Dad's in nursing home, now we must sell his home and most everything in it. How do I get past the guilt of getting rid of his items?

Candyo, what you are feeling is normal, but please work on dropping the guilt. Even your dad knows he can't use those items again. You are doing the right thing by saving items that have special emotional value, so it's evident that you have sensitivity toward what your are doing.

It's quite likely this is harder on you than on your dad. That's frequently the case. You are seeing items that have had a place in your life as well as your dad's. You may want to take pictures of many items just for memory's sake. It the whole process is too hard, you can hire professionals who will work with you or even do it all if you'd rather not be there. Try to remember that no matter how long your dad had these things, they are things, and your dad's care now is the most important part of his life. My hear aches for you, because I know it's hard. But you'll get through it.
Carol

Candyo, I agree above about letting go of the guilt feeling for its not good for you either. Plus, you are NOT betraying him buy letting go of some of his stuff. Especially that your dad understands too. Why not see if u can bring a few small items that he can have in his room at the NH? Plus, their is nothing wrong in keeping a few memory items for yourself too. Although he will be losing his house, at least he will still have some of his own special items with him. Plus, I assume some of the $ for the house will help pay for him getting the best care that he needs. You are doing everything that you can do as a caring n loving daughter n you know it for his best interest so try not to be so hard on yourself.

I too just went through this with my mother - even though we did the first round of it 3 years ago and moved her into independent living near me - she suffered so much the loss of her possessions - now again she has broken her leg and had a stroke and professionals agree she will never go home again. I've put her in a home and taken a few special items - all her 3 boxes of photos in total disarray - and some art and put it in her room - and much of it is over-flowing in my house. She is also in early stages of dementia and in a memory care facility. She keeps saying things like 'in my medicine cabinet is a ...' as if her home is waiting for her. I'm honest and kind, and say 'Mom you know its all gone now' - which leaves her in bewilderment. Not sure this is the right approach - but she is cognizant enough to discuss it. I feel terrible as well, also am in exchange with her loss. This is a very independent woman who was driving 3 months ago - and now she can barely walk. Its a horrible transition and I keep reminding myself 'its just stuff' and that's not what matters - what matters is the care she now needs and that she is getting it.

It sounds like you are trying to keep what you can and what's meaningful and lildeb's and Carol's advice sound good. If there is a veteran's administration hospital or facility nearby; they like to have donations of clothes for homeless veterans. Giving away some of his things to people and charities that need them might make it a little less harder.

Try not to beat yourself up over this! Your dad is getting the care he needs and you are being sensitive to his needs. All good! The STUFF is just that, Perhaps there are other family members who will enjoy the memories associated with some of it. My mom had a stroke and quite frankly has never once asked for anything from the old house- when we brought her there she did not even recognize it! Then we had to move dad to another state, he would not let go of ONE thing! We moved 28,000 pounds- yes you read that correctly- only to have him just pile boxes and put them in the basement for storage. My sis then unboxed just what he needed to live comfortably and he still will not part with any stuff. It took me a week to box up and move (with a moving company) all that stuff and then another several weeks for my sis to go though it and set him up. Sad but true. He just wants to know that it is THERE! Now when he passes sis and I will have to go through it all again to sell or give away, what a waste of effort. It sure has made us in our late 50's trim down the excess baggage! You could always try to take pics of the rooms they way they are and make a memory book for him, before you dispose of it!

I guess I think that in this situation there is a typical grieving process, like a death. I have always agreed with the advice in general to 'do nothing' for a year. That is not always possible, but if you want to and if you can afford to, after getting rid of the stuff that doesn't mean anything (basically junk, which everybody has) what is so bad about putting things in storage for a while. If you are willing to go through the moving it there and then moving it again, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.
My BIL forced my MIL to sell everything in an estate sale and rushed her into a nursing home shortly after my FIL died. She had none of her stuff left and it was very sad. The proceeds were not much, in the end, and she really did have some nice things. Antiques aren't fetching lots these days and double beds well, no body wants. I am NOT a hoarder - the exact opposite! So I do put things into perspective about 'it is just 'stuff', after all'. But storage units are pretty cheap and if you need to buy some time before divesting of all his belongings, I see nothing wrong with that. If you need counseling to deal with guilt, then get it and once you are feeling a little more settled, begin to get rid of things.

