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Here's a short paragraph from today's email: Lastly, it is time to pivot your focus towards your physical well-being, instead of forcing that which is unnatural to your mom. Work the knots from the inside-out. Humility is the most powerful way... per your culture and the bible.
May Truth flourish through you,

Last Saturday, it was a phone call that lasted an hour, on how I should do this instead of that when it comes to caring for my Mom. I wanted to take my weekly shower, but instead, I listened to her critique of me. I know I'm not perfect, and have lost my cool several times, but I'm still here, I'm still trying. I've been with Mom for 20+ yrs, she depends on my for all her social activities, which I plan to change, with no help from family.

I am curious, how you folks would have responded to the above paragraph?

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Ugh. God bless you. Seriously. People like that are going to keep on telling you what you are doing wrong I swear. Maybe every time she calls have a sudden emergency like yell oh my god mom stop!!! Then say oh my goodness dear I have to run mom needs help right away! Then hang up. Maybe also get another email address for your friends and business and dont give it to her
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Counter her email with this:
Lastly, it is time to pivot your focus on the job you were hired to do, instead of forcing unsolicited beliefs upon the one who pays you. Work your job as you were hired to do. Humility is the most powerful way to keep your job and earn a paycheck.
May your current employment stay flourished with you
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"thank you for the reminder that there are other caregivers in the world that need a job, and perhaps one of them might be a better fit for us." - Simple as that.
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lori -why did you listen to her for an hour. It would have been more appropriate to cut the conversation short saying thank you for your input, I have to go now. You can do that face to face too.

jinx has given you some good examples

I think advising her to focus on your mum is a good idea,

also as Jeanne says -if you can make it work out for the time remaining...

be prepared to deal with her wanting to stay in your life - you mentioned she did not charge for a period, You need to set up some boundaries now. I think pts has a point. I don't know if it is that bad, but this lady wants to be in control and the situation needs you to give her some very firm limits.

Cut her off whenever she starts talking like that to you again - what happens in your house e.g. the glass shelves is your choice, not hers and she needs to understand that very clearly.

You can tell her that this topic is not open for discussion, that you will work it out with your mother, that her job is to ... (care for your mother) but not to advise you etc, Figure out what you need to say to her, and don't let her get that involved again.

Good luck and come back and tell us how it works out (((((((((hugs))))))))
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Thanks Jinx, you got me to laugh and I didn't think anything could make me laugh today. I love your list of comebacks.

Loritabby, I would vote for putting up with her since it is just one more month and simply redirect the interaction or not acknowledge the information coming from her that's negative. Looks like you've already got some great tips on how to do that. Still the best laid plans can go awry and you mother might need help after a month. I'd suggest interviewing on the sly the other caregivers in town just in a friendly chat way - tell them you might need them in the future and just want to form a connection with them now if they will keep it confidential. That way you'll know if you like them and can call them up right away if you need to fire the current one or just next time around once you need more help. Good luck!
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Jinx4740 .....Bravo, well said!
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Loridtabbykat just erase it! It will just irritate you anyway..
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LOL Jinx!!! Oh I can't stop laughing.. Your last line is hysterical.. Must be the snow and cold weather, feeling cooped up?
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I want to thank all of you for your feedback! It's all very good, and helps me to see this more clearly. She sent me another email, and I haven't had the time to read it yet. I'll post it later. Thanks Again EVERYONE!
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Possible words to use:

You are so good for my mother, but she and I are different people. I have my own path. I understand that you are trying to be helpful to me, but I don't find your words helpful. What should we make Mother for lunch today?

I respect your beliefs, and I request that you respect mine.

I'm so sorry, but I really can't listen to this. Mother would appreciate a backrub right now.

I'm sorry, there's someone at the door.

In response to an email, "Thanks for the reminder about needing more wipes. I read what you wrote about my well being. I appreciate your good wishes, but your focus should always be on my mother, not on me."

"Your email was deleted before I read it. Was there anything there I need to know?"

I'm assuming that you want to try to get her to STFU before canning her ass. LOL
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OK, that e-mail was pure BS and psuedospiritual speak and you need that like a hole in the head. Watching mom decline is emotional, and if you need help sorting out what is behavior that Mom is in full control of versus dementia, you need that kind of information and not a pile of gobbeldygook pop psych lingo. I would ask this person what she is trying to do - console you? lecture you? prosyletize you? look down her nose at you? If she has good practical specific advice on something, fine, say "thanks, that's I good Idea I can do that, but the rest of the things you are saying make no sense, come across as vague and critical, and don't help at this difficult time..if I want counseling, I'll go get some, from someone who makes sense more than (whatever percent of the time she is making any sense) of the time." Just my $0.02.
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Thank you for all your responses. I am reading them and trying to make a decision.
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She is a professional caregiver is what I understand. She is probably seeing how "out of control" you can get and in "her own way" kindly try to express to you how she is feeling and how things can be handled better. She may not have worded her email the way you would have liked but you did say that you have "lost your cool several times." She is looking from the outside in and she has most likely seen you lose your cool or speak harshly or brandish an attitude and she is telling you to lighten up. The thing is she MAY be right. We do not always like being told that we are being harsh or disrespectful but she is new to your home and your attitude is new to her. Listen to what she says and if you know what she is saying it true, try to learn from it.

