expectatons. Maybe you can get with your brothers and come up with a list of expectations and give them to her. If this doesn't work, I am in agreeance with cutting the pay down and she may just quit.--tell her some unexpected expenses have come up and her pay will have to be less for a while. I went through a few caregivers until I found a couple I felt I could trust. I had one tell me my fell on purpose that she watched her and that my mom ate 12 pieces of pizza at once--when she barely ate all of her oatmeal. She also smoked and told me she didn't. She wanted me to pay for the pizza so she said my mom ate it. You really have to be careful and send those people on their way fast, regardless of the age.

The story is so long! The dishonesty is lying to my brothers. 2 medications were stopped without notifying the doctor. She told my brothers I stopped them. And yes the older brother believed her. It goes on and on. We kids had a broken home. I did not realize how wounded my older brother is. After age 11 he didn't live with us much. Just found out brother fired one of the sitters. Not the 23 year old. Just one she started mess with months ago. Thanks for listening. No solution for this since big brother has decided to take care of Mom for the first time in his life. Maybe it will ease his guilt over his past.

I think clearly written out instructions about laundry or what ever else is bugging you are in order. Perhaps a checklist for her. "This is what is expected of you" sort of thing, sign and date, both of you. If she cannot carry out your realistic expectations , then gone with the wind she should be. Is knitted laundry enough to get rid of an otherwise good caregiver? Is she good in every other way? Does mom like her? Why not change up the wardrobe or just have the knits put aside for a family member to do? My mom lived in sweat suits of many colors and designs for year, Easy wash load!!! Easily replaced. If she is getting into or causing family drama that is a whole other kettle of fish. Gone with the wind, no need for that at all.

Anyone who comes in and divides the family needs to go. It is hard enough taking care of an older family member without someone outside creating problems. And DavelFM is right, document, document, document, because some people don't know when to leave either.

Oh, I almost forgot. If someone is dishonest they have lost my vote. Honesty is something I put great value on, especially today, and if they lie about one thing, they will lie about many things.

If you are using a Home Care Company contact them and have the young lady removed from your Mom's Care. You already know she is not a 'fit' for the situation. If you and your family are not using a Home Care Company-fire her and find replacement. Mom's care is important...finding the right person to care for her is a task that can be done but you have to monitor the person to be sure it is a good situation. Hiring is difficult as many of the CNA's interview extremely well yet really don't want to be a CNA...I have struggled for years with finding those who really care and love what they do because it matters!

This caregiver cannot insert herself into your family's business without your family's cooperation. It is likely your siblings are somehow encouraging her interference. And perhaps your five siblings wouldn't be getting along famously in this crisis even if you didn't have this particular companion for mom.

One person should be given the responsibility of dealing with this care giver. If any sibling has a problem with her, wants to give her additional duties, whatever, it should be run through that person. Having five different bosses is impossible.

With everyone's help, come up with a list of responsibilities and expectations. That "one person" should present that list to her. One of the entries on this list should include which sibling she should come to with any problems or questions.

If your siblings are not presenting a united front, you will continue having problems no matter who the care giver is.

I like bookluvr's idea. Write down what you expect regarding duties. She's young and that may be all it takes. If you see no improvement when you review it with her after a week, she may quit and save you the trouble of firing her.

Get rid of her NOW. We had the same problem. I tried to correct her and she went along with it for the most part, but then quit and called the state on us with false accusations. I did compliment her and thanked her frequently when merited, but she overstepped boundries. We thought it was just immaturity, but it wasn't. She was just awful. Thankfully, the allegations were found to be false, but it was so scary. We now have an older woman who is a bit lazy, but very kind and gentle as well as dependable. You will have to decide what is most important to you. If you are having bad feelings, she needs to go. Listen to your gut.