Gosh, it sounds like you are living my life. I am at the exact same place as you.
Dad knows we need to sell the house, but is not able to do it himself. He can not emotionally or logically make the decisions that are required to clean it out.

Perhaps this will help you move past the guilt. Your "job" is to take care your dad. Everything you do must be in his best interest. Currently, he NEEDS the house settled. Thus, as difficult as it is.. you MUST do this FOR him even if he doesn't understand why you are doing it. Even if he becomes sad because of it.
Sometimes parents must make painful decisions when raising their kids. This time, you must make a painful decision to take care of your dad.

All that being said, I'm going to take the chicken way out. I've rented a storage unit and I'm going to move the majority of his stuff in there for now. This way I can clean the house and sell it.
If dad should happen suddenly remember something he wants, I'll be able to say it is safe. I know I could lie to him, but I'm not that good at it (although I'm learning).

First I had to deal with my great aunts belongings, later with my aunts, and just recently (Feb - present), my moms, which also included most of my dads things since he predeceased her 18 years prior.

My way of honoring their lives and their possessions was to go through everything, touch everything, know what I was dealing with, and make an informed decision item by item. If the economy had been better, I might have taken the time to try to sell some of her things but, that not being the case, I decided to offer certain things to people that had been meaningful to my mom, and they to her, so I could feel that her special and favorite things found a good home. Although I certainly did have to throw out an accumulation of a lot of unimportant things (like junque we all have), what was important to me was that items I knew she really loved, enjoyed or were important to her did not get discarded out of hand or scooped up by some impersonal clutter or removal service.

I am disabled so choosing to do this was hard work for me. I could certainly understand that due to a disability, other family needs or work pressures, this choice may not be possible for everyone. The bottom line is, you have to do what you have to do. If your elder is still alive, as mine wasn't, you may be more pressed for time than I was and other choices would be necessary. You have to console yourself in all cases that you're doing the best you can. That's all anyone should expect from you, or you should expect from yourself.

My husband had been a hoarder for years so our house it cluttered with all kinds of useless things, including catalogs from years ago, empty pill bottles, old bills, etc. He always got very anxious when I tried to throw away any of his things and often checked the garbage to make sure that I wasn't getting rid of any of his things. At this point, he still lives at home, although he attends an adult day care program 4 times a week and I do send him to a memory care assisted living facility for short respite stays of 4-8 days on occasion (when I can afford it). When he is not around, I take the opportunity to throw away large eaf bags full of his "stuff". As long as he doesn't actually see me throwing his things out (and doesn't see it in the garbage, which he still checks) he is unaware of what I have done. I have no guilt about doing this because this is also my home and I feel that I have a right to a reasonable amount of space here, especially since I am the one who does all the cleaning. Don't feel guilty about getting rid of things of your father's which he no longer needs because you doing what needs to be done and your father will not know the difference. You have a right to live comfortably in your own home.

That is why I feel so strongly about "things", if I do not need it I get rid of it, that is just me, after I moved from USA to Ireland, I had to get rid of a lot of my own things, gave it all away, Salvation Army, people in need, homeless shelters, I worked hard for it all to have it gone in one afternoon. Point is things do not bring you happiness and they sure do weigh you down. I have a house now that needs to be updated and rehabbed, but you know what it can wait, right now all my energy is for taking care of my mother. When the time comes, I really just want what I need and keep it really simple, possessions fill you with worry that someone will steal them, and the reality is I have never seen one hearse towing a UHaul of stuff. Keep things that dad treasures, give some things to those that deserve and need them and enjoy the freedom of less.

I'm a little bewildered here. What's the hurry? Can't you wait until he passes?
My husband died in late 2008, and I'm just starting to sell and/or give away his precious things. I'm keeping everything of his that really mattered, or has special value to the family. His room is still the way he left it on that ride to the ER, not knowing he'd never return.
What's your hurry?