You say she is good with your Mom and your Mom only needs help for about another month, I personally would bite my lip as she is there 4 hours a week and let it go. If she was there every single day all day long, I am sure I would have to sit down and have a "heart to heart talk" with her. Leave it alone for now.....Look inward and see if she has a point.

Take care!
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Yes, there is an adult daycare. I've tried taking her there 3 or 4 times, and we would end up sitting in the parking lot, she wouldn't go in. But that was before the Medivac, so maybe things will be different this time. I've heard some bad things about the Adult Daycare too. Geeze, the way people treat the elderly in this Alaska city is just plain awful! Abusive language runs rampant, I've been taking the brunt of it, so Mom is not affected. Mom is a very sweet lady. I could probably take her to the day care once a week. I'm also trying to get her involved with the Church we go to, they go to the Nursing Homes, we have 2, once a week to visit the elderly. Mom is a young 78 yr old lady, who just months before her fall could put a leg behind her neck, put that leg down, then put the other leg behind her neck. She is a retired Nurse and diet technician, so she would be of so much service to this community. Boy oh boy does this community need her!
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If you really think you will not need her services in a month, and there aren't a lot of other choices, maybe you could manage to tolerate it. But, really, an hour lecture from your employee? I think not!! Humility is the most powerful way? Well, then, she sure should start practicing it!

If you MUST keep her, ignore the emails and cut her lectures short, by saying you need to go do something. Or flat out tell her you are not interested in her theories, just in the help you are paying her for.

Are there any adult day programs in your area? Somewhere you could take Mom while you work?
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There are like 3 private pay caregivers where I live. Do you really think I should release her?
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Your caregiver is an obsessive-compulsive type who won't let go and wants to control both you and your mother. She is a prototype stalker and you need to ease her out of the picture, the sooner the better.
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I agree, whoever this other caregiver is of your mother should follow your lead, not telling you how things are done. If you feel she is conspiring against you with your own mother, perhaps it's time for her to go. You can find someone to replace her. You should know what is best for your own mother.
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I really appreciate your help!
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she should be answering to you and following your instructions. thats the nature of employment. im an occasional employer and i must have control of the work site. i dont want to babysit a loose cannon.
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Yes, I am Mom's caregiver, but I have to work too. Yes, I really only take one shower a week.

Some more examples of Caregiver conversation to me: You are your Mom's cheerleader, cheer her on when she does stuff.... Include her in decisions, let her fix up her bedroom the way she wants (putting glass shelves on huge picture windows instead of the walls)... Stop making her do things she doesn't want to do (her physical therapy)....

Who does she think has been here for the past 20+ years? As I write these posts, I feel she is over stepping her bounds. Her being there is starting to cause me additional work, she left the garage door open one day last week when she took Mom out for a ride, a mouse got in, our Cat got it, and I hope it's dead. Instead of decorating one side of the Christmas Tree, they decorated all the way around, my arms were injured from pushing Mom in the wheel chair, and now I'm having to turn a Christmas tree around to get all the ornaments off....
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I'm noticing a pattern now. Before, she was criticizing the other caregiver, now that the other caregiver is no longer with us, she has now put her sites on me.

Ummm? Should I give her another chance? She's really good with Mom, but I feel she's trying to create an atmosphere of her and Mom against the "bad guy". She has been very, very, helpful, and we would not have made it without her. Mom's recovery is going well, and in a month or so, Mom should be ready to go without caregivers again. This caregiver has reduced her hours to 4 hrs, on Wednesday. She stopped charging me for her time for about a week or so, but now we are going back to paying her. I think she feels she has total control of this situation and is not working with us, but is telling me what will or will not be. I appreciate your feedback. Thank You. There aren't very many caregivers where I live, in Alaska. I must be careful.
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Are you both caregivers for your mother? Do you really only take one weekly shower? I found myself wondering if the person may have been saying you need to take better care of yourself. Please tell us more. I couldn't really get a feel for what the problem is and what the caregiver was talking about.
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tell her you have your own beliefs and shes making a fool of herself by promoting her own. then remind her that shes a guest in your home and best watch her yap. if these dont work, replace her with a secular leaning professional. nothing will get me bent more quickly than someone claiming to have what i need and by doing so implying that im lost without it.
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