I know just how you feel and 2 years ago was in your shoes. Mom, with dementia in a memory care home, has never asked for her stuff. I'm just thrilled when she recognizes a quilt, for instance, that I saved. That meant I made a good decision.
1) Be glad that your father is still alive and you don't have to be mourning his death as well as going through his possessions.
2) Take the time to savor the memories that the items bring back. Even if your father will not get the pleasure of looking at them again, he'd be happy for you to relive old times. Your emotions about the items give validation to your good family memories. Then, it's time to get rid of the things you've decided not to keep. Estate sale, auction, theater departments, charity, recycling - it all works.
3) Take pictures of everything - rooms, individual items, books, etc. I took pictures after the estate sale was set up, too. It still pains me to look at them, and I don't yet, but I like knowing I have the pictures.
4) Going through the 4 generations of things in Mom's house was truly the hardest thing I've ever done. I still think about the estate sale every day. But though it's sometimes mentally hard for me to move on (time DID help) I certainly moved on in my life. My time was not dominated by stringing the process along. In the end, it was good to get it done. Now I can concentrate on Mom instead of her things.

Good luck.

You may choose to feel guilty for the rest of your life, or you may choose to accept these actions as part of life, and one day someone will do the same with your belongings. He has dementia. Do you really think he knows everything he had in his house? You might keep a few items he can have in his room which he told you before meant something to him (i.e. a photo, a curio, any war mementos, medals (if he was in the service). You could also get counseling if you cannot get over the guilt. All of us caregivers have usually had to sell things that once belonged to our parent(s). Give yourself a hug for being there for him now. Stop worrying about material things!

Perhaps you can find through a church families who need furniture and household items. Maybe some of the clothing too. Maybe donating your father's items in this way will help. One person helping others get a leg up in life. A nice way to remember all the items being of help to others instead of just put to the curb or sold @ a garage sale.

Oops...I forgot to add ....mom and I did this w/ an old electronic organ mom had in her house just taking up space. We found a church whose choir was in need of a "new" organ for their practice sessions. They were delighted to get mom's donation and mom was happy that the organ was put to good use. Someone always needs whatever we have to give from our homes.

Why not move into his home with him? You can find people who have experience and won't cost a lot to take shifts being there with him when you are not.

My mom now lives with us, we tried to keep some of her things so that she would feel at home, there were generations of things that we had to get rid of, we sold them to help defray the cost of her care. I feel bad about it, but I only have so much room in my small house. We still have boxes to go through and some day I will. It was hard to let go of all the antiques in her home, but there comes a time when one has to let go. We donated,through things out and started to fix up the house knowing one day we will have to sell it, but until then we collect rent, we covers some expenses. Best of luck, get rid of the guilt, guilt is not a friendly thing.

I was also an only child and I can tell you that making the decision to sell my mom's home (which had even been my childhood home) and her stuff was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I grieved for my mom not being able to go home, for the home not being our home any more, and really still do. I would have actually kept a few more things than I did if I knew how little we would actually get from the estate sale - I thought it would finacne much more of her care than it did. As it was, I kept a few carloads of mainly sentimental "junk" but I'm glad I did at least that. I kept things my mom could use or would enjoy too, of course. My mom had actually started throwing some of my dad's stuff away and would not take him much of anything, but I grabbed some boxes and got books that he would read and mementoes of his working days and other comfort items for him too.

You are doing the right thing, the necessary thing, and you're doing it the right way. You can't help but have it make your heart ache to do it though. Once its done, I hope you have lots of time to enjoy with your Dad.

My other train of thought on this is that if it comes up, you don't have to remind him the house is not his any more, in fact taking some pictures of it to show him it is being taken care of could make him feel good too. I know that helped my mom a lot. It helped me a little to get to meet the couple who moved in and realize that they would make it come alive again in their own way, and I ended up telling my mom only that we found some people to come live in the house and pay the bills and take care of it, because she otherwise worried so much about it...she kept hoping she would be able to go home and live independently again (actually she had not even been all that independent in the last years there - a neighbor had been helping more than she let on) up until almost the last month or two of her life; even then, she still thought in terms of maybe being able to have her own apartment somewhere nearby where I could come help her, even if she could not manage a whole house. In reality, her heart was going bad fast and she could not even reposition herself in bed, but I think that hope meant a lot to her.

Keep all the good stuff and get rid of the crap... That's what I have to do in the next couple of months. Both my parents are now in a care facility. I got to me also. BUT.. Just keep everything worth keeping and get rid of the rest. I have 58 years of accumulation to sift through... I'm with ya....!!!
Hugs,
Anksana-Moon

It is a hard thing. Take your time. Go thru the house slowly, experience memories.
Maybe stay all night. If you are not in a rush then hang on to it for a while. When you are ready have someone else sell it . You take your favorite things. Any thing you are not sure about put them in a storage unit. Good luck.

It is a hard thing. Take your time. Go thru the house slowly, experience memories.
Maybe stay all night. If you are not in a rush then hang on to it for a while. When you are ready have someone else sell it . You take your favorite things. Any thing you are not sure about put them in a storage unit. Good luck.

I don't know how long Dad has been in a nursing home, but it might be helpful for you to hang onto the house for a while, wander through it, even stay overnight. Experience memories. When you are ready, collect your things that have fond memories. Then let someone else sell things.I know I couldn't be there when my mother's things were sold. Try not to stress too much. The things you can't decide on put them in a storage unit. Good luck.

Funny how they go to extremes with this issue. My Dad wants every little thing. FIL on the other hand, just walked away from his condo, taking nothing, left pictures, papers, grandmas spaghetti bowl from the old country EVERYTHING! When I boxed up the pics and papers and brought them to the house he shoved them under the bed and last week, sorted though a box and started throwing away pics of my other half as a child, which I thought were priceless. I had to scoop them up and ask to keep them. Sadly confused.

I can understand where you are coming from on this one. I think if your father had already passed you would not feel so strongly about getting rid of his belongings. At this time you are possibly feeling guilt because in a way you are telling your Dad his life is over and his belongings have no meaning or usefulness, you are in essence tossing out his life.

You need to realize that your Dad's life and the love he has for you is not tied up in those possessions. Try to dispose of that pain and guilt you are feeling. You are doing him a wonderful service by being his POA and taking care of all of his final wishes and the details to get him settled into his nursing home. You are actually giving him a very large GIFT by doing this for him.

I have no idea what the rules and regulations are within a nursing home but IF he is able to have any of his possessions in his room, that might prove to be somewhat comforting to him and to you. If pictures or anything else are allowed I would see if I could somewhat decorate his room so when he is awake he will still be able to see his things.

My second thought would be to put his belongings in storage and wait until he passes and then ask your siblings if any of them would care to go through his possessions with you and take something to remember him by. You may think that they don't want anything of his but you would be surprised....

In a persons Trust are papers that the Trust holder can fill out to give away particular items to specific individuals. I too am POA and I asked my siblings if they wanted anything specific to please give me a list so I could assist Mom with making out the forms and placing them in her Trust. No one did anything! My younger sister mentioned that her daughter wanted an old cookie tin that sits on top of Mom's refrigerator that she puts her cookies in. It is not beautiful or especially useful but my niece associates it with her grandparents and she wants it. My older sister, when she heard about it, became upset and stated, "There was going to be a fight over that tin!" That statement surprised me because I had no idea anyone else wanted it in the family.

Last week, my younger sister saw Mom putting her cookie tin away and she asked Mom to please make out one of these forms giving the cookie tin to her daughter and Mom agreed to it! I have not mentioned this to my older sister because honestly, I don't want the argument. Everyone had the opportunity to ask for it and only one person did, so who's fault is it? You just never know what may be in a household that means a lot to one person.

Your guilt is not a useful emotion to have holding you down at this moment. We can all say, "Oh don't feel guilty" but the truth is this is something you have to deal with and get past. You are trying to handle a lot of issues alone and I am sure you are stressed. Please give yourself a break and do try and put a spin on it, realizing that you are indeed giving your Dad a gift by being there for him and handling his affairs.

God Bless You